I consider “aftercare” to be a ritual or activity that helps both parties reorient themselves to the real world after a scene. In my experience, it’s a brief activity that happens before the “goodbyes” or a transitional activity between other events.
In comparison, what I call “holistic aftercare” includes reorientation activities and rituals extending beyond the scene’s immediate end. It includes not only post-scene activities but also check-ins and analysis of headspaces that come up during play. After years of exploration, I understand now that how I operate and function outside of scenes has a direct effect on my headspace within the scene. As well, if something vulnerable or triggering comes up during a scene, it can sometimes negatively impact my vanilla life.
As such, a more comprehensive approach to aftercare is required to prevent sub-drop and ensure my kink journey is filled with positive experiences.
Sharing Is Caring
The Importance Of Aftercare
The Teacher/student dynamic I have with my Sensei doesn’t end when the scene does. He provides tutelage in many areas of my life and, as my Dominant, he provides structure and discipline when needed. I feel fortunate to have found a partner who is a force for good and who, despite all the power I have given him, has never taken advantage of it to do me harm.
Being in a 24/7 dynamic makes it even more crucial to have boundaries, communicate openly, and create sustainable aftercare techniques. Especially since outside of my kink fantasies, I also have other things that are important to me—hobbies, dreams, a career, etc.—that cannot fall to the wayside in the pursuit of such divine pleasure.
Where Vanilla Meets Kink
Because I struggle with codependent behaviors in my vanilla life, for example, a quality aftercare routine that takes that into account is essential. My little, pet, and slut headspaces are all intertwined with my codependent behaviors in one fun, eager, and perverted package.
It’s also the source of my extreme desire to be “a good girl” and do “good girl things.” While that can be fun, pleasurable, and sexy in a scene, this also means there’s a higher risk for me to become so attached to my Dominant, that my personal needs, wants, and desires fall by the wayside.
By knowing this about me, Sensei takes a more informed approach to the play we do and how he helps me reorient myself. He’ll base his approach on time, the context of the play, and any issues that may be weighing on me. He strives to leave me in a better state than he found me each time we play.
He also encourages open dialogue, creates a safe space to be honest, and rewards me for being transparent about difficult things. This ensures that we are both equally benefiting from the dynamic. These sorts of activities are part of the aftercare, not only to help ease me out of a scene and improve upon the next one but also to show me what a healthy, interdependent relationship feels like.
The safety of my dynamic serves as a place where I can let down my boundaries without harm coming to me. I can explore the fullest extent of my good girl headspace without fear and not only is it acceptable and encouraged but it is also rewarded in ways that benefit me.
Our holistic approach to aftercare is what transitions me from a highly volatile headspace where pleasure and release feel like oxygen to a more grounded place where I am back in command of my senses and am empowered to live my vanilla life.
Holistic Aftercare With Sensei
The aftercare from Sensei is usually centered on gently restoring my senses. While my own aftercare techniques are focused on self-love activities so that my partner doesn’t become my sole source of positive intimacy.
When I first met my Sensei, the sub drop would get so bad that sometimes it would initiate a mini depressive episode. Over the years we’ve not only created better aftercare practices for our scenes but also have worked to make my vanilla life much more pleasant and safe so that it’s no longer jarring to “come back to the real world”. Doing so has reduced my sub-drop immensely.
Bringing me down from the highs of pleasure is no small feat and he does so responsibly. Through trial and error, we discovered a few things that we can do together to help make the transition between “everything is awesome and my favorite person is here in front of me” to “oh, it’s just regular life now” much easier.
Post-Scene Back Rubs
It’s no secret between us that touch is one of my love languages. This year though, we accidently discovered that back rubs are incredibly soothing for me, so Sensei has been incorporating them at the beginning and end of our sessions. In the past, if I’m too riled up emotionally by the time he departs, it can make the drop a little more severe.
However, time may not always allow a full cuddle session. Holding me close and rubbing my back while telling me that things are okay or that I did a good job during the session fills me with instant calm and a sense of safety. It helps relax me and he will spend time making sure I am calm, soothed, and happy at the end of our sessions.
Bath Time
Debrief Sessions
In my vanilla life, I used to struggle with expressing my emotions. If something bothered me, I would keep it to myself in order to keep the peace. Knowing that, Sensei always encourages me to be open and honest with him and ensures I have a safe space to do so.
Following a scene, Sensei will call me for our “debriefing session”. He’ll ask me about how I’m feeling and we’ll discuss the positives and any negatives that came up during play. If I didn’t like something during the scene or something didn’t work for me but I was unable to bring it up during the play, this session serves as a place to express that.
If any triggers, past memories or hard to explain feelings come up, he’ll talk me through them by asking me additional questions or giving me space to articulate properly.
These sessions also give us space to decompress, analyze what was working well during a scene, validate each other, and see how our emotional spaces are doing. I enjoy impact, breath, and rope play and sometimes heavy emotions can intertwine themselves in the pleasure of the scene. So, the question “how is your heartspace?” is something we ask each other often—especially if sensitive things come up.
Video Games
Shared Meals
Cooking and tea service are sometimes incorporated into our scenes; however, sometimes we’ll go out to enjoy a platonic-style meal or snack after a scene. If the scene has been particularly heavy, Sensei will sometimes take me to get ice cream or boba tea, which is very much appreciated by my little self.
Eating together gives us time to cool down and enjoy each other’s company outside of the direct power exchange. We chat about life things and creative pursuits, as well as fantasies, which adds richness to the dynamic as a whole and provides a smoother transition than just parting ways post-scene.
Balance and Harmony
By Scarlette Hemsworth
Scarlette is a polyamorous kinkster, freelance writer, sex worker, and indie author based out of California. She was introduced to the kink world in 2018 and identifies as a 24/7 little, sub, and ABDL. Scarlette enjoys watching anime, playing video games, and building terrariums in her spare time.
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