Being a Good slave

How to Serve Your Dom and Yourself

Before I begin, I want to send a huge thank you out to my slave, without whom this would not have been possible for me to write. I know the Dom side of things with her very well, and I know how to be a good Dom, but much of what we’re going to talk about today is far more focused on what it takes to be a good slave. Her input in this piece is invaluable and I hope that it helps both slaves and Masters/Mistresses/Owners better understand what goes into being a good slave.

The Basics

When I initially sat down to write this, I had this shining idea of what made a “good slave” because I knew what made my slave a good one for me. As I started in on the first draft I began to realize that my viewpoint wasn’t the only one needed to create an accurate idea of what makes a good slave. I scrapped everything and sat down with my slave to get a better idea of what she feels makes a good slave so we could provide the most accurate portrayal possible.

We started with a list that we could apply to as many different Master/slave dynamics as possible and then expand on these throughout the article:

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Obedience

We’re starting with Obedience simply because that’s what most people associate with a good slave. Of course, a good slave is going to be obedient, but something that many people who are just learning about kink and BDSM may not know, is that they are not blindly obedient. The level and type of obedience that works for your dynamic may well be different from somebody else’s. That doesn’t make it better or worse, just different. Finding that balance for your dynamic is important.

When I talk about “blind obedience” I’m not just talking about avoiding things that you may not like or may not want to do. Even your Master will be tasked with things they do not wish to do either. It’s more about understanding your comfort level with your level of submission and obedience. You are gifting this submission to your Master, and you must remember that it is also a gift you can take away if you feel that you are being taken advantage of.

Yes, a good slave will obey – but it is the role of the Master to make sure the orders that are being given lie within your comfort zone, meet your safety threshold, and ultimately help you to better understand yourself – even when it’s something you do not want to do (like clean the bathroom).

Discipline

Whenever the word Discipline comes up in regard to BDSM, one will often jump to the idea of punishments. While a slave isn’t generally one to administer punishments, having the discipline to accept the agreed upon punishments and understand why those punishments exist in the first place. That’s in addition to having the self-discipline to follow through on the expectations of their Master.

An important aspect of self-discipline isn’t forcing yourself to complete a task when you know you really can’t, but knowing what you can and cannot do and informing your Master of that up front. One of the reasons I have punished my slave in the past wasn’t because she didn’t finish something she was asked to, but because she said she could finish it despite me repeatedly asking if she would be able to. Part of being a good slave is showing your Master that you are capable of being the best version of yourself possible, and that includes admitting when you cannot do something. My slave knows that she won’t be punished if she’s honest with me about what she is capable of.

Desire to Serve

This is probably one of the biggest ones to build a solid Master/slave dynamic. The desire to be of service is, as my slave says, the biggest drive she has to be the best possible slave she can be. The downside to having a strong desire to serve is putting everybody else’s needs before your own. My slave has definitely been going through this with our family when she goes out of her way to try and do all the things, even though she has been given specific instructions on the things that she is supposed to do, and to leave other tasks alone.

Not everybody has a natural desire to serve. That doesn’t mean they can’t be a good slave, but it’s far more likely that they will end up on the Dom or switch side of things if they find their way into the BDSM community at all. Being naturally submissive is genderless. If you have that deeply ingrained sense of service and submission, you’re going to feel that pull no matter what.

Suppose you are one of those people who is naturally submissive and possesses a strong desire to serve. In that case, you also have to be careful not be taken advantage of by inexperienced or predatory “Dominants.”

Willingness to Grow, Change, and Learn

One of the things we came across through our own dynamic was the idea of “Taking care of the property.” While that certainly means taking care of one’s body, it also means taking care of one’s mental health and maintaining an openness to make necessary changes, a willingness to grow, and a desire to learn. To that end, we both subscribe to the idea that everybody should have a therapist so there is a neutral third party who can add perspective to anything we have on our minds. We have each had our own therapists and we take the time to talk openly about things as often as we can.

It is often not easy to open one’s self to change of any kind, let alone the change that comes when allowing yourself to fully submit to another human and call them your Master (or whatever honorific you choose). As my slave has stated in the past, there can be some weird feelings of guilt around allowing yourself to submit to somebody. For her, feelings of guilt that came from being a raging feminist, but then wholly submitting herself to man. From my side, trying to be a good feminist male, I had feelings of guilt over wanting a dynamic with my partner that was very much Master/slave.

What helped us come to terms with our decision was the fact that it was our decision. I wasn’t forcing her into being my slave, and she made the choice to submit to me that fully. We don’t believe that this type of dynamic is for everybody: It’s not. But it’s right for us.

Inner Strength

It takes a monumental amount of inner strength to let go of all the things you were holding onto before stepping into a Master/slave dynamic. All the things you thought you had to be melt away and you become exactly who you are. It’s not an overnight change. It’s slow, it’s methodical, and it takes a ton of patience and understanding from your Dom as you move through all of it. You will backslide into old habits more than once. You may backslide into an old habit many years later and out of the blue. The important thing is not to let that discourage you. Tell your Dom and ask them for help if you need it. They are there to help you travel your path and find your best self.

Being naturally submissive doesn’t mean you lack inner strength. In fact, that desire to serve and submit takes a huge amount of inner strength to acknowledge and accept that aspect of yourself, let alone allow yourself to get on your knees to a Master.

Self-Aware

Being self-aware is a big ask for anybody. With so much information constantly being thrown at us, advertisers targeting us through our online behavior (I’m constantly getting ads for sex toys, lingerie, and BDSM equipment in my Facebook feed at this point), and the never-ending news cycle it’s easy to let the world tell us who we are and what we need. Trying to be self-aware with all this noise may feel like an impossible task, but it’s not.

A good slave is going to be there to help their Master with their own self-awareness, and a good Master is going to do the same for their slave.

Self-Respect

This is what will keep you from ending up in a toxic dynamic with a Dom who has no interest or forethought in who you are and simply want to control somebody for the sake of that control. Having self-respect means that you understand that you are a submissive, that you may be somebody’s slave, but that doesn’t mean that you are also a doormat for everybody. Your submission must be earned by your Dominant, however that looks for you.

Your dynamic may include degradation play, name-calling, slut shaming, and worse during intense scenes. It takes massive quantities of self-respect to come out of those situations without taking all those unpleasant words to heart. Self-respect is knowing that after such harsh treatment during a session, you deserve the best aftercare possible provided by your Master.

Knowing and Holding Your Boundaries

This is certainly part of having self-respect, but it’s also a part of self-awareness. I’ve separated it because of how important boundaries are. If you are self-aware and you have self-respect, then knowing and holding your boundaries isn’t going to be easy for you. If you’re a new submissive in the world of BDSM, then knowing yourself and your boundaries is vitally important.

Any good Dom who hears from a slave that they have no limits is immediately going to make a note of a possible red-flag. Everybody has boundaries. Everybody has a point at which something becomes too much for them and it needs to stop. Stating that you have no limits shows Doms that you don’t know yourself very well, and predators that you can be manipulated into doing things that you won’t enjoy and they can shrug their shoulders and say “Well, you said you didn’t have any limits.”

The same goes for any submissive who says they don’t need a safe word or any Dom who tries to convince a submissive that safe words are for those who aren’t really kinky.

So, if you think you don’t have limits, really think about what that means. You say “no limits” and then they take out piercing needles, but you have a phobia of needles and didn’t realize that kink could involve actual piercing. You say “no limits” but you’ve never had anal sex before and now somebody is forcing their way into you without proper preparation and causing damage. You say “no limits” but now they’ve taken out a scalpel and have started cutting…

Remember that what you think of as impossibly extreme, somebody else may see as just kinky. My slave and I are into play piercing and cutting and blood play, but we don’t expect anybody else to be into these things and we don’t judge anybody who is not. She also knows where her limits are and has communicated where the line in the sand is for our sessions.

Is it okay to push your boundaries? Of course, but on your terms and nobody else’s. You know where your comfort levels are and you know what boundaries can be pushed and what ones you will never want to push.

The Willingness to go 100/100

People talk about going 50/50 with your partner, but that doesn’t really work. How can you do 50% of caring for somebody? I better way to look at it that I came across at one point, and that we adopted, is the idea of 100/100.

I put my slave first 100% of the time and she puts me first 100% of the time. That way, we are both wholly dedicated to each other and growing our dynamic, our relationship, our love, and our trust. I split the housework between us in ways that make sense, not try and make it an even 50/50 split. I hate doing laundry, but my slave enjoys it, so she takes care of the laundry. She hates anything to do with dishes, so I’ve made it that I take care of the dishes.

Being a good slave means giving 100% to your Master and making certain that you put your Master first. On the flipside of that, your Master should be making certain to put you first 100% of the time as well. What that looks like from both of you will be different but should be complementary and not contradictory.

Sex

The role that sex plays in your dynamic is going to be very personal. For some, sex is the keystone of the Master/slave dynamic. For others, it may have hardly any role in the dynamic. Whatever the role of sex is in the dynamic, Master and slave need to be on the same page about it.

For some, there may be a Free Use agreement, meaning that blanket consent has been given by the slave to be sexually used by their Master at any time the Master desires (within agreed upon boundaries – like not in public).

Being free use doesn’t mean that blanket consent has been given for all activities, only the activities that have been agreed upon in the blanket consent conversation. If you have a boundary about being woken up with penetrative sex, then that’s a boundary that needs to be communicated to your Master and respected by them. Being a good slave is not taking part in activities you have said “no” to in the past because those make your Master happy.

Remember, you belong to your Master and you should be serving your Master in whatever way your Master needs you to serve. That doesn’t mean that you are allowed to be walked all over and treated poorly (outside of scenes and play time if you’re into that). It means that once you have reached that level of submission where you consider yourself a slave, if your Master asked you to lift your skirt and bend over the table at a family dinner so they could fuck you for everybody to see, you would do it without hesitation – while simultaneously knowing that’s a command they would never give because they respect you. However, were you at a play party or with a group of like-minded people, giving that same order might give you a thrill as they bend you over the table and take what belongs to them.

A Final Word

What makes you a good slave may not be the same as what somebody else a good slave. Your dynamic isn’t going to match somebody else’s, and it doesn’t have to. You’re not in competition with anybody to have “The Best Dynamic.” Your best dynamic is whatever you build with your Master. Being a good slave is listening to your Master, obeying your Master, challenging your Master when needed, and being of service in whatever ways your Master requires of you – whether that’s domestically or sexually or any other way.

You have made the choice to give yourself to your Master because it feels like the right thing to do. Let that feeling live inside you and let your heart and soul guide you.

Now be a good slave, go to your Master and kneel at their feet, and ask them how you can serve them today.