If you like the idea of adopting a 24/7 Total Power Exchange relationship, Domestic Discipline (DD) could be just your thing. A consensual lifestyle choice based on the framework of Domination and submission (D/s); DD incorporates one partner taking full control while the other complies.
This type of affiliation isn’t for everyone, but my husband/Dom and I have enjoyed a fruitful DD relationship for over a decade. I’m the first to admit, it’s not all been plain sailing, but we’ve ridden the waves and weathered the storms, and our marriage is thriving. Could DD work for you too? Let’s find out…
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What Does a Domestic Discipline Relationship Involve?
DD relationships vary in nature but typically involve the Dominant partner setting rules for the submissive partner to follow. The submissive is held accountable and transgressions often incur punishments.
In a DD-style relationship, the Dominant partner is often referred to as the Head of Household (HoH) and the submissive partner as Taken-in-Hand (TiH). For some, a DD relationship has religious connotations. Traditional Christian DD relationships are based on biblical beliefs and consist of a male HoH and a female TiH partner.
For others, DD has nothing to do with religion and is purely a form of Total Power Exchange designed to define roles and strengthen the relationship. With this in mind, you’re likely to find a range of DD dynamics, such as a male HoH with a female TiH partner, a female HoH with a male TiH partner, and same-sex DD couples. In short DD relationships can work for any gender and orientation.
Domestic Discipline Vs BDSM
BDSM is an umbrella term, let’s break that down to make sure we have it covered and understand what the concept entails:
- B&D: bondage and discipline
- D&S: dominance and submission
- S&M: sadism and masochism
BDSM incorporates a broad range of activities, from being lightly bound with rope to receiving a severe caning. Those who like to engage are often known as “kinksters, “ some enjoy playing privately and others like to play at events.
Personally, my Sir and I like to engage in BDSM play for fun both at home and at parties with like-minded friends. I love getting tied up, teased, and spanked! In our world, this type of play is classed as “funishment,” and it feeds into our lifestyle nicely. However, when it comes to our DD lifestyle, we view things a little differently.
While DD can include elements of BDSM e.g., spankings, it’s more about day-to-day commitment rather than just-in-the-bedroom fun. Punishment and “funishment” are not intertwined when it comes to our dynamic. A punishment spanking is delivered with severity and there’s no trace of playfulness!
Why Would Someone Submit to Domestic Discipline?
Couples engage in DD relationships for various reasons including to demonstrate love, to protect, to guide, and to improve unity. The HoH generally makes the decisions and outlines what will happen, how, and when. The TiH partner follows, accepts, and obeys.
This sounds extreme, but from my viewpoint, our DD relationship works well. My Husband/Dom/HoH enjoys being at the helm. He takes pride in providing security and making sure we have all we need to prosper and grow. He sets the rules (although we do discuss this), makes the decisions, guides, and instructs.
For my part, I enjoy a sense of freedom that goes hand-in-hand with renouncing certain responsibilities. This may seem like a cop-out, but it gives me the opportunity to focus on my defined role and all that comes with it, rather than try and cover a multitude of bases. I like to follow a framework of rules, receive instructions, and be held accountable. I also like to please, which is a handy trait when you’re a submissive.
As for consequences, yes, I do incur punishments if rules are broken or instructions are disregarded. In my case that involves spankings and other forms of chastisement (we’ll look more at consequences and punishment later). I don’t feel resentful if I’m punished, on the contrary, I feel a sense of calm afterward – almost as though the balance has been restored! I find I’m more productive too, which is a bonus.
The Benefits of Domestic Discipline?
Domestic Discipline can enhance a relationship in a range of ways. Engaging in this type of union can add clarity and reduce tension as relationship roles are clearly defined. There’s no power struggle, no constant back-and-forth debate, and no lengthy arguments. You can still communicate and discuss, but the HoH has the final say.
DD can also help to iron out bad habits and lead to a better way of living. Rules can include the TiH providing healthy home-cooked food every day or an agreement to exercise regularly. If a TiH partner has succumbed to poor habits such as tardiness, constantly trawling social media, drinking too much, etc DD can help to address certain issues and get things back on track.
The HoH can also use DD to shape his habits and improve his conduct. DD provides a sense of security too. The HoH provides a loving and safe environment, enabling the TiH partner to relax and focus on aspects of the relationship that might otherwise be neglected.
Setting Domestic Discipline Rules
The rules outlined in a DD relationship differ from couple to couple. But the key element remains – if a rule is agreed to it should be followed. Rules should be discussed in advance, agreed and recorded. They can be displayed (if that’s appropriate) or kept in a safe place and referred to as needed. Here are a few examples of the rules a HoH and their TiH partner might decide to use:
- Keep the house clean and tidy
- Provide a home-cooked meal every day
- Show respect to the HoH – no arguing, tutting, sulking, etc.
- Not to lie or cheat
- Only spend money as agreed – follow the household budget
- Exercise three times per week
- Ask permission before accepting social engagements
- Maintain a well-groomed appearance
- Learn a new skill e.g., playing the piano, and practice twice weekly
Some rules are more general than others e.g., to always be respectful of the HoH, but others are more specific to a couple’s particular dynamic. For instance, a TiH partner with a penchant for spending lots of time scrolling through social media may benefit from a rule limiting mobile phone usage at certain times.
Accepting Domestic Discipline Consequences
Despite the adage, rules are rarely made to be broken, well not DD ones anyway! If a TiH partner does break the rules or misbehaves in some way, they should be prepared to face the consequences, these might include:
The Risks of Domestic Discipline
The Importance of Consensual Domestic Discipline
You’ve heard it before and you’ll hear it again, when it comes to any form of TPE, BDSM, D/s, or DD consent is the most important factor of all. Without consent, DD is merely a disguise for an abusive relationship. Before you embark on a DD relationship spend time thinking about what you both want, and what you don’t want.
This is a time for open and honest negotiation, not a time for hiding away from true feelings. If you’re entering into a lifestyle DD agreement, you’ll need to ensure you are both comfortable with what you’re getting into. Some couples like to begin with a verbal negotiation and follow this up with a written contract.
The rules are integral to the contract, again these should be agreed upon in advance and not too unworkable. It’s better to start with a few rules, then review and discuss, building on tenets and regimes as necessary.
You’ll also need to discuss consequences and punishments. As a TiH partner I accept punishment will come my way if I get things wrong. We discussed consequences and punishment before embarking on our DD journey and we agreed that penalties would consist of spankings, tedious chores, time out, and privilege removal (saying goodbye to my mobile phone, even for short periods, brings me heartache)!
Physical punishments, such as spankings, need to be discussed in more detail. How will these be carried out? How severe will the impact be? Should impact leave marks? If the submissive regularly play sports or undresses in front of others bruises may be difficult to explain. Pre-negotiation on punishment should also include the identification of a safe word/signal. In the BDSM world, the words red (stop) and amber (slow down) are regularly used, but the safe word can be something of your choosing.
Maintaining a Domestic Discipline Relationship
Getting things started in the right way is one thing, but keeping a DD relationship on track takes work and effort. Remember your goals and why you entered into a DD relationship in the first place.
Communication is key, talk to each other if things aren’t going to plan. Check-in and make sure expectations are being met. Is the HoH providing the security and direction needed? Is the TiH partner following instructions and serving as promised? DD is a two-way street so you both need to uphold your end of the agreement to achieve success.
If the TiH partner transgresses (which is likely at some point), there will be consequences. This may be difficult to deal with initially, but discipline is not only used to punish and rectify, it’s also used to reconnect and restore – and can bring you closer together.
Discipline can be delivered with sternness and coldness, but a consistently hard-hearted approach from the HoH could leave the TiH partner feeling hollow. For my Sir and I, aftercare is important following punishment. We talk about the infraction in terms of what went wrong and why. We also come up with ideas for preventing a repeat performance! Afterward, we like to cuddle and then we move on.
Real-Life Domestic Discipline
In some ways, DD is an underground movement, but you will find information and like-minded people out there. The world-wide-web is your friend, so use it to access blogs and articles, and discover private community groups whom you can share your experiences with.
DD can be a lonely path, my Sir and I can talk about our relationship, but it’s not something we are comfortable sharing with all and sundry. Some couples are more open and tell family and friends about their dynamic and that’s your prerogative, but remember – not everyone is as open-minded. Prepare yourself for potential finger-pointing and accusations of abuse if you do open up to all.
Contrary to the concerns of well-meaning others, we love and respect each other very much. We find DD a useful way of planning and managing our lives and we get more done. In short, we’ve defined our roles, have mutual consent, have identified and set rules, agreed on punishment methods and we’ve enhanced our relationship. We’re planning to continue on this DD journey and we wish you well if you embark on the same adventure.
By Astolaine
A submissive in a 24/7 TPE marriage spanning twenty years, astolaine strives to serve and obey her beloved Sir. However, she does have a playful, bratty streak - which occasionally gets her into trouble. A fan of exploring the bright, bold world of kink, astolaine and her Sir regularly indulge in play, attending parties and events to complement their dynamic.
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Domestic Discipline: The Not So Talked About Dynamic
When you hear Domestic Discipline what do you picture? Perhaps it’s the image of Lucy laid across Ricky’s lap from the good ole’ airings of I Love Lucy. Or perhaps you think it is vanilla people’s way to get kinky. Or maybe you have no idea so to be sarcastic you just say discipline that happens domestically. All three of these answers are equally correct, and also wrong at the same time.
