Applying Protocols In BDSM

BDSM Protocols: Part 3 – Implementing Protocols

Before we get going on implanting protocols, I want to make sure you read the two previous articles I wrote on the subject.

In part one I looked at the definitions and origins of protocols, how they found their way from the military into the Old Guard BDSM players, what protocol levels are, and my own experiences with protocols. You can read the first part here: BDSM Protocols: Part 1 – Introduction [click here to read ->] 

In part two I discussed how to discover your own personal protocols. I touched on the collaborative process, time-specific protocols, choosing the best protocols, winnowing the list, and the importance of flexibility. You can read part two here: BDSM Protocols: Part 2 – Discovering Your Own Protocols [click here to read ->]

This article will discuss the good and bad of protocols, pitfalls, problematic protocols, positive protocols, how to implement new protocols, and some important things to consider before introducing something new.

But first, I want to open up the communication between you and me so that if you have questions about protocols or you have certain things you’d like me to cover, then please contact me in the comments below or through email.

Additionally, I want to thank the BDSM Training Academy for allowing me to write these articles and giving me this platform. And I want to encourage you to support more articles from me by supporting them. Thank you.

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The Double-Edged Sword

Sure, there’s spanking your partner’s ass, or being bound to a bed during a scene. There’s humiliation play, and aftercare, and servitude. Kinky play is wonderful! But there’s nothing that affirms your BDSM relationship more than having the bespoke foundational protocols that you’ve established with your partner.

It’s those protocols that will be the secret glue that you share only with your partner. Those protocols will bring a smile to your face as something happens, like magic, between the two of you. Protocols have the potential to make you feel like you are truly in a real BDSM relationship.

But protocols can also wreck a good relationship. There are many perils if you don’t implement these rules properly, or make too damn many rules, or you stick with a protocol that’s a poison pill.

Protocols can make or break a BDSM relationship.

I’m going to give you the information you need to implement protocols properly and detail some red flags so that protocols are a healthy and positive experience for both of you.

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Potential Protocol Pitfalls

On many occasions I’ve been in a situation where I’ve just met someone at a play party, or at an event, or I’m training a couple in how to conduct a scene, and I must establish some quick and easy protocols to get the submissive in the right state of mind, or to help keep them safe, or to gauge their submissive response.

I often tell a first-time submissive how to address me, I tell them to not look me in the eyes, I will give them some simple slave positions, I’ll make sure that we establish safewords and I’ll make it very clear that she needs to tell me if she’s having any distress, whether it’s physical or mental. So I wrap a few protocols into even quick scenes with women I may only play with once.

Telling a submissive to not look me in the eyes is one of the protocols that instantly digs into a submissive’s mind, because it knocks them out what we were taught when we were little kids… to look at someone when they are talking to you. It simply and rapidly establishes a dominant/submissive dynamic.

But, if you’re in a relationship then you need to give special consideration to every single long-term protocol that you establish.

There are many reasons why you don’t want to pile on too many protocols, at once, or even at all.

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Problematic Protocols

Not only do you have to worry about having too many protocols, but you need to consider the effects of certain protocols over an extended period of time. Something that might be fun or sexy for a few hours might be a nightmare over days or months.

For example, not allowing a submissive to use furniture might be fun for an evening, or a weekend, but that’s going to be a serious drain as a regular protocol.

You also don’t want to have a protocol that sets unreasonable expectations, or punishes a submissive for relatively nothing. Have a heart!

To give you an example of a protocol that might be unrealistic, or harmful, is when a submissive always needs to get permission to use the bathroom. Again, this is fun for a few hours or a limited period, but unless you both live and work at home, how is that submissive going to always get permission when they need it?

There are workarounds with this protocol, but that’s the sort of thing that needs to be discussed before implementing it. Sometimes, just a few tweaks are enough to make the protocol reasonable.

If a protocol is outrageous, gets the submissive in trouble all the time, or makes the submissive’s life miserable, then you need to modify it or drop it altogether.

Now look, I also realize that there are certain darker power exchange dynamics, or situations where both of you want to create a strict experience. I get that, totally, and I’m not telling you that’s wrong or you shouldn’t do it. Many people have fantasies about that sort of thing, including me.

Just realize that you’re playing with some very powerful aspects of BDSM when you set up a protocol that’s unfair, or unnecessarily punitive. And it’s going to be incumbent upon both parties to monitor how it affects the submissive. If you’re playing with unfair or overly punitive protocols, then you need to be on top of it and in touch with each other even more than usual.

A submissive who is really into their role will take protocols seriously. If you’ve never been submissive, you don’t understand the level of dedication and how serious it can. It’s a wonderful thing, but protocols, particularly unfair, overly active, or frequently punitive protocols, will break a good submissive’s spirit. You must be cautious.

And make sure that everyone is on board with a darker style of relationship. I’ll note that it’s not always the dominant who wants a darker dynamic, sometimes a submissive wants something darker and the dominant is not comfortable with that. Both people need to be on the same page. And both people need to take responsibility for going down that path.

I’ll also note that there are people who don’t understand or appreciate how powerful this sort of thing is, or who are just not good people. No matter what your role is, you must be responsible for your partner, and for yourself!

It’s easy to identify scrapes and bruises that need to be looked after, but mental stuff can be hidden, sometimes even to the person who is going through it. Watch out for each other and watch out for yourself. A good partner will understand and fix things if it’s not going right.

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Positive Protocols

Additionally, you should fight the urge to create protocols for every waking moment of a submissive’s life. Protocols should serve a higher purpose than merely exerting control over your partner. Try harder to make the protocol mean something.

Here are a few things that might elevate a protocol.

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Introducing Protocols

I talked briefly about setting up a few initial protocols with someone who I’m playing with for the first time. But in a relationship every single protocol takes on a greater importance.

In part two of this series, I gave you a wealth of questions for both partners to give you some ideas on what sort of protocols that would be interesting or special for both of you.

As someone who has been doing this for a while, I can say that I have a brief set of protocols that I set up right at the beginning. These protocols are things that I like or have served me well over the years. This opening package is rarely anything that’s radical or challenging for a submissive. They are simple rules that often bring us closer together, contribute to safety, or help a submissive get in the right mindset.

I don’t want to give you that list because what works for me is probably not relevant to you. But I’ll give you an example protocol to get an idea of what my basic package is.

Many of my submissives have lived apart from me. I want some connection that’s not available if you’re not living together, so I have my submissive text me before they get started with their day and right before they go to sleep at night.

What that does is put me on her mind first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It allows me to keep up with where she is and what’s going on with her. And it’s exceptionally easy to monitor. Either I get the text in the morning and the evening, or I don’t.

The bonus is that it fosters communication with us and never fails to bring our busy lives closer together.

It’s also a wide-open protocol. Every submissive partner I’ve been with had adult responsibilities that meant she might be getting ready for work or might have kids she’s dealing with in the evening. I didn’t require her to make a video or write a dissertation about her day. I just said text me before she started her day and before she went to sleep.

Sometimes that led to a longer conversation, and sometimes it was just a text. It fulfilled the protocol if she reached out to me at the right time, two times a day. If she was busy, she could still hit the mark easily. No matter what, it made us both feel more connected, and it reinforced our dominant/submissive dynamic, because it was a rule.

In addition to that initial package of my protocols (and it’s just a handful), we’ll implement a few protocols that are totally unique to the submissive. These are protocols that should enhance your unique relationship or things the submissive is into.

These protocols should be a few that you’ve unearthed through those questions in the last article. And they should be crafted to make the submissive feel special and your interactions different from anyone else. Be creative. Have fun. And choose wisely.

Once you get past the dominant’s initial package and the submissive’s creative protocols, then let things rest for a bit before you introduce anything else. See how the protocols you’ve established are working out.

You might need to tweak those or maybe drop one or two. That’s okay. It’s part of the process. Once again, I’ll ask you to be flexible and make decisions for the good of the relationship. You might have to let a protocol you love go from time to time. It’s better to let it go rather than ruin a good relationship.

When you’re ready to introduce a new protocol, here are some things to consider.

In this article, I looked at the dual nature of protocols, emphasizing their potential to both enhance and harm relationships. Then I discussed the importance of communication, flexibility, and understanding when implementing protocols. I also provided insights into potential pitfalls, such as having too many protocols or overly punitive ones.

Finally, I offered guidance on creating positive protocols that create opportunities to communicate more, drive respect for both players, and encourage personal growth and happiness.

Thoughtful and considerate implementation of protocols in BDSM relationships will help dominants and submissives enhance their dynamic (and fun!) instead of creating unnecessary stress or conflict.

In the next part of this series, I’ll tackle keeping track of protocols, rewards, punishments, and how to use levels to turn protocols on and off.

Dirk Hooper

By Dirk Hooper

Dirk Hooper is a professional writer who has done work for many high-profile online magazines, has won the Top Writer Award at Quora for three years, and a Moore Award for copywriting in 2017. He published his first erotic BDSM book under a pen name in 2018. Hooper’s articles have been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently writing an erotic novel, a kinky comic book project, and a non-fiction book about social networking. Dirk Hooper has been a proud member of the BDSM community for over two decades and has been a BDSM mentor for over ten years.

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