BDSM Question: I’m Afraid to Hurt Her

BDSM Question: I am in the position where I have a female partner who wants so much to be a sub and wants me to dominate her. I love her deeply and as I am afraid to hurt her, I know that if I do not dominate her, I will probably lose her as she is deeply into the sub role. We have had a few sessions that she has indicated she enjoyed and wants us to move in to the harder stuff, and this is where I seem to have a mental block. I want to tie her up and use pinwheels, nipple clamps, and a thrasher on her, but because of my feelings towards her I cannot seem to be able to bring myself to do this.

Anonymous

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Master Bishop’s Thoughts

Being afraid of hurting your partner is not an uncommon way to feel, especially when you’re first entering into BDSM. But the good news is that it sounds like you have a very trusting partner who believes that you will not hurt her. Otherwise, why should she ask you to take your relationship to this new level?

What you need to do right now, if you haven’t already, is to sit down and talk with her about what you are feeling. Some people don’t do this and end up creating a situation in which no one is happy. You need to tell her that you are afraid to hurt her, and that you might need some time to move up to the heavier stuff. When she hears this, chances are good that she will take things more slowly – benefiting everyone.

(And if she immediately breaks up with you because she doesn’t respect what your needs are, then it sounds like she wasn’t necessarily interested in you – just what you could do to her.)

Love is a beautiful thing and I wonder if your partner feels the same way about you. That’s something that should be discussed as you might also have a power dynamic that is going to cause her to top from the bottom – never the ideal situation. It’s like backseat driving.

Talk to her about what she feels is the right way to dominate her. You need to listen to her and then tell her what you think about it. If you can’t meet her needs, then you can’t. But if you want to keep her or you’re willing to try, then you might want to see if you can slowly take steps that will allow you to meet her needs. And who knows? You might end up enjoying it too.

It sounds to me that you are willing to give BDSM a go, but you need to keep things slow at first. That’s completely okay. That will allow you to grow into your role as a Dominant and it will allow you to become comfortable with giving pain to someone else. Remember that your partner asked you for more intense sensations, so she understands what this will mean.

And if you begin to dominate your partner and she finds that she does not like what you’re doing, then you can adjust your playtime sessions to be more enjoyable.

As with anything new, you may need to ease into what you’re doing. This might take weeks or even months to accomplish, depending on how you feel about BDSM as you practice it. In that time, you might find that you are a Dominant at heart, but if not, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not for everyone.

BDSM is not something that will appeal to everyone, and you should never feel forced into doing it in order to keep a relationship going. That’s manipulative and goes completely against the idea of BDSM being safe, sane, and consensual.

Regards,

Master Bishop

support@bdsmtrainingacademy.com

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2 thoughts on “BDSM Question: I’m Afraid to Hurt Her”

  1. Morten Nielsen

    Dear Mr. Bishop
    Regarding your article and answer to “I’m afraid” I have a single comment. I’ve been into BDSm for nearly 30 years and I have some experience regarding Dominance in relationships.
    My comment relates specifikly to Mr. Bishops talk about communication. It can be a tough nut to crack, but this is the way I do it and have done it with success many times.
    The first thing I do with a sub is to take orgasm control. I don’t forbid my sub to orgasm, but I put up a condition. She has to write down the fantasy she used to orgasm by. Next day I get a mail, I demand it very detailed, where she writes out her fantasies. It takes time, but eventually I get a very clear picture of what goes on in her mind, what turns her on and often, what does not. Then I can ask her about details, turn the fantasy, what if I did this instead of that etc. She will be heard and have a chance to tell all of her secrets, but in the end, I’m the one who decides what is going to happen or not.
    Hope this is helpfull and the very best wishes to the couple :-).
    Morten Z. Nielsen, Denmark

    1. Hi Morten,

      That is a great idea and thank you for sharing. I must admit, even I will have to add this one to My training. If you have any other ideas, please feel free to share them. I’m sure everybody would love to hear them, including myself.

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