While being a submissive might be all that you’ve ever wanted in your bedroom life, or perhaps in your entire life, that doesn’t mean there aren’t complicated feelings. After all, much of society tells us that it’s many of our desires are wrong, that being submissive is weak, the ideas we have are sick and that you should always be ‘in charge’ of your own decisions. To navigate these complex issues, you need to do some personal work so that you can not only be a great submissive for your Dominant, but so you can enjoy your choice.
“Being in a Dominant/submissive Relationship is Wrong”
The overculture is a tricky place. There are often mixed messages about what couples should do in their personal lives and what we as individual should do. And you’ve probably been told or you have inferred that being in a BDSM relationship is not right. This can make the desire to be a submissive challenging and confusing. After all, if you don’t follow through with what you want in your life, then you may not ever reach the happiness you desire – and deserve.
To tackle this societal message, you may want to stop and think about whether your relationship is hurting you, your partner or anyone else. Chances are, it’s not. What people do in their bedrooms (or dungeons) is their own business. You don’t have to make any apologies and you don’t have to feel as though you are wrong. You simply like what you like, and others like what they like. Not everyone has to agree, and you can feel confident in your own personal choices.
(And this reversal in thinking might help you limit the way you see others as wrong too. After all, if you want someone to give you their blessing to do what you want to do, then it’s only fair to do the same for others.)
“Being Submissive Means You’re Weak”
When you’re feeling the pull to be a submissive in a BDSM relationship, you might wonder if this means you’re a weak person. But this feeling is something that comes from the misunderstanding of non-BDSM practicing people. After all, for those who do not engage in dominance and submission, they might see this as a simple power play that requires one person to be weak and the other to be strong. But what they don’t realize is that there are a lot of conversations and discussions about what will happen – and what will not.
- The submissive needs to be very strong to communicate their desires and their limits. If they don’t do this, then they will not be able to have the safe and consensual experience they want to have. In addition, the submissive is the one that will need to speak up when things aren’t going the way they want them to be going during a scene. It’s a sign of strength to speak up and to state what you need or if you need the Dominant to stop what they are doing.
- At some point a submissive will let down their protective walls and allow themselves to be vulnerable for their Dominant. This in no way is an easy task. It takes a huge amount of strength and courage to allow someone into your life like that. In fact, submissives tend to be the bravest people there are.
- Many if not the majority of submissives tend to hold highly demanding jobs with positions of power where they must make crucial decisions everyday. These are not weak people, these strong people who enjoying giving up their power for a moment of release. To allow someone else to make decisions so they can let go and silence their mind after always being in charge of their life as well as others.
- What people don’t understand is that the submissive is the one that holds the majority of the control in the BDSM relationship. While they certainly might be ‘at the will’ of the Dominant, this is only because there have been multiple conversations and agreements put into place before anything happens. The submissive determines how, when and where they are willing to submit, the activities they will participate in and can end any scene at any time. The Dominant is working within the submissive’s predefined limits.
- The submissive is submitting by choice, not because they have too or out of weakness. Despite everything they could do it is the fact that they choose to submit that makes their life choice so powerful and empowering.
“Only Sick People Are Into BDSM”
If someone is interested in any activities beyond the norm society often deems them sick, perverts or mentally disturbed. Heaven forbid that different people will have different interests and desires. The Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM) for years stated that anybody interested in BDSM was an automatic diagnosis for a mental disorder, which has truly stigmatized anyone who participates in such activities in society.
However, in the resent DSM-V release, the American Psychiatric Association has removed BDSM and kinky sex from being an indicator of a disorder. Therefore just because you are interested in BDSM and being submissive is no way means you are sick or mentally ill. Sadly, most people in society don’t know about the DSM or the revisions. All they know is what they have been taught for many years, so it is going to take a long time for society to come around.
With that said, fifty shades of grey has sold over 100 million copies worldwide so obviously there are far more people who secretly find BDSM fascinating and not as sick as they may openly declare. It might help to learn more about the diagnosis of BDSM in the DSM to help releave your mind of about your desires.
“A Person Should Always Make Their Own Decisions”
Again, the misinformation about BDSM relationships makes a new submissive (often) question whether they are going to be able to make their own decisions. After all, being human means that you should always be in control of your own life all the time. But doesn’t that sound exhausting? Does that sound impossible? A person should be able to make their own decisions…and that might also mean giving over control to someone else some of the time.
In the BDSM relationship, it’s crucial that there are agreements about what decisions a Dominant can make and what decisions the submissive can make. But this is all outlined in detail so that each person is completely satisfied with the end results. Within this process, there are many decisions being made so that the relationship can be safe and satisfying.
Certainly, there are times when the Dominant might be making decisions that the submissive didn’t expect. But this is part of the process and part of the trust that is shared between the partners. And in the end, the submissive can always make the decision to stop what is happening.
Submissives Are Mindless
Many people believe that submissives are these mindless robots who obey everyone and everything. This is not the case at all. Submissives are highly selective on who they choose to submit too and agreements are made to determine how a submissive will serve. If you are not sure then ask yourself, do you always do whatever anybody tells you to do? Chances are likely that you don’t.
The characteristic that is often mistaken for mindless is the fact that many submissives happiness in trying to make those around them happy. So a submissive can go above and beyond to help those around them. It is this extra effort that can seem strange to others. For a person to put aside things in their life in service to help another. In a self-centered society this is a very confusing life choice and what do people tend to do when they don’t understand something; criticize and demean it.
What they don’t see is that this is the submissive’s choice, and it is not for everyone or for every single thing they want. Did not Mahatma Gandhi not say “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Would this world not be a better place if more people thought of others over themselves? I know I would not call Mahatma Gandhi a mindless slave would you?
Accepting Who You Are
The emotional rollercoaster that BDSM relationships can be is often a part of the excitement. Riding the line between consent and desire is fun and exhilarating. But there are emotions that come up and there are questions you might ask yourself along the way.
Here are some tips to deal with the ups and downs:
- Communicate – When you have these feelings or concerns come up, it’s best to talk to your Dominant about what’s going on. This will help the both of you find solutions to issues, if the thoughts become problematic. And this open communication will also help you both understand what might need to be adjusted in your relationship to work even better.
- Keep a journal – Submissives who are working through tricky emotions might enjoy writing down their feelings in a journal to understand what is happening and to have a record of when those feelings seem to come up the most. Also, the submissive can share the journal with their Dominants to show their growth and their insights.
- Come back to what you want – Whether you’re new to being a submissive or you’ve been in the role for a while, remind yourself what you want when the confusing emotions come up. Stop and think about what makes you happy and what makes you feel powerful in your life. If you’re happy, then that’s what matters.
Emotions are tricky, no matter what kind of relationship you’re in. But the more you try to work through them, stay focused on your thoughts and emotions and understand where they might be coming from, the more you can work with them – instead of those feelings working against you and your relationship.
What conflicts have you experienced in your submissive journey? Were you able to work through it and what did you do to resource your conflict? Please feel free to share in the comments section below.
To Your Continued Growth,
Master Bishop
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+
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Thank you for this. I have been struggling to come to terms with being a Dom lately and this has helped.