Isn’t it amazing when you finally understand and discover your identity in the world of BDSM. Perhaps you’ve discovered you’re a Switch, a Brat tamer or a rope bunny? The list is pretty endless after all, and its super exciting and liberating! So how does this coincide with seeking a new dynamic?
Well, being confident with our sexual identity is often what makes us ready to take that next leap in finding our compatible partner in the first place, whether that be a plutonic D/s dynamic or a relationship. But remember that word folks – compatible. That is what ultimately will play key in us finding a fulfilling relationship, complete with healthy boundaries, trust and a whole world of safe, consensual and thrilling play. It’s important to note, that having said this, in all the excitement of searching for that partner once discovering ourselves, we can often miss the Red Flags.
Which then often means you’re ready to head towards the next step in finding a Dom or Sub to begin a dynamic with – a very thrilling prospect of a time indeed. Although, in all the excitement, we can sometimes lose focus on the compatibility factor. Or we may even run into red flags without realising.
Allow me to explain further…
Help others to spot those Red Flags by sharing
Many of us who find we belong in the world of BDSM often grow up feeling a little out of place with the usual vanilla paths of sex and intimacy. So to finally discover who we are, and what we want sexually is a huge step, often filled with relief that we can finally put a name and identity to that more private side of who we are. This is a highly rewarding part of our lives and usually many of us are ready to explore and find someone to play and share this with.
However, whether you want to get into a BDSM relationship romantically or platonically, the importance of finding the right person is still paramount. For example, just because you may potentially meet a person who is a Dom, doesn’t mean you should necessarily be their sub.
The spectrum of what kind of Dom’s and Subs there are is huge! We aren’t always aware of who might potentially suit us, because everyone still has kink preferences and their own personalities after all. So read ahead to see what we need to do before we begin our search for the ideal BDSM partner…
First, have you established your chosen honorific and which type(s) of Dom or Sub you are? Perhaps you’re a mix of quite a few of the options in the following list. Having multiple kink identities is extremely common and fun! It can entirely depend or be based around your dynamic, relationship, mood or fetishes.
For example – I have always identified as a ‘Damsel in Distress’. On a regular basis I’m in the headspace of a helpless princess, clad in ropes and completely at the mercy of my villainous dominant. However, me and my Dom are also hugely into pet play, so sometimes I find myself also in the headspace of Kitten and he is my Master. In fact there are even times
when my Switch Dominant enjoys me being in control too, and our identities swap again in that moment. Its super fun, because it’s who we are as a pair!
Many couples also enjoy choosing permanent honorifics for each other for their day to day life both during and between play. What will yours be? Sir and Puppy? Master and Princess? Deciding this together is such a beautiful beginning to any dynamic or relationship.
For the moment – let’s get back to you as an individual.
This list below may help you figure out who you are or could be? It’s important to understand who you are before you begin the hunt for a partner to play with.
Some Different Types of Submissive’s and Terminologies:
Service Sub
A Submissive who delights in performing services for their Dominant, not one to break the rules.
Slave
A Submissive who is quite literally a devoted slave both sexually and none-sexually, usually someone who enjoys chastity too and perhaps the D/s 24/7 lifestyle.
Brat
A real feisty rule breaker, who enjoys being tamed and disciplined.
Lifestyle
A submissive who lives and breathes their Submission as quite literally a way of life on a constant basis.
Damsel in distress
A term not used enough, but best describes Submissives who quite simply love to play the helpless captive that has to bow down to their dominant. Complete bondage and roleplay lovers!
Rope Bunny
A submissive who is very much devoted to the bondage and Shibari side of submission.
Bedroom Sub
Another great example of a submissive, but one who purely likes to keep it in the bedroom and doesn’t often engage in it by any other means.
Pet/Kitten/Puppy
A submissive who enjoys incorporating Pet Play into their D/s relationship.
Primal Prey
A very animalistic submissive, often one who enjoys CNC and other explorations of being completely taken over by their Dominant.
Some different types of Dominants and terminology’s:
Dom/Domme/Dominatrix
Just like simply using the term ‘Submissive’ this is much the same, a description of someone who is a real ‘all-rounder’ when it comes to being dominant, with no hard preferences, but merely a passion to dominate and explore with their Sub.
Dominant Rigger
A Dom who is particularly passionate and skilled in the art of bondage and Shibari.
Primal
Just like with ‘primal prey’ this best describes a Dominant who is very animalistic in their dominance and takes real ownership of their consenting ‘prey’.
Sir/Mistress
Great honorifics, often best describing Dominants who are very strict with a specific set of rules especially tailored to their submissive.
Mentor
The type of Dominant who enjoys training, taming and guiding a Submissive to their full potential, often someone who has multiple subs.
Daddy/Mommy
Simply used as preference when it comes to honorifics, or often meaning a Dominant who enjoys playing the Caregiver role to their little, often associating their play with DDLG/DDLB/MDLG/MDLB
Master
A fantastic honorific, most commonly used with those who enjoy the TPE (Total Power Exchange) and slave or Pet play aspects of a D/s relationship.
White knight Dom
Not the most common of terms used, but often pairs nicely with a Damsel in Distress submissive. Though it may not always mean they want to play the good guy! If you’re a roleplay loving Dominant who enjoys to see a sub in need of rescuing or even capturing, this is for you.
Switch
The best of both worlds. An individual who enjoys exploring both Dominance and Submission!
If you still don’t recognise any of the variations above or fully understand them, it’s best to go back and research further into self-discovery before taking the next steps on your BDSM journey, and guess what? That’s perfectly ok! Rome wasn’t built in a day and good things take time, especially if you want to do them safely and consensually. You’ll hear me say that a few times.
It’s always best to once again keep in mind these are a range of different styles of being both Submissive and Dominant, as well as different honorifics we may like to be referred to as. It’s best to understand what you want to be known as and what you best identify as before you proceed with anyone into the world of kink. In fact as mentioned previously, you can be quite a mix of Dom or Sub!
There are no rules when it comes to your own kink personality, its part of who you are after all. So please note this brief list above is not limited to what is simply listed – however you choose to identify yourself is completely up to you, and it’s merely a basic guide of some of the most common known variations of Dom or Sub. For example, you could have read that list and thought it didn’t mention masochistic Doms? Again, it was merely a handful of options that the BDSM world has to offer, so don’t worry if you can’t see yourself up there!
Now, once you’ve taken some time to really get to know yourself in the world or kink, it’s time you refer to the second list below. This is all part of the process of keeping yourself safe, happy and on the best path to finding your way to your ideal BDSM partner.
Your personal check list before seeking out a Dominant/Submissive or Switch:
Assure you know your own identity.
What are your soft and hard limits?
What are your boundaries?
Know and understand what your personal needs within a relationship are.
Are you looking for a plutonic dynamic or something that could become long term, or a romantic relationship with your BDSM partner?
Do you have at least one trusted friend you can share important details with when you finally go to meet your Dom or Sub for the first time? (Such as addresses and contact information for safety)
If you see yourself as a Dom, do you intend to have multiple Submissive’s someday?
Understand any past trauma’s and potential triggers.
Now let’s talk the importance of compatibility
Often when it comes to compatibility in the D/s world, we see quite a lot of “typical” pairings, and this is of course a good thing. For example Brats and Brat Tamers or Littles and caregivers. So don’t be shy to have a think about what type of Dom or Sub may be best suited to you. More often than not, the person who is compatibly opposite to your own identity can often end up being your ideal partner.
Although what’s secondly most important is also kink compatibility and sharing all that vital information such as limits, trauma triggers, what you’d like to explore, your levels of experience and so on. Remember – honesty is the best policy. So long as you are both happy and making the choices together, you’ll already be on the right path to a healthy dynamic.
Never feel you have to lie about your experience in this field, the second we lie or exaggerate is the second we have already put ourselves in potential danger. If a person doesn’t want you due to lack of experience or reputation, then that is quite simply their loss. Move onto someone else who is a better match for you, who is willing to be a gentle guide or someone who wants to learn physically and emotionally together.
We all begin somewhere and it’s vital we explore kink safely and consensually at all times. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to kink or the fact you may still be learning so much about BDSM.
The kink orientated world of dominance and submission should be one of the safest environments you ever experience, full of open mindedness, zero judgment and maximum understanding. If you ever find yourself in a situation that doesn’t have any of those things? It’s time to get out!
Allow me to share a short story regarding when I first ventured out into the BDSM community to find myself a Dominant. I was a little younger than I am now, still learning, but with enough knowledge about what I liked and who I was. I joined a couple of online
communities, and a Dom approached me to talk through private messages, to see if I’d like to potentially be their submissive.
Obviously to begin with we swapped a lot of the basic information upon getting to know each other, and things appeared to be going fairly well. They were polite enough at least to begin with, and I could see they’d had Submissive partners before me.
However; a little further into the conversation I expressed that I was a Brat with huge bondage kinks. Immediately he shot me down and said “Well I don’t deal with brats, you’ll be a service a sub because that’s what I like.” I replied by saying “I don’t think we are compatible then, but thank you for your time and best of luck finding someone else.”
A day later he messaged again: “I think we should still meet up, being a submissive is about what I want, and you’d want to please your Dominant wouldn’t you?” This was a major Red Flag if ever I saw one.
He was persisting to message me, trying to make me feel like I’d regret not choosing to meet with him. He was clearly desperate for a submissive and attempting to gaslight me about who I should be.
Never, ever under any circumstances allow yourself to feel “bad” about “letting down” a potential Dom or Sub partner, because in allowing ourselves to please others with nothing in return, is simply disastrous in the world of sex and intimacy, let alone BDSM. Nothing good will come of it for you.
More to the point; any Dominant or submissive who attempts to guilt trip you, gaslight you, or speak to you in a bullying manner is NOT a true Dom or Submissive at all. Being submissive is not about “people pleasing” – it should always be a two way line of pleasure and communication.
A common misconception in or outside of kink, is that Submissive’s have “no control.” WRONG!
A Submissive actually has full control. They have the power to say “No”, they have the power to choose their limits, call the safe word and only explore within their comfort zone. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise. Submissive’s hold a lot of power and bravery in giving their partner their vulnerability and submission. When done correctly, a real D/s relationship is a truly beautiful thing to behold.
In my humble opinion, I actually believe those in BDSM relationships often have a stronger and deeper, more trusting connection than those in vanilla relationships.
So remind yourself just how incredible this type of relationship is, to give that amount of trust to another human being is truly wonderful, liberating and highly rewarding. I believe in these relationships we find true freedom within someone else and ourselves; freedom to be who we are unapologetically.
Trusting the wrong person can be mentally and physically damaging to not only yourself as an individual, but also to your BDSM journey.So let’s take a closer look at many of the most popular Red Flags to be aware and cautious of.
RED FLAGS
Whilst that’s a list of some major red flags to look out for, it’s also important to remember to always use your own instincts too. If something doesn’t feel right, then trust yourself. Fake Dom’s and subs are around every corner – some people unfortunately use “BDSM” as a mask to bully others in the bedroom. They set out thinking they can use certain aspects of it to manipulate others into being used, controlled, bullied or even abused. Fake Dom’s are skilled at taking the less experienced Submissive’s and feeding them false information on what that type of relationship should consist of.
In recent years thanks to certain films and books, we now have to contend with BDSM being arguably a little more “main stream” than it used to be. By this I mean, you can often now walk into a lingerie shop and buy some silky pink rope or fluffy handcuffs. This is of course not a representation of real BDSM or its accessories, and it’s merely a very, very small token of what it may represent to a vanilla person having a little ‘kink’ inspired fun.
This is also where fake Dom’s and Subs can appear from. They merely like the “idea” of BDSM or what they think it is, due to what they’ve seen in mainstream media. Therefore; this then breeds “imposters” in the world of kink, and people can often be very good and convincing towards others that they’re a “Dom or Sub”. When in actual fact, they’re just people who want to take advantage of kink to just to try or “dip their toe” into our world for their own gain and ego.
Beware of imposters, as they’re quite literally inexperienced and unknowledgeable about the BDSM world, and often it will result in bad consequences for a person who truly identities with kink. Quite simply because they do not take BDSM seriously in the ways it needs to be.
To conclude, when searching for your ideal partner always keep your wits about you, don’t sell yourself, have self-respect and never be afraid to ask as many questions as you like – with open honestly all round. Failure to neglect any of these key aspects could result in bad experiences or even worse.
Communication is vital, and it’s impossible to say ‘too much’ to your potential Dom or Sub partner. The right person will be all ears about your likes, dislikes, experience, traumas, kinks, fetishes and everything in between!
Lastly, don’t be afraid if your first encounter with a Dominant or Submissive doesn’t go as you’d initially pictured it. As with any relationship in life, whether it’s romantic or plutonic, it sometimes takes us a while to find the right person to share ourselves with. The important thing to stress in this particular guide, is that even if the first person isn’t the right person, it’s about keeping yourself safe and being aware of the possible harm that could come from not being sensible with your decisions. Mistakes are made, and I’ve not always had the best experiences myself.
However, that’s why with this article I hope and aim to share the best advice I can to everyone in this community, who is on their quest to finding their perfect kink partner. When done correctly and consensually, D/s relationships are one of the world’s truest forms of deep connection you’ll ever experience and it’s a pleasure and privilege to be a part of it. Keep each other safe, no matter how long it takes and have a little patience. There is someone for everyone.
By Princess Distress
Princess Distress has been in the BDSM lifestyle for over a decade, and is in a loving, long term relationship with her Dom. She serves and identifies as a Brat, but due to her explorative lifestyle with her Dom, she also refers to herself as a Damsel in Distress, a Kitten and a little. Her biggest lifelong passion is bondage, with a huge love for all kinds of restraints and gags. Although being very much a submissive by heart, Princess Distress is also a happy switch within her relationship. Princess Distress always aims to support, encourage and educate wherever possible within the realms of BDSM. She strives to help people become more open minded, safe and happy with their kinks, believing everyone deserves to embrace and enjoy who they are, both individually or as a couple.
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