Yes, Dominants Need Aftercare Too

I traveled with my submissive to a public dungeon out-of-town and attended a great seminar followed by an open play session. I was inspired by the seminar to try some of the things that the presenter had mentioned. What followed was a fun session for us. It was an intense and challenging session for the submissive, but it was equally immersive and draining on me physically and mentally.

Due to my deep connection with the submissive, and because I enjoyed our scene so much, I slipped into a flow and let myself go in that moment. It felt wonderful! It’s not always easy for me to find that special space as a Top, but with familiarity and the right person it’s possible and it’s the greatest feeling in the world.

Afterward we began to look for a dark quiet place for aftercare, but our options were limited. There was another playroom where we could be alone, but they didn’t have any place for us to relax besides sitting on a spanking bench. We tried our best, but the bench wasn’t really designed for two people to rest that way.

The other option was for us to sit in the social room, but that was filled with people who were joking and goofing off and being loud. The social room was too bright, and totally the wrong atmosphere.

My original intention was to have another scene after we had some time to unwind, but we were both spent, and it became evident that neither of us were going to find the type of environment that we needed for aftercare. We decided to head back to our hotel room and have a private scene instead. We knew that we could control the environment in our hotel room and that we were at the mercy of the club if we stayed.

I hopped in the driver’s seat and got ready to head back to the hotel, but I noticed that I was still wound up from the scene, that it was taking me longer to process things, and I was a little spacey. I told my submissive that I was going to relax for a bit before I headed out.

Despite waiting about 15 minutes to drive, (and the limited time we sat on that spanking bench) when we got to the hotel she mentioned that I hesitated way too long at stop signs on the way back, and I wasn’t making quick decisions. I was clearly still high from the scene, or what some people call Topspace or Domspace.

And I needed some aftercare. We both did.

What is aftercare?

There have been volumes of material written about aftercare, but most of what I’ve read and heard discussed focuses on aftercare for the submissive. And let me be clear, almost all submissives need and deserve some sort of aftercare following a scene. The more intense the scene, the more likely that a submissive, or bottom, will need aftercare and it’s your responsibility as the top, or Dominant, to provide that.

Taking care of the submissive you just played with is just as important as negotiation, consent, and safety during a scene. Dominants must take care of their submissives first, foremost, and always. It’s your responsibility.

Aftercare for submissives can range from just giving them a blanket and something to drink, to cuddling with them as long as they require, or checking in with them a few days later. You want to provide comfort and support. And you want to make sure that they know that you’re there for them. It’s just basic human kindness, but it’s so important to the physical and mental well-being of the submissive.

However, what gets glossed over, or often dismissed entirely, is the discussion of aftercare for the Dominant.

After my intense scene I was high on the experience. I needed some quiet private time with my submissive, and that was something that I was used to getting easily because I was in control, and we almost always played at home. But due to the environment we were in, and because we were not even in our home city, I didn’t get that time and it graphically demonstrated how important aftercare was for me as a Dominant.

Before I go any further, I want to say that my own needs and desires do not speak for everyone. I’m sure that there are many Dominants that would scoff at the idea that they need aftercare. Others might not be aware of their needs, or they may get it taken care of and don’t think about it. You do you!

But, maybe you’re a Dominant who has experienced something like I did, where the aftercare was truncated or non-existent. Or maybe you’re a submissive who wants to look out for the Dominant in your life. That’s who I’m talking to right now.

Are you getting the aftercare you need?

Wait a minute… if you’re a Dominant, then you’re in charge! Doesn’t it naturally follow that all your post-session aftercare will be taken care of? Not necessarily. There are several reasons that you might not be getting the aftercare you need.

In my own experience as a Dom I get very focused on the needs of my submissive partner, and try to bring my submissive’s desires to life. I want my submissive to be challenged, to grow, and to enjoy serving me. However, since I’m so focused on her needs, I often miss my own needs. I totally realize that this situation is completely my fault, but I’m trying to be honest here and do a little introspection. Maybe this speaks to you? If so, read on.

Some Dominants may be the type of person who is just completely unaware of their own needs, or actively seek to hide them. As a certified dude, I can tell you that many men are brought up to not burden others with their problems. Some men see this as either something that they should be taking care of themselves, or a sign of weakness. They have a blind spot on their own needs because it’s not something they would ever think about sharing.

Other Dominants might be a nurturing type, who are always worried about others, to their own detriment. I know so many people who grind themselves to the bone to make sure that their family and friends are taken care of, but they never take a moment to consider their own needs.

I can tell you outright that I was not aware of my needs as a Dominant early in my journey. It didn’t make any sense that I would need some attention too. But as my experience grew, I discovered that I needed certain things as well. That didn’t keep me from taking care of my submissive first, but I always try to get my aftercare as well.

There are two other reasons why Dominants might not be asking for aftercare.

If you’re King or Queen of the Universe, the most alpha of alpha Dominants, then you may have a persona where you don’t ever want to show that you need something, or show the slightest slice of weakness. Maybe you believe that aftercare is only for submissives. Conan the Barbarian would never ask for aftercare! That’s cool, but even Conan drank with his buddies, and sought companionship, when he wasn’t smiting gods and monsters.

There’s one more possibility, and it might be that you’re the type of person who just doesn’t need aftercare. That’s totally cool. You don’t have to need these things. My advice would be to keep an open mind though, and not dismiss this outright.

Speaking to submissives, does any of this sound like someone you know? You might have a Dominant who fits in one of these buckets, and it might be incumbent upon you to get this conversation started. Maybe the Dominant in your life is either unaware, or might think they don’t need aftercare. Perhaps they don’t need anything special, but a gentle conversation might be a revelation for both of you.

What follows are some ideas for aftercare for the Dominant. Most of these are focused on people who are in a relationship. Relationships deepen and expand the scenes you’ll have together. For me, relationships make scenes better each time, and it’s that dynamic that leads to me to need aftercare. I’ve never slipped into Domspace with someone I played with the first time. It’s the comfort and familiarity that allows me to find that space.

A single scene typically won’t require much besides a sincere thanks for a fun time and some feedback if that’s requested (or a hug, hugs are always good). But an ongoing relationship gets more complicated.

Everything that I’m presenting here is just a starting point for you to have a discussion on the topic. Every individual is the foremost authority on what they need. Go talk to them directly and find out.

Take or leave these suggestions as you will.

Physical aftercare for the Dominant

If you’ve never been the Dominant in a scene, you may not realize how physically demanding it can be. Repetitive motion with floggers, intricate rope bondage, maneuvering and protecting the submissive, moving furniture (I swear, I move something every damn time I play), packing and unpacking toys, and intense scenes, can be physically demanding.

Almost every scene that I’ve been in charge of has required both strength and stamina, and since I’m not an athlete by any measure, and I don’t get in the gym as often as I should, a great scene might take a lot out of me.

Even if you’re young and routinely break rocks for a living, you can still get caught with an injury, or just get worn out with a wild session.

Here are a few ideas to help Dominants recover physically, so they can get back in the game quicker.

1. Stay hydrated!

Most of us are bad about getting enough water anyway, but that goes double after a scene. Many of the clubs I’ve played in during the summer are just warehouses with lousy A/C, and that’s going to drain you quickly. Maybe you had a long scene, or it was really intense. These are all great reasons to drink some water. And, I know we’re talking about aftercare for the Dominant, but your submissive needs some water too.

2. Magic Fingers

If you have tired muscles, or you tweaked something while playing, how about getting a massage from your submissive? I can tell you that it’s one of the most wonderful things I can think of, and it can be genuinely therapeutic. Here’s a bonus idea: Spring for a massage class for both of you so that you’ll have some legitimate moves to use on each other.

3. Sexual Healing

Nothing relieves stress better than an orgasm. If your scene didn’t include sex (or if you’re ready for another round) maybe some Dominant-focused sex will take you there. Again, speaking for myself, I often get my submissive off during a scene, sometimes many times, but I might pass on my own orgasm. If you do that, maybe moving that to aftercare is the way to go.

4. Cuddling

I know, I know… LordGod Darkness doesn’t cuddle, but you might be missing out if you don’t take some time to get close to your submissive and relax. I won’t lie, being next to my submissive after a great scene is my favorite thing. I’ve never felt closer to anyone ever. If you don’t want to ask for some cuddle time, then just cloak it in wanting to watch some Netflix together, while you’re naked. It’s transcendent.

5. Serve Me Now Wench!

Food or drink will soothe the savage beast. And it’s a lowkey way to keep the vibe going. Whether it’s ordering out, or having your favorite food or drink available, having your submissive bring you some wine, or a cappuccino, or some favorite treat, will help you relax and get your energy back. Uhm… my favorite example of this is ordering sushi and eating it off my girl. Your mileage may vary.

6. Clean up on aisle 9

If things get hot and heavy during a scene then you’re both going to need to clean up. How about having the submissive either wash the Dominant in the shower, or a tub? One of the hottest scenes I ever had (as a submissive) was after a long scene I was required to wash the Domme. It was a loving way to worship her, and frankly, it was HOT AS HELL. And guys, don’t be so quick to dismiss having your submissive bath you. You might discover you want that all time.

7. Clean up part two

Most Dominants have a heavy toy bag and make a damn mess during a scene. Having the submissive help in the care and maintenance of your toys – cleaning them, organizing them, moving them – is a great way to take some stress off the Dominant, and make the submissive more invested in the BDSM relationship.

8. Me time

One of things that has brought me so much peace over the past few years is learning how to meditate. Checking out of the world, and concentrating on my breath, has helped me to find peace and calm down. Other people might want to take a walk, or watch a basketball game, or take a nap. It’s okay to let your Dominant have some alone time if that’s what they need to recover. Everyone is built different. Don’t take it personal if your Dominant wants to be alone, as aftercare. Give them some space.

Mental Aftercare for the Dominant

If your shoulder is hurting after using a heavy leather flogger, it’s pretty damn obvious what the problem is. The mental aspect of BDSM is so much more complicated, and that runs both directions. It’s not just submissives who have to deal with positive and negative thoughts after a scene.

Almost every Dominant that I’ve talked with, and particularly Dominants that are new to the scene, struggle with some elements of play.

When you’re growing up, most people are taught to be kind, and not hurt others, particularly those important to you. Much of BDSM play runs counter to that upbringing. In the context of a power exchange dynamic you might cause pain, or humiliate someone. You might say things you’d never say to someone you care about. You might be very strict or condescending with someone who is a very capable person. You might punish them, or do things to hurt their feelings. BDSM does not have to include that stuff, but it often does.

One of the things that experience brings you is the knowledge that you do this because you both agree to it. That’s what negotiation and communication are about.

I know that submissives have pushed my own limits as a Dominant because they needed more pain, or more humiliation. It helps that I’ve also been submissive, so I know that I want things as a submissive that doesn’t always make sense, and sometimes I crave cruelty or being tested physically. BDSM can be strange, and equally wonderful.

My point is that a Dominant might be struggling with doing some things that the submissive really wants. It may run counter to the way they were taught to treat people they care about. Scenes that go right up to the edge and require more from the Dominant may wear out the Dominant mentally, and proper aftercare can help recovery.

Just to lay it on the line, to all the submissives out there, you should let your Dominant know that you enjoy what you’re doing, and that you’re getting what you need. If they know you’re enjoying yourself, then they will be able to go further with you next time. I know that if a submissive says they can take more pain, and that they want more pain, that I’ll be more likely to push things the next time.

This is vital. Dominants need to know their submissives are okay. Or, even better, that you’re having a good time, or that it’s fulfilling a purpose for you.

Much of what I suggest below are opportunities for the submissive to relay that you’re okay to the Dominant during aftercare. It will not just help them after the scene, but it will make the next scene better too.

I also want to point out that aftercare is not just something that occurs immediately after a scene. When I experience Domspace it doesn’t just go away in an hour. It goes through several phases. I’m relaxed and “spacey” at first (not a great state of mind to be driving, but great for being close to my submissive). When the spaceyness wears off I might start feeling sore or tired from the scene. A day or two later, particularly if I haven’t heard from my submissive, it could lead to feeling lonely, or questioning how much they enjoyed the scene.

Hey, I don’t want to speak for anyone besides myself, but if I’m feeling that way, then others may also be dealing with similar feelings, something worse, or might not be affected at all. But I want to stress that aftercare can carry on for another few days after the scene.

So, since this is about aftercare for the Dominant, I want to empower the submissive to do a few things on their end to help out the Dominant in their lives.

1. Thanksgiving

Don’t ever underestimate the power of simply saying, “thank you.” When you’re the Dominant there’s a lot of pressure for you to plan the scene, pull off all the tricks and use your skills properly, protect the submissive, and make sure that all the players are having a good time. It’s a lot! You can acknowledge how much went into a scene and how much you enjoyed it with a simple “thank you.”

2. Forgiveness

Sometimes, despite the planning, a scene can completely fail. I know that I’ve had intricate plans that fell through because I didn’t properly explain what I wanted the submissive to do at the beginning. Sometimes toys fail at the worst possible time. Sometimes one player or the other isn’t feeling right. It happens. If other Dominants are like me then they don’t like to fail, and they take it personally. If you want to take care of your Dominant, then make sure they know it’s okay, and that you’re looking forward to next time. It will make a big difference to the Dominant immediately, and will make it easier to get going again in the next session.

3. Openness

When the time is right, and especially if the Dominant is asking, tell them more about what’s going on with you. I know, to some submissives, it can seem like the Dominant can read their minds, but they can’t! Tell them your own state of mind, how you’re doing physically, and be specific about what your reactions were during a scene. Tell the good and bad. It’s okay. Being dominant means shouldering a lot of responsibility, and they need to know you’re okay, and that you’re getting something out of the scenes. Open up and share your thoughts as part of aftercare.

4. Check in

Whether you live with the Dominant, or not, you should check in with them a day or two after a scene. The “high” of the scene is long gone in a day or two, and that’s why it’s so important. Tell them how you’re doing, and see how they are. A little love and reassurance at this time would be appreciated (and Doms… that goes both ways).

One other thought on the mental wellbeing of the Dominant… are they having fun? Are they as into the role as they were at the beginning? Are they always tired? Are they distant? Does it look like something is weighing on them?

As a good partner, part of your responsibility is to keep an eye on how they’re doing. Because of the potential powerful BDSM connection, it’s likely that you’re going to catch something before anyone else does. It may or may not be related to BDSM play.

If there’s a problem, your respectful and loving attention could make all the difference in the world.

A few final thoughts

Just like some submissives will want a stuffed animal, and to go shopping after a scene, Dominants will have their own quirky things that bring them back down to earth safely. I’ve provided some broad ideas to get the conversation going, but what works for you may be wildly divergent from what I’ve presented.

As a dominant, it’s possible that you have no idea what aftercare you need. That’s okay. Let’s be honest, it can be fun to find out. What you uncover, with some honesty and introspection, can be rolled into the protocols you set up for your submissive. If you’re open to the possibilities it can really pay off.

As a submissive, the only way to know what your Dominant needs after a scene is to talk to them. You might be surprised by what you discover when you bring up the subject. And just being open and supportive can go a long way to the Dominant’s aftercare recovery.

By Dirk Hooper

Dirk Hooper is a professional writer who has done work for many high-profile online magazines, has won the Top Writer Award at Quora for three years, and a Moore Award for copywriting in 2017. He published his first erotic BDSM book under a pen name in 2018. Hooper’s articles have been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently writing an erotic novel, a kinky comic book project, and a non-fiction book about social networking. Dirk Hooper has been a proud member of the BDSM community for over two decades and has been a BDSM mentor for over ten years.

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This article is solely the opinion of the author and the website does not endorse their specific view simply by publishing it.

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