Mastering the Master/slave Dynamic

A Beginners Guide to 24/7 TPE in the Master/slave Dynamic

First, let’s dispel some of the misconceptions around a Master/slave dynamic. It is not, as one might imagine, a dynamic that has one individual holding power over an unwilling individual (or individuals). In the context of kink and BDSM, a Master/slave dynamic is one in which an individual takes the role of the Dominant and the other individual (or individuals) take the role of submissive. While some may find it fun to play these sorts of games in the bedroom where one of them might tie the other up and have some rough sex.

The Master/slave dynamic takes the idea of Dominance and submission and moves it out of the bedroom and into all aspects of life. Regardless of the gender identity of the Dominant or submissive, one of them will be the one “In Control” and the other is the one “who obeys.” As I’m sure you can imagine, this sort of arrangement, when not properly understood, could draw the attention of unsavory people who want only to find a reason to abuse a partner or control a partner in whatever way they desire.

That is not the way a healthy Master/slave dynamic should be. You don’t go to a BDSM club, find a submissive, and decide that you suddenly own them. Trying this will very likely get you into a heap of trouble of various kinds. Those who choose to submit to a partner are not to be trifled with, for it takes great strength to let go and allow someone else to be in control.

What does it mean for the Dominant to be in control of the submissive in a 24/7 Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship like Master and slave? What level of control is given by the submissive to the Dominant?

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Negotiations and Consent

Any kinky encounter with another person (or persons) is going to begin with negotiations. This may not sound sexy, and often it can be very clinical, but it is necessary for everybody to feel comfortable and know what to expect and what they are consenting to. Essentially, negotiations are discussions about activities and whether everybody consents to those specific activities.

A Dominant and submissive may sit down with a checklist of various activities and talk over each one and mark it as either Consensual or as a limit. If it’s a limit, it cannot be renegotiated during the scene by either the Dominant or the submissive. This is to protect everybody in the scene since endorphins, sub-space, and Dom-space can make everybody feel as though they take or give more than they had initially agreed to, and this can later lead to bigger issues down the line.

For example, the submissive may be okay with spanking, but doesn’t want any bruising from them. Alternatively, the submissive could want to be with a can so hard their skin breaks open and they end up bleeding, but the Dominant isn’t comfortable with that level of punishment. Compromises will need to be made so that everybody is comfortable, especially in the beginning.

Now, such negotiations do not have to feel clinical. When my partner and I sat down to discuss and negotiate our Master/slave contract (we’ll get to that later), we went over every possible thing, even if we’d already talked about it or explored it with each other. Instead of sitting at the table with the contract in front of us, looking it over like a couple of lawyers, I had her kneel on the floor in front of me, and I walked around her, switching between reading out activities authoritatively and whispering into her ear questions about things I could do to her if she misbehaved.

It was fun, we made it through the contract without it feeling like a chore, and before we signed it, we waited until the following day, and both went over it one more time on our own and then signed it together when there was nothing more we needed to discuss.

You can look at that exchange as a blueprint for any kink dynamic, but especially Master/slave. It is a drum I will continue to beat whenever I’m trying to talk to folks about kink and kink etiquette: Communication.

Now, I’ve already explained that negotiations are kind of like pre-consent for activities that will occur during a scene, or agreements made for your dynamic. But it is vital to remember that consent may be withdrawn at any time. If you’re about to orgasm and they withdraw consent, you stop immediately, ruined orgasm or not.

How will you know if consent has been withdrawn? A safe word. If you’ve been involved in kink at any point, you are fully aware of what a safe word is and how it’s used. If you are unsure what a safe word is, a quick explanation is that it is a word or phrase that anyone can say during the scene to withdraw their consent and end the scene. There are several different methods for safe word use ranging from a picked word between the participants to the traffic light method (Green – keep going, Yellow – slow down, Red – full stop).

If your submissive is bound and gagged, having a hand signal or humming a particular song could work in those scenarios to indicate a withdrawal of consent and the need to stop the scene.

Finding the Master/slave Dynamic

Maybe when you got together with your partner and started discussing kink, the idea of moving toward a Master/slave dynamic was forefront in your minds. Maybe you’ve been involved in some sort of kink for years and want to take it up a notch.

The first thing you do is communicate your desires with each other. What do you want this dynamic to look like? What I call my Master/slave dynamic may not be what you want for your Master/slave dynamic and that’s fine. It is all very personal. Have a conversation about what you want out of that level of control and submission.

Going into a dynamic without a clear picture of what you and what you want to accomplish will only lead a failed attempt, so going into it with as much purpose as you can find is important. Remember, this is not just about sex and sexuality when you reach this deep into the world of kink. It’s also not about control for the sake of control or submission for the sake of submission.

A “Dominant” who only wants to control for no reason other than the feeling of dominance will fail as one, just as a “submissive” who sees submission as a way to not worry about anything or make decisions ever again will also fail. When you’re truly in a dynamic like this, it’s work – just like any relationship.

My partner and I spent a good deal of time talking about what sort of dynamic we wanted while also discussing various parts of our lives we wanted to try and improve. For my slave, she wanted to have more self-confidence, find ways to be more outspoken, and be better organized over all. She also wanted to find time for herself and creative outlets and stop focusing on being a people for everybody in her life. For me, I wanted to find ways I could encourage myself to be better at planning, budgeting, and face to face communication. I was also very interested in finding ways to be better organized.

In the bedroom, we were already incredibly kinky and enjoyed a variety of play with my partner being submissive and myself being dominant. We’d explored any number of BDSM together (we had both come from a BDSM background and knew what we liked and experimented with it) and between our love of the dynamic in the bedroom and our desires to better ourselves in certain areas, we turned our entire relationship into the Master/slave dynamic and haven’t looked back.

The first thing we wanted to do was create tasks that would fit into our lives. Both of us work (already a major difference between the 1950s household and our dynamic), there are kids here half the time, and we both have to fight the urge to just sit and do nothing at the end of the day.

In our case, I became the planner and budgeter. I setup the chores around the house and what needed to be done when and by whom. I budgeted our income so we would stop overspending every month and actually be able to put some money into savings. We work together to make meal plans and even make dinner together when we can.

“But what’s the difference between that and just a normal relationship?” The answer to that is structure. I provide her with a structure to work on the chores and I provide myself with the structure to complete my chores and make certain she’s keeping on top of her other tasks, because not everything is housework!

To help her build her confidence, I created a rule where she must get approval for her lingerie choices every day, and she must get approval for her daily outfits. My desire was not to change who she was or even change her style from the goth-punk queen she is, but to do more with clothing items that showed off her figure and made her appear badass instead of buried in oversized clothes that hid everything about her.

At work she is now far more likely to speak her mind about something she disagrees with. All 5’1” of her is ready to throw down over the things she believes in, and she will not back down in the face of adversity. Beyond her clothing choices, I also have her write a journal entry every day to reflect on her place as a slave as well as spend some introspection on how much she’s improved and what other aspects of her life she may want to improve.

As my slave, when she does become derogatory toward herself, she is assigned lines as form of punishment. Think Bart Simpson at the beginning of The Simpsons writing on that chalkboard. In this case, she is instructed to write lines like: “I don’t have to apologize for having feelings. My emotions are valid” and “I am beautiful and I am loved.”

Yes, we are in a kinky relationship so beyond writing lines, there are other punishments as well that range from spankings to forced orgasms (there comes a point where cumming too many times becomes painful), to kneeling on rice, to being flogged.

Each punishment we have is something that we discussed and agreed upon. If a punishment doesn’t appear to be working, we’ll sit and talk about it and see if we can come up with something that will work to help her stay on track. In one instance, a spanking wasn’t getting the job done, so now if that task isn’t completed appropriately she has to sleep on the bare mattress with no bottom sheet and no top sheet and for her, that’s worse than a spanking (she does get blankets – as many as she needs to be warm even if she is uncomfortable sleeping on the bare mattress).

Speaking of punishments and rewards, that’s something that you will need to work on with each other since it is a very personal experience (as is the dynamic as a whole). My slave is a masochist and very much enjoys pain, so finding punishments that can both play off her enjoyment of pain, while also subverting it presents unique challenges.

The spankings I noted above having to become sleeping on a bare mattress, for example. Kneeling on rice is a great way to make even a masochist squirm. It’s not the same type of pain they derive pleasure from, but because their pain tolerance is so high, they tend to be able to withstand it for fairly long periods of time (no more than 20 minutes). This is a great punishment that doesn’t provide the pain they enjoy but does provide a modicum of pain that is uncomfortable and that they can withstand.

There are any number of possible punishments you can use, and it is quite likely that you will come up with some of your own as you journey through this. Just remember that punishments are a negotiation like any other kink activity and that the consent you are given during negotiations can be withdrawn at any point for any reason.

Once you have gone through all of these things and determine the type of dynamic you wish to have, you may want to look at putting together a contract.

The Contract

There are spaces online to buy a contract template, or you can create your own. We purchased one on Etsy (search: BDSM Contract) that was just what we were looking for and allowed us to edit the document to fit exactly what we needed. We personally found it was easier to buy it and edit than to try and come up with the whole thing on our own – also, it’s very pretty and nicely formatted.

You can put into the contract whatever you want to put into it. In our case, we talked about punishments, expectations, rules, and activities. For us, we had certain activities that were initially listed as a “NO” but there was a caveat that we wanted to revisit those later – which we did. In one case, it has remained a firm “NO” and in another case it’s become a yes.

Of note, it’s important to remember that the contract can and should be a living document. Once you sign it, don’t just file it away and think that’s the end of it. Take it out every six months to renegotiate parts or just to go over what’s there and make certain everything still works the way you want. Life changes and that means the contract may also have to change. What happens if you have children? How do you raise children and keep your dynamic? (This could easily be an entire article in itself). What if you move into an apartment with thin walls? What if you suddenly end up with unexpected roommates? The best way to deal with all of those “what if” questions is to know that you can open the contract back up at any time and work through it to find a solution.

The other category you may want to include in your contract is “Rules.” What rules will the Dominant have for their submissive? What are their expectations? It can’t just be their tasks as those have their own part in the dynamic. Here are some of the rules we have so you have an idea:

We have more rules than this, but this gives a good overview. You could have rules around personal hygiene if your submissive struggles to shower (I’m terrible at remembering to shower, so one of her rules is to remind me by asking me to join her in the shower – she usually ends up washing me, which is very sweet and intimate).

Conclusion

Your Master/slave dynamic is going to be very personal to you and your partner (or partners). Finding your way through it is also going to be a personal experience for those involved in the dynamic. As a brief overview of what we talked about to get you started down the path to your own 24/7 TPE Master/slave dynamic, just remember these points:

Remember that choosing this dynamic isn’t going to make your life easier. It’s not a magic wand to wave at a relationship and get exactly what you want. Being open and talking is going to be the best way to keep your dynamic, and really any type of relationship, alive and thriving.

If you have questions, we are here at BDSM Training Academy to help. Just leave a comment below or send us an email.