This world can feel very lonely when you first discover your kinks.
You look around at the people in your life and think, No one else could possibly understand this. If they saw what I think about, they’d leave. They’d hate me. They’d be disgusted.
Family, friends, partners, even strangers online may have made comments that cut deep. Maybe they called people like you “perverted,” “depraved,” or said kink is an “offensive lifestyle.” Maybe you’ve watched lovers pull away or become angry the moment you hinted at even a lighter kink.
After a few of those experiences, it’s easy to decide that keeping everything inside is safer. You try to lock it down. You try to be “normal.” You tell yourself you’ll just push it away and forget.
And yet… years later, the same desires are still there.
A lot of people in our world spend 10, 20, even 30 years trying to outrun their kinks. They change partners. They change jobs. They change countries. What they eventually learn is this:
Your kinks are not something you “grow out of.”
They are part of how you’re wired, and they keep calling you back.
If you’ve ever felt alone in your kinks, like you don’t belong anywhere, I want you to know this:
You are not the only one.
There are millions of kinksters around the world who have felt that same shame, same confusion, and same loneliness. Many of them have walked through it and built lives, relationships, and dynamics that honour who they are.
You may not see them yet. But they exist.
You are not broken for wanting what you want. You have been made to feel broken by people who didn’t understand it.
Today’s journal is about starting to take that power back.
Dom/sub Journal Exercises
Name the pain
Write out any past experiences where you were shamed or rejected because of your kinks.
This might include:
- Things family or friends said
- Partners who left, mocked you, or reacted with anger
- Messages you absorbed from religion, culture, or social media
- Moments where you shamed yourself for what you wanted
Be as honest and specific as you can. You’re not judging yourself here – you’re simply putting on paper what actually happened.
Reframe the story
Now, go back through what you wrote.
For each experience, write a few lines about why feeling desire for kink does not make you bad, broken, or less worthy of love.
You might ask yourself:
- What did that other person not understand about me?
- What fears or beliefs were they acting from?
- If I imagine someone I care about having these desires, would I judge them the way I’ve judged myself?
Your goal here is not to excuse harmful behaviour from others. It’s to stop carrying their judgment as if it were the truth about who you are.
Decide how you want to stand in yourself
Finally, write about how you want to carry yourself in the future when your kinks are involved.
- How do you want to think and speak about your desires to yourself?
- What kind of people do you want around you when it comes to your kink life?
- How would someone who accepts their kinks as part of them stand, speak, and move through the world?
You don’t have to become that person overnight. This is about choosing your direction.
If this exercise brings up a lot for you, go slowly. Take breaks. It’s okay to cry, to feel angry, or to feel relief. You are allowed to seek support – from a therapist, a trusted friend, a partner, or community spaces where kink is treated with respect.
You are not alone in this.
You have the right to know yourself and to build a life that can hold all of who you are.
By Paul Bishop
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 20 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 15 years.
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By reading and accepting this article you agree to all of the following: You understand that this is simply a set of opinions, personal experience and anecdotal evidence (and not advice). You are responsible for any use of the information in this article, and hold BDSMTrainingAcademy.com and all members and affiliates harmless in any claim or event.
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