BDSM Protocols Part 6: List of Service Protocols, Relationship Protocols and Sex Protocols

We’re closing in on the final part of this series about BDSM Protocols. But before we wrap up, I want to encourage you to reach out with your questions and ideas for anything I haven’t covered yet. It’s entirely possible that I missed something unique, or a special type of protocol that means a lot to you.

If you have any comments or questions about this series please leave me a comment at the bottom of this article. It’s possible that I’ll do another article with your input, either immediately, or later when I get more feedback.

So, we’re nearing the end of this series and I’ve saved some of the juiciest protocols for last. In this article I’m going to give you more ideas for protocols including Service Protocols, Relationship Protocols, and… what I imagine most people are waiting for, which are Playtime and Sex Protocols.

Before we get going again, I want to encourage you to try to find your own unique protocols that are special to you and your relationship dynamic first. Those protocols are going to be the most cherished ones you have because they are created from and supportive of the magical blend in your relationship. Unique protocols are always going to be better than those you pick from a list. Read the other articles on this subject before selecting the stuff here.

And one more time, I want to underscore that less is always more when it comes to protocols. I know you can look at a list like this and feel like a kid in a candy store, but too many protocols can be a burden to both the dominant and the submissive and can lead to trouble that threatens your entire relationship if it’s not managed correctly.

With that said, let’s look at the lists of new protocols for service, relationships and the bedroom.

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Service Protocols, Rules and Rituals

Some of these service protocols are going to appear to be mundane, or more like what you would expect between a vanilla couple. Almost everyone splits the jobs in a household and it’s a part of the discussion you have when you want to make sure that everything is taken care of. Creating protocols around these duties will add a little spice to your relationship.

Many of these are also the types of protocols you’ll give to a service slave. If that’s your role, you should expect to have many, if not all of these, applied to your service.

Serving Food, Drinks, etc.

For a dominant, part of this protocol is to figure out what you like, and when you want it. For example, if you like coffee in the morning, then the way you like it fixed and how you want it to be presented is all contained in this type of protocol. Maybe you want a glass of wine as soon as you get home. Perhaps you have a Diet Coke habit that needs to be fed. This protocol can be set up to happen at certain times, without any prompting, or you can simply request what you want. I usually have the submissive prepare whatever it is, kneel before me and present it to me with both hands. Maybe you just want it to magically appear next to you on a coaster without a word. Or you might want the submissive to sit in your lap and hold it for you. Have fun with this one. It’s one of the protocols that will bring you and your partner together regularly and often.

Fixing Food

Look, not everyone is a great cook, but if you’re lucky enough to have a submissive who can cook well, then establishing your protocols around what they are to prepare, and when, can be a sacred luxury. Setting up this protocol can include which meals will be prepared and when, how to ask what the dominant wants (or if they dominant wants the submissive to just surprise them), and what the submissive does when the food is ready. Does the submissive eat with the dominant? Does the submissive serve the dominant during the meal? Does the submissive kneel next to the dominant and eat table scraps? There’s a lot to decide for those who like this protocol. Even if your submissive is not a chef, this protocol could include ordering something from Door Dash and serving it.

Present or Standing at Attention

When you’re going through basic slave positions, this one is the most basic of positions. How do you want your submissive to stand? Do you want them near you, or in the corner? Do they stare straight ahead or face the wall? Do they fold their hands behind their back or behind their head? How long do they stand there? Do they wait for a prompt by you, or is there a specific time? What do they wear? There are so many different variations of this simple and effective protocol. It’s certainly not just “standing.”

Massage

Early on in my BDSM adventures I was lucky to find a submissive woman who was also a certified massage therapist. Two things evolved from that. Obviously, I got my share of massages in that relationship, but I also took the opportunity to learn a lot from her as well. I’m a very tactile person, so learning and improving at massage became important to me. There are short classes on massage that a submissive can take (nothing wrong with the dominant taking it too). As a protocol you can schedule massage sessions at a certain time of the week or lay out what you expect during a session. A tactile dominant like me might want to have a protocol set up for your submissive to be available for you to return the favor. Even basic massage can be good for circulation and can reduce stress.

Bootblacking

Even after all this time in the community, and after literally travelling to events and gatherings around the world, I’ve never had my boots properly cleaned and polished by a submissive, or what is referred to in the community as “Bootblacking.” I’ve seen it done many times though and there’s a long and storied group of adherents to this practice (Wikipedia has the practice, as a fetish, going all the way back to the early 1900s). What would really kick this protocol up a notch is to seek out people who have learned this properly, as a ritual and an act of servitude. If you’re interested in this, there’s a whole community out there dedicated to it. I imagine you can find YouTube videos or articles on the subject.

Cleaning & HouseHold Chores

Keeping a house clean is always a lot of work. If you’re going to include cleaning duties as a protocol, or things like taking out the trash, then take a moment to make sure that you’re being fair to the submissive about what is expected. This is exactly the type of protocol that is great in theory, but can easily become more than the submissive can keep up with or the dominant can monitor. Also, consider all the other responsibilities outside of your BDSM dynamic or this could be a source of frustration for you both.

General Maintenance

Similar to cleaning protocols, other house duties like mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, painting, fixing things, and general maintenance of the house can be part of your protocols as well. The same thing applies to this protocol as cleaning and anything else. You don’t want your submissive to miss time at work, or forget to pick up your kids, because they were doing some sort of busy work at home instead. Then again, if your submissive is handy, this protocol is a slam dunk.

Relationship Protocols, Rules and Rituals

Some of these relationship protocols are my favorites, because they bring me closer to my partner. I think these types of protocols are also ripe for abuse as well. There’s a line between being intimate and protective and being overbearing.

Keeping A Journal

I’ve had every submissive keep a journal of her experiences for the past couple of decades. It’s just really good for communication. The protocol is that when we have a scene, make changes, or there’s something the submissive wants to talk about, they are supposed to write down their thoughts, both good and bad. I have a submissive keep that journal online in a secure anonymous location where we both have access to it. The point is that it gives the submissive a place to fully express themselves, particularly if they are the type of person who doesn’t like confrontation. It also gives me some insight into my submissive’s state of mind, what’s working and what’s not working, so I can make adjustments. If you live with someone, the journal could just as easily be a traditional diary that they can share with you. For this to work well, the submissive must be able to write this stuff down and not get in trouble for expressing their feelings. And the dominant must read the entries and talk about them, especially if there’s a problem. If a dominant overreacts to an entry, you can be sure that you’re going to be getting a diluted post from that point on. Even if you don’t agree with what they write, realize that it’s an honest account of their feelings and dealing with it requires a cool head.

Greetings

When I see my submissive, after an absence, I have a protocol where she kneels before me and kisses each of my feet. The protocol is only when we’re alone or in a BDSM setting. I’ve heard all kinds of crazy and elaborate greetings and you’re welcome to add your own flourish. Just remember that what is cool one time, might get tiresome over and over again. What I like about this greeting protocol is that it immediately puts both players in the right state of mind.

Check-ins

If you’re apart from each other a lot, live separately, or travel often, this protocol can give you some continuity and peace of mind. I ask for submissives that I’m not living with to text me first thing in the morning and right before they go to sleep. It can be a simple “goodnight,” or more in-depth depending on the situation and the discretion of the submissive. I don’t require them to talk further, because they may be running behind in the morning or exhausted and ready to get to sleep. What it does for me is keep that connection and tell me that my submissive is safe and sound. It’s led to much deeper conversations about the day ahead or what happened, or just life in general. If your submissive is heading out for a trip, or they are doing something special, then a check-in protocol can be put in place.

Concerns

This protocol is like having the submissive report when they do something wrong. But in this case the protocol is that if they are feeling unsure about the relationship, or what they are doing, or something specific is bothering them, then they must tell you all about it. Sometimes this will work spectacularly and give the dominant an alert on something they have a blind spot for. It’s mostly just an incentive to get a submissive who is shy or who doesn’t like confrontation to open up and talk about issues before they become a bigger problem.

Emails Or Texts

There’s no way I can give you all the variations of this protocol, but what I’ve heard of are setting up protocols whereThis protocol is like having the submissive report when they do something wrong. But in this case the protocol is that if they are feeling unsure about the relationship, or what they are doing, or something specific is bothering them, then they must tell you all about it. Sometimes this will work spectacularly and give the dominant an alert on something they have a blind spot for. It’s mostly just an incentive to get a submissive who is shy or who doesn’t like confrontation to open up and talk about issues before they become a bigger problem. a submissive has to email or text you a photo of themselves (or a description) at a certain time of day, or during a particular activity. For example, during their lunch break they have to go into the bathroom and take a photo of what kind of underwear they are wearing today (or not wearing). If you spend a lot of time apart from your submissive or want to get into their heads while you’re away, having a protocol for them to take a sexy or humiliating selfie and send it to you can bridge that distance and keep you in their minds.

Permission To Eat

The most simple variation of this protocol is that the submissive must wait to eat until the dominant gives them permission. You can also make the protocol a trigger that the submissive has to wait until the dominant eats. That’s the sort of quiet protocol that can take place in a crowded restaurant and only the two of you know it’s happening. Other variations are the submissive must stand while the dominant eats, or kneel while the dominant eats, or they have to eat on the floor, or a million other things.

Asking Permission for Purchases

If you want to lock down spending, or it’s a part of humiliation play, then you can create a protocol where the submissive must ask permission to buy anything. Of course, this is going to be incredibly restrictive if the submissive must go to work, or college, or just take care of daily chores. Can you imagine having to respond to texts all day while a submissive goes grocery shopping or every time they need to fill up a car? I think this works better for discretionary spending, or maybe over restricted periods, like for a weekend. But it is an incredibly powerful piece of humiliation to be an adult and go ask for permission to buy anything. Another variant of this sort of thing is to give your submissive an allowance and the protocol is that they are not to spend any more than their allowance without coming to you.

Food Is Ordered by The Dominant

When you go out to eat, this protocol states that the dominant will be the one who orders for the submissive. It’s up to you whether the dominant will make the choice of what the submissive eats, or if they are kind enough to take the desires of the submissive into account first. I did a whole scene with one submissive where I had a bunch of protocols set up before we went in. We knew what was happening with the meal, and other suspected, but there wasn’t anything obvious going on. The submissive said she was very nervous and felt exceptionally submissive during the dinner though, so… mission accomplished.

You can read Paul Bishop’s erotic tale of dining protocols between a Dominant and his submissiver in the link here: A Taste of Dominance

Scheduling Activities

If you want to turn your submissive into your secretary or personal assistant, then setting up protocols around scheduling is the way to do it. You can turn over your daily activities, or setting up doctor appointments, sports activities, vacations, or anything else you desire. Just be sure that the person who is doing it has the time to do all of that for you, and they are competent enough to do the job. Some service slaves will love this sort of thing. If they don’t enjoy doing this sort of thing, find another protocol to add to your portfolio. The last thing you want to do is turn over something so important to someone who doesn’t want to do it, or who isn’t really capable of doing it.

Research On Porn, BDSM or Fetishes

I had an acquaintance online that had a protocol where she was supposed to look up new kinky porn, or ideas for play for her Master. She always wanted me to help her come up with new ideas and I told her that was her responsibility, not mine. This is the sort of protocol that you might try if you’re both new to this, or you want to explore new play ideas, or you just want your submissive to be horny and surfing the net all the time. Then again, a variation of this is have your submissive search out new activities they might be interested in trying and do a report on it for you both. That’s one way to bring them more into the process.

Inspection Protocol

This protocol can be two different things. One is a protocol that’s focused on the submissive, where they must be available or present themselves at specified times for an “inspection.” This would function much like a military inspection where the submissive stands at attention (or another slave position) and the dominant inspects the posture, grooming, body, or other aspects of the submissive. The other version is an inspection of some work or duty of the submissive. For example, if the submissive is supposed to make the bed each day, then the dominant will inspect and approve the job.

Collar And Symbolic Jewelry

This is a standard protocol, but some people get very serious about wearing a collar or other symbolic jewelry and how it is worn, when its worn, who puts it on, when it can be removed, who can remove it and so on. I could probably write an entire article about collars and other jewelry but just understand that the rules regarding them are all protocols.

Playtime and Sex Protocols, Rules and Rituals

I’m only going to scratch the surface of playtime and sex protocols. That’s because literally any sexual activity or act of play can have a protocol attached to it. And, if a particular sexual activity or playtime activity is important to you both then you should definitely do that! I did cover that sort of thing in a previous post when we talked about adding protocols that were personal to you.

And covering all the stuff you could attach protocols to would be exhausting and repetitive and still wouldn’t cover everything. Sex and play are incredibly varied, folks.

What I’m going to focus on are the types of protocols that are uniquely inspired by a power exchange relationship.

Asking Permission Before Orgasm

This is a gold standard protocol that I’ve used since my first kinky scene. What’s wonderful about this protocol is that it instantly separates your play from the vanilla crowd and it’s a strong indicator of your BDSM dynamic. Whether you’ve been in the position of a submissive who had to ask permission (or hold out), or you’ve been the person in charge, who has all that power, it will verify your role like nothing else.

Asking Permission to Play with Yourself

Some dominants won’t even allow you to masturbate at all, but if you’re allowed to get off on your own, then one way to still be part of the process is to require your submissive to ask permission first, then report back once the deed is done. This could conflict with the Asking Permission to Orgasm protocol, so you’ll have to also agree to that.

Chastity Rules

Chastity play is a whole subject on its own. But running chastity play is likely going to involve more than just slapping on a device and walking away. Some people do chastity play with no device at all. That’s where protocols come into play. As a submissive, I had a dominatrix put me on chastity for a month and it was totally verbal. That’s a protocol. I was told to not have an orgasm. She could have specified that I wasn’t to play with myself at all, or maybe even worse, that I was supposed to edge myself silly but never have release. You’re going to be on the honor system with a verbal rule, but I didn’t cheat all that time, so it’s possible

Swallowing Semen or Cleanup Duties

I’m putting a few things together here because they are similar. Two examples of this sort of protocol is every time a man produces semen, or every time a woman pees, then the submissive needs to clean up the mess. There are many other variations of this, including capturing the fluids and presenting them in another way, or cleaning them up in various ways, but the typical way is for the submissive to use their mouth. Keep in mind that if it’s a protocol, you have to consider whether you’re with each other all the time or not, and what you do if you’re not. Keep in mind that during any form of sexual intercoursesex, there is always a chance of STI/STDs transmission and infection, even if the partner seems to be clean or they say they are disease free. This is not a practice that would be considered without proper testing and upon front communication and consent. Read more about staying safe during play in the link here: Safe BDSM Practices

Being Available Sexually

To set up this protocol you’re going to have the person either be in a certain place at a certain time, or you’re going to set up dress (or undress) and slave positions to signify that the submissive is ready to be available. Some protocols dictate that the submissive must always be available for sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you always end up on the bed in the bedroom your submissive is going to wonder why you have that protocol set up. This is mostly about setting a mindset for the submissive, or about making sure that they wear certain things, or position themselves in a certain way and always have this protocol on their minds. If you have this protocol, don’t forget to exercise it.

Thanking The Dominant After Orgasm

Here’s another protocol that I’ve always used. Simply have the submissive thank you when they orgasm. I’d suggest being patient with the thanks and letting the submissive have their moment before they thank you. This is another protocol that’s all about the submissive state of mind. It’s very effective to establish who is in charge.

Positions

Maybe you want the submissive to kneel in front of you before you play. Perhaps you like it doggy style and you want them in that position to start with. I always set up a simple protocol that the submissive must not close her legs, so I have access to her during play. All the different variations of slave positions and the rules around those positions are a potential group of protocols so that the submissive acts a certain way and is where you want them and how you want them.

Toy Protocols

Some of the protocols around the toys we use include kissing the toys before they are used, involving the submissive in preparing the toys before you use them, cleaning the toys, and helping to put them away. I think involving a submissive in the care and maintenance of toys is always a good idea. It shows some reverence for what goes into a scene and underscores how expensive and precious these tools are. Learning to take care of these toys is a good practice for everyone and something you should always pass on to both casual players and lifelong partners.

More on Toy Protocols

If you’re doing training with butt plugs, or you want to impart a little pain play when you’re not around, you can set up a protocol to happen at a certain time of day or when a particular event happens. Butt plug training can happen while they are at work or getting groceries. You might require them to wear nipple clamps while exercising. Let your imagination flow… but always put guardrails up and account for accidents, and make sure that you can audit the activity somehow, because if you set this up and forget it, the submissive will too.

Permission To Get Dressed

When things are winding down most people would instinctively put on a robe or some clothes. If you’ve set up a protocol to ask permission then, once again, you’ve established something that carries on after the scene and puts the submissive in the right state of mind. They can’t put on something without asking first.

Final Thoughts

In this installment of my BDSM Protocols series, we explored three key categories of protocols, Service, Relationship, and Playtime/Sex. Service protocols covered rituals like serving drinks, food preparation, and household chores, while Relationship protocols delved into practices that strengthen emotional intimacy, such as journaling, greetings, check-ins, and permission-based interactions. Finally, Playtime and Sex protocols offered guidance on reinforcing the power dynamic during intimate moments, including rules around orgasms, chastity, toy usage, and submissive positioning. Each section provided practical examples and ideas to help couples customize their power exchange according to their unique dynamic.

I’ve really enjoyed writing this series on protocols, but I could always add to this if you have questions for me or you think of aspects that I haven’t covered. I’m always happy to revisit this topic in the future. Leave any questions or ideas you have in the comment section below and I will be happy answer them.

While we’ve covered a wide array of possibilities, the heart of effective protocol design lies in personalization, choosing rituals and rules that resonate with your relationship rather than simply mimicking others. Protocols aren’t just about control or submission, they’re about connection, intention, and creating a shared language of devotion and trust.

By Dirk Hooper

Dirk Hooper is a professional writer who has done work for many high-profile online magazines, has won the Top Writer Award at Quora for three years, and a Moore Award for copywriting in 2017. He published his first erotic BDSM book under a pen name in 2018. Hooper’s articles have been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently writing an erotic novel, a kinky comic book project, and a non-fiction book about social networking. Dirk Hooper has been a proud member of the BDSM community for over two decades and has been a BDSM mentor for over ten years.

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