Dom/me Question: She Wants To Be Submissive, But Resists

Thank you for sending the information to me. But I am more dom than sub, while my partner is mainly a class A personality it’s difficult.

Could you share some tips on how to get my partner (female) to submit? She wants to but does not play sub very well.

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Master Bishop’s Opinion

When you’re already in a relationship with someone, and one person wants to try out BDSM, it can prove to be tricky. After all, if you want to dominate, then someone else needs to submit. And it’s not always so simple to split those tasks up. Not everyone is 100% dominant or submissive, so you need to negotiate in order to make things pleasurable for everyone involved.

First, it sounds like your partner is willing to give things a try, so that’s half the battle. The more willing people are to try, the more easily they can be trained. When they don’t want to try at all, well that is the end of the opportunity because Domination and submission is all about consent. From what you have told Me, your partner has consented and is willing to try.

But what do you do when someone is having a hard time being submissive? No matter what certain books and movies tell you about BDSM, a safe, sane, and consensual relationship is the right way to go. To create this situation, you need to be willing to sit down with each other and clearly outline what you expect and what you will give in return.

I always start with the conversation about what the submissive wants and then share my own desires.  Its also important to discuss what you both expect out of the new Dom/sub relationship you will be establishing.

I would encourage both of you to write out a few things:

• Your fantasies – Take some time to write out all of the things you want to have in your sex life. These can be as outlandish or as demure as you like, but write out what you want in explicit detail. You should write these fantasies out separate from each other, and you should focus on really thinking about what turns you on (or what you think will turn you on).
• Your desires – Make a list of all of the things you want to have done to you and what you want to do to your partner.
• Your limits – Make a list of all of the things you DO NOT want to do or have done to you. This can include things that you’d like to do in the future, but that you don’t want to right now.
• Your goals – If you have long-term goals of what you want to do in the coming year, you may also want to write these down.

It sounds so unsexy to write down what you want in the bedroom, and some people make the mistake of trying things out before having a clear conversation about their needs and desires. When you’re not clear about what you want, it’s hard to communicate it to someone else, and they’re not going to meet your needs and that’s where things get messy – and hard.

Once you have these lists, then sit down with each other and talk about what you are thinking about for your sex life. Ask questions if you don’t understand what the other person wants, and don’t judge what they ask for. Just listen. This is a time when you want to feel open to express everything, and when you feel heard, you will be able to move forward.

In your case, you might see that your partner is not willing to be submissive all the time. I imagine that they might be interested in trying it out, but that baby steps might be needed.

I could envision a training schedule that looks like:

• Asking for permission – You might have your partner start with some small task that requires them to ask you for permission. Perhaps it’s that they always have to ask you to open a door or go to the bathroom. While it might feel strange at first, you will give your partner the experience of not being the decision-maker outside of the bedroom.
• A certain time limit for submission – Once they have tried giving away their control, you might want to try being dominant in the bedroom for a certain period of time. In that time (and within your agreement about what you will and will not do), they need to play the submissive role.
• A time for them to be dominant – If your partner is just having troubles not being dominant, have them step into that role once in a while. Often, it’s clear they don’t want to be there, so they might start falling into the submissive role more easily. Or you may have to agree that sometimes you’re in charge and sometimes your partner is in charge. Read this article for more ways on How To Start A BDSM Scene

Now, this might not be what you learn your partner wants, and that’s fine. However if you want to be dominant, then these are ways you can create space for that sort of play, and still limit it.

Sometimes, people with Type A personalities are really excited about not being in control for a while, and they make the best submissives.

What you will probably find is that your partner is more open to these times of submission once they get used to what that means.

If your partner is still having a hard time submitting you might want to sit them down and talk to them about the conflicts and the emotions that surface while submitting. The reason they may have a hard time submitting despite their desire to submit can be found from a bit of supported self analysis. Some questions you can ask to stimulate the conversation:

Why do you want to submit? Why do you want to be submissive? What is it about being submissive that makes you happy?

When you are submitting and you feel yourself resisting what kinds of emotions do you feel? What actions or activities cause these emotions to surface? Why do you think you feel the way you do when these conflicting emotions arise?

Try to have an open conversation with her and don’t judge her for anything she says. Just give her a chance to be open and allow her the opportunity to realize why she might be having such an internal struggle.

It can also help to talk about how the submissive is truly the one who is in control. Remember, since the submissive does have free reign to stop the play at any time, they are the one who calls the shots in terms of limits. Remembering they have this power might help your partner realize that they aren’t completely bending to your will.

At the same time, you may want to talk about what you want from a submissive or the scene. This will help your partner understand why this satisfies you. Once they understand the way you think, they will be more likely to see how they can turn you on. They might be more willing to play the role and possibly even want to be in that role the more they see how it impacts you.

The more you play together and the more you try out what turns you on, the more, I believe, you will see your partner submit to you – or at least try to play the slave role to please you.

Sincerely,

Master Bishop

The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+

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