From Master to Mistress — princess to kitten, there’s no shortage of honorifics in our community. So how and what do you choose, and why does it even matter?

Before you go about the process of choosing honorifics, it’s best to know what they are and why they’re used in the kink community. According to Merriam-Webster — Honorific means “to convey honor” or “belonging to or constituting a class of grammatical forms used in speaking to or about a social superior”.

In short, they’re words used to show honor to someone who is superior to you. Historically speaking, honorifics have always been used in some way to signify social class. King, Queen, Your Majesty, and My Lord were all titles used to show someone’s subservience to a person in a position of power.

In modern day they can be as simple as putting Mr. or Mrs. in front of someone’s name. You can also find them deeply ingrained into the military hierarchy, with each rank receiving a certain amount of respect, power, and a title attached to it.

Similar to their everyday and historical use, in the BDSM community honorifics are used to highlight the separation of power between submissive types and their Dominant partner. In written form the difference is even further highlighted by the use of capitalization for the title of the Dominant partner, while the submissive title remains uncapitalized. These titles help to reinforce the dynamic and power exchanged between the two parties.

For many people this can help to separate the headspace of everyday life from their dynamic specific headspace or mark the beginning of a scene, while in other dynamics they may be titles that are consistently used throughout day to day life and be used in a similar fashion to a pet name. The meaning behind our honorifics and the way we go about choosing these titles that hold such a special place in our heart isn’t a one size fits all solution, so how exactly do you choose?

Near the beginning of each new dynamic there will be a time that you both will have to sit down and discuss your dynamic specific roles and boundaries, as well as possible honorifics. During these negotiations you’ll discuss not only what route you wish to choose when deciding your specific titles, but also when these new honorifics will be put to use. In some cases they will be decided upon and used immediately, while in other cases they may be something that each partner works towards and earns.

Bear in mind that at no point is an honorific a permanent name. It is something that can be lost should the partner not honor their side of the dynamic, as well as something that is changed as the dynamic moves forward so long as both parties agree to the changes. But how do we find those titles? One of the easiest methods would be: