Dom/me Question: What Can I Do To Move Forward?

I have a quick question. I`ve been a closet Master as I call it, for 5 years. I finally came out and started joining the local scene. Now lately, I feel I regret that choice because all I`ve been is judged based in my methods of actually caring for my toys, my slaves…loving them after they do tasks for me. I`ve been judged based on mistakes made too, and even confronted by egotistical Masters. What can I do to move forward without the crowd? Are there any tips on how to find a slave outside the BDSM community, like a sub or what not?




Master Bishop’s Opinion

First of all, good for you for realizing what your way of being dominant looks like. Not everyone has a clear picture, and they sometimes get lost in the ‘My way to Dominate is the only way to Dominate’ conversation. From my point of view, I think that every Master will have their own style of dominating someone else, and when you know what you like, you become a better Master in the end.

When the ego starts to get involved, things can get dangerous. As a Dominant, If your only concern is about what you’re feeling and what you want, then you’re going to get into trouble physically and mentally. People who let themselves be the center of the universe will typically be disappointed in everything they see in their slave.

They will look for things to be wrong, and they will never notice the ways in which their training has been effective or how amazing their slaves are. Thus, they become upset with their slaves, which can cause the slave to work harder – but more likely the slave will begin to crumble under the pressure of this unnecessary ego. It will develop feelings of failure within the slave, and make them unhappy in life. Serving a Dominant is supposed to be the one place that fulfills the submissive’s true needs and desire, but this constant state of disappointment only causes them to feel depressed.

Or these are Dominants that may only focus on ‘beating’ other Dominants. They constantly need to feed their egos by proving to themselves they are better than everybody else. The easiest way to do this is by tearing down all other Dominants or at least the ones that don’t see them as all powerful.

Being a Dominant is not a contest, its a life long journey of self discovery and self improvement. It is about doing what’s right for you and your submissive and as long as what you are doing is safe, sane and consensual, you both are happy with your relationship, that is all that is matters.

With that said, don’t let your ego get in the way of learning from someone else. Even if that person is rude or disrespectful, or try to make you feel beneath them, they might have a little jem of wisdom that could really help you and your submissive.

This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, but as with everything in life use what resonates with you and take the rest with a grain of salt. I’m not saying become best friends with them, but sometimes becoming a better Dominant means being the bigger person and forgiving them for their rude behavior. Being open is what will help you grow in your Domination and in life.

I also want to respond to the idea that caring for your slaves is a ‘bad’ thing according to others. What those other so-called dominants need to know is that the aftercare process is HIGHLY important. While some would like to think that slaves mindless robots ready to serve 24/7 without any care, this is not the way it really works – no matter what certain movies will make you think.

It’s vitally important that slaves get care from their Masters. This doesn’t mean you need to be gentle all the time (and that’s not what a slave typically wants anyway), but you do need to show that you care for them. In the moments after an intense scene, tending to a slave’s body and mind will allow you to grow closer. They will trust you more, and in doing so, they will be more responsive to your training techniques and requests.

So I believe, caring for a slave is a good thing. And if anyone tells you otherwise, as I said before only use what resonates with you.

With all of that said, you talk about wanting to get into another crowd, one that is more open or one that is in line with the way you feel about being a dominant. There are a number of ways to go about this.

The Internet has become a great place to seek out other like-minded individuals and groups. What I suggest would be to find as many online forums as you can about BDSM and start interacting with other Masters and submissives (you can learn just as much from a sub as you can from a Dominant). Talk with them and see who you share common interests with. This will help you see that:

A.) you’re not alone in the way you care for your slaves, and

B.) there are people who would be great for the group you envision.

In addition, you can find slaves in these forums too. Actually, you will probably find more slaves than you know what to do with, since there are many who are looking for caring and effective dominants.

You can also look on social media sites and other online chat areas. Just start a conversation and see who responds. While you might not find the perfect slave at first, you will begin to attract the ones who might make suitable companions in your BDSM fantasies.

It can also be helpful to look at BDSM dating and connection sites. While the idea of online dating might come with a negative feeling, it’s actually a great way to connect. Just write up an online profile that clearly outlines what you’re looking for – and what you’re not looking for in a slave. In doing so, you have set up clear descriptions for the people you want to connect with, and you can weed out anyone who does not fit that description.

I have many more things I could say about this, but I want to give you actionable ideas on what you would do to find the BDSM relationship and community you want.

  • Know what you want – Start by writing out all of the things you want in your BDSM scenes and connections. Find out what works for you and what does not.
  • Stick to what you want – Once you have an idea about what you want, then you should stick to those expectations. In time, you might shift things, but the more consistent you can be, the more you will attract the slaves that are the right fit.
  • Be clear about your desires – When you’re clear about what you want from the start, you’ll be able to connect with the right slaves and the right community.
  • Don’t worry about anyone else’s egos, but make sure your ego doesn’t get in the way either – Dominants are not the only ones with egos in the lifestyle and the BDSM lifestyle is not the only place where egos exist. A lot of time when there are issues between two people it is because there are two egos getting in the way. So always make sure you that your ego is not getting in the way of learning and meeting new people.

What do all of you think.  Do you have any suggestions for this Dominant? Do you find egos from other Dominants difficult to deal with?  Please share your thoughts and feelings in the comment section below.


Master Bishop

The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+

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