I find myself in a very testing situation with my submissive. Our D/s relationship was born from an affair we had & has on the whole, been very fulfilling for us both.
However, I`m finding that she regularly attempts to undermine me or she is disobedient to ensure that she is disciplined. We’ve always used spanking or flogging as a form of punishment but now it has quite obviously become something she craves.
Is this a common progression in a D/s relationship?
I`m considering using more complex mental disciplines, depriving her of contact etc., in place of physical `education` in the hope that she realizes that her behavior is not fitting of a well behaved submissive.
I`d appreciate your thoughts on this subject.
Master Bishop’s Opinion:
First of all, this is a very common situation, especially for those who have been in D/s relationships for a while. Like any relationship, things that used to work don’t always work in the future, and things can get stale and people can get bored.
- People want new things
- The training isn’t challenging anymore
- They want to try being a Dominant
- They just want to see what you will do
- They want more physical education
- They want more attention from you
In some instances, it’s just the way things go – and sometimes being patient is all you can do until things change. No one likes to hear that, but people will sometimes go through phases. Sometimes people are just tired or stressed. It may just pass on its own. But it sounds like you’ve already tried waiting.
In other cases, like yours I believe, you need to take action in order to get things to change. You need to step up as a Dom and start focusing on the problem at hand.
I would start with a conversation outside of the dungeon. While so many Masters and Mistresses want to work things out in the bedroom, this is often the worst place to figure out a problem. Simply communicating about what is happening will allow you to figure out what to do with the situation.
This is the conversation I would suggest:
- Is everything ok? – check with your submissive to see if everything is ok with them outside of the dungeon. Are they having a difficult time in their life? Do they need some time off from submission? Do they need more support to help them work through any tough times? If a submissive is not happy and healthy outside of the dungeon they will not be happy and healthy serving within the dungeon.
- What is happening? – Just as in any difficult situation, you can’t solve a problem unless you know what the problem is. Point out to your slave what you have noticed, and ask them why they are behaving in the way they are behaving. Continue to ask those questions until you get a straight answer.
- What could be done? – Problem solve together to find a way to come back to the place where you were in your D/s relationship. Come up with a few different solutions and then try them out to see what works best.
- Do we need new agreements? – Consider the contract or the agreements you have in your relationship. Maybe things need to change, maybe it’s time to try new things or to not do certain things anymore.
When you’ve had this conversation, you will be able to determine if something went wrong. I’ve seen situations where a slave acted out because their Master did something that was outside of their agreements. The slave did not talk to the Master about it directly, and this soured the relationship.
This is why communication is so important. You are not in a movie or a book where people can just sense what’s happening. You’re two human beings and human beings are complicated. You need to talk.
Once you’ve had the talk, you’ll know what the best next steps are. If you find out that something went wrong in a scene, then you need to endeavor to not let that happen again. You need to rebuild the trust that has been lost.
If you have a slave who is not willing to talk to you about why they are misbehaving, then I agree that you should remove all physical training from your play. Explain to them that your agreement included using spanking and flogging as part of a scene for your training plan, not as a reaction to their misbehavior. Let them know you expect more from them and that you know they can behave better.
You also might want to consider stopping training altogether until things can get worked out. While this isn’t fun for either side of the relationship, sometimes it just needs to happen. Communication is essential for BDSM to be conducted in a safe, sane and consensual environment. If there is no communication or you can not trust your partner to communicate adequately, then BDSM needs to be stopped. Things need to be solved before you can start again. When you let things linger or you pretend that nothing is wrong, it can actually make matters worse.
When you stop training for a while, tell your slave to think about what they have done and write about it. Read what they have written and come together to find out what needs to happen next.
During this time too, think about your own role in your relationship. While it’s tempting to place all of the blame on a slave, a relationship is not one-sided. Think about how you have held yourself in your role. Have you followed through with your promises? Are you acting as the Dominant your slave expects? Where have you changed in the relationship? It doesn’t hurt to examine your own motivations and thoughts behind your role right now too.
The more you can reflect, the more you might just see how you created the situation in which you find yourself.
This isn’t to create a situation of having to blame someone, but rather a problem needs to be looked at from all sides. When a thorough examination is done, then you can make the best choices to create the results you want. And you will both learn from this experience – and hopefully have a plan if things happen to become troublesome in the future.
If the slave continues to misbehave after all of your conversations and all of your problem solving, then you need to ask the question you don’t want to ask: are you done with our D/s relationship?
Usually, asking this question will get things on the road to recovery more quickly, but I would wait to ask until you have exhausted all other options. You don’t want to necessary make them feel like you’re creating an ultimatum. That can make a person close off even more than they already seem to be closing off.
The truth is that training is a good way to make a person behave, but if you’re not addressing the underlying issues, the training will only work for a short time. You need to figure things out and then you can move forward.
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+
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