Submissive Question
i have finally figured out that i am far more submissive then i
ever thought possible. That is all thanks to you and all the
information you have given me. i don’t know where i would be
without your guidance.
While i know i want to be more submissive to my mistress, i find
there are times when i’m just not in the mood or i can’t get into a submissive headspace.
How can i get myself in the mood when i’m not or get into a submissive headspace, especially when my Mistress wants me to serve her?
Sincerely,
DK, New York
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Master Bishop's Opinion
Even though you might have the best intentions of serving your Master or Mistress, chances are good that you’re human too.
We all have ‘off’ days. (both Dominant and submissive) and days when we just don’t think we can focus as well as we probably should. But when you’re in a BDSM relationship, chances are also good that you will want to get into the submissive headspace, even when you don’t feel like it.
Of course you want to serve your Dominant to the best of your ability, and impress the socks off them, as well as a few other things. But when you are not in the mood, it’s hard to get into the right submissive headspace to be able to serve.
What Is A Submissive Headspace
The submissive headspace is so much more than just being turned on or really, really horny.
Its that beautiful space in the mind where the submissive can go to be free. It the area of the mind where the submissive desires are strongest, the cravings to serve inescapable and the urge to please burns brightest.
Once a submissive finds themselves within this natural state of being their mind no longer resists, but instead embraces and accepts all.
But in order for a submissive to reach this euphoric state of higher submissive consciousness there are a few crucial factors that first must be in place.
1) Trust – An strong belief in their partner’s reliability
2) Safety – an unwavering knowledge that they are completely safe and protected from all manner of harm.
3) Connection – A deep strong bond that is built between two people via intimacy, communication, safety and trust.
Without these three parts of a D/s relationship, no submissive can feel secure enough to let their mind slip into the deeper mental glow that is submissive headspace.That pure connected focus with their Dominant where their submission is at most its most powerful and intense. An intoxicating state of service and submission.
Assuming you have developed the profoundly deep connection that is required to ignite the submissive headspace, we also have life and its many wonderful interrupts and overwhelming dilemmas. Any number of which can pull a submissive out of their blissful state into a whirlwind of frustration in any given second.
Constantly bombarded by life’s overwhelming issues and the need to switch back and forth can create an environment where it can be hard to get back to the submissive headspace. As with most things in life the more we force a situation the harder it can be to reach it.
A submissive headspace is no different, it is not a mental state that can be forced. Before you give up hope there are a few things you can do to help your mind escape back into submissive headspace once again.
How To Reawaken Your Submissive Headspace
Look Back At Your Submissive Life
Sometimes the best way to move ahead in life is to look backwards. So take some time and try to visualize moments in your life when you felt your submissive headspace was at its most vibrant.
Its always a good idea to keep a submissive journal, to keep track of your thoughts, feels and see how you are progressing in your training. Here is a perfect opportunity to look at back your journal and see when you felt moments of complete bliss from your headspace and what might have lead up to those moments.
Was there something specific you did that caused you to feel it so intensely? Was there something your Dominant did?
When you can figure out what might be the factors that help to push your mind into that instantaneous headspace you will be better equipped to figure out how to get there in the future. Know thyself and a whole new world will open up to you.
Worst case you can try to recreate past experiences that have previously forced your mind into that wonderful headspace. Which in the grade scheme of things wouldn't be the worst, you can still have lots of fun in the dungeon.
Submissive Tip:
The more detail you add to your submissive journal the more illuminating it will be when you reflect back upon it.
Try To Leave Everything At The Door
While I know its hard, many people find it is therapeutic to leave all of their problems at the door the moment they come home. While that is much easier to say than do there are a few things that can do to help you to close the chaotic door behind you and open a new submissive life before you.
- Put on your submissive jewelry or collar and adornments (cuffs)
- Dress to express with your most submissive attire
- Take some time to yourself. Come to your knees and take a moment to meditate on your submissive desires
- Reflect on why you have chosen to serve your Dominant and what it means to you to be submissive to your Dominant
- Trying edging yourself as you reflect on why you have chosen to serve your Dominant.
Manage Your Stress
Nobody's life is easy and there will always be some kind of stress in your life. What is important is finding healthy ways to better handle the stressors that may be hurting you. Instead of bottling up your emotions until things become overwhelming, here are a few things you can do to easy your stress so your mind can get back to its submissive headspace:
- Exercise can be an amazing stress reliever. Adding an exercise routine to your life can help burn off excess stress and help calm your mind.
- Make time for hobbies.
- Take some time for you. Run a hot bath, get out your favorite book, light some candles and relax.
- Enjoy a special night doing something you true enjoy. A dinner out, a movie night, dancing or whatever you like.
- Meditate
- Spoil yourself with a spa day, manicure, pedicure, massage
- Don't be afraid to ask your Dominant for help. They are there to support you and take care of you. It is better to relie on them sooner rather than later.
Support Your Health
When life is chaotic, and stressful this can have a big impact on O/our health. As O/our health deteriorates so does O/our ability to cope with life. It is a viscous cycle until eventually W/we are left overwhelmed, with a complete lack of desire for submission or anything that W/we enjoy.
The first thing W/we need to do is focus on supporting your body, so we can relieve your mind of one major stress and provide the environment it needs to finally be able to relax. Here are a few things you do to support your body's health and well-being, so it becomes more energized for your submissive desires:
- You body needs water, make sure you drink lots throughout the day. In fact most headaches come from dehydration. If you are feeling off get some water into your body.
- Focus on eating healthy meals regularly. Avoiding meals and eating low nutrient foods can weaken your body and mind making it more vulnerable to the stressors in life.
- As stated before exercise does a body good. Not to mention, it also helps your mind and body prepare for those longer more intense BDSM scenes.
- Go to bed early and get at least 8 hours of sleep a night. You mind and body don't run well on a lack of sleep.
- Research has shown anxiety comes from a deficiency of both iron and B6 in the body. Taking a B6 supplement can help to reduce anxiety from stress. Taken before bed can also help induce a deeper sleep.
- Magnesium deficiency is also associated with anxiety and depression. Taken before bed magnesium will help to stimulate the production of GABA which is a neurotransmitter for promoting sleep.
- Watch a funny video before going to bed. Just 10 minutes of solid laughter can help to increase deep REM sleep.
- Trying edging yourself as you reflect on why you have chosen to serve your Dominant.
Ask Your Dominant For Help
You should never feel afraid to come to your Dominant when you are struggling. Your Dominant, the person in your life that wants to love, protect, support and care for you. Who not only wants that responsibility but thrives on it. Asking them for help when you need it most should be on the top of your list.
Letting your Dominant know that you are struggling to regain your submissive headspace and are suffering from a lack of desire to serve is what communication in a D/s relationship is all about. Now that you are both on the same page, you can work together to help you get back to where you want to be.
But first your Dominant needs to know what you are struggling with and how you need their help. While they may be Dominant they're not mind readers.
Submissive Tip:
Be wary of any Dominant that believes submissives are always wanting to serve and are constantly in a submissive headspace. If they can’t understand that a submissive can lose a desire to be submissive and serve you will not be able to get the support you need.
Plan Scenes With Your Dominant
While I know many submissives enjoy the element of surprise when it comes to a scene. Or just prefer the Dominant to make those decisions, sometimes a little teamwork and some dirty ideas can be enough to reignite that submissive headspace.
Whether you sit down and talk about what you would both enjoy, write it out together or you send messages back and forth throughout the day. Planning a scene together can get your mind racing and the anticipation can be even more intense.
Get Your Body In The Mood
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. That deep burning desire that warms your body and drives your imagination wild. A horny overheating body can quickly have the mind spinning into a strong submissive space.
Sadly life can easily kill any sexual drive we might have and thereby squash any chance of freeing the mind. While I am a huge proponent of mind over matter, sometimes you needto redirect your focus in order to achieve your goal. Instead of focusing solely on trying to get your head back into a certain mindset, turn your attention towards getting your body in a heightened state. Once your body is free, your mind will follow immediately behind.
So close your door and take some time away from all the noise and give yourself some time to get in the mood. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Text naughty thoughts with your partner
- Read an erotic BDSM novel
- Watch an inspiring BDSM porn scene
- Go out for a romantic dinner
- Indulge in some of your favorite foods
- Play with your favorite sex toy or BDSM gear
- Play with yourself
Perform Your Rituals
If you don't already have rituals that you complete everyday, then this might be the perfect time to start. Rituals are a series of actions or behaviors that are performed by a submissive.
One does not however just blindly assign rituals, a ritual must serve a purpose for both the Dominant and submissive. That way when a ritual is repeated over time, they become habit and truly support and nurture the D/s dynamic.
Each Dominant/submissive relationship will have different rituals, which rituals you choose to incorporate will have to be decided between you and your partner. Ones that I have found useful in centering the submissive's mind, supporting their desires and strengthening the D/s relationship:
- Submissive meditation ritual first thing in the morning and before bed. With the focus of the meditation on why the submissive wants to be submissive, why they have chosen to be submissive and why they want to be submissive to their Dominant. Sometimes W/we can forget why W/we have chosen the life W/we have. This is a perfect opportunity for the submissive to remind themselves.
- Repeating a submissive mantra throughout the day.
- A mantra can be repeated at certain times of the day, for example on the hour of every hour, no matter where the submissive is or what they are doing.
- A mantra can be repeated when certain thoughts go through the submissive's mind. For example, whenever a negative thought crosses the sub's mind, they can repeat their submissive mantra. Or whenever a sub feels a certain sensation flood, their body, a mantra can be repeated to enforce their feelings
- A mantra can be repeated when certain actions are performed. Walking through a door, waiting in line, when their phone rings, when they feel overwhelmed, etc, etc, etc.
- Preparing For The Day Rituals
- Bathing Rituals
- Getting Dressed Rituals
- Coming Home Ritual
- Greeting Ritual
- Starting A Scene/Collar Ritual
Follow Your Protocols
Are sets of rules that have been established for the Dominant/submissive relationship. The Dominant enforcing these rules can help a submissive to remember their place in the relationship and snap them back into a submissive headspace.
Again, just like rituals each Dominant/submissive relationship will have different protocols, which protocols you choose to incorporate will have to be decided between you
and your partner. Here are just a few of the many protocols that can help keep your mind in that beautiful submissive headspace:
- Speech protocol - rules that dictate a submissive's speech
- honorifics for their Dominant (Master, Sir, Goddess, etc)
- how the submissive refers to their self (instead of "I" or "me", "This slave" or "Your submissive")
- No swearing
- etc
- Position Protocols - How, where and when a submissive should be position in accordance to their Dominant. ) [ie. a sub should always stand and sit to the left of their Dominant]
- Appearance Protocol - Must receive permission from Dominant on grooming standards and appearance including, hair, makeup, clothing and undergarments.
- Body Protocols - This can include the rules no masturbation without permission and/or no orgasms without permission from the Dominant
- furniture protocols, bathroom protocols, etc, etc.
Focus On Completing Your Tasks/To Do List
For some submissives (the keyword being some) the act of completing a service they have been assigned by their Dominant can be a true euphoric experience. It also can provide them a sense of purpose when they feel out of sorts and an opportunity to please their Dominant. Knowing they are fulfilling their Dominant's wishes by performing the allocated duties can be enough to thrust them into a submissive headspace.
Without the daily tasks and to do lists, these submissive can end up feeling neglected, bored and aimless. Instead of trying to snap right back into a submissive headspace, take some baby steps in completely some small tasks in service to your Dominant first. Feeling the pride of completing the tasks laid before, and hearing how pleased your Dominant is with you can be a huge catalyst to reigniting that delicious headspace.
Again, what tasks are assigned depend on agreed upon conditions but also are extremely limited by the submissive's abilities, availability and desires.
It is also important that the Dominant only assign the tasks the submissive is capable of humanly handling and for submissive to be vocal about what you are capable of handling, especially during a phase when they are feeling disconnected. Setting a submissive up for failure with unrealistic expectations will not help the sub to regain their submissive mindset. And trying to take on more than you can handle can be just as detrimental. Lighter, easier tasks can go a long way to building back a submissive confidence and revive
Typical submissive tasks can include:
- Complete household chores; cooking, cleaning, washing, etc.
- Help with business administration/secretarial work
- Pick up; groceries, drycleaning, equipment, documents, etc.
- Complete manual labor; gardening, landscaping, mowing the lawn
Dominant Tip:
Don’t ignore their efforts
When a sub is struggling to feel a submissive desire but truly want to keep busy and still please you by completely tasks, don’t under value their sacrifice. Make sure you show your submissive the gratitude, and appreciation you have for all their hard work and effort.
And let them know how proud you are of them!
Realize You Are Still Human
Even though you're submissive and your Dominant expects much from you, you are still human.
You're not perfect and there will be days when you won't be in the mood to serve and no matter what just can't get in the mood - and that's okay.
It's okay to not always be 'on' and it's okay to have troubles focusing at times. There's nothing wrong with that and thinking there is something wrong can make you even more likely to lose focus and less likely to get into a submissive headspace.
However, never be afraid of communicating with your Dominant when you are not in the mood and despite all efforts are not able to get into the appropriate headspace to be able to adequately serve them.
A good Dominant will appreciate the honesty and will give the submissive the necessary support and comfort they need to refocus and come back stronger and more determined.
**Be more concerned about a Dominant that refuses to listen to you, then beat yourself up on days when life just happens.**
Take A Break
In a day and age when everything is so hectic and everybody is constantly plugged in, it doesn't take much to become overwhelmed. Once overwhelmed it can be difficult to stay focused and remain energetic. Sometimes you just need to stop everything, (yes including your submission) and take some much needed time to relax.
Allow your mind and body time to let go, rest and recover. You would be surprised how strong your desires to serve can be with just a little rest.
I know it can be hard to get back into a submissive headspace once you have slipped out but don’t give up hope to fast. You may find with a few changes you will be right back to begging to serve with an insatiable desire before you know it.
Do you find there are times when you fall out of a submissive headspace? What do you do that helps you to regain that beautiful headspace? Please feel free to share in the comment section below.
By Master Bishop
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 20 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 15 years.
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Wow. That’s exactly what we needed to hear. That’s exactly where I’ve been in my submission. Thank you.
I couldn’t figure out why I’ve been in such a funk. This makes sense. I can’t get into the submissive headspace. I feel like I just need a break from it all. This makes me feel better about myself .
I’ve been struggling a lot this year with not feeling submissive. This was the first page that came up when I searched “submissive headspace training” because I DO feel like a failure and I don’t want to lose my Master. Thank you so much.