Dom/me Question: What If Trust Is Broken By The Dominant

Question:

What if trust is broken by the Master? How do you regain that broken trust?

anonymous


 

Master Bishop’s Opinions

The Master in a D/s relationship has an important job. They are tasked with the training and the care for their submissive. This role requires they be specific, clear, and consistent. It also requires that any agreements in place be followed exactly, so the submissive can continue to trust that even the hardest training is safe and they are going to get what they want from the relationship.

But no one is perfect. When a Master makes a mistake, the submissive can be hurt – physically and emotionally. The slave can feel as though they don’t want to follow any other orders because they’re not sure what is going to happen.

In these situations, the training becomes abuse. This is not something that should be glossed over or ignored. The situation needs to be fixed and it needs to be resolved before any other training can occur.

There are a few things to consider.

  • Is this the first time it has happened? – I want to tell you that Masters never make mistakes, but this is untrue. They are human; we are human. In the human condition, it’s clear that sometimes you can forget what you’re doing and you might step out of bounds. It’s important to start looking at the situation as a possible one-time event. Now, I can be forgiving if something happens once, as it can become a learning experience. If this is not the first time it has happened, things need to change. Things need to stop immediately. Whether the Master is in control or not, if they step out of the agreements, they are not in the right place for the training to continue.
  • Are the agreements clear? – Before you begin any D/s relationship, even if it’s just a one-night scene, you still need to have absolutely clear agreements in place. This should start with writing down what is okay to do and what is NOT okay to do. When the trust has been broken, stop and review those agreements again. Talk about what was inferred and what happened. Clarify the agreements as needed until everyone understands. This is not a time to be vague about what you think. Be clear about what you will not tolerate.
  • Was there a clear safeword or signal in place? – I believe a safeword or signal is essential for the safety of the submissive and the actions of the Master. Some couples believe they can handle anything, so they don’t have one in place, but that can create an experience in which the Master doesn’t know when to stop and the submissive doesn’t feel they can say anything. ALWAYS have a way to end the scene immediately, for any reason, no questions asked.
  • Were emotions what pushed the scene over the edge? – Again, we are all humans and our emotions can get the best of us. This becomes very apparent when a Master is new to the scene and to training someone else. They can begin to get so wrapped up in their role and in their power that they go beyond what they agreed to do. It is not right – to be clear. Stop and assess how the Master can control their emotions in the future, and give space for them to collect themselves during a scene to ensure they don’t go past an agreed upon limit.
  • What happened at the end? – Think about the way the Master handled the situation after something went wrong. Did they stop immediately and apologize? Or did they act as though nothing went wrong? If you are with a Master who did not acknowledge their mistake, I would not have another scene with them until you feel comfortable once more.

Rebuilding trust sounds like it is a goal for you and for your relationship. If you are committed to things getting better, you need to know it will not happen overnight.

You can break trust in a second and you can only rebuild it over time.

To help restore the trust in your Master, you need to be clear that you feel that things have been damaged. You need to sit down with your Master in a non-sexual setting and talk to them about what you experienced, how you felt, and how you feel now.

You will need to be clear and direct in your communication, and ask that your feelings be heard fully before you move into a problem-solving mode. If your Master doesn’t seem to understand that something went wrong, continue to explain your side until things are clear.

(And if your Master refuses to listen, you need to walk away from this relationship.)

Once your Master understands what has happened, here are some steps to getting your relationship back on track.

  • Set up shorter training sessions – Until you feel comfortable again, it will be better to have shorter times together. Allow yourself to feel supported by your Master again, and to not have to commit to anything longer than feels good to you.
  • Be willing to stop things when you are uncomfortable – At the start of rebuilding trust, things can feel as though everything is a possible threat. You both need to be ready to stop things immediately, no matter where a scene is. Stop things the second they feel like they’re heading in a negative direction. It’s going to take some time to get back to your comfort zone.
  • Have time for feedback at the end – After a moment where your trust has been broken, make time to debrief after a scene. What worked? What didn’t work? What could be better? The more you talk things through, the more you will both be on the same page.

I imagine you feel that things are going to be able to fix themselves, and they often will resolve more quickly than you may realize. However, you need to feel comfortable and if that means you need to spend more time talking and less time on the end of a flogger for a bit, then that’s exactly what you need to do.

Regards,

Master Bishop

The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+

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1 thought on “Dom/me Question: What If Trust Is Broken By The Dominant”

  1. Thank you Master Bishop, I would like to add a few more thoughts.
    If you have determined that Y/you are both willing to move forward and re-establish the trust and continue with the training and the relationship Y/you must also be fair and honest about Your choice.
    To do this both the Master and submissive must
    * Acknowledge that an error was made.
    * Identify the error, recognize the damage and hurt it caused and agree on what steps will be taken to avoid such an error in the future.
    * Then and this is very important. Y/you need to let it go.

    If Y/you both agree that Y/you wish to continue with the Relationship/Training/Scenes then Y/you must let the past be in the past and move forward into the future. You must allow yourself the opportunity to grow and learn and reconnect.

    Don’t keep revisiting the error unless it occurs again. Don’t use it as an excuse for more bad decisions or behaviors that could potentially derail the forward motion of the relationship. Don’t use it as an excuse to continually punish the Master or to explain away your inability to learn or grow or refocus. If this is the case than you are setting yourself up for failure and trust will never be re-established.

    I am not suggesting that it be forgotten. I am suggesting that if You choose to forgive and move forward than you will need to Let it go. If you don’t it will undoubtedly create discomfort, more distrust and potentially a more harmful situation for both the Master and the submissive.

    If you find you can not let it go – Well that is perfectly fine and you have that choice… Some things are too hurtful or beyond forgiving. If you feel this is where you are then please, be fair and honest with yourself and your Master and find the courage and strength to walk away… Don’t continue to abuse yourself if you truly cannot forgive, let go and allow yourself to move on in a positive healthy direction.

    Regards
    slave kathleen

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