This article is partly dedicated to a young man that reached out to me in an inspiring display of vulnerability. The clear frustration and desperation in the tone of his message made me wonder what he had endured leading up to that point.
He reached out to ask me how he can meaningfully engage with our local community. I’m admittedly awestruck by this question because in my experience, it’s unusual for a newer member of a kink community to seek out answers regarding how to achieve a goal that isn’t inherently selfish.
Ordinarily, my fellow veterans of the lifestyle are inundated with questions regarding best practices to court their person of interest (in compliance with our esoteric unwritten community rules) and how to get vetted for one party or another. These are among other inquiries that demonstrate obvious self-interest in personal affairs that are community-adjacent.
That is, I have felt that many of the lifestylers I have observed merely superficially embrace their local community as a means to an end, whereas this gentleman seemed to be interested in genuinely embracing the local community as a part of the end goal.
These suggestions are informed by my several years of service, expansion, and construction of dungeons and kink groups in collaboration with exquisitely diverse dungeon/group owners.
Additionally, I assume that the average reader will have a minimal budget as a financial donor to dungeon startup and maintenance. These suggestions are best suited for those that have a decent amount of leisure time and/or special skills to leverage to support a dungeon in lieu of direct monetary contributions.
Help spread the word!
Survey interests and report results to the dungeon owner
Dungeon event calendars often look like replicas of those of other dungeons. You don’t have to settle on your assumptions as to why this is, you can discuss the matter with the owner of your local dungeon.
If they’re open to ideas, consider creating a free survey to gauge interest in different event themes and activities. The link can be posted in a kinky forum your community members have access to and can provide their input (anonymously if necessary).
Gather the data and make a simple chart in PowerPoint to easily show the results to the dungeon owner. Depending on their workload and vision for the dungeon, this may be very much appreciated.
Start a journal club
The scientific community’s version of the classic book club is journal club; a bunch of nerds get together to simplify the major points of an academic article they read that they felt was relevant to their group’s interests.
For instance, if you work for a small biotech company that is working on a new antibiotic, you would probably discuss a brand new published discovery of a bacteria that is showing resistance to the same class of drug your team is considering modifying.
Believe it or not, there’s a decently sized body of research that examine multiple topics in kink, fetishism, gender, sexuality, and other relevant topics.
Many are open source, but if you find articles that are behind a paywall, you can always email the first author for a free copy via email and they’ll happily send it to you. You don’t have to get too far down the rabbit hole with the science; all you have to do is explain what you found interesting about the topic, why you think this group should know about it, the main conclusion the authors came to, and perhaps propose a way to apply those findings to your local community.
Don’t let the kink nerds fool you; many of them don’t actually read. And what they do read is usually from a copy-paste meta reading list containing books written by authors that published their work through their own “publishing house”. The ideas in many of these books are insular, not data intensive, and contain obvious bias in favor of the author’s interests.
Don’t feel as though you must have a decade in the lifestyle under your belt just to discuss an article written by someone with an advanced degree.
Manage a community cork board
It probably sounds old school, but it’s a useful way to openly introduce dungeon guests to the various requests and opportunities that would ordinarily just be “heard through the grapevine”.
This board can showcase wish list items that describe a scene to help match people of similar interests. It can show opportunities to collaborate on projects such as photoshoots, bondage furniture building, etc. It can even be a board that shows requests for help (these are popular among service subs).
For instance, someone may be seeking help moving into a new home, a mentor in the lifestyle, assistance with their kink shop when they attend large events as vendors, etc. These boards add extra flare to a dungeon because they unite dungeon guests and encourage collaboration.
Perhaps one of the wildest observations a new lifestyler will make about the members of their local community is that many of these people are looking for connection specifically with other kinky people because they can’t easily relate with vanilla people on a deep level.
Volunteer as a mediator
“Uh, Aurelia, do you mean a dungeon monitor?”
No, I don’t. A dungeon monitor (DM) has a narrow purpose (and thankfully so or a broad scope would dilute their attention): to mitigate risk to guests as much as possible, rescue guests from situations of duress, and protect the interests of the dungeon. That last part is particularly noteworthy because it provides the DM with an inherent implicit bias.
A mediator is a designated person that serves the purpose of assisting disagreeing parties with finding a mutually acceptable resolution. They do this by remaining detached from the situation, hearing both sides of the issue, asking for clarification when needed, laying out the facts as they’re understood among all parties involved, providing options for resolution, and bearing witness to that resolution.
They should not be biased in favor of the dungeon, its staff, owner(s), donors, etc. One may think that this role is only available for those with licenses in counseling and adjacent professions. While this is undoubtedly the superior option, it’s not necessary.
The dungeon owner needs to practice extreme discretion when electing a mediator for disputes that happen in the dungeon because finding someone capable of performing this task can be quite challenging. I assume this is the primary reason that many dungeons don’t even consider designating mediators for disputes.
Their reasons aside, disputes do happen in dungeons far more regularly than one would suspect and brainstorming a conflict resolution system would be a valuable service to the dungeon owner who underestimates this issue.
Create music playlists
I know this sounds like the most minimal task a person can offer up, but this is a splendid way to save a dungeon owner time and help create a better dungeon environment.
Most dungeons play music and ordinarily use a playlist someone put together. This can get repetitive though, so having multiple music recommendations can be helpful.
Additionally, most playlists that owners default to consist of the same tired old songs that are universally agreed upon as “scene music”, usually by merit of their lyrics alone. There are plenty of undiscovered songs out there that might be excellent for scenes and overall dungeon vibe that have obscured or no lyrics at all!
It takes time to explore these options, and that’s where you come in.
Volunteer as a promotional content creator
The majority of dungeons do attempt to build a brand. Branding requires logo design, flyers, website banners, photoshoots, social media posts, and in very rare cases might even consider video content.
If you have graphic design skills or you’re willing to learn from this project, you’ll want to get very comfortable with making flyers because this is where most of your time will be spent.
A business savvy dungeon owner understands that a brand is important to create a sense of identity that their guests may engage with. An ambitious, creative host, however, understands that branding goes further.
The content that is used to broadcast dungeon events is extremely important because it sets the mood for the event. The content conveys from the producer to the guests what they can expect and what mode of behavior and presentation is expected of guests.
Without high quality content that accurately portrays the vision of the producer, the event stands a good risk of being unsuccessful. The guests may arrive confused, kill the intended vibe of the event, and alter the theme entirely for everyone else. I have gone to events simply because of the creative name of the event and/or the tasteful visual promotional material for it. The event may have flopped spectacularly, but the visual material accomplished what it was made to do: get me to the door.
If you have latitude to take on more of a leadership role for a new dungeon, some uncommon ideas may interest you. You can develop designs for merch for the dungeon using a print-on-demand service for a seamless no upfront cost option.
You might also consider the unique opportunity to create video content to promote the dungeon amenities. To be clear, such content is not pornographic and does not reveal guests; I am referring to a 2 to 3-minute teaser that showcases the dungeon’s capabilities and atmosphere using high-definition videography.
While such a video may not be able to be published on most vanilla websites, it can be published on some select social media websites. Additionally, showcase videos (and perhaps orientation videos) can be stored on a Google Drive or DropBox and the open access link can be shared with view-only capabilities.
Be a dungeon ambassador
This is a fairly advanced task that may require some experience in the lifestyle and in your dungeon first. This idea stems from the vanilla variant, a club ambassador. I feel like this classic facet of nightclubs has become unpopular in our modern times, so the concept may seem foreign.
The idea is to regularly attend vanilla events where you think potential kinky guests can be found. This role does require good conversation skills, an outgoing demeanor, friendly disposition, and comfort being around a large crowd of people. An ambassador needs sound judgement as well because they’re bringing people back to the dungeon where more risky activities are taking place, and the wrong guest can create an unsafe environment.
For instance, it might be fair to assume you might find potential compatible guests at a nightclub event that is cleverly titled to strongly suggest kinky themes. While you don’t truly know who you’re bringing into the dungeon, some quirks are obvious signs of unsuitability for a dungeon atmosphere.
However, it might be assumed that an A.A. meeting would be full of people looking for a “high” to replace that which was achieved through intoxication. Certainly, many lifestylers would agree that there’s a certain “high” gained from BDSM activities that feels as good as or better than that achieved through drugs. But it might not be prudent to integrate someone into the dungeon when their vice compromises their self-control without medical intervention.
Anyone can be a club ambassador, but very few can be good ambassadors. The latter is characterized by patience; they’re willing to really get to know the person of interest and test their compatibility before mentioning the dungeon to them.
Book talent for the dungeon
Depending on the personality of the dungeon owner that you’re dealing with, this may be one of the best services you can provide them. The owner has several things to worry about on top of their vanilla life. If this person wants a thriving dungeon rich with a busy calendar, you can be a huge asset.
Booking talent doesn’t require particularly special skills, it just requires dedication to the search and good people skills.
A few examples of some talent you might consider booking includes: a burlesque group, a few authors of lifestyle books for signing and Q&A, and lifestylers who can demonstrate a play style that isn’t ordinarily demonstrated in your area. Talent booking will depend on whether the event is geared towards entertaining or educating.
If you choose to try this out, be sure to never make promises that you can’t keep. Be sure that you understand the owner’s budget in advance as well as their hard limits on what they will not allow.
Host special skill workshops
The practicality of this suggestion will depend on the resources your dungeon has and if the owner will provide a budget for making this happen. If you’re great with your hands, you could have a class on making various toys (i.e. floggers, soy-based candles, etc.).
Other interesting workshop topics include pole dancing and makeup artwork. If the owner can’t provide you with a budget to cover the class, you could ask those interested in attending to provide an admission fee to cover the necessary materials at cost.
Pickup free/cheap furniture
When a dungeon is going through the construction phase (particularly the commercial spaces), the common issue owners face is a lack of basic furniture.
Having a place to sit and having surfaces to place items on are essential in any space hosting gatherings. This suggestion works particularly well for those located in large metropolitan areas. In cities with older buildings, it’s common for tenants of multistory residential buildings to simply offer their bulky furniture up for free pickup as opposed to dealing with the burdensome logistics of hauling it to the ground floor.
These older buildings have narrow doorways and stairways and sometimes lack elevators. The tenant’s laziness is your opportunity to snag free leather club chairs, elegantly carved chests of drawers, and even luxury tufted Chesterfield sofas.
If you have the ability, the will, a friend, and a small budget from the dungeon owner to rent moving equipment, you can make a really nice haul in a large city during peak moving season.
Pro tip: you want leather furniture because it’s easier to clean.
Donate construction supplies
If you’re in the mood to declutter your garage and you find some project supplies left over, you might consider donating them to a dungeon that is either just starting up or is established but undergoing a refurbishment phase.
As anyone who has completed a paint job will tell you, it’s very common for people to overestimate how much paint and how many paintbrushes and rollers they need. These items would undoubtedly be appreciated by dungeon owners to help create a more hospitable atmosphere at the dungeon.
They may even need common tools and small parts like nails, nuts, and bolts. Dungeons that operate out of residential buildings have special needs that you might be able to help with as well.
These private dungeons often have outdoor areas that might require chlorine for pools and mulch for manicured back/front yards. This idea extends to picking up these items from a friend that doesn’t need these supplies anymore.
Donate commonly used dungeon consumables
While this seems like an obvious suggestion, it warrants coverage because I have found that many new lifestylers eager to contribute to their local dungeon don’t usually know what a dungeon regularly consumes. There are obvious consumables such as lube, condoms, gloves, and even carabiners. Many people don’t realize that dungeon owners will also appreciate cleaning products (including trash bags) and paper products.
The coolest method of sourcing on a budget I have encountered involved a hotel housekeeper. This dungeon guest noticed that the hotel would dump large trash bags of paper towels, toilet paper, and cloth towels for some minor defect that mostly affected the aesthetic quality of the item and not its utility. The housekeeper used to take the trash bags of paper and cloth towels to the dungeon to be repurposed and it saved a decent amount of money in the long-run.
The items that dungeons burn through quickly are cleaning supplies. If you have a unique way to economically source those items, you’ll make a dungeon owner very happy with your donation.
Webmaster for a dungeon page
This is admittedly an obvious suggestion that many of your more experienced kinky friends might mention at the top of their head if you had asked them how to help their local dungeon. This task is simplified if the dungeon’s websites are limited to social media pages because of their streamlined features and user-friendly interface. Some dungeons do have a unique domain and computer literacy is a required skill.
As one might expect, your time commitment to this role will vary depending on the dungeon owner’s needs and goals. But you can expect to reply to social media messages, publish content authorized by the dungeon owner, update event details, and in some cases, you might have to manage user credentials on an external website that requires member logins.
As simple as this might sound to the younger generations, this is actually a massive help to the dungeon. A diligently updated web presence creates a more engaging dungeon user base and maximizes attendee turnout. But more importantly, an updated, lively, and aesthetically sophisticated web presence creates a more professional (and therefore, more trustworthy) context for guests and dungeon staff to work with.
If your local dungeon doesn’t have an external website, social media, group forums, etc. and they’d like to have those spaces created, consider volunteering your time to build these spaces at a pace that’s comfortable for you.
This role does come with a cautionary note, however. If you volunteer to contribute to your local dungeon in this fashion, you have a responsibility to take good care to represent that dungeon with a reasonable level of professionalism that reflects well on the dungeon. If you wouldn’t write it on company letterhead or email; if you wouldn’t want HR to find the content (for reasons other than its kinky nature, obviously) – don’t publish it through the dungeon page(s).
Additionally, it goes without saying that the internet brings the worst behavior out in people. You need a thick skin to fill this role if you will be subjected to emails/messages. If you find it difficult to compose yourself in the face of general “Karen” behavior, I highly recommend you consider another way to positively impact your local dungeon.
While no one will cite strict universal standards that are reminiscent of lowkey legalese in a typical employee handbook, my personal stance on this is if you’re going to do something (especially on behalf of an organization), do it right.
The key to creating a meaningful and impactful connection with your local community is essentially to create value around yourself. There are absolutely instances in which newbies enter their local community and practically have the proverbial keys to the city because of the notoriety of the person that sponsored them. But one should not assume that this is anything more than a happy accident.
This advice is for those that came in as a no-name kink-curious person and they have realized that they want to enjoy the fruits of their labor as a sort of self-made community member at large. This is commendable and definitely attainable. However, I’d be writing a fairytale if I neglected to mention the precautions one should take when traversing this endeavor.
Anyone pursuing a more robust role in their local dungeon needs to remember that anyone can open a dungeon because the only standard is one of money and resources. Before going headfirst into providing unpaid labor for strangers, it would be wise to thoroughly investigate the owners of the dungeon that you want to build/expand. I’m not talking about a background search; the most dangerous people are those who have no criminal record and yet, they get away with unethical practices. I highly recommend looking into how the owner treated anyone they’ve ever done business with at that dungeon.
When you give your time and labor to these people, you’re giving them a part of yourself that you can’t get back and they’re benefitting from a long-term investment in their favor. Any work/product you provide will remain theirs unless you have some safeguards against that scenario.
Make sure that whenever possible, you have a documented agreement between you and the dungeon owner when it comes to your work product (i.e. graphic designs, photoshoots, written content made in collaboration, etc.). I’ve seen too many people pour their heart and soul into a dungeon only to be banned for a petty grievance or minor disagreement that could have been easily worked out. If this doesn’t bother you in the least, there are two hard pills you need to swallow when proceeding with this endeavor to better protect yourself.
The first is the harsh reality that permeates the kink world from the vanilla world: cash is king. Above all else that you may contribute to a dungeon, absolutely nothing beats cold hard cash. The owner of a dungeon will always prioritize 1) the cash donor, 2) the consistent high spending VIP, and 3) the regular that brings in more people.
You could spend thousands of hours in labor for a dungeon – the average owner doesn’t translate that contribution into money that they need to keep the place open and operating. What this means is if either of these 3 people want you gone, they can and do use their leverage successfully and you lose all equity.
The second hard pill to swallow is the universal apathy of kink community members. When you are inevitably written off (for issues not related to consent violations) despite your lasting contributions, it’s likely that very few people will care when you’re gone.
Unless you live in an area that has multiple dungeons, your “friends” will not admonish the unethical dungeon owner at the expense of their own enjoyment of the facilities. Enjoy the rush while it lasts, once you’re out of sight of the owner’s good graces, you’re out of the mind of all who enjoy the benefits of your contributions.
If you’re going to invest in the future of a dungeon (relying heavily on the mental health of the owner), you need to assess the risks and protect your interests appropriately. On a more positive note, even if the worst happens, you do still have a portfolio to show for it all. You know, in the instance in which you think that the outcome will be different when you decide to work with another dungeon.
By Aurelia Caesaris
Aurelia has 8 years of experience in the BDSM lifestyle and her local community. She's primarily a service sub but has worked as a pro-Domme. About 7 years of her experience has been dedicated to serving in multiple roles in her community including dungeon monitoring, organizing events, advisory, promoting, and podcast production. Her volunteer experience has resulted in the establishment of a commercial dungeon, the expansion of a private dungeon, and the rekindling of a large, successful group. Aurelia focuses on the topics of vetting, community dynamics, organizing, security, and ethical management of alternative lifestyle spaces. She's passionate about informing lifestyle newcomers and raising awareness of unethical practices in lifestyle community management.
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