The presence of a Dominant can be hugely comforting in public. Having their guidance and being able to follow their lead in real time can relieve the stress and pressure of making decisions! But sadly our Dominants can’t follow us everywhere (or vice versa!) and often we must operate without their immediate guidance.
So let’s talk about how you as a submissive can respect and follow your Dominant’s guidance in kink settings when your Dominant is not physically present!
(I will note that there is no universally ‘right’ way to navigate these situations as long as what occurs is consensual, emotionally healthy and safe for all participants in the dynamic.)
Know someone who wants to play
Play Parties and Kinky Events
Your Dominant may only want you to attend public play parties and kink events together. This might be because your Dominant wants to ensure your safety, supervise and negotiate any play with other people or generally reinforce that cosy subby feeling of being owned by your Dominant. There is nothing wrong with this boundary if it is what makes you and your Dominant feel comfortable within your dynamic!
However, this is not the case for every D/s dynamic. Whether due to scheduling conflicts, social battery or what events your Dominant prefers to attend, it might not always be possible for your Dominant to attend every kink event with you; and you may have the dilemma of missing certain opportunities and experiences while waiting for your Dominant’s availability.
Some Dominants may be very encouraging of their submissive being independent and exploring kink settings without their Dominant’s supervision. Your Dominant may give you permission to attend events on your own, providing you follow their instructions and always remember who you belong to.
What next steps can you make to feel secure and confident respecting and obeying your Dominant when alone in kinky settings?
Establish your support network for the event
Your Dominant may allow you to attend kink parties alone if you are with a ‘chaperone’. A chaperone might be a trusted mutual friend, perhaps a fellow submissive or someone who is aware and supportive of the rules of your dynamic. Or your chaperone might be another approved play partner (providing it is agreed that you can play with other partners).
Whoever the chaperone is, they need to be someone who can recognize unsafe situations and cares about your emotional well-being! Having a chaperone or a safe group of friends can be hugely beneficial to avoid the submissive feeling vulnerable or unsafe without their Dominant.
However, if you are attending an event alone as a submissive and do not already know anyone else who is attending, it is important that you:
Set rules, boundaries and expectations before the event
Pre-empting situations you may encounter in a kink space and setting rules or boundaries beforehand is crucial when entering a kink setting without your Dominant. Having a strong set of rules will help you as a submissive navigate the space without needing to be in constant contact with your Dominant.
The pre-existing rules of your dynamic might transfer seamlessly into a kink setting when a submissive is alone. But it is also possible that these rules may need adjusting or the introduction of new rules in order to make both partners feel confident and happy!
Some rule adjustments may become obvious to you. For example, if you have a rule that the submissive must always be naked when engaging in play … well this rule will likely need to be temporarily postponed or tweaked while the submissive is alone in a kinkspace. Firstly, because the venue may have rules about nudity that you need to adhere to and you also need to consider consent of others who may not want to witness nudity in a public play space. Secondly, it wouldn’t always be safe for a submissive to be physically vulnerable in an unfamiliar place or with unfamiliar people!
Other rule adjustments may become clear with some trial and error. I would advise both sides to stay open to changes and compromise where possible. Thankfully, with some creativity, there are ways to keep almost all of the rules of your dynamic intact while also slightly changing the rule conditions to suit a public kink space.
Let’s address some common concerns and potential rule considerations when a submissive attends a kink event alone!
To Play or Not to Play
No play
You might both agree that the submissive will not play with anyone at the play party, no exceptions. This could be because your Dominant is your main and/or only partner or maybe your Dominant feels uncomfortable with you playing without their supervision – both completely valid reasons!
A ‘No Play’ rule can help reinforce the feeling of ownership, reassure the Dominant of their submissive’s obedience when alone and make the submissive feel safe and secure in an unfamiliar setting. You may want to pre-warn friends or other play partners attending if you do not intend to play in any circumstances: this can help you avoid awkward conversations during the party with any Terry or Gina who were hoping you’d play!
As a submissive, you may want to practice how to politely and safely decline spontaneous offers of play. It can be really common for submissive types to ‘people-please’ or feel pressured into agreeing to a scene you do not want to engage in, especially at a brand new party! It is completely reasonable to attend a play party and not play. No one has the right to pressure you into play, cross boundaries or shame you for not engaging in play (regardless of whether you are in a dynamic or not!). Remember to always prioritize your safety, well-being, boundaries and your dynamic in these situations.
Of course, you may meet someone exciting at the party or be tempted to join a welcoming, engaging group scene, even if you’ve agreed to a ‘No Play’ rule! In this situation, I would advise you to always try to contact your Dominant and ask permission before engaging in any play. Be prepared that your Dominant may feel pressured in the moment to give permission to make you happy (Dominants are human too!) or they may even feel frustrated and expect you to follow the ‘no play’ rule during the event without question.
If your Dominant has explicitly expressed they do not want you to play with anyone under any circumstances, I would advise that you respect their wishes during the event. Unless it is agreed in your dynamic that defiance or rule-breaking is negotiated as something your Dominant is comfortable addressing or correcting, I wouldn’t risk doing so in this scenario.
Defying an order or crossing a boundary your Dominant has set risks breaking down trust. It could even cause real lasting damage to your dynamic or hurt your Dominant’s feelings – two things we don’t want to do! Even if your Dominant takes disobedience over a ‘No Play’ rule fairly well, your Dominant may decide to set stricter rules for future events or no longer let you attend events alone if they feel you will not follow instructions.
If a ‘No Play’ rule feels overly restrictive or suffocating to you as a submissive in a way that doesn’t feel right or consensual, address this immediately with your Dominant. Ignoring feelings of suffocation or tension can lead to outbursts or spontaneously rule-breaking down the line that damages the dynamic.
Remember: each partner’s consent is equally important. Submissives need to respect their Dominant’s consent and boundaries, the same way Dominants must respect a submissive’s consent.
Play with permission
Your Dominant may decide you can play with pre-agreed partners (if the submissive asks permission first).
This may be the preferred rule for a lot of dynamics, because it enables the submissive to have secure boundaries while still having the freedom to happily explore playing with other people. Additionally, it provides the submissive an opportunity to obey their Dominant actively!
It is not always feasible during a party to contact your Dominant quickly to ask for permission! So you may want to pre-establish a list of approved play partners. Hopefully this would include partners that the submissive regularly plays with that have been vetted as safe, respectful people. Or it may be a wish list of people that the submissive would like to play with for the first time (if it is mutually agreed that these people appear safe). Of course, the list may change overtime, so it is important that both Dominant and submissive communicate and amend the list when necessary.
Alternatively, your Dominant could form a list of people that you are not permitted to play with. For example, if an ex-partner is attending the party, they may be ‘off-limits’ for play. Furthermore, it may be a rule in your dynamic for whatever reason that the submissive cannot play with someone of a certain gender or other such mutually-agreed conditions. You may also decline play for a number of ethical reasons, i.e. if you have strong morals about a situation or do not wish to cause complications for another person by playing with their partner, etc.
Most importantly, I would recommend a ‘off-limits’ list of anyone who is known to play unsafely or has a history of predatory behavior, for your own safety. (Of course you would hope these people wouldn’t be invited to the event, but unfortunately the community is flawed and a public event may not vet their attendees strictly).
Free play
Even with blanket permission to play whomever you choose, the submissive still has a responsibility to make wise choices and keep their Dominant informed! The submissive is being trusted to use their judgement in these situations; you will need to assess who is a suitable play partner and proceed cautiously and respectfully.
Agree on communication for during and after
Communication during a kink event can be scattered and interrupted! Even with the best of intentions, technology can interfere with good communication and cause undelivered messages or missed calls. Parties are often busy and crowded too, so a submissive may not have the time and space to communicate consistently with their Dominant during a hectic party. Or vice versa!
That being said, it is a good idea to plan a communication strategy ahead of the party. If your Dominant expects regular updates or permissions to be asked during the party, agree on set times for that communication. Be realistic – every five minutes may not be feasible, but a check-in every hour or half hour may be more practical. Another solution may be that the submissive asks a trusted mutual friend to quickly update the Dominant on their behalf if the submissive is unable to communicate during a scene! This way the Dominant won’t need to worry if their submissive suddenly goes quiet during a scene!
Alternatively, the submissive may find it overwhelming to have this level of contact and instead agree on a full detailed update after the party, maybe in the form of a diary entry or phone call. Personally, I recommend phone calls after a kink party because of the element of aftercare it can provide to the submissive and Dominant. It is a way for both people in the dynamic to express concerns, ask questions, reassure one another and explain their views clearly – and it is also a great opportunity for Dominants to praise and comfort their submissives! Diary entries can also be very effective not just for communicating within the dynamic but for preserving memories of the event for the submissive to reflect on.
Planning communication early can mean that there are no unexpected or unpleasant surprises on the day of the party if either the Dominant or submissive feels unable to contact the other or left out.
Another important aspect to discuss is the level of detail that needs to be communicated! Some Dominants prefer to know every detail, experience or feeling that their submissive has gone through at a party. Submissives may be very happy to be as honest and open as possible, or they may find the level of detail slightly intrusive – this is something to be negotiated and navigated together.
Alternatively, some Dominants may not want to be told in-depth accounts of play sessions with other partners. They may instead prefer a quick summary or just the reassurance that the submissive was safe and followed all instructions during the event. It all depends on your unique communication style and what is normal for you!
Both Dominant and submissive need to be aware that attending a party and playing without the Dominant may stir up unexpected feelings of jealousy or sadness on either side. For example, a Dominant may not realise that hearing details about a play session will cause them pain or upset. Or a submissive might not realise that attending a play party without their Dominant makes them feel vulnerable. As such, I would be considerate when having these conversations during or post party.
Check in with your partner as you recount these memories, ask if they want to know more details or what they feel comfortable hearing. You would be surprised how a minor detail can have all kinds of unexpected effects on a person’s mental health in these situations.
It is normal to feel a bit odd, estranged or even upset after a party without your Dominant, and you may want to re-establish your dynamic afterwards! Maybe planning the next scene or session with your Dominant or completing submissive tasks might help you both reconnect as Dom and sub and settle back into normality after a party!
The week after a party, it is important to reflect on the experience, provide each other with regular comfort and reassurance and also begin to adjust or change rules for future parties if appropriate! Make sure to take care of each other!
Prepare coping mechanisms and emotional aftercare
Attending a kink event without your Dominant can have a powerful emotional toll on a submissive, no matter how brave or independent you are! One moment you may be playing or happily chatting in a group and the next you feel a wave of emotions that you didn’t expect! In preparation for these moments of emotional vulnerability during a party, I recommend bringing aftercare supplies and coping mechanisms with you to the kink event.
Essentials to bring with you always include food and water. Try to bring your favourite snack, perhaps something healthy and something sugary to help your energy levels. You may want to bring a soft blanket to wrap around your shoulders during emotional moments or a change of cosy clothes.
Submissives who engage in littlespace may want to bring a stuffed toy with them to cuddle when they are in need of comfort (sometimes I bring as many as my bag will fit)! I would also recommend a small book or activity that can provide a distraction if you feel socially awkward or overwhelmed by a situation. I would avoid excessive consumption of alcohol (if it is available of course) as it can inhibit your ability to consent to play, to defend yourself socially or physically and to make well-reasoned decisions.
If your Dominant is not available to talk during the party when you feel upset, maybe consider bringing a comforting note or message to read when needed. Or maybe you can speak to a kinky or vanilla friend on the phone for support instead. Having these coping mechanisms in place ready to use is highly important when a submissive is trying to stay emotionally safe and protected at a kink party!
During a vulnerable emotional moment, I would avoid engaging with strangers for play, as you may be persuaded to do things beyond your limits. You may even regret the interaction once you feel more level headed. Unfortunately, some unsafe play partners may see your emotional state as an opportunity to take advantage, which is something to be wary of in an unfamiliar setting. Play might make you feel better in the moment, but it is not a cure for sadness and the drop afterwards may be worse as a result.
If you are alone and do need to seek the comfort from someone else and you do not trust anyone at the event, you may want to take a break. For your well-being and safety it is always best to call it a night. I would not approach a single person that you do not know or go into a private space during a period of vulnerability. Ultimately if you vulnerable and do not feel safe with anyone at the kink event, it is always best to err on the safe side and remove yourself from the situation.
If it helps you with your submission, maybe ask your Dominant to set rules for you to follow independently such as drinking plenty of water, not going hungry or taking regular comfort breaks throughout the party. Remember that your Dominant wants you to stay safe and take care of yourself in their absence – after all, you belong to them! So whatever you do for aftercare in your Dominant’s absence, remind yourself that it is an essential part of your submission to them!
Follow your Dominant’s guidance to the best of your ability
Even if you go into a kink party without negotiating any of the above, you will still likely have an understanding of who your Dominant is, what behavior they expect and how to make yourself and your Dominant happy.
Fantasy is different from reality. If you are an exhibitionist or you have a humiliation kink, you might go into a kink event expecting to play publicly or fulfill certain fantasies. You might have a dynamic where your Dominant likes to show you off and enjoys hearing stories about you playing with as many people as possible. Your Dominant may even have expectations or fantasies about how many times you will play, who you will play with or what tasks you will complete.
Sometimes, these expectations can be unrealistic. As much as you want to please your Dominant, don’t do it at the cost of your personal safety.
You may arrive and realize you feel too exposed, vulnerable or embarrassed to play in a public space, play with a certain person or engage in a certain kink. Venues and attendees are not guaranteed to be safe – please put yourself and your own well-being first when engaging in play. A Dominant worth their salt will be understanding and put aside their fantasies if you are unable to complete a task or scene due to safety or well-being problems.
If you are a private person, you may find you prefer private play spaces over public ones. On the other hand, you might usually be a private player, but realize when you attend that you thrive in public play, maybe even against your Dominant’s preference. Again, this is a situation where your Dominant’s desires and your own are at odds. I would always advise discussing these situations with your Dominant after the party and try to follow their wishes where possible until you have come to a mutual agreement.
There will sometimes be things that occur at kink parties that are out of your control, such as unwanted personal questions, invasive conversations, spontaneous group play, unsolicited play propositions, arguments, among other things. Remind yourself that you are only in control of your own actions as a submissive. Adhere to your Dominant’s instructions as much as possible and do not blame yourself if someone else’s actions impacts your experience.
How to Feel Owned and Safe without your Dominant
Collar and Restraints
One of the simplest and most common displays of ownership in the BDSM community is a collar. Whether it is a subtle day collar necklace, bracelet or anklet or a heavy duty metal or leather collar or anything in between, wearing a collar is an act of submission! It communicates to other people and yourself that you are dedicated to your Dominant and following their guidance.
Additionally, you may want to consider wearing or using other kinds of restraints or bondage when you arrive at a play party, whether subtle or overt. If orgasm denial and ownership is a big part of your dynamic, you could consider wearing a chastity belt or cage underneath your clothes to signal your obedience. Alternatively, you can experiment with clamps, plugs or even spiky inserts as a way of suffering and feeling close to your Dominant in their absence.
More overtly, you might choose to wear cuffs or chains within the play space. Check in with the event organizer to make sure that these kinds of restraints do not go against rules for public play. You also need to be aware that you should inform play partners of any restraints you are wearing for safety reasons. Keep in mind that your play partners are within their rights to decline play once informed whether for their own comfort, intimacy or safety reasons. But you are also within your rights to display your submission as clearly or privately as you wish if it makes you happy and doesn’t impact anyone else’s safety!
The Panties Rule
A popular rule among submissives at play parties is a ‘panties rule’ stating the submissive may not lower their panties while playing with other play partners. This rule can be extended to any kind of clothing! Maybe the submissive must wear a bra or a shirt of some kind during play, or a specific outfit the Dominant has chosen!
A panties, bra or outfit rule of this kind can preserve the privacy and safety of the submissive in a public space as well as reinforcing the Dominant’s ownership over the submissive. You may also want to establish ‘no touch’ areas that are off-limits during any kind of kink play. This is especially important if you want certain things to be kept as a special experience or privilege between you and your Dominant!
For non-sexual play, this can work well to set boundaries with new people. With sexual play, it is still important for the Dominant and submissive to set limits and agree on rules about clothing and nudity in a public kink space.
You may also need to consider the practicalities of any limitations – for example, if you have a choking fetish but your Dominant does not want anyone to touch your neck without his supervision or permission, that of course will limit your ability to engage in specific kinds of kink play.
If you enjoy impact play but want to keep a panties rule, you may want to consider a specific kind of underwear like cheekies or thongs so that play partners can safely observe the marks they have made during play while respecting the submissive’s privacy and comfort zone.
Photos and Videos
Taking photos or videos can be exciting, thrilling and encapsulates the memory of the event. Your Dominant may want to see photos because it makes them feel included in the moment, allows them to see and imagine not only what the submissive experienced but what other play partners experienced in the Dominant’s absence. If you feel comfortable taking photos, it can be a gift to yourself, your Dominant and even other play partners to take them where possible!
Of course, they need to be taken with care and consent of everyone involved. If you and your friends or play partners hide your identity online (as many people within BDSM do for the sake of privacy, careers and family life), you need to make sure that faces and identifying features aren’t included in photos or that they are appropriately blurred when photos are edited. You also need to agree where and with whom the photos are shared and if they will be posted or deleted.
I would not recommend taking videos with strangers or allowing strangers to have photos or videos of you on their personal devices – try to only take photos or videos with people you absolutely know and trust.
On the other hand, your Dominant may not want to see photos of the event, as it might make them regret not attending with you; in which case you might avoid taking photos or take photos (with your Dominant’s permission) without showing them the final result.
Play Limitations and Boundaries
Submissives need to be confident in what kind of play they cannot engage in and what limits they share with their Dominant. Maybe you are not allowed to engage in a kink that you are not experienced in without your Dominant. Maybe you are not allowed to play with certain implements during impact play, or you are not allowed to be restrained in a certain way. Maybe you are not allowed to play with someone unless you know and trust that they are experienced in the kink that you plan to use in a scene.
These are safety measures that give the submissive an element of control when playing with new people and prevent compromising situations where the submissive is put at risk. But these limitations can also be a form of ownership in a dynamic. Perhaps you only want to do breath play with your Dominant, because it is special to you both. Or maybe you are only romantic or intimate with your Dominant, out of respect for your dynamic. Setting limitations and boundaries with scenes in kink spaces can make you feel closer to your Dominant even when they aren’t present at the time.
Perceptions from Other Kinksters
Depending on the type of kink party you attend, some attendees may be unfamiliar, misunderstand or not resonate with D/s dynamics. Some may simply be curious and have lots of questions, which are great to answer if you feel comfortable having an open dialogue. However, don’t feel it is a necessity to ‘educate’ other people – your dynamic may be as bizarre as an alien life-form to another kinkster, but they aren’t entitled to detailed explanations from you.
Some may express concern for your well-being; if you truly believe you are in a healthy, safe, consensual dynamic and you trust your Dominant, you can recognize or appreciate other people’s care without indulging too heavily in doubts or worries that question your dynamic or choices. Politely change the subject if it feels too personal.
Others may be suspicious or even resentful of your attachment to your Dominant or the fact you are ‘owned’ as opposed to single or unattached. Ask that your friends and play partners respect your dynamic and that they do not try to undermine or discredit your Dominant, especially in their absence. How you respond to this situation if it occurs varies on your comfort level. You may feel brave and confident in confronting that person to address their comments, but this does have potential to escalate tension rather than neutralize the conflict.
Alternatively, you can excuse yourself from the conversation and refuse to enter into the topic again, as is your right. Or perhaps you may want to return to the discussion with a clear head after gaining advice from your Dominant or when you feel you are in a safer space or platform.
Remember that while your D/s dynamic may not be to everyone’s taste, you are only here to please yourself and your Dominant – other kinkster’s views do not need to be entertained if they make you feel uncomfortable or unwelcome.
Other Kink Situations You May Face Without your Dominant
Online Interaction
A lot of kink interaction now takes place in an online space, be it in private messages, chat rooms, group chats or on a social media platform. Some Dominants choose to monitor a submissive’s online communication within the kink scene and are therefore able to guide and enforce rules consistently.
However, a lot of Dominants allow their submissive to have independence in online spaces – which can leave the submissive questioning the protocol to follow when approached online.
Where possible, I would advise against sharing personal information about yourself or your Dominant without permission, especially to people you do not know. This is not only a matter of respect but safety. The same applies to photos of yourself and your Dominant, whether vanilla or kinky. If someone is pressuring you for information it feels wrong to share, they are not a safe person to interact with.
At times, you may be propositioned to engage in online or in person kink play. Try to navigate this politely with the knowledge of what your Dominant allows and expects. It is okay to enjoy online interactions, if it is safe and mutually consensual. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you do not have an obligation to reply, but if you do, I would advise being brief, firm and not participating in a back and forth debate that can become heated.
If the person approaching you is rude, aggressive or refuses to accept your response, it is advisable to cut contact temporarily or permanently. Even if an online interaction occurs without your Dominant’s presence, I would always recommend telling them as soon as possible, even if you know they would approve of or support your online communication in a kink setting.
Honesty, openness and communication is essential when in kink situations without your Dominant. Even if you make a mistake, it is better to admit to it and address it together than to conceal it and cause problems of mistrust or dishonesty.
Guideposts, Checkpoints and End Goals
Attending kink events alone as an owned submissive can be daunting no matter if it is your first time or your fiftieth. Not having your Dominant with you might always make you feel a little bit lost – but planning guideposts can help lead you back to feeling safely under your Dominant’s watchful eye even in their absence. Building a solid foundation of rules and preparing beforehand can greatly ease some of that anxiety and uncertainty you may feel when attending without your Dominant.
Remember that each kink experience is unique – you may be full of adrenaline and joy at your first kink party and nervous at the next or vice versa, there is no guarantee. It is all about managing your experience in a healthy and safe way so that it benefits you and your Dominant. Kink parties are intense experiences – do not blame or judge yourself harshly if you have a negative experience in the scene.
Check in with yourself and your Dominant regularly and be honest about how public kink spaces affect you. If you find that kink parties have a repeated negative effect on you and your dynamic (no matter how much you prepare) you may want to take a break and reconsider whether public kink spaces truly suit you as a person and a submissive. Perhaps being social with other kinksters is safer and easier for you online rather than in person – and that’s okay!
Parties are meant to be fun and beneficial, make you feel welcomed, supported and celebrated in the kink community. Kink itself is meant to be enriching to our lives – so do what makes you thrive as a submissive and an individual.
Trust yourself that you do in fact know what your Dominant wants and expects from you. The best framing device for a submissive in the position of making decisions independently is to remind yourself that everything you do when alone is in service of and to please your Dominant – and also yourself.
And if you do attend a party without your Dominant, plan lots of cuddles, positive attention and open, uplifting conversations upon your return to look forward to when you are safely back under your Dominant’s guidance.
By Helena Faye
Helena is a kinky freelance writer, polyamorous bisexual, mischievous brat type and a dedicated owned submissive living in the UK. As a part-time Little, Helena applies her passion for teddies and stuffies to vanilla life writing for a teddy bear company. She is a frequent roleplayer and spanking party regular, who loves bringing kinky fantasies to life and getting lost in them. In 2020, she entered a discipline-focused D/s dynamic with her Dominant and indulges in her 24/7 obsession with spanking among other kinks.
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