Sub Question: Not What He Said When We First Met

Unfortunately my Dom has ignored me for about a month, all the time saying nothing was wrong but when I confronted him he kind of dismissed me and doesn’t want to continue as he prefers to have several pets not just me, which is not what he said when we first met, leaving me upset and hurt. It`s bad enough dealing with this sort of thing in a vanilla relationship but having let go of everything and given in to desires and tried so hard to do the right thing, I`m feeling especially used and hurt.

So for now my D/s has come to a close 🙁

Cheers,

Kylie

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Master Bishop’s Opinion

 

I’m truly sorry to hear that your last Dominant/submissive relationship has ended and that it ended on a bit of sour note. I’m not sure what your question is here, so I’m going to talk about various things I imagine you might be thinking and feeling right now.

First let U/us consider two different scenarios:

He Was Honest, But His Desires Changed

Your Dominant had been honest when he first met you, in that he was happy with just one submissive. One thing you must understand is that all people change over time. It is especially true with Dominants and submissives, as W/we grow into O/our roles W/we learn more about O/ourselves and W/we discover new tastes and desires.

Your Dominant is not a bad person for realizing he wants more than one submissive at a time (as long as he didn’t act on it while with you). Did he handle it poorly by not communicating with you and brushing you off? Of course, that was the worst way to handle it. There are lots of better ways to have handled this, but keep in mind all Dominants are human and just because a person says they are Dominant, it does not mean they are good at dealing with their emotions.

He might not be totally confident about his new desires, thus making him uncomfortable to really be open and express how he feels about it. New emotions and desires can be extremely overwhelming and difficult to understand yourself, let alone how to explain and express it to someone else. Especially to someone who you care about and don’t want to hurt and know your new desire will probably do just that. He might have thought the best way to not hurt you was by withdrawing, as W/we can see now, clearly that was not the best idea.

Obviously, if he wants to have more than one submissive in his life he is going to have to learn how to communicate better when things become difficult. If he has a hard time talking with one submissive, he is going to be in big trouble when he is dealing with multiple pets. What he can’t keep doing is pushing them away when things get tough.

However, that is not your problem anymore and that is something he will have to work on. For you, I would suggest not to blame yourself for anything that happened. You didn’t do anything wrong! He doesn’t want multiple subs because you didn’t do a good job serving him or because you weren’t enough. This is how he feels now and it has nothing to do with what you have done.

The best thing for you to do is realize he is human (flaws included) and forgive him for the poor way he handled the whole situation. It doesn’t mean you have to be happy with how he handled it, but the last thing you want to do is carry any resentment into a future Dominant/submissive relationship where you find yourself unable to trust. You just don’t want to hold past issues against your future Dominant.

All you can do in life is try to figure out who you are and what it is that you want/need in life. Then be true and honest with yourself and with those in your life. As you grow and change be as open and honest with your partner as possible.

Take some time to write out what you:

1. want/need in life
2. want/need as a submissive
3. want/need in a future Dominant
4. List 5 goals you want in your life
5. BDSM activities you are interested in participating in
6. BDSM activities that are off limits but you might be interested in participating in (soft limits)
7. BDSM activities that are completely off limits (ie multiple subs)
8. what you absolutely don’t want

Once you have a clear understanding of who you are and what you want/need, you will better be able to find someone who will compliment what you are looking for. Obviously, one of those things will be a Dominant who is open and honest about how they feel and will always be there to support you even when things get tough.

Every six months go back and rewrite this list to get a better idea of who you really are. I’m positive you will see that over time you will change and your desires will change with you. Learning from this relationship, you will better to be able to communicate your needs/desires and changes that may develop to your future Dominant. With you being a clear as possible, hopefully this will attract a future Dominant who is better at communicating to you as well.

He Lied From The Start

Now if your last Dominant lied about being happy with one submissive and his intention was to always have multiple pets, than that is a sad thing to see. It certainly doesn’t help someone who truly wants to be trained and to be someone’s exclusive pet.

Often, in these situations, a submissive will wonder what they did wrong. And I want to tell you something – you may have done nothing wrong. In fact, I can almost guarantee that you were not the cause of what happened. If they lied, then it sounds to me like your Master doesn’t know what they want, and they don’t have any integrity to stick to their original agreement.

While it’s not a bad exercise to look at your performance as a submissive, my guess is that you followed all of the training steps and all of the lessons. You did everything you were supposed to do.

Even if you weren’t a perfect submissive (and who is?), you still have a right to be with someone who upholds their end of your agreement. From the start, you had an agreement about what the relationship was going to look like, how you were going to behave, etc. As a submissive you need to follow this, but the Dominant has to follow this as well.

You also have the right to be with someone who is honest in his or her communication. First to lie, then to say that nothing is wrong and then turn their back on you makes me upset.

But all you can do now is make sure this doesn’t happen to you again. Here is what I would suggest you do:

• Figure out what you want – I would like to give you some homework. Start by writing down all of the things you want from a D/s relationship. Write down how you imagine it to look, what you might do, and what the Master/Mistress might do. You can look at this as writing out your own training manual, and you can use it in the future to show your next Dominant what you will provide to them and what you will expect them to do in return. Include everything you can think of, and be detailed so there is no misunderstanding what you have to offer.

• Communicate often – No matter what relationship you might be in, make sure you communicate often. This means you will both agree to check in at regular intervals. You will also agree to talk when something comes up, even if it doesn’t seem like a ‘big deal.’ The more you talk, the more you will be able to ensure small problems don’t become large problems. If you’re not sure how to effectively communicate, talk to your friends about how they manage communication in their relationships. Everyone has tips to share.

• Be honest with your word – If you’re asking someone else to be honest with you, you need to be honest as well. You need to say what you mean, not play games, and uphold your promises to the other person. Should you notice you’re not being honest, take accountability, apologize, and make amends.

• Let the past go – While it can feel good to be angry and upset at your past Master, you will want to let the situation go. Not everyone is like that person, and if you’re holding onto negative feelings, they might color your experience with a new person. Don’t let that person take up any more of your brain space. They’re not worth it.

• Don’t go back to this Master – I don’t think you need this piece of advice, but I’m going to give it anyway: don’t go back to this person. They are a person that is out of integrity and they are a person who is not going to be a good fit for you.

When it comes to situations where someone doesn’t do what they said they would do, you need to do one thing: stop what is happening. If you notice something is not right, communicate this. Just because you’re a submissive in the relationship does not mean you can’t have a say.

You do have a right to speak up and to have your words heard. You have a right to feel safe and secure in your relationship. You have a right to expect honest, open communication.

What you need to hear right now is that while you may not have had the experience you wanted to have, this might be a good thing. After all, if this person didn’t uphold their word with you about the status of your relationship, who knows how else they might have stepped over the line?

I would encourage you to take some time to step away from a new relationship until you are absolutely clear on what you want in the future. My guess is that you’re much clearer than you were before, and while you might not be as trusting as the time before this incident, this has proven to be a learning experience. Maybe this is not the best way for a relationship to end, but it sounds like it has allowed you to better know yourself. It is lessons like these that help U/us to grow.

My wish for you is that you never have to deal with this sort of situation again. Additionally, I hope the other submissives in that relationship will not have to deal with what you went through too.

I hope this helps, if anybody else has any experience dealing with a situation like this or has any suggestions with how to deal with a situation like this please feel free to leave a comments below.

Sincerely,

Master Bishop

The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+

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