Dom/me Question: My Sub Isn’t Very Good At Communicating

I have come to a very real, and potentially very bad place in my D/S relationship:

We are both pretty new to the scene and to be expected I’m not very good at it, but my sub isn’t very good at communicating, what she wants/needs, so we are at a semi impasse.

The most I know is, I’m doing something wrong and she isn’t feeling like a Sub.

If possible, I would like to talk with any subs that may have the same problem or anyone that has been in the same situation.

And maybe get some pointers on how to fix it.

I’m not specifically looking for a mentor/teacher, but if one is out there, I won’t turn down the help

Thanks in advanced for any help I receive.


Master Bishop’s Opinion

Thanks for asking this question, I commend you on taking responsibility for your actions, admitting that you have done something wrong and wanting to fix it. That shows a lot of strength of character. I can only be very general to your question as you have not clarified what it is that you have done wrong.

1) When you are first starting into BDSM and a D/s relationship, go slowly and take babysteps. I know the imagination can create some pretty intense scenes and there are tons of porn videos that make extreme BDSM scenes look exciting and easy, but the goal of BDSM is not to push your submissive to their absolute edge or make them call out their safeword. Especially when you are new to BDSM and just beginning a D/s relationship.

When just starting out, it is important to focus on your partner and learning about their reactions and what they like/don’t like. I suggest trying only one new sensation at a time. If you are going to try spanking, focus on a spanking and only spanking. No need to go hard, just keep it light. You can go a bit harder with each new scene you do. Don’t tie your submissive up or blindfold them or add any other sensation to the scene. By only spanking them you can gauge how they are enjoying what you are doing. As you incorporate more things into your play the more intense it can become and for a new submissive the more overwhelming it can become both physically and emotionally.

As the relationship grows and progresses, and you learn exactly how your submissive responds to each sensation can you then slowly begin to include more sensations and increase the intensity of a scene.

Pushing a submissive to their limit or breaking point, only hurts their trust in you and will cause a submissive to withdraw. This is something you might want to consider, when you say your submissive is bad at communicating. Were they always bad at communicating or was it something the Dominant has done that has caused the submissive to withdraw so it appears they are bad at communicating.

2) If your submissive is bad at communicating and refuses to tell you in person what they want/need, provide them with writing assignments. First have the submissive make a list which should include:
Activities/Interests do they like/love
Activities/Interests are they curious about trying
Activities/Interests might they be interested in trying at a later date (known as a soft limit)
Activities/Interests that are completely off limit

This list will really help you to make sure you don’t ever cross any limits in the future. It also gives you a starting point of what you can do. Over time this list will change as your submissive grows and evolves as a person. So revisit this list every six months or so.

You can also create other writing assignments to help answer questions that you might want/need to know. For example:
Why does the submissive want to be submissive
What does submission mean to the submissive
What did the submissive like/dislike about the last scene
Why does the submissive want me as their Dominant
Write out your favorite fantasy
What does submission mean to you
What does the submissive consider her responsibilities in a D/s relationship to be
What does the submissive consider the Dominant’s responsibilities in a D/s relationship to be
What would a perfect D/s relationship look like for the submissive
What would a realistic D/s relationship look like for the submissive

Many people have a hard time expressing themselves in person, but when they are by themselves they can truly communicate their inner most thoughts without worrying about being judged for it.

Don’t exclude yourself, from these writing assignments. Do completing these yourself, you can compare notes and see exactly how you both match and where you both need to work on things together.

3) You can not make anybody feel submissive. Submission is a characteristic that is apart of them. You can create an atmosphere and a scenario to nurture their submissive nature, but you can not make them feel submissive. So don’t feel like you have done something wrong because your partner does not feel submissive.

Instead focus on learning what are things that physically, mentally and emotionally allow her to feel more submissive or support her in expressing more of her submissive nature. Learn what characteristics she needs to see or feel in a Dominant to express her submission. Focus on developing that those characteristic/skills to support her.

As the Dominant, you are here to help, care for and support her submission, but you are not the person solely responsible for it. She needs to help you.

4) Trust is essential in a D/s relationship. In fact it is so important that if you don’t have complete trust you really should not be doing any sort of BDSM activities. It must also be known that trust goes both ways in a D/s relationship. The submissive must trust that their Dominant has their best interests at heart and they will do everything in their power to ensure their safety. The Dominant must trust that the submissive will be open and honest with them, and communicate if anything be comes too much or needs to stop. How can either Dominant or submissive be safe in a D/s relationship when there is no trust.

If a Dominant can not trust that their submissive will communicate with them, then for both of their safety and well-being the Dominant must sit the submissive down and communicate with them that all BDSM activities must stop.

I am not saying end the relationship, I am saying that if a submissive can not be trusted to communicate clearly than it is just not safe to proceed with any BDSM activities until the submissive can communicate their needs.

Instead of focusing on a D/s relationship, focus on your connection with each other outside of a D/s relationship. Figure out what your partner needs to be able to communicate properly with you. Is this the way she has always communicated, if so why does she think she communicates this way? Or perhaps there is something in the way you communicate that causes her to withdraw, if so what is it? Do you make her feel safe when she is expressing herself? Do you let her know that she can tell you anything, without you judging or laughing at her?

Perhaps she just doesn’t trust that she can be completely honest with you, at which point you need to focus on building trust with each other. That takes time and patience.

Let your submissive know that you are here for them and that you want to work with them on improving both of your communication skills with each other. Don’t just point the finger at your submissive as the communication problem as it takes two to communicate.

Once you both can openly communicate with each other would I suggest slowly incorporating Domination and submission back into your relationship.

I hope this helps. If anybody else has some suggestions that helped them in a similar situation or just has any suggestions please feel free to comment below.


Master Bishop

<span style=”font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;”><span style=”font-size: small;”>The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on <a href=””>Google+</a> </span></span>

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