If you read my previous article, BDSM Protocols: Part 1 – Introduction [click here to read], then you may be fired up to create your own list of rules that govern the behavior of a submissive. The first article gives you some history, a few broad definitions, and talks about protocol levels.
In this article I’m going to walk you through the process of discovering your own protocols. This is something that should ideally be done with your partner and be an opportunity for you to talk about what you want your BDSM relationship to be like.
A kinky relationship with the right protocols set up will do two very important things.
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For the submissive, protocols will always put them in the right mindset. Submissives will have a set of rules that, in the right circumstances, they will have to keep track of and perform. It will be a constant reminder of their role. I know that when I was submissive, even a handful of protocols were a powerful way to lock me into feeling and acting like a submissive. It was the key to making the BDSM relationship legitimate in my mind.
As a dominant, protocols will be a tangible demonstration that you’re in charge and you’ll have certain things taken care of like magic. You’ll see your submissive focus on what protocols you’ve laid out and you’ll benefit from putting the submissive in the right head space. When I was dominant it helped me to take that power and run with it. Proper protocols made sure that my submissive always had me and my well-being on her mind. And I didn’t have to wonder what they were thinking, they were demonstrating their respect and dedication regularly.
The most fun I had, in either role, was when protocols were established, and they were humming along nicely. But realize that more protocols are not always better, and that protocols that are not enforced, or are not respected, will be dangerous to the trust and connection in your power exchange relationship. I’ll talk more about that in my next article.
For now, I’ll give you some ways to explore potential protocols with each other. We look at the discussion that will lead to a brainstormed list of potential protocols, how to narrow down that list to a handful of the very best, and how to keep the list vibrant.
Before I get started, it’s important for me to state that this is my take on discovering protocols, based on my 3 decades of experience in the scene as both a dominant and a submissive, research, and observation. But, it’s not commandments handed down on tablets to you. It’s perfectly okay if you or other people have divergent ideas here. Please take from this article everything that fits, and leave the rest.
Discovering Protocols Together
The most wonderful thing about protocols is that they can be crafted to help you create the BDSM relationship of your dreams. Protocols should be as unique as your relationship. Taking other people’s protocols and shoehorning them into yours won’t work. The more time and effort you put into finding your special protocols, the more effective and respected they will be.
Yes, when I play with someone the first time, I’ll give them some simple things to get us both on the same page. Things like, “Don’t look me in the eye,” and “Call me ‘Sir’,” quickly set the stage. But I’m not talking about protocols for one scene, what I’m detailing here is discovering protocols for a relationship. So, it’s going to cover a lot more terrain, and it’s going to mean more.
I suggest that you and your partner sit down when you have enough time to really get into this. Both of you should have some paper or a way to take notes. If you’re a dominant with a lot of experience then you’re going to have more input here, but it’s important that you listen to your submissive and get their ideas too. The more both parties are involved, the more successful this process will be, and the more likely your protocols will be followed and effective.
What’s next are some questions and things to consider to get the discussion going and hopefully brainstorm a bunch of great ideas.
Live the Fantasy
What I love about a BDSM relationship is that it’s so different and so much more fulfilling (to me) than a vanilla relationship. Protocols can be the little things that make it different. Put aside reality (kids, school, work, family, whatever… the real world) for a moment and just explore, with each other, what a kinky fantasy would be like for you.
Ask yourself:
- What are things that both of you would like to be part of your fantasy?
- What things would bring you closer together?
- What might make you communicate more?
- What crazy things have you never done that you’d love to do?
- What makes your submissive feel submissive?
- What makes your dominant feel more dominant?
- How can protocols help keep you both on track?
- What means the most to you in a relationship?
- How can you demonstrate what you mean to each other?
- What kind of things will keep your submissive in the right mindset?
- What are the things that are not kinky that mean a lot to you?
- What things will be exciting for you?
- Is there something that means a lot to the submissive, like pain, humiliation, discipline, or more, than can be addressed with a protocol?
You’re just brainstorming right now and creating a list of things in an ideal situation. If you’re already worrying about not having the time, or other limitations, then you’re getting ahead of yourself. Just put down the ideal stuff and realize that very few people get an opportunity to live the perfect relationship.
Practical Protocols
- What kind of protocols will help the submissive live a full life?
- Do you want to add protocols that reinforce good habits, like working out, eating right, getting enough sleep, etc.?
- Do you want to add responsibilities and obligations that are outside of your relationship?
- Are there protocols where the submissive can help support or comfort the dominant, physically, or mentally?
- Are there protocols where the dominant can get more input about the physical or mental well-being of the submissive?
- What kind of protocols will help maintain your home?
- What protocols can help with extracurricular activities?
- What kinds of protocols can be arranged when you eat or go out or socialize?
Protocols That Only Happen At Particular Times
- What are protocols that you could set up in the morning?
- What are protocols that you could set up before you go to bed?
- What are protocols that you could set up after work, or school, or some other extracurricular activity?
- What protocols could you set up around eating, bathing, sleeping, or other things that happen regularly?
- What about when you first see each other or when you leave?
- Are there certain things like laundry, or cleaning, or some other maintenance that needs to happen weekly, or monthly?
Kinky Protocols
- What sort of restrictions can you think of related to movement?
- What sort of restrictions can you think of regarding sitting on furniture or the bed?
- What sorts of restrictions can you think of regarding how you address the dominant? And in various situations (among family and friends, work, school, etc.)?
- What sorts of restrictions or requirements can you think of related to sex?
- What kinds of restrictions can you come up with for sight, speech, touch, etc.?
- What are the kinky things that the dominant likes most?
- What are the kinky things that the submissive likes most?
- What kind of things related to eating, going to the bathroom, going to sleep, etc. would you like to reinforce?
- What about slave positions, or how you would like the submissive to present themselves, or where would you like them to rest automatically?
- Are there certain items of clothing, toys, cuffs, collars, or other things you’d like a submissive to wear regularly, or at certain times? Do you want them clothed at all? Are there certain things you don’t want them to wear?
- What about restricting privacy for a submissive? Like closing doors or talking on the phone?
- What about things like inspections, maintenance spankings, confessions, punishments, rewards? How can those be rolled into protocols?
What Now?
I tried to come up with as many open-ended questions as I could on the subject, but I can guarantee you that I’ll double that list over the next few months. I’m sure you can come up with more questions too. If you do, please reply to this article below or contact me and I’ll add them to my own copy and ask that they be appended to this article.
If you’ve gone through all those questions and had a good discussion, and brainstormed a bit, then you’re going to have way too many protocols! That’s what I asked for, because I wanted you to see the possibilities, but now it’s time to get back to reality and choose a handful to start with.
I’m going to talk extensively about how to choose and implement your protocols in the next article, but I’ll say that less is always more with protocols.
When you establish a protocol it’s something the submissive will have to keep in mind, and it’s something that the dominant will have to monitor. That means that each protocol is extra work for both of you. And I’ll tell you, as someone who has been on both ends of this, submissives will take this shit very seriously, and they will be exceptionally disappointed when the dominant fails to notice or follow up on an established protocol.
As enticing as it is to have 144 protocols out of the gate, it’s so much better, and more realistic, to start with ten great protocols, and then build from there. What we want to do is find the best handful of protocols from your brainstorm list.
Winnowing the List Down
Get Real – Okay, you’re going to have a lot of things on your protocol list that are the sort of things that sound great when you write them down, but you either can’t or won’t be able to do them. Those can be eliminated quickly but hang on to them… you never know.
Living Arrangements – Some of the items will depend on the two of you living together or living apart. Get rid of any that don’t fit the current situation you’re in. For example, if you live together you don’t have to require a submissive to tell you when they are home, you know that already. If you live apart from each other, having a submissive ask to go to the bathroom is not practical or humane.
Too Much Commitment – Some of these protocols are going to sound sexy, but they are going to require a level of commitment from both of you that is not sustainable.
Personal Limits – If either of you have personal limits, or you just don’t like the sound of doing them, then wipe them off the list.
Family, Jobs, School, Church Conflicts – Again, I know that some of these things sound awesome, but you can’t do them because of who you live with (kids or parents), your job won’t allow them, or you have other obligations that are going to keep you from doing them.
Experience – Are one or both of you too inexperienced to pull off some of these protocols? Be realistic about the skill set that’s required to set up and maintain these protocols. If one or both of you are not ready, set it aside for now.
Safety – When you’re brainstorming protocols you’ll come up with all sorts of wild things. But now is the time to look at what you have and knock out any that are potentially dangerous. Like, leaving your submissive in a cage all day while you go to work might sound cool, but what if there was a fire, or someone broke into the house, or a tornado came through, or there was a medical emergency? Alien invasion? I don’t know. It’s never a good idea to lock someone up and leave them for extended periods of time. This is just one example. Always consider the worst scenario.
Your Favorites – Some of the protocols on the list are going to shine like the sun to one, or both of you. Obviously, grab those and put them on your To Do list. The protocols that you’re most excited about are probably going to be the best to keep anyway.
Connectors – Personally, my favorite protocols are things that bring me and my partner together. Things that force frequent or recurring communication have been very successful for me. As I said before, often I’m not living with my partner, and something like requiring the submissive to text me before she goes to sleep and immediately when she wakes, has helped me to stay connected, know where my submissive is, and kept each other in our thoughts.
Simplicity – Sometimes the protocols that are the most simple, are the best, particularly at the beginning. Some protocols, or the associated rituals, are a lot to start with. If you have something that’s going to take a lot of time or commitment, versus something that’s easy, maybe it’s best to take the easy win first. You can always add the complex to challenging protocols later.
Icky – The submissive is going to have some issues with some of the protocols. In fact, some protocols may open up a whole discussion about things you never imagined. Always listen to the submissive about these things and let them veto stuff that scares them or seems weird. There may be a much deeper reason they don’t like a particular protocol. Maybe you’re not close enough to them to know everything about their past, or their health, or their beliefs. Let it go for now.
Revisiting and Revising the List
As your BDSM relationship grows, so will your list of protocols. You’re going to want to add protocols over time, modify the ones you already have, and you’re going to want to get rid of some.
My advice is for both of you to be flexible when it comes to protocols. Some protocols will become foundational to your relationship and define your experience. Others will need to be modified to work correctly. And some will simply fail. It happens.
You’re going to insert a wrecking ball into your partnership if you hang on to a protocol that’s not working. Maybe the dominant is not watching for infractions or can’t keep up for some reason. Maybe the protocol is having the opposite effect than you intended. Maybe your situation has changed.
Weed out a bad protocol as quickly as possible. Don’t keep it around for pride or sentimentality. If it’s not working, it must go. I’ve been doing this for a while, so please heed my warning.
On the other hand, once you get a taste of how wonderful protocols can be, you’re going to want more. Both of you will. That’s why I said don’t throw away the original brainstorm list you came up with. You can always go back there.
I’d also suggest going over the questions again, to see if some new ideas surface. Just open up the whole discussion again and keep an open mind.
Maybe you catch a new protocol in a book, or a movie. Sometimes protocols can come to mind in a dream, or while you’re in a scene, or if you’re at a dungeon or BDSM event. Make sure you capture those ideas when you see them!
One thing that I want to touch on is the dominant introducing a protocol without a discussion. That can be really hot and can work brilliantly. But it can also spiral quickly out of control and damage your relationship. I think many of the basics (like how to refer to the dominant, or to not look the dominant in the eyes) are perfectly fine to set up without a discussion. But the more restrictive, the more complex, or the more unusual the protocol is, the more I would advise having a conversation about it before you lock it in.
Again, it’s a lot easier to add a protocol than to remove it. Make sure that any protocol you add is considerate and realistic.
I hope that you now have the tools to create a robust list of personal protocols that will thrill both partners, bring you closer together, and help you find the right mindset.
The next article will discuss how to implement new protocols, how to keep track of them, and how protocols are affected by different levels.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear your questions on how to discover more protocols, your experiences with protocols, and your feedback on what I wrote here. You can reply below or contact me through email. Let’s all learn together.
By Dirk Hooper
Dirk Hooper is a professional writer who has done work for many high-profile online magazines, has won the Top Writer Award at Quora for three years, and a Moore Award for copywriting in 2017. He published his first erotic BDSM book under a pen name in 2018. Hooper’s articles have been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently writing an erotic novel, a kinky comic book project, and a non-fiction book about social networking. Dirk Hooper has been a proud member of the BDSM community for over two decades and has been a BDSM mentor for over ten years.
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