What A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

When you’re a Dominant, you’ll be the one who is going to tell the submissive what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. However those parts of your relationship might seem clearer than other parts. While the submissive might think they simply have to follow your orders, they need to do more for you than they may have expected at first. Here are eleven things that your submissive can do for a Dominant in order to make your job easier.

The Sub Must be Honest

While it should go without saying, everyone in any relationship should be honest and clear with each other. When a sub isn’t clear about what they are feeling or what they need, then the Master or Mistress isn’t going to be able to help. Likewise, if the Dominant isn’t honest, then the submissive isn’t going to know what they have done wrong and how they can fix it. Honesty is imperative so everyone gets what they want from the relationship.

The Sub Must Communicate

Hand in hand with honesty is the need for communication. A submissive needs to be willing to talk with their Master or Mistress on a regular basis. This might look like a regularly scheduled meeting or some other agreed upon communication tool. In doing so, there will be times for bigger things to be discussed and problems to be solved outside of the scene.

With these ‘musts,’ the submissive will be able to perform their tasks well – and you as the Dominant will be able to focus on what you need to do: train and control.

With that said, a Dominant should never punish a sub for communicating honestly with them. As all the Dominant does is teach the submissive to do is avoid being open and honest. That doesn’t mean a sub can’t learn how to politely and respectfully communicate these honest thoughts.

The Sub Should Learn Their Responsibilities

While it seems like it would be a natural part of the Dom/sub relationship, some submissives just don’t realize that they need to understand what is expected of them (as agreed upon by both partners). They need to be able to take on those responsibilities without being told hundreds of times they need to do X or Y. If the submissive isn’t trying to learn their responsibilities, they might be better off not being in a relationship where responsibilities are necessary.

A submissive needs to be responsible and accountable for their actions. If a person is not willing to be either of these, than they might prefer a role as a babygirl, brat, puppy or some other kind of role play where they can just enjoy the moments you share together.

There is nothing wrong with a person not wanting to take on the responsibilities of a submissive. However, a person should never ask a Dominant to take on the responsibilities of a Dominant, if they are not willing to take on the responsibilities of a submissive. It is crucial that both Dominant and submissive accept their responsibilities within an agreed upon Dom/sub relationship.

The Sub Should Be Patient

A lot of resources will talk about how the Master or Mistress in a relationship needs to be patient with the submissive, but that doesn’t always happen in the other direction. While you might be the Dominant, your submissive needs to be patient with you, as you don’t always know exactly what to do and when to do it. Dominants are human after all and are prone to make mistakes from time to time.

Or you might have longer term plans in place for your sub, which means they might not get what they want right away. A submissive who isn’t understanding or patient is one that isn’t listening to their Master or Mistress. They’re just trying to ‘top from the bottom.’

The Sub Should Be Practical and Realistic

Yes, many subs want to be controlled 24/7 and they want to be thrown into a dungeon in the dark. But bills still need to be paid, and most relationships have other things that need attention. A submissive needs to realize sometimes responsibilities outside of the Dom/sub relationship need to be looked after before the Dominant can focus on their submissive. They will get attention when it’s time to get attention, but only after life responsibilities have been taken care of.

The Sub Should Be Understanding And Sympathetic

A submissive must know that regular life stressors can become overwhelming for a Dominant just like it can for a submissive. Not only should a Dominant not train/play during these times, they may not have any desire too.

Many submissives struggle with the same issues, and when overwhelmed with life stressors can lose their desire to serve. A understanding ear and sympathetic hand can go a long way to helping a person deal with such stress. If a submissive expects this, a Dominant should be no different.

We all need help when times get tough. Yes, even Dominants need a helping hand from time to time.

The Sub Must Try To Learn

A submissive who is coming into a training session without maintaining their knowledge is one who isn’t giving 100%. Submissives MUST be willing to learn from each session. Sure, you will have off days now and again, but the more they practice and the more a sub focuses on their role, the more they will retain. If the sub isn’t retaining knowledge, they may need to go back to basic sessions until they can hold onto the information they have been given.

This really goes back to responsibilities. If the sub asked to be submissive, part of their role is learning and maintaining that information. If the submissive is not willing or does not want to learn, perhaps they just don’t want the responsibility of being a submissive.

Again, there is nothing wrong with that, as a person’s kink is their kink and should be enjoyed how they want. With that said, there is nothing more frustrating putting in the time and energy to teach someone who never wanted to learn in the first place. This is why it’s important to know a person’s true desires from the start.

The Sub Should Practice Discretion

Sadly, BDSM is still frowned upon and misunderstood by most people. So it is usually a good idea to keep the Dom/sub side of the relationship and training details secret from most people in your life. I have known many people who have lost friends, been disowned by parents and/or been fired from a job for revealing their BDSM desires. If the Dominant and the submissive aren’t in a community that supports BDSM, it is usually safer to keep details about a Dom/sub relationship private.

It is best to only share information with someone outside of the relationship who you know is either openminded in regards to BDSM or who can truly be trusted to be able to maintain your privacy but still look out for your best interest. As it can be helpful to talk with others about your relationship, kinks and BDSM struggles from time to time. However, it tends to be better to have someone who is kink friendly, as they will understand your need for discretion.

If both partners can not agree on the trustworthiness of an individual than private information about the relationship should not be shared. Remember, it is both people’s (Dom & sub) reputation and life that could be affected by this information being spread to the wrong person.

BDSM is not illegal or immoral, but that doesn’t not stop some people in this world from judging or discriminating against those who practice it.

The Sub Must Trust

At the start of any relationship, there will be a period when the submissive isn’t sure if they can trust their Dominant. It’s natural, in fact the submissive shouldn’t trust a Dominant until they have proven they are trust worthy. But as time goes on, the submissive needs to be able to let go and trust, if the Dominant has shown that they can be trusted.

Just like in a vanilla relationship, you can not have a strong healthy relationship if there is no trust. If a sub doesn’t trust a Dominant, they’re not going to get the most from the relationship and certainly not the most from the training.

The Sub Must Be Sane

A submissive must be clear with their Dominant if they have mental health issues. They need to be clear about their mental state, what they are doing for it, and how they are managing any current issues. A sub that doesn’t talk about their mental health issues, does not continuously work on their mental health, doesn’t work with a professional on their mental health or one that goes off their medications without any warning is one that is not going to be safe in a scene with a Dominant.

It is unsafe for both the Dominant and submissive if either is currently suffering from any mental health issues that are not being dealt with.

The Sub Must be in the Present

Everyone will think on their past at some point or another, but when someone in a relationship continues to bring up the past, it’s going to make it hard to focus on the present day. A submissive must be able to think about what is happening right now, and let go of the past. If a sub notices they are focusing on the past too much, it might be a sign they need to work with a professional on letting go of these past situations.

Of course, there are things a submissive needs from a Dominant, so a submissive is able to provide these needs to their Dominant. Don’t think that a Dom/sub relationship is all about the submissive giving to the Dominant, however that will have to be left for another article.


Master Bishop

The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+

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