When *Life* changes. Master is the lighthouse in my storm
Change is good and necessary. It helps us to grow and learn and develop strengths and courage. But i must admit i do not respond to change very well. That is to say, i adjust but most often the adjustments take a couple of days. But sometimes these changes can feel more like a storm and you feel like you are lost at sea.
My Master always says “It is not what happens to us in our lives but how we respond to it” That is what makes us who we are. He is wise and far better at handling life’s little twists and turns than i am.
A prime example of this happened about a month ago. To be fair i knew that some of the changes were coming and frankly i don’t know how they managed to stay at bay for as long as they did but finally it all sort of barreled in like a huge ocean wave. The effect at times made me feel like i was being dragged out to sea further and further from the reality of the life i recognized to one that was so scary and dark and uncertain. i needed a life line and all i could feel was the water rushing and turning and there was nothing to grab onto.
Master was there on shore. He had His feet planted steady and strong in the sand so why couldn’t i reach Him. Why couldn’t He save me?
The simple answer was this…. i didn’t ask Him to save me…
All of my struggling, all my fears and anxiety i brought to myself because i wasn’t ready to say out loud all the things i was feeling. i had every excuse for not asking for help. For not communicating what i was feeling but each one was a failure of my own courage… a failure of my own strengths.
Finally Master could no longer bear to watch as i struggled to keep my head above water. He reached out and threw me a life raft. Actually He sort of hit me in the head with it…..
Indulge me as i explain how this all happen, perhaps it will help you to avoid some of my failures..and see how Master helped me recognize my feeling and then created ways for me to re-adjust and learn to swim even during a storm.
As i said this upheaval happen about a month ago. Finally after several years of complete stress and discontent, Master resigned his position at work. One afternoon He said “Enough” and He gave His notice. Master had shared with me that this was a very real possibility so i wasn’t surprised by his decision. i was however surprised by how it affected me.
Master is the primary, well actually the only financial provider in our household. My contributions are those of slave, servant, support, housekeeper, bookkeeper, etc. At Master’s instruction and desires for the past 8 years i am no longer working outside O/our home. Master handled all the income and financial responsibilities.
Now i was aware and prepared for the possibility of Master leaving His position. i Trusted Him and understood His decision and had complete faith that He would as He has always done, take care of U/us. i assured Him that i was fine with His decision, that i understood it, support it and that i was confident that W/we would be fine….
Well what i didn’t tell Him, what i didn’t realize myself, at the time, was that although i trusted Sir and believed in Him and U/us the other truth was i was scarred. For the first time in the 22 years we have been together i was scarred… Then i began to panic, i began to question my own truth. I firmly believed in all i said, i Trusted Master and had every confidence in Him so what did being scarred mean… what did that say about me. How could i trust and be scarred at the same time? i began to question my understanding of trust and it was breaking my heart to think that perhaps i was not being honest with Master. My focus began to change and my fears began to consume me.
The storm was just beginning. A few days after Master shared His news about resigning He took ill and was hospitalized for 3 days. The waves of fear had just grown larger and i was barely treading water…i needed Master’s strength but He needed mine more.. and my guilt over my fear and need was dragging me down into the cold murky waters.
But my determination to serve and be strong and to take care of Master’s needs was stronger so i put my fears aside and just kept swimming. i almost convinced myself that i was ok, so every time Master asked “How are you?” “Are you ok?” i answered based on what i believed to be true , “yes Sir” “i’m fine Sir”
Now let me share a secret with you.. If your Master asks if you are Ok, rest assured He already knows the answer… so when you reply “yes Sir” He is absolutely certain you are not being honest “””Just saying”””
Two days later there is a break in the storm. Turns out Sir’s condition was caused by two bleading ulcers but with medication, reduction of stress and dietary changes He will be good as new in no time. W/we are both relieved and happy to be getting back home. But this storm isn’t over yet.
Sir returns to work to finish His last two weeks and i am home going about my daily tasks and chores. Relieved that Master is getting back to full health but again still unfocused and completely off balance. i don’t even see the struggle or feel the waves any longer i am just moving through each day as if everything is “fine”… i am however beginning to hate that word… fine…
Fast forward two weeks and Master is home. He is relieved and happier than He has been in a very long time. i am still swimming but i feel like i am moving farther out to sea and i just can’t seem to figure out why. Choosing to ignore the feelings i just continue swimming on. Continue doing what i know, continue the routine… i get up, prepare breakfast for Sir and go about my daily task and chores and routine but somehow it’s not the same.
Something is just off…. There is still this fear and uneasiness and it is just lying there on the surface and i can’t seem to get past it. And as i am swimming along like everything is fine the storm is growing and the only one who is seeing it clearly is Master.. He sees me struggling as i move through my day as if i am caught is some sort of whirlpool full of energy and emotions and completely unfocused and unsure of where i am and where i should be facing. This is so unlike me and Master is growing increasingly concerned. By the third day home Master has seen Enough… He knows and has known for some time that i am not FINE and if i can’t see that than it is time for Him to light my way. So like the lighthouse in my storm He turns his beam directly toward me and says Here.. Here i am now it’s your choice but i strongly suggest you come toward me and get the hell out of this storm. Yes after 3 days of hearing me say “i’m fine Sir everything is good Sir” He hits me with the reality of my struggles.
After our evening ritual as i am kneeling in front of Him, Master says; “Do you realize that i have been home for three days now and I can honestly say that I cannot wait to go back to work” “I know you are not Fine.” “I watch you run around all day doing this and doing that but you don’t even see me” you act and treat me as if i am not even here” “I am feeling like I am in your way” “I feel like an inconvenience” “This is not My slave” “This is not the devoted, graceful, dutiful, obedient, loving slave i know” “This is not the strong confidant woman i love” “I have never seen you so unhinged” “and when you are not balanced I am not balanced.” “This is not acceptable”
In that moment i was crushed. i realized right then that i allowed myself to get lost in my own storm and let my own fears and insecurities come between me and the most important thing in my life. Master. i was ashamed. Master was right, i was not the slave He knew or deserved.
As the tears rolled down my face Master lifted my chin and gently said, “Why are you not FINE?”
That was the question that needed to be answered.
So i began, “i am for the first time frightened Sir.” i trust You with all my heart, honestly i do, so i am confused by my fear, but the truth is i have no idea what the plan is. What is the plan financially Sir?” Master looked at me and said… “I am sorry my slave, with all that has been happening I thought I discussed this with you” here is the plan……. “and slave don’t confuse fear with trust. “ It is normal and okay to be afraid of what we don’t know.”
Then i said, “Sir i miss the rituals, waking in the morning preparing you for work and myself for the day, and stopping all my activities at 4:00 in the afternoon to prepare for your return home. Getting on my knees in the kitchen when you return from work and our welcome home greeting” i have a daily schedule of tasks but we never discussed what i am to do regarding these chores and tasks now that You are home with me during the day.” “Sir i feel lost” “i am stumbling through, no longer that graceful confident slave You trained.” “Please Sir i need new directions”
With that Master said, so what you are telling me slave is that you are not FINE… and then he smiled.
Master, stood up reached down lifted me off me knees, took me in his arms and again apologized. I did not mean to leave you out in the dark slave and I forgot how important structure is for you. This was my failure not yours.
Then He released me, set me back and said “beginning today at 4:00 you are to stop whatever it is you are doing, find me, kneel before me and begin our welcome home ritual.” “Tonight we will revisit the rules, the schedule and the routines.” “Together we will get through this… and be stronger because of it.”
Once again, Master is my lighthouse, giving me hope and direction and helping me find my way back.
Look life happens and circumstances change so it is okay to be fearful. Everyone can gets lost in the storm. If you’re not fine then say so…. Try to understand and communicate what is creating the feelings of stress and fear and unrest within you. Ask your Master if you need to change something to regain your focus and balance. Let your Master know when you feel like you are lost. There is no shame when life challenges us.. As Master says – It is how we respond to those challenges that make us who we are. It is how we get through the storms that makes stronger.
And sometimes Masters need to see what you see when you are in the darkness of the storm. How else will He know how to light the way?