BDSM Question
I think the real problem that causes subs to misbehave is that there is an insecure feeling about how to start a nice evening.
Let me tell you how it started to go wrong with me and my former Master (and relation).
The only way I ever started a session was by saying 'honey do you want to come upstairs so we can cuddle' Well we started with cuddling and on the way we started with bound wrists etc.
Most of the time He started the 'moments'. Or he prepared a session or he 'dragged' me upstairs.
In the 4 years we had a relation I can count the times I did more then a 'come cuddle' on both hands.
I'm ashamed of that but I really do not now how to start from nothing. So the result was that I misbehaved so the evening could start.
After a while he found out that I used that attitude to get started, that i started to like being whipped. So he didn't whip me on the attention-calling.
In the meanwhile other things didn't work out that well which was the reason the relation ended.
Now I only can ask you the following questions hoping that you will do something with them and maybe the results will help many more subs and dominants with the results.
-Can you describe a few scenario's. Which say how to start, what things one can do etc. This will help people a lot. As well from the dominant view as well as the sub view.
greetings,
V
Sharing Is Caring
Master Bishop’s Opinion
Getting started is always tricky, especially when you have one or both partners that aren’t entirely familiar with how BDSM ‘works.’ Now, with that in mind, you need to remember something: no one is perfect. There is no one right way to do anything. So long as everyone in the relationship is getting what he or she wants out of the relationship, then anything can work. After all, you’re the only two in your dungeon and it doesn’t matter what anyone else might say.
But as you’ve asked, let’s talk about some basic ways to create effective scenarios.
Getting Started With Your BDSM Scene
DOMINANT VIEW: The Dominant walks into the room and tells the submissive to prepare themselves for a session. This could be a command to get into a certain position or to go into a certain spot of the house. Or the Dominant bring out the slave’s collar and put it on the slave. This could be the signal that training has begun once the collar is on, the submissive will then be under the complete control of the Dominant.
The Dominant can also have a phrase that signals when training will start. Once they say this phrase, the submissive will know that the Dominant is ready to train. The Dominant can say something like:
“Are you ready to serve, sub?”
or
“Bring Me your collar, sub”
I like using a phrase to start a session, because it gives the submissive a chance to let Me know if they are ready to train in a polite manner. Even though, a sub should be ready to serve at any time, sometimes life just gets in the way.
A submissive can express themself by using a few polite phrases:
- If the sub is more then ready to serve, he/she can say “As you wish, Master/Mistress”
- If the sub needs a few minutes to prepare, perhaps take a shower and freshen up “This sub kindly requests 10 minutes to properly prepare for Master?”
- If the sub is not in the mood for training but knows they can get into the mood with some lighter play, they can say “This sub apologizes for not being ready, but under your guidance this sub can become ready” Hearing this phrase, I know they are not in the mood yet, so I will have to take things slow and get them in the mood.
- If the sub is not in the mood at all or is unable to serve, then they will say “This sub apologizes but this sub is not able to physically or emotional serve at this time.” From hearing this phrase I know something is wrong and the sub needs time away from serving. Right now, what they need is a friend, someone to listen to what is going on with their life.
The point is to communicate this in a polite manner, so nobody is offended.
SUBMISSIVE VIEW: In many relationships, the submissive is not in charge of the scene, so they may not be able to start things off.
However, you might also be able to signal when you are ready for a scene by putting on a collar or by getting into a certain position that the Dominant enjoys.
My favorite way for a sub to start a scene is for them to get dressed in one of their slave uniforms, bring their collar and crawl to where I am located at the time.
From there they will take request position with their collar stretched out in their arms. The sub will then request “Is there any way in which this sub can serve her Master?” or “This sub has been having strong desires to be XXXXX. Is there anything this sub can do for her Master to hopefully receive this?”
This doesn’t mean that a scene will instantly start, however, as the Dominant is still in charge.
Start A Scene Before You Even See them
In this highly hectic world that we live in, for many of us, much of our time is spent away from our partners than with our partners. As life rears its ugly, chaotic head, constantly finding new ways to distract and de-emphasize the relationship, it can become hard to initiate the start of a scene.
Instead of waiting for the perfect moment, strike when the mood strikes you. Often the best ways to start a BDSM scene are also some of the best forms of mental foreplay.
Dominants:
- Leaving a morning note with tasks you want your submissive to complete throughout the day. Each erotically charged task leads to another, as the submissive keeps you abreast of their progress throughout the day. The final task is for the submissive to be fully prepared and ready to serve the moment the Dominant steps through the door.
- Send texts, voice messages, and emails describing what the scene will entail when the both of you are finally together. Part of those messages can contain precisely how the scene will start and how the submissive must be prepared.
- Some Dominant’s will train their submissive on proper grooming and cleansing that best please the Dominant. Often this preparation becomes a ritual the submissive will perform to prepare themselves for their Dominant and themselves. Instructing the submissive to “Prepare for Me” will notify that the Dominant desires to start a scene and that the submissive should perform their ritual and be ready.
Things You Can Do Moving Forward
There are a number of different things that you can do in order to create a scene, and what you choose will vary, depending on the goals of your training.
A typical scene might look like this:
The slave hands over control, in some way. This might be with a collar, bondage in some way, etc.
The Master/Mistress takes the slave and tests them in the lessons they have learned in their training.
If the tests go well, the Master/Mistress might teach the slave something new.
If the tests do not go well, the training from the last session might be repeated. AND/OR
A Master/Mistress might try to punish the slave for not behaving.
The session may end with caring for any wounds and debriefing about how the session might have gone better. Don’t forget some much needed aftercare, with lots of water and food to replenish your body.
What you will notice is that this is a very bare bones outline, and it should be. You want to leave yourself enough room to adjust to how the training develops.
One example of a simple scene is when a Master/Mistress tells a submissive to get into the dungeon and prepare themselves. The submissive does so, taking off any clothing they have been instructed in the past to take off, folding them properly and putting them away. The Master/Mistress then orders the slave to get into a series of positions. When the slave makes a mistake, they are told that they have one punishment.
At the end of the test, the Master/Mistress might have a punishment session for the slave to ensure they have learned their lessons.
What you will notice is that this is TRAINING. There needs to be someone to train, someone who is providing the training, a lesson to be taught, and consequences if the lesson is not learned. For more ways to enhance your slave training check out the Dom/sub Relationship Guide.
If you have an idea about a different way to start a scene, please add your idea in a comment below.
By Master Bishop
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 20 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 15 years.
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Starting A BDSM Scene
My first experience crafting a scene with a submissive partner was a disaster. I read somewhere that you should have the submissive say some sort of repetitive mantra to begin the scene. The idea was to get her to have positive affirmation about being submissive to me and… whatever. She was just not into it, the whole thing got derailed from the beginning, and I scrambled to recover. First times are fraught with complexity and questions and awkwardness, and BDSM first times are not exempt. It’s easy to forget what it’s like when you finally find someone that wants to play (win!) and is going to let you be dominant (double win!). But then what do you do next? I’m going to do my best to help you through starting a scene.
Yes, Dominants Need Aftercare Too
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Best article yet, thank you
very helpful and informing
I train my sub to repeat a mantra over and over again when they are away from me and they desire to touch the self. This programs the mantra deep in their nervous system to willingly give up their control quickly to me. I always have my sub kneel before me and repeat the mantra over and over with permission to touch himself until I feel satisfied and he is centered. The mantra is: I belong to my MISTRESS.
I give my mind and body to my MISTRESS.
I am grateful for the privilege of serving my MISTRESS.
I am a cock slave.
My wife/sub needs a lot of sexual foreplay before she will submit. When she gets in the mood I can do as I please
Thank you, great post. As a sub, this has helped a lot with asking without seeming to top from the bottom.