BDSM Question: I Want To Introduce Pain Play To My Partner

I want to introduce mild pain – and my boyfriend is very very reluctant to go there. he trusts me, and knows I would not injure him, but this is not a place he wants to go, nor does he think he can find it pleasurable – even if accepting it pleases me.

I can’t force it on him. I can’t take an attitude of “too bad, I am your Mistress and you will do as I say, I don’t care if you don’t like it”

I want to do it, but I also want him to find the pleasure I know can be experienced from it. the question is HOW??

In regards to pain, he can’t take even the minutest amount.. he feels pain in his nipples if i even touch them, let alone nibble on them. I like to bite – not to injure or even leave marks – but nibble. I like to bite just to that point of it feeling painful. I like to bite his lip when we kiss. He says it hurts and asks me not to do it. I do not want to give pain for the sake of giving pain. But I know the pleasure i get from mild pain, I know the rush of endorphins – i want him to experience that as just another level of pleasure i can offer him. He says he trusts me and will accept pain if it is what I desire – but I want him to WANT it. I need him to WANT it.

so, how can I coach him through it? What can I do for him, say to him to relax him, to absorb the pain and embrace it – he knows that the nipples will be my focus if he misbehaves (which is another area I need to work on. I get too soft on him – when he gives me those puppy dog eyes I melt and I know I shouldn’t)

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My Response

Pain – it’s something that some people like to inflict, and something that others want to avoid at all costs. And it’s also a sticky subject when you’re ready to try a BDSM flavored relationship.

And while I hate to be the bearer of bad news – your partner doesn’t sound like he’s into pain. At all. This is just the way he is, and it’s not a reflection of who you are. You’re right, you can’t force him to do it. And right now, it sounds like you’re right on the edge of forcing him to do something that he doesn’t want to do.

What I would suggest, and I can’t tell if you’ve done this yet, is that you talk to him about why you want to inflict pain with him. If your partner begins to see the reasoning behind your sexual desire, he might be more open and willing to try things out.

If, and only if, he agrees, then you can begin to coach him through the pain with breathing exercises. Have him practice deep breathing when he feels intense pain and eventually, you can train him to feel less pain or to be affected less by the pain that you inflict.

But I have to say that your question sounds more like you wonder if there’s a way you can make someone like what you like in the bedroom. And honestly, the answer is ‘no.’ You can’t MAKE anyone do what you want them to do, even if you’re a Mistress. If your partner has made it clear that they don’t want to feel pain, you have to respect that limit.

In time, they might change their mind, but it’s up to them to let you know when their mind has changed.

At this point, you have a decision to make. You can either stay with this partner while finding other ways to enjoy their companionship in bed or you can find a new partner who is interested in receiving pain.

Making a person ‘want’ pain is not always possible because some people are just more sensitive than others, and pain is not a pleasant experience for them – no matter how much YOU want it to be.

I say, back off your partner for a bit and let them come to you with the desire to please you. If you just go after them with painful things, they’re going to begin to resent you for hurting them. It needs to be their decision. And if they try it out through their own willingness and they still don’t like it, you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. If so, it’s time to find a new slave.

If they do come to you and want to try some light pain of their own free will there are a few things you can do to make the experiences more pleasurable for them.

1) Know what their limits are and never cross them. Too little is better then too much.

2) Never start with pain. So many Dominants become so excited by the idea that their sub finally wants to try pain, its the first thing they do. The sub may want to experience some pain in their play, but their body is not physically prepared to receive it right away. Any form of pain will be too much to handle at the beginning of a session.

3) The first thing you want to do is get your sub completely relaxed. This means take off any uncomfortable clothes they may be wearing, make sure the room is a comfortable temperature and perhaps even put aside your Dominant nature and give them a relaxing massage.

4) Once they are relaxed, comfortable and calm, you can finally begin heating up their body. Kiss, lick and touch ever single erogenous zone they have. Don’t miss a single inch on their body. Turn them on like they have never been turned on before. Tease, tease and tease so more.

5) Once they are horny and dying to have you, start pleasing them orally. Tell your partner that they are not allowed to orgasm without your permission. So they need to tell you when they are close to cumming. You are going to bring them to the brink of cumming at least three times.

6) Now have your partner bend over, so you have access to both their buttock and genitals. While you keep your partner aroused with one hand, try lightly spank their buttock with the other hand. You have now just introduced mild pain into play and chances are they’re probably enjoying it.

The Reasons Why This Method Works:

Once a body becomes turned on, it can actually handle more pain. The nervous system can only carry one message at a time. With so much pleasure being flooded into the nervous system, the pain messages become diluted. The spanking will seem very mild and most people can easily handle it. Also there is a large nerve that passes through the ass and carries on to the genitals. By stimulating the buttock with spanking, you can in fact stimulate the genitals. Not to mention spankings cause more blood to flow into the buttocks and genitals, hence the reason for the redness. More blood causes an increase in arousal. Lastly, you are using classical conditioning to link mild pain and pleasure together. You are teaching your partner that they can become more aroused and enjoy pain. The two can exist together and in fact heighten the other.

Of course one time will not establish this connection and just because you have tried spanking once and they liked it, does not mean you can start jumping to floggers, paddles, clamps, etc. This is a long learning process and a Dominant must be patient, attentive and understanding of their subs needs.

To learn more about proper spanking techniques and introducing your sub to new fetishes and BDSM training techniques check out BDSM Slave Training Techniques
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Regards,

Master Bishop

support@bdsmtrainingacademy.com

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3 thoughts on “BDSM Question: I Want To Introduce Pain Play To My Partner”

  1. Pete Williamson

    Drop it. Give him light random nibbles, bites, spanks. Then gradually make them more frequent. AND tell him (immediately after sex) that you’re really turned on and want him to do something really nasty to you, anything he wants. If he reciprocates, he’s on his way to becoming the man of your dreams. Slow is the key.

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