I feel like the least-likely guy on the Earth to write an article on BDSM protocols. It’s a subject that has fascinated me since I first discovered how kinky I was, and something I’ve studied since the 90s. But, it’s also been a subject that I always figured was too large and too complex, or just something that I didn’t have enough experience to write about.
Much less… write a series of articles about. Yikes!
However, I started looking back at my foundational experiences, both as a dominant and as a submissive. And I began to recount how I set up protocols, or how others set up protocols for me. I remembered my first flailing attempts at running the show, and how I improved over time, and how important protocols have always been to my growth, and to the growth of those I played with.
And suddenly, I realized that maybe I was both experienced enough and had a more unique take on the topic than I thought. If I charted a graph based on my personal assessment of how successful my BDSM relationships were, and my use of protocols, you’d see how inexorably tied together those two things were.
I still don’t think I’m an expert on the topic of BDSM protocols, but I do have a lot of time under my belt using protocols, and I have my own unique ideas about them. Most importantly, I also know that too many protocols, or the wrong protocols, or not monitoring them properly, can wreck an otherwise great relationship.
I’m not a protocol idealogue. I think they have their place in a BDSM relationship, but I also believe they can do more harm than good in the wrong hands.
Maybe that makes me the right person to talk about this. I’ll let you decide.
This is the part of my article where I warn you that what I tell you below might not be right for you, and to take what fits, and leave the rest. That goes double, maybe triple for protocols! Protocols are not for everyone.
You do not have to engage in a bunch of protocols to have a legitimate kinky relationship. But if protocols intrigue you, read on.
Sharing Is Caring
What are Protocols?
The term “protocol” goes back to the 16th century from the French word “protocole” about the diplomatic rules of conduct. The nascent use of “protocols” in BDSM comes from soldiers who returned from World War II and created the Old Guard leather groups. Some of the military conventions they experienced (and their leather bomber jackets) survived and were incorporated into many of the BDSM practices that we do today.
You might be thinking that you’re not into protocols, but here are a few things that are protocols:
- Honorifics (Sir, Master, Mistress, Goddess, etc.)
- Eye contact restrictions
- Slave positions
- When & how to wear a collar
- Restrictions on where a submissive sits
- When & how a submissive can speak
- What a submissive wears
- etc...
Most casual players use some of this, even if it’s just while they are in a scene together. And the list is far more extensive than that. I’ll go into a much more expansive list later.
When I looked back at my own experiences, I realized that protocols have been a major part of my journey. And in some cases, were my favorite parts.
Protocols are just a set of enforced rules that govern the behavior of a submissive.
I’m going to roll other things into this discussion and will use rules and protocols interchangeably. I’ll also talk about rituals and etiquette, and while those are tangential, they are not exactly the same, and I may get them all mixed up from time to time, so I hope you excuse me.
I’ve heard rituals described as the series of actions that protocols dictate. I’ve also heard rituals defined as a ceremony that is triggered under specific circumstances. One of my favorite rituals is to have a submissive kneel and kiss each of my feet once, when I begin a scene. It’s such a simple ritual, but it begins to get us both in our proper headspace quickly.
BDSM etiquette is more like things that the community agrees are guidelines to show respect to each other in group settings, or when interacting with each other. A good example of etiquette, and one I mention often, is don’t bother people while they are in a scene.
You can unquestionably get lost in the weeds trying to define the difference between protocols, rules, rituals, etiquette, and more. I think you can see the similarities here, and, unless you get off on studying BDSM lexicon, I don’t think policing the differences are of much interest to most players. Which is why I’m not going to make a big deal about it.
I think it’s a lot more useful to have some practical advice on this stuff and let you figure out how to incorporate what you want into your scenes and relationships.
Why do you use protocols in BDSM?
One of the things that sticks out most to me is how important protocols have been to solidify the connection with my partner (both as a dominant and as a submissive). It’s also incredibly helpful to get both in the right headspace. Additionally, protocols are a way to gauge how serious both players are.
BDSM relationships are fundamentally different from vanilla relationships. Power exchange requires one person to be in charge, and one person (or more) to submit. Protocols are one way to define and test that dynamic.
Protocols are the magical sauce that signals your relationship is different from what everyone else is doing. You have rules that both parties have agreed to, and those rules affect the way you interact with each other. What’s great about protocols, for me, is that once you’ve set them up, they become something you and your partner share exclusively. Like The Force, it surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the two of us together.
The best protocols bring you closer to each other and highlight your special relationship.
As a submissive, I crave protocols. I want those little rules and regulations that we put together to govern my behavior. When I’m not allowed to look a Domme in the eyes it just charges me up and reminds me of our roles. Every time those protocols are in place it makes me feel closer to the Domme and allows me to demonstrate my devotion. More than any other aspect of BDSM, protocols have made me feel more submissive and more in the correct headspace than anything else.
I can’t endorse protocols any higher than that.
As a dominant, there is nothing quite like the feeling of a submissive following protocols that I’ve set up. Multiple protocols, followed, day in and day out, demonstrates respect for me, and makes sure that both of us are getting things that are important to us. Over time, and with the right person, it can make me feel very intimate with them.
I set up protocols that enforce the things that mean the most to me in a BDSM relationship and support our connection.
Looking back, I can trace my inexperience with protocols at the beginning, for many of the problems I had at that time. And over the years, my greater experience with creating and implementing protocols have led to increased success in BDSM relationships.
Furthermore, when a submissive starts wanting to break from long-established and reasonable protocols, it’s usually a canary in the coal mine, signaling that something else is going on, and should be addressed.
Again, you don’t have to use protocols, or even define it as such, to practice kink. But if you want a deeper connection, you want both players to dive into the correct headspace, and you want tangible ways to demonstrate your power dynamic, protocols are the best way I’ve found.
Protocol levels
This is another case where I thought I didn’t know or care about an aspect of protocols, but it turns out that I’ve been using these levels frequently over the years.
I think that the most helpful part of knowing these levels, is just simply realizing that protocols are best when they are flexible and grounded in reality.
Yes, you could always have a relationship with high protocols, but who really lives that way? Unless you’re independently wealthy, or actual royalty, or retired, very few couples have the sort of lives where heavy protocols are always practical.
Most people have jobs, or school, or kids, or friends, or family, or other obligations, and showing up for these life events completely naked, except for a collar, is obviously ridiculous. There are brief moments, events, or sometimes long weekends, where you can live in high protocol situations, but it’s mostly going to be rare, and that rarity makes those moments stand out.
What follows is a simple breakdown of the different protocol levels, so if you ever get in a situation where it’s mentioned, or you want to know more it will give you an idea of what they are talking about. Most of the time these sorts of things are mentioned in the community in relation to group meetings, parties, or events, and they are usually accompanied by additional information defining exactly what they mean in that case.
These are just general guidelines, not rules. Everyone gets to establish their own take on this as well.
Low Protocol
This is the sort of protocol that happens in vanilla situations, in casual BDSM events, and professional settings. Since this is the lowest level, it also may be totally indistinguishable from what it would look like if you were friends, or a vanilla couple. There may be things going on beneath the surface that people outside of the scene would never notice. Maybe your submissive always goes to the kitchen to refresh your drink, or calls you a special name, or takes care of your coat without being asked. Most people watching this would just assume that you’re looking out for your partner.
Medium Protocol
In most BDSM environments and during play scenes people will be in medium protocol. Submissives will likely be using honorifics (like Master or Mistress), they might be in a collar and cuffs, there will be specific rules that have been established between most couples, and other rules that the setting requires. Medium protocol is still fairly casual, but it’s probably obvious to everyone that you’re in a BDSM dynamic, and your roles will be more apparent. There’s a wide range of what people would consider medium protocol, and it’s usually left up to individuals to decide what it means to them.High Protocol
Every time I’ve seen high protocol mentioned has been for a special evening, or event, in BDSM groups. For example, high protocol dinners (which, unfortunately, I’ve never had the opportunity to participate in) are the type of events where all the rules for the actions of dominants and submissives are spelled out in exacting detail. Many high protocol dinners focus on either Male Doms with submissives, or Female Doms with submissives, with strict protocols about what both submissives and dominants will wear (or not wear), who you can talk to, where submissives are supposed to sit (maybe on the floor, or maybe stand behind the dominant), and other things. High protocol dinners typically have many courses, and the dominants get served like kings and queens, and the submissives get to experience servitude in a wild fantasy atmosphere.
When I’m alone with my submissive I often have her under high protocol, but I don’t call it that. I almost never have enough time with my submissive in that mode, because life gets in the way. But when we have those moments, they are wonderful.
Invisible Protocol
There’s one more level of protocols, and it’s very similar to low protocol, but I have a specific scene I did where I used invisible protocol, and I think it’s different enough to warrant mentioning.
Many years ago, I had a beautiful submissive who was completely new to the scene. I wanted to take her out to eat, but I also wanted to play with her. She was exceedingly shy, and I wanted to create a scene that would be just for the two of us, but only we would know what was going on. I knew it would make her feel humiliated and controlled, but in a way that was sufficiently below radar.
I picked out what she would wear and had her get dressed in front of me, then we went to the restaurant. She was wearing a small simple black dress, but I had her wear a leather collar too. The thing about leather collars is that they are a fashion statement now. No one would know if we were playing, or if she was just a goth girl (she was that too, so this fit perfectly). Before we went in, I gave her a series of instructions (protocols) that she was to follow.
I wanted her to only speak to me and call me “Sir.” I would order for her and everything. She was not to look me in the eyes. When we were walking in, she was supposed to walk two paces behind me and to my right. When we sat down, I sat right next to her in the booth, and very close. I always touched her (my property), but not in any way that was lascivious. I just wanted her to always feel how close I was throughout the meal.
The thing about all of this is that even if people suspect something is going on, they have no idea what it is. Even the waiter would just think I was the type of guy who ordered for his date. Also, even if there were kids around us (there weren’t) nothing we were doing was out of place in polite society.
However, in the mind of my submissive, it was a heavily charged scene. She was lost in all the protocols I placed on her. Worrying about not looking me in the eyes. Worrying about other people figuring out our dynamic. Worrying about wearing a perfectly normal fashion accessory. Worrying about not talking to anyone else. She was captivated in the scene. I know that because she told me so afterward.
The funny thing about this scene was that, while we were certainly under the radar, other couples in the restaurant were watching us intently. My submissive was gorgeous and dressed up, I’m sure that attracted some attention. I was quite older than she was, and that was probably part of the attention too.
One guy got up and sat next to his date like I had (I figured he wanted to see what was going on, maybe he also thought it would be fun to be closer to his date). Others were trying not to look at us but were failing. Smiles were all around us. It was fun. We were the talk of our section. My shy submissive got much more attention than she wanted, and it worked better than I could have ever imagined. It was the perfect mind game, aimed directly at her shyness. It was one of my all-time favorite scenes and created entirely through protocols.
I’ve always been reluctant to do stuff that was more overt in public. Like I didn’t have her on a leash, or have her kneel next to the table, or spank her. I take that back, I did spank her when we left the restaurant, but I did it around the side of the building when no one was around.
My thoughts on public play, which can be a lot of fun, are to do it as surreptitiously as possible, because other people did not consent to be in your scene. Still, there are plenty of ways to do scenes in public, without directly involving others. I know some people believe that doing more overt stuff is fine, I’m just giving you my take on it.
Protocol levels
I hope by now you will see how protocols can be used to create a scene, how important protocols can be to helping you get into your roles, how they can make your connection better, and bring more intimacy into your BDSM relationship.
If you’re fired up and ready to start creating some new protocols then I’ll be giving you some advice for crafting your own protocols in the next article, and I’ll be giving you a bunch of examples and suggestions in the third article, so keep your eye on this column.
By Dirk Hooper
Dirk Hooper is a professional writer who has done work for many high-profile online magazines, has won the Top Writer Award at Quora for three years, and a Moore Award for copywriting in 2017. He published his first erotic BDSM book under a pen name in 2018. Hooper’s articles have been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently writing an erotic novel, a kinky comic book project, and a non-fiction book about social networking. Dirk Hooper has been a proud member of the BDSM community for over two decades and has been a BDSM mentor for over ten years.
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Sub Question: How To Get Into A Submissive Headspace
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