As much fun as BDSM protocols are, they take dedication from both partners. Much of the value in protocols is that you have activities and rules that are going to be running in the submissive’s head and that’s a powerful way of reinforcing a submissive state of mind.
In part four of this series, I’ll be discussing some less enjoyable aspects, most of which will be the responsibility of the dominant to establish and oversee. These things will make or break your protocols. But as a dominant you need to know that missing these things has the potential to destroy your entire power exchange relationship. If you want to know how and why, then pay attention. I’ve learned some of this the hard way!
In this article I’ll tell you about why it’s important to keep watch on protocols, why submissives fail, keeping track of protocols, rewards, and punishments.
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This is part four of my series on protocols for the BDSM Training Academy. If you have missed any of the previous articles in the series you can find them in the links here:
Part 1 defines protocols and talks about the history. You’ll also learn about levels and my own experiences here: https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/bdsm-protocols-part-1-introduction/
Part 2 helps you create your own protocols: https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/bdsm-protocols-part-2-discovering-your-own-protocols/
Part 3 explores good and bad protocols and how to introduce them to your partner: https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/bdsm-protocols-part-3-implementing-protocols/
The Importance of Vigilance
This is the most important thing I’ve written about protocols in this series so far… if you’ve set up protocols and your submissive is skipping them, or worse, willingly defying them, and you’re not addressing that, then your BDSM relationship could be in jeopardy.
I’ve been on both sides of this. As a dominant I have had a good relationship slowly erode because established protocol infractions went unacknowledged or got softer and softer until they meant nothing.
As a submissive, I was highly aware of what protocols I broke. If I got away with a few lapsed protocols I tested others, and if those were also missed, then I began to wonder how dedicated my partner was to our dynamic.
Did you catch that? Many submissives will test you! They want to know if you’re paying attention. They want to know if you’re also serious about these protocols. And if they see a crack in the wall, they will chip at it to see if it’s just superficial, or if it’s structural. If they determine it’s structural, then you’re done.
A vanilla relationship may have equal standing, or might negotiate responsibilities, or be completely fancy free. But in a BDSM relationship you have the veil of power exchange. One person is in charge and the other person obeys. It’s a magical mindset that creates wonderful experiences, and so many possibilities between participants. However, it’s an illusion. And that illusion can be pierced forever if a submissive is breaking protocols and the dominant is not on top of it.
Reasons Why Submissives Fail Protocols
I want to discuss some of the reasons for protocol infractions before we start talking about tracking protocols and definitely before we talk about punishment. Sometimes failure suggests that something else is going on and creating friction in your relationship for the wrong reason is ill-advised. These are just a few examples of why your submissive might fail protocols. Keep an open mind and always go to the source to find out more.
1. They are testing you. As I mentioned earlier, submissives will absolutely fail a protocol because they want to see if you’re watching them. And you need to know that if they fail a protocol and you don’t catch it, or acknowledge it, then they will try again. If they blow through several stop signs and there are no repercussions, then your power exchange dynamic will falter.
2. You’ve set up an unreasonable protocol. There may be something about the construction of the protocol that’s not working. That’s why you must address it when it happens, or you’re setting up your submissive to fail and that’s no good for either of you.
3. Your submissive is a brat and wants attention. They are purposely pushing you to get a negative reaction out of you. They want to see how you react when you’re mad, or they want that style of interaction, and they are not getting it any other way. If you have a brat on your hands, then you should be structuring your play so they can have that push and pull in the right context. Protocols are not the place to create that dynamic. Either your submissive is submissive to you, or not. If you have to feed a brat dynamic, that’s fine, but it shouldn’t be through breaking protocols.
4. You have too many protocols, they are not defined well, or they are not important enough. It’s easy to fail protocols if you have too many or introduced too many at once. Maybe there is some confusion about what they are supposed to do, or when. Or maybe the protocol is just silly, and it doesn’t rise to the point where your submissive cares. If you have a series of failures, maybe it’s the protocol itself that needs to be studied.
5. You have much bigger problems. In every BDSM relationship that I’ve been in, when a submissive starts ignoring protocols it was signal of the end, or a warning that there were foundational problems with the relationship. If a submissive doesn’t care about you, then they are not going to go the extra mile to follow protocols. I can think of several occasions where a discussion about protocols was the beginning of the end. But it is better to have that discussion than get surprised with a breakup, or not have a chance to correct things.
6. Maybe it’s just an honest mistake. I don’t want you to think that submissives don’t ever miss protocols. They do (I sure did). And sometimes they miss them often. It may not be any of the things I mentioned above, and it might just be an honest mistake. But, if it happens a lot, you should look at things outside of your relationship too. Is the submissive not feeling well? Are they under stress from work, or family, or something else? Are they distracted for some reason? It’s up to you to both to talk about it and figure it out.
And all of this works the opposite direction as well. If you want to know why a dominant misses a protocol, or isn’t engaged like they should be, then it could be due to the exact same reasons above. Maybe a dominant is pulling away from the relationship, or they have created too many protocols to keep up with, or they structured the protocols wrong, or there might be an outside source of stress or distraction.
In a good BDSM relationship there are avenues and times for a submissive to talk frankly about concerns they have. And, even if it’s uncomfortable, those are the times where a submissive can probe about what’s going on with implementing and monitoring protocols.
Keeping Track of Protocols
If all of this seems like a lot of work… it certainly fucking is! That’s why I’ve said on many occasions in this series that you should try very hard to streamline your protocols and only choose the cream of the crop. The dominant has just as much to manage as the submissive, and it’s even more crucial.
For the dominant, I suggest having a place to keep track of infractions, especially if you don’t live together, or if it’s more serious and you want to consider what you’re going to do before you see each other again.
Also, the simpler and more elegant the protocol, the easier it is to monitor. If I have a submissive check in with me before she goes to sleep at night, compliance is very easy to track. Either she sends me a text message, or she doesn’t. If I wake up in the morning and I don’t get a text from the night before, there’s an infraction. I don’t need logbooks, cameras, or anything else to monitor the protocol. It’s possible that she dropped her phone in the toilet and couldn’t text, but that’s the sort of thing you can talk about when you discuss these things.
Rewards for Following Protocols
Before I get into punishment, let’s explore something more positive, rewarding a submissive for following protocols.
If your submissive is following protocols regularly and things are going well, then don’t take that for granted. It can be its own reward to have a functioning set of protocols. The submissive has tangible actions to focus on and the dominant can see and experience positive results.
But following protocols can be challenging, and nerve-wracking, and tiring, to a submissive, particularly over time. Protocols are running in a submissive’s head constantly. They are an omnipresent “buzz.” That’s a good thing mostly, but it can be bad if a submissive thinks that you don’t appreciate them.
Here are a few suggestions related specifically to protocols.
- Praise: A simple, “Good girl,” or “Good boy,” will go a long way to indicating that you saw what they did and appreciate it. Some submissives will do anything to hear those words. Don’t be stingy with them.
- Public Acknowledgement: Most people keep their BDSM relationship private, but if you’re part of the larger BDSM community, say… on Fetlife, or social media, or attend BDSM gatherings, then telling everyone how good your submissive is will be a huge boost!
- Small Gifts: Again, functional protocols are their own reward, but a small gift to show appreciation is always a win for both of you. The gift is even better if it’s tailored to something that is meaningful to the submissive, like something they collect, or something that’s related to your relationship, or something intensely personal. Since this is a BDSM relationship, this might be a good opportunity to give them a kinky gift or an adult toy to play with.
- Time Together: I know, as a submissive, that what I cherished the most, was time with the dominant. To be a real reward though, it should be extra time, or time in a special place, or something like an event, a party, or a celebration of some sort.
- Extra Training: You should be training a submissive in all things BDSM, but what about things outside of your dynamic? A class in something that could enhance your relationship would be a valuable reward. Classes for home maintenance and improvement, cooking and kitchen skills, financial and legal management, gardening, first aid, massage, and tech skills are all ideas that could improve things for both of you. You could take the classes together too.
- Special Privileges: I don’t think rewards for following protocols should be to remove protocols, but you could certainly give your submissive some special privileges. This is going to be specific to your sub and your dynamic, but most submissives will make it clear what they enjoy the most. I had one submissive who loved to be flogged as a reward. I was more than happy to give that to her when she had been good.
Punishments for Failing Protocols
Something you need to know about me is that when I’m in charge I hate giving out punishments. I’m not going to tell you how to approach this but let me give you my state of mind about these things.
Your submissive agrees to submit to you. This is a personal choice, and it can be revoked at any time. Yes, I know about consensual non-consent, and other dynamics, but the reality is that those things are also a choice and can also be revoked. So, you are both in this dance together, by choice.
If a submissive makes a mistake it’s one thing, but if it’s willful, or it occurs often, then something is wrong. The protocol is not right, or submissive is being challenged for some reason, or they are actively acting out.
It’s also possible that the dominant didn’t lay this out right, or they missed something, or communication is bad, or other unsavory things.
I think if a submissive is failing a protocol regularly then some of the blame is also on the dominant. I might be alone on that, but I’m telling you my own feelings. I’ll delve more into punishment in a more complete post, but that’s the mindset that shadows my thoughts on punishment.
I think the punishment should fit the crime. And it should be mitigated by the level of infraction and how often it’s happening.
For example, my foundational protocol of not looking me in the eyes is something that is almost always broken, in a playful way, the first time I scene with a new submissive. And they will always unconsciously do it time and time again because it’s just natural to look at people, particularly people who you are close to, or in love with.
What do I do when I catch that sub look me in the eyes (and they always do)? I admonish them for looking me in the eyes and pop them on the ass lightly. It often gets a smile from the submissive. I usually smile too, and that sets the tone.
Looking me in the eyes is not a big infraction. And it’s really hard to NOT DO, especially at the beginning. So, I want to point out that my tone is light, the punishment is light, and I make sure that the submissive knows that they are not a bad person because they missed it. Also, it’s a quick reinforcement of the rule. Look me in the eyes and get an immediate response.
That example has some things I want you to consider when you’re figuring out how to punish someone for a protocol infraction.
1. How big a deal is it? Don’t overreact to something that’s a minor mistake.
2. How often does it happen? Is this the first time, or does it occur all the time?
3. Is it willful? People make mistakes. If it’s an honest mistake, then that’s a whole world of difference from someone who is doing it on purpose.
I also want to make a special note about setting the correct tone. You should be careful when you correct a submissive. They will likely take your punishment much more seriously than you intend no matter what you do. A good submissive wants to please you. If you’re punishing your submissive then by its very nature, it means that they have not pleased you. So, if they are sensitive then they will already feel bad.
Some infractions can be resolved on the spot, when it happens. But if it’s happening a lot, or it’s willful, then you should take some time and make sure that you come up with a punishment that fits and will hopefully be effective.
Again, this is not a comprehensive list, or a full treatise on punishment, but here are some examples of what you can do, based on how serious the infraction is.
Severe Punishment
I think if you get to this point there’s something that goes far beyond either innocently missing a protocol or playfully misbehaving. You have a serious issue that needs to be addressed.
You need to sit down and talk about protocols, what this means to both of you, and your overall relationship.
With that said, here are a few punishments for severe infractions.
- Time Apart – I can’t think of anything more devastating to a submissive than to be separated from a dominant. But maybe some time to reflect on what the relationship means to them is a good step.
- Endurance Trials – If you have a submissive who reacts well to physical challenges, then having them go through an exercise gauntlet, like an Ironman Triathlon, is a suitable punishment. If physically capable of such physically strenuous activity. Always consult a physician before proposing something like this.
- Remove a Vice – Does your submissive go crazy for a blended iced brown sugar oat milk shaken espresso every morning? Take that away from them for a month or two.
I have a few more thoughts on laying out punishment. You must be tough but compassionate. I’ll say again that it’s very likely that your submissive will take the act of being punished much more to heart than you intend. Be aware of that and watch out for it.
Also, once you’ve detailed what they are being punished for and the punishment is fulfilled, then show your submissive that it’s over and move on. Let the submissive acknowledge their mistake, do their punishment and then know that you’ve forgiven them.
I have a lot more thoughts on punishment. I’ll write an article on that soon.
Conclusion
BDSM protocols require dedication from both the dominant and the submissive, as they help maintain a submissive mindset and reinforce power dynamics. However, successful protocols rely heavily on the dominant’s vigilance. If protocols are ignored or inconsistently enforced, the relationship may erode. Submissives often test boundaries to assess the dominant’s commitment, and repeated failures to address infractions can lead to a breakdown of trust and structure.
Common reasons for protocol failure include unreasonable expectations, lack of clarity, bratty behavior, or deeper relationship issues. To ensure compliance, dominants should establish clear communication, use tracking methods, and recognize when external stressors might be affecting adherence. Maintaining protocols requires effort from both partners, but the payoff is a fulfilling and structured dynamic.
BDSM protocols thrive on mutual commitment, clear expectations, and consistent reinforcement. While enforcing rules can be challenging, both partners benefit when it’s done right.
Rewards for compliance, such as praise and special privileges, can strengthen the bond, while thoughtful and proportional punishments ensure accountability. At its core, a well-maintained protocol system fosters trust, deepens the connection between dominant and submissive, and enhances the overall BDSM experience. By prioritizing communication, respect, and adaptability, couples can create a dynamic that is both sustainable and rewarding.
My next article in this series will give you a broad list of protocol ideas to choose from!
If you have any questions about protocols, or suggestions for future BDSM articles, then please contact us here or leave your question in the comments section below.
By Dirk Hooper
Dirk Hooper is a professional writer who has done work for many high-profile online magazines, has won the Top Writer Award at Quora for three years, and a Moore Award for copywriting in 2017. He published his first erotic BDSM book under a pen name in 2018. Hooper’s articles have been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently writing an erotic novel, a kinky comic book project, and a non-fiction book about social networking. Dirk Hooper has been a proud member of the BDSM community for over two decades and has been a BDSM mentor for over ten years.
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