Ask any veteran submissive tips on how to get started and you will hear three common themes: avoid submitting too soon, have limits, and don’t confine yourself to a label. Yet, veterans and newbies alike seem to take the do-not-do list and turn it into our things to-do list.
In the heat and sexiness of scening, we end up on our knees handing our submission over to the hottie from the munch before we ever get to know him. And he, after scening with our sexiness, takes hold of the collar he has placed around our neck without getting to know the girl whose neck it’s on.
There are no ill intentions in either action, but the consequences of letting the heat of a new relationship carry you away to full submission are real. Add to this, the danger of answering the question about our limits (if the partner even asks) that they are just the basic ones because we haven’t had time to sit down, get to know each other, and discuss limits that come up in conversation, but slip our mind in the heat of the moment. Now, we have set ourselves up for heartbreak if our partner oversteps our boundaries, not meaning to, or if we get to know them and realize they aren’t someone we want to be with, just someone we like scening with.
And then on the other end of the new relationship spectrum, there is the mistake of sticking to one label like little, pet, slave, submissive, etcetera, and trying to fit some mold of what that label means. We end up unhappy in any relationship because we are fitting ourselves into the mold of a label, instead of grabbing hold of multiple labels that altogether describe us.
We are each unique, beautiful lights in this erotic BDSM world, and the BDSM community loses out on your unique light when you try to be some ideal you saw in a porno. Give yourself a chance to find someone who compliments all of you, and then you will find the one whose feet are deserving of you kneeling at them.
Show you care by sharing with those you care about
#1: Submitting Too Soon
I hear so many BDSM long-timers telling newbies: just make sure you don’t give your submission away too soon. Or even telling Doms, “Don’t feel the need to collar someone right away.” And, without fail, at the munch the next month someone has been collared to four different Doms and is feeling unwanted, or the Dom has collared four new submissives, and has a fifth coming.
And while we chuckle about it now, we remember the pain in those moments too. So first off, trust me, we have all been there. It’s normal have your heart pitter pattering when you first kneel before the feet of a dominant or first feel the sting of a whip on your back. And it’s also normal to confuse those feelings, with intimacy and connection, when they are simply sexual tension and release.
In our vanilla lives, we are told if you like someone, you have to rush to be in a relationship with them so nobody else takes them. We are told we can be with only one person, and can only date one person at a time, so, of course, in a sexually charged community full of amazing, sexy people, we want to submit to the first one to woo us, so we don’t lose out.
But, in this amazing community, there are so many different relationships you can have: play partners, mentors, potential dominants, and a dominant. You don’t have to feel the need to rush into the first collar offered to you, and to kneel before someone in a scene, doesn’t mean you have to give your submission away to them.
Let me repeat that one more time so it can sink in: just because you are on your knees, does not mean they have your submission (or deserve it). Your submission is a gift. Handing over your heart, your love, control of your life to another person, should be something they have to earn. Not something a few hot nights, or a few hot moments, in a dungeon leads to.
Remember: you are a valuable, cherished gift, and a beautiful human who has been through so many ups and downs to make you into the incredible person you are; don’t let just anyone call you theirs. Make them prove they know how to care for you, let them get to know you (all of you, not just your kinks), and make sure they want you. All of you. Not just the kinkster with the sexy photos and similar interests. But also the vanilla person who experiences ups and downs of day-to-day life, the girl who might have insecurity issues in spite of the sexy photos she post, and the submissive who will sometimes need her Dom to be there for her, when she has nothing to give.
Date around, play around, get to know your kinky side and all the flavors of Dominants out there; and I promise you, once you do that, and the day comes when you kneel before your Dom and feel His collar lock around your neck, it will make the wait worth it, and will be a collar you never want to come off.
Digging your way out:
#2 Having No Limits (or just the “normal” ones)
Hard Limits: Things you will never do which would be your immediate reds. For example mine are no rape play due to past trauma; no scat play (playing with #2 messes); nothing involving children, animals, or illegal activities; and no permanent marks outside of branding or a tattoo; and no blood play. Think of these kinks as hard no’s you don’t even want to try.
Soft Limits: These are kinks you are willing to explore but are cautious about. For example, mine are water sports (I have done them but they aren’t my favorite), knife play (as I used to cut myself), and diaper play (something I am exploring with my current partner which may be off my soft limits list soon). These things might make you nervous, but you want to explore them further before deciding. Think of them as maybes.
When we abandon our limits, it does not open us up to new relationships, instead it opens us up to being revictimized, made uncomfortable, or entering into a dynamic that’s doomed to fail because a kink of our partners is a limit of ours. By sticking to your limits and taking the time to either write them out, you start off any new relationship with the potential for success, compatibility, and the guarantee of consent.
If you need help defining you limits, check out this BDSM/kink Limit List made for either dominant or submissive. If you already have a partner, its also a great tool to explore new kinks and define new limits.
Digging your way out:
The easiest way to climb out of this pitfall is simply to sit down with your partner and discuss your limits more thoroughly. You can use the inventory attached, or simply talk about things you two have been trying which you don’t feel comfortable doing anymore. This can be a hard thing to do, especially as a submissive, but take it from someone who has had these conversations even with my current partner; the benefits are amazing.
Neither person is to blame for forgetting to share a limit or not knowing something was going to be a limit, this lifestyle is all about exploring and sometimes you just don’t know if you are going to like, or completely hate something. So remember, you can forgive them for breaking your limit especially if they didn’t know, and forgive yourself for forgetting to tell them. There are a lot of kinks out there and its normal to forget a few. Writing them down can help you make sure you cover them all when you sit down and talk.
If there is something your partner is asking you to do that you are afraid of doing, don’t be afraid to say no. It is better to risk losing the relationship, than to risk losing your voice and your confidence in your ability to say no. You are the most important person in your life, because you are stuck with you forever. So protect yourself first, and a relationship second.
#3 Sticking Yourself in a Labeled Box
Little. Slave. Submissive. Bottom. Dominant. Domme. Top. Sadist. Masochist. Even in the world of BDSM there are so many labels we can put on ourselves to help the world know just who we are. But the dangers of these labels lie in our desire to fit ourselves completely into just one. Which, let me tell you, is impossible.
Take me for example. I am a little and domestic service slave, with sex slave tendencies. Which means, I am little 99% of the time, but also a domestic service slave 99% of the time. But there is the rare occasion, say, 20% of the time I want to be fully used sexually. Shared, fucked hard, sweat dripping down every inch of my body (by the way, today is one of those days). And then 1% of the time I am vanilla with no thought of BDSM on my mind.
Now, I know. You are thinking my little math doesn’t add up, but it doesn’t have to. It’s how much of me, in that space, embraces that space.
I am 99% a little, 99% a domestic slave, 20% a sexual slave (because I am usually too busy playing with stuffies or cleaning to fully embrace that space), and maybe 1% vanilla, with so many kinks and labels in between. And everyone is like that.
We all have different spaces and kinks we can flow into, and kinks that we should be into based on a title we claim, but that we may not enjoy. Sticking ourselves into say, a submissive or slave box, and trying to fit perfectly into some ideal submissive or slave stereotype we build, just leads us to disappoint ourselves.
For example, I love slave poses, being in full service mode, but I also love being a little. If I tried to choose between little, submissive, and slave I would be doing myself and my partners a disservice. They would miss out on the other parts of me, and I would be suppressing who I am.
Instead I live as all three, and have two amazing partners who help compliment my different sides. A Daddy Dom who is also a Master and caters to my little side and sexual slave aspects. And a Mommy/Big who caters to my beta submissive and little side, guiding me as well on house chores so my domestic service side has a place too. So live out every label you fit, and know they all work together to paint the beautiful unicorn rainbow which is you.
Digging your way out:
This pitfall is much easier, and more fun to dig your way out of. Starting with knowing the kinks you are into helps you define your label of little, submissive, slave, pet, switch, Daddy, Mommy, Domme, or whatever label or combination of labels you choose for yourself. You no longer are defined by a mold, but get to describe yourself using kinks and dynamic roles. For example, I am a little with slave tendencies who also enjoys being a domestic and sexual service submissive. I love age play, but also love slave positions and Gorean service. Even as a little, I love to cook and clean, and outside of little space love to be used as my Daddy’s personal sex toy. I use the kinks and things I enjoy, to define what the label of little, slave, and submissive mean to me.
Wrapping It Up
When starting a new relationship, or looking for someone new to explore with remember to get to know each other first and foremost. A lot of BDSM comes down to conversation and getting to know your partner and letting them know you. It allows you to talk out limits, and make sure you all are a match not just when scening but in your vanilla lives as well. Are your morals the same? Do you have the same vanilla interests? Do you even enjoy each others company when one of you isn’t tied down with a ball gag in your mouth? Your submission and Dominance are both gifts. Honor your gift, and give it fully to only those who show they deserve it and can meet your needs with eagerness. That includes you submissives. You deserve a Dom who will care for you and meet your needs too. Because only once you are full, can you pour out to others.
Respect and cherish your limits. They are part of your kinky self too and they are what keep you safe. They are there as safeguards making sure you can bounce all around the kinker-state without being pushed over the side. BDSM is a dangerous lifestyle because it is a power exchange in mind, body, soul, and spirit; you must hold onto and cherish your limits so your mind, body, soul, and spirit all feel safe, loved, and cherished.
And finally, break out of that BDSM mold you’ve been trying to force yourself to fit into. You will miss out on truly experiencing all the joy this lifestyle has to offer if you are trying to be someone else’s version of submissive or Dominant. Be authentically and completely you. Grab hold of all the kinks and labels you want to fully express who you are as the kinkster, hipster, vanilla-rainbow-glittered being you are. And shine bright like all the diamonds in the night sky. Shining and proclaiming every label that fits who you are, or who you want to one day be. Remembering one of my favorite quotes (with my own mad libs to it): “Surrender who you thought you were, for all that you can one day be. Because who you desire to be, is who you already are. You just haven’t found the right lighting to reveal that side of you to you.”
By Bratty Ann
Bratty Ann has been in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for 4 years serving as a slave, a pet, a submissive, and, of course, a brat. She has developed a deep passion for the lifestyle and for educating others on keeping it safe, sane, and consensual. Her favorite topics to educate on include domestic discipline, taming brats, and mental health in BDSM.
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I recently contacted to a Dom and after communication was asked to send money for a full kit to a PayPal account to start the first session. Is this normal.