How to Build a New BDSM Dynamic After Trauma
It’s an unfortunate fact in our lifestyle that many (if not most) Submissives will have at least one experience with a “Dom” that leaves a bad taste in their mouth. Fake Doms are a common threat lurking on the fringes of our community, and involvement with one can easily lead to a Submissive rethinking their role in kink spaces.
As a community, we talk about the warning signs that someone isn’t a true Dominant and what positive traits to look out for as you search for that special Dom that will take the power you give them and keep it safe. But what about when every sign points to yes, but your past trauma holds you back?
How do you move past your misgivings to build a new dynamic built on mutual respect and trust after a bad Dom?
If you care please share
Trust is a valuable thing. It’s intangible, yet subconsciously, it controls every decision we make. Would you eat food if it smelled off? Or get in a car that’s brakes only worked some of the time? Of course, you wouldn’t — or at least shouldn’t — because trust is important in making safe decisions for our physical and emotional health. It’s human nature to use that innate feeling of trust to filter out possible threats in our lives. Unfortunately, that filter isn’t foolproof, and no one lives their life wholly free of betrayal.
Maybe it’s a friend, maybe it’s family, or maybe it’s a significant other, but someday that inner guiding voice that says, “Yes, this one is safe” fails you. Someday someone we put our faith in breaks that trust, and for plenty of Subs that someone comes in the form of a “Dom”.
You hear the horror stories: fake Doms that demand unearned submission, those who believe that just because someone is Submissive, it means they are required to listen and submit to them. A typical fake Dom takes more than they give, crosses boundaries like it’s their job, and neglects the needs of their partner, making a Submissive doubt that inner voice that tells them when something is right or wrong, and in turn making it that much harder for a Sub to open up and fully submit when they find the right person.
That kind of toxic dynamic leaves its mark on you, but eventually life will regulate itself enough for you to evaluate where you stand with your relationship to BDSM. It takes time, and sometimes after reevaluating their situation Submissives leave the BDSM community entirely — or find themselves on the other end of the spectrum, called into a more Dominant role. But for those of us that don’t, and find that we’re in a place emotionally and mentally to start vetting a new Dominant, eventually we have to get back out there.
On the bright side — you can most likely spot most fake Doms from a mile away by this point, and when they message you or walk up to you and tell you to call them Master you roll your eyes and ignore them. Sometimes they’re a bit harder to spot. In some cases the redflags don’t pop up until a few weeks into talking, but when they do you shut it down because you know just how important it is that your Dominant is a safe person.
Then you meet someone. They’re kind, but firm. They respect your boundaries. They’re interested in hearing about your journey in the kink community, and they have a desire to know you on a deeper level than just kink. All of the arrows point to yes, the flags are green, and they seem just right. Weeks pass, maybe even months, and they prove themself to be a trustworthy Dominant.
So why is there that little voice in the back of your head telling you to keep your guard up? You WANT to submit. You want to let go and enjoy this power exchange with a Dominant that cherishes both you and your submission. What is it that’s holding you back, and how do you get it to stop?
Why is it so hard to trust again?
Why exactly IS it so hard to trust again after it’s been broken? Well, there’s actually a scientific explanation for that and it’s called betrayal trauma. It’s a term coined in 1991 by Dr. Jennifer Freyd (Reyes et al., 2008), that references the way someone’s brain is changed after experiencing betrayal from someone they were either physically, mentally, or emotionally dependent on. The portion of your brain that tells you whether or not something is safe enters a fight or flight state, essentially telling you that everything is potentially dangerous.
This change brings on a sense of hypervigilance, a state where you overthink and read into everything in an effort to maintain your own safety. And while this can be useful for spotting red flags, a large issue is that it doesn’t come with a handy on and off switch. Even in perfectly safe environments your mind is repeatedly scanning your surroundings, looking for danger around every corner, and in every person you consider safe. That struggle to trust your own safety can make any relationship difficult, but ESPECIALLY a healthy power exchange relationship.
Why is trust so important in BDSM?
Trust is the cornerstone of every healthy partnership. It’s not unique to the BDSM community, but it is the core of everything we do. Most BDSM dynamics come with some form of power exchange, and for that to happen the person giving up power has to be able to trust their partner with their physical and emotional wellbeing before, during, and after a scene.
And it’s not only a one way street! The person with the power needs to be able to trust that their partner will openly communicate if they are approaching or are at their limit.
Unlike vanilla relationships, when BDSM relationships lack trust and communication, scenes and dynamics can become legitimately dangerous. Kink allows us to explore desires that are considered taboo by so many people outside of our community. It lets us enjoy sensations and activities that can bring us to new heights when done right, but when they’re done wrong they can take a quick turn for the worst.
Take rope play for example. Something that can be an erotic and blissful experience can also leave lasting physical damage when done incorrectly. A bottom needs to be able to trust that their body is safe with their rigger. Likewise, the rigger needs to have enough trust in their bottom that during check-ins the bottom will communicate whether or not they are starting to get too dizzy, or if their hands are starting to tingle which can mean blood flow is being lost and the scene needs to be stopped immediately.
In both cases a lack of communication can lead to lasting physical and mental damage for either party. But how do you build that trust? Is it something that just appears? Does it just appear out of the blue after some magical amount of good deeds?
First things first…
1) Give yourself time
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is the ability to override your brain’s self preservation instincts. And that’s a good thing. When you’re lost in the excitement of a new dynamic, it can feel like the most important thing in the world to push past that discomfort and go all in.
But those initial feelings of apprehension are your body’s way of telling you that it’s not quite ready to submit. You’ll need to take time to learn the difference between your body’s need for safety vs. your brain overthinking a scenario for no reason.
You’ve been hurt before. And while it’s a frustrating process, you need to heal. Your brain is still struggling to recognize that it’s no longer in a dangerous situation, and that takes time. No one else expects you to heal from your trauma overnight, so give yourself that same grace.
2) Start where you are, not where you want to be
In other words? Start small. While you’re still building that solid foundation, it’s against everyone’s best interest to jump straight into hardcore scenes that require intense communication and understanding. It’s okay to take baby steps when it comes to making your way into a new power dynamic.
Starting with scenes that are well within your limits makes way for your Dominant to show you consistently that they will honor your boundaries — and take your desires into consideration before, during, and after a scene. It gives you both the chance to work on communication in a safe way, before pursuing activities that require a larger amount of submission and trust.
3) Try not to over-analyze
You do it, I do it, everyone does it sooner or later. We pick apart each conversation with a fine tooth comb, poking and prodding at it to see if some ulterior motive will jump out to scare us like ghosts of dynamics past. After the end of a toxic relationship, it’s easy to feel like the world is out to get you. Easy to lean into that habit of believing everything has an underlying meaning, or a red flag that you’re missing.
Hard as it may be, part of the process of building trust with a partner is trying to take them at their word. All the analyzing does is cause you anxiety and leave you with more questions than answers. It’s best to remind yourself that if your Dom wanted to tell you something, they would be open and clear about it, and if they don’t that is a fault on their end and not on yours.
So the next time you find yourself wondering “What if they’re losing interest…” because their text message was shorter than usual, take a breath, talk a walk, pick an activity to occupy your mind instead of hyperfocusing on what they could have meant. Because chances are, they already said it.
4) Be open about your fears and anxieties
It may seem obvious, but in a dynamic that requires communication? You actually have to communicate. Not only during contract negotiations, or simply restating your boundaries, but making time for real, raw communication about the fears you’re bringing with you into the relationship. As a Submissive it’s your responsibility to share those concerns with your Dominant.
There is nothing a Dom can do to ease your fears if you are not an active participant in conversations about why you’re struggling, or what holds you back. Hiding those negative feelings can even go a step further, and erode the hard earned trust that’s already been built on both sides. It’s easy to unintentionally worsen someone’s anxiety in a situation when you don’t know what’s causing the pain.
And in a dynamic that’s meant to be a safe space for testing limits and exploring desires — there’s no room for secrecy. Authentic conversations about your fear are an integral part of your Dominants ability to protect and guide you, in a way that helps to build trust between the both of you.
5) Keep learning together
BDSM isn’t a simple lifestyle. Each relationship — Each dynamic — Each role — They all come with their own intricate set of rules and expectations that are tailored not only to the couple, but also to the individuals themselves.
No two dynamics will ever look exactly alike because of the different boundaries, triggers, desires, and physical limitations of both parties. It’s one thing that makes the lifestyle so special to each couple, and sets up such a valuable opportunity to learn and grow within yourselves and your dynamic.
Attending workshops, reading books or articles, and spending time listening to podcasts together is a great way to deepen your understanding of why exactly the roles we play in this community are so special. It’s a way to delve deeper into your connection and to build trust by better understanding your partner and your roles within your dynamic.
6) Take the ups and downs one day at a time
As wonderful as it would be to wake up and know whether or not someone is truly trustworthy, trust won’t happen overnight. Your submission is something your Dominant earns from proving time and time again that they are worthy of it.
It may come slower than you’d like, and the path to full submission may not be linear. That all encompassing trust can come and go as boundaries are laid and pushed and remade to find what fits well for the both of you.
There will be days that you struggle to comfortably relinquish your control, through no fault of your Dominants or your own. Other days it will feel like second nature to hand the reins to your Dom, and fully step into your role as a Submissive.
It will be a road you have to navigate together one day at a time. One that you walk together because the rewards and fulfillment you find in submission outweigh the challenges of working through your trauma, not because it will be perfect every day.
7) Don’t compare your path to others
Your journey through healing and relearning to trust in your decisions and others won’t be identical to anyone else’s. It’s not an easy process to develop a dynamic that’s based on respect, affection, and trust, and it will look entirely unique to each couple.
You’ll come across others who seemingly live and breathe their submission with no restraint. You’ll also come across Submissives that are still living with their own wounds, trying to stitch them shut as they explore the community despite their fear.
At the end of the day there is no “one size fits all” solution to moving on after you’ve been hurt. It’s easy to compare and contrast pain, but spending your time staring at other people’s wounds won’t help to heal yours.
Reconnecting with your submission will come naturally — in its own time — regardless of whether or not your path is the same as someone else’s. Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to submit to a new Dominant is up to you. But if submission is something that calls to you, you’ll find your way back to it.
By Harley Hood
a freelance writer and designer, a part time aspiring author, and a full time submissive brat. She's spent over a decade ingrained in the BDSM community, deep diving into sexual and mental wellness and their connection to all things kink. When not writing she spends her time reading and generally being spoiled by her Master of ten years, and despite his claims swears she is *usually* a very good girl.
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References:
Reyes, G., Elhai, J. D., & Ford, J. D. (Eds.). (2008). The Encyclopedia of Psychological Trauma. https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/articles/freyd2008bt.pdf
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