Starting A BDSM Scene

Starting A BDSM Scene

My first experience crafting a scene with a submissive partner was a disaster. I read somewhere that you should have the submissive say some sort of repetitive mantra to begin the scene. The idea was to get her to have positive affirmation about being submissive to me and… whatever.

She was just not into it, the whole thing got derailed from the beginning, and I scrambled to recover.
First times are fraught with complexity and questions and awkwardness, and BDSM first times are not exempt.

It’s easy to forget what it’s like when you finally find someone that wants to play (win!) and is going to let you be dominant (double win!). But then what do you do next?

I’m going to do my best to help you through starting a scene. But before I begin, I want you to know that these are just suggestions and that nothing I say is meant to be perceived as rules or regulations. What I’m doing here is just putting out some ideas for you. Take or leave these ideas, and always remember that you and your partner(s) are the ultimate authority on what you do together.

Sharing keeps the world spinning

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In The Beginning

So… my first experience crafting a scene with a submissive partner started with having her repeat a phrase three times and kiss my whip. It was something that I read somewhere and I thought it sounded neat.

I could see that I was losing her quickly. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do next, and the one thing that I had all worked out utterly failed.

Act Submissive BDSM

What did I do? I just carried on. Once we got going in the scene she got into it, and things improved. The next scene we had was better. And the next one after that was even better.
What I learned from the experience is that BDSM is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.

Just hang in there.

Calling the scene early, or saying “let’s start over,” or apologizing, is not going to help matters at all. What helps more than anything is momentum. Because once you get to the fun stuff (even if you’re not so good at that) the beginning will fade away.

Plus, someone who is into you is most-likely very forgiving. As long as you haven’t built yourself up to be some sort of MegaDom then they will work with you as you get your mojo together. They want you to be great at this too. Sometimes “great” takes time.

The next time we played together I dropped that silly mantra and things went smoother. But, let me also say this. The mantra wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I was using someone else’s tool and tacking it on to my scene.

It wasn’t something that came from within.

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Making It Personal

What I’ve discovered over the years is that if I incorporate things that make me happy, and if I listen to what’s important to my partner and include those things, then the beginning of my scenes are some of my favorite moments.

Just like almost everything else in BDSM, that starts with communication, but not just with your partner, it’s going to take some introspection too.

  • Start by asking your partner things like:
  • What makes you feel the most submissive?
  • What helps you get in the submissive mindset the fastest?
  • How can I help you transition into the submissive mindset?
  • Is there a phrase or a name that I can use to make you feel more submissive?

The idea is to get your partner to talk about that moment that you go from being a normal functioning person in polite society to being a submissive and ready to do that power exchange. For some people that’s going to be just like flicking a switch. They are ready at a moment’s notice, and can find that mindset easily. Others will need help and encouragement.

I don’t think it’s even an experience thing. I’ve known people very experienced that have a hard time finding the right headspace, in fact, they crave it, but they need help. While some new submissives go from zero to 60 at light speed. They are present and ready RIGHT NOW.

That conversation may be a unique experience for both of you. Some people would never have given this subject one thought and some people have probably given it enough thought to fill a book. It could be a fun discussion, but no matter what you dig up, it should help figure out what to incorporate into the beginning of your scene.

Now it’s your turn.

You need to be asking the same sort of questions, but figure out what gets you in the dominant mindset. What sort of indicators tell you that it’s time to start the scene.

  • What do you want a submissive to do to indicate that they are being submissive to you?
  • What puts you in the right mood?

I’m going to go over what I do to start a scene in a moment, but my pattern has evolved from years of refining it, and it will change with every partner. It’s okay to add and subtract elements until you find what works for the two of you.

If you don’t have any definitive answers, then it’s time to start experimenting. It won’t take long to figure out what’s going to put you both in the right place.

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How I Start a Scene

Again, I want to stress that this is just what works for me. Something entirely different may be your jam. There are no rules here, except the ones you make and your submissive agrees to.

I’m generally a kind and gregarious sort of person, so I need the beginning of the scene to transport me into another realm. I need a series of events to take place to signal to us both that it’s time to fully assume our roles.

I’d like to mention here that if you’re in a spontaneous scene in a public dungeon, particularly if you’re with someone you’ve never had a scene with, then some of this may be too much or out of your control. Also, if you’re in a long-term relationship, or you’re living this full-time, some of these things may be present all the time. If so, congratulations!

I’m giving you the beginning of a scene with someone who I’m not living with, but we’re in a relationship.

Setting the Mood for a BDSM Scene

As the dominant, I like to slow down time a bit and soak in the moment. I’ll usually sit down somewhere and quiz the submissive on a few things. I’ll check to see if she needs to go to the bathroom, if she’s comfortable with the temperature in the room, and ask her to turn down the lights and pick some music to listen to. I’ll see if she has any injuries or anything else I need to know about.

For me, I like it to be darker in the room, but not pitch black. I really like low colored lights if possible.

I used to have specific things I would play. I had a good stretch where I would play the album “Karma” by Delerium. What I liked about that album was how ethereal it is, it has a good beat, and it’s not obtrusive.

What I’ve done recently is ask the submissive to pick music that speaks to her. I had one submissive that really took that to heart and built a playlist for us, adding to it over time. It was a wonderful thing for both of us to share and created another layer of connection. Plus… if you hear the music on that list, it’s an automatic signal that it’s playtime. And, if you hear it outside of the scene, it will bring you fond memories.

Another thing is making sure we both have something to drink… water, tea, or whatever you like, but usually not alcohol. The point is to have something so that when either of you get dehydrated you have something available.

You might also both put your phones on silent, check the front door to make sure it’s locked, and make sure that kids, pets, and anything else that might interrupt you are taken care of.

The point is to try and mitigate any disturbances before they happen so you can enjoy your time together.

With the mood properly set, I like to have my submissive kiss my feet first thing.

What I like about that is it forces the submissive to get on her knees and do something conscious that she wouldn’t do unless she was submissive. It’s clearly a submissive act.

Then my first command is “Attention.”

The first thing I teach a new submissive is a few simple slave positions so that I can easily control them, plus I can get them into place quickly, and it’s a good way to keep them safer when paddles, floggers, and whips start flying.

For me, “Attention” means that the submissive finds a place in the center of the room, looking away from me, with her feet spread, her back straight, her arms laced behind her back or behind her head, chin up, gaze down. Watching the submissive get into that position puts us both in our roles.

I like restricting the gaze of the submissive because it’s another way to assert control and make them do something that’s very much unlike how they would act in normal society. It’s forcing a submissive act on them all the time. And it’s fun to punish them when they cheat… they almost always do. But realize also that they are testing you when they do that.

When I was younger there was a lot of talking at the beginning of a scene. But now, once I get to “Attention” my talking slows down a bunch. Everything slows down for us. I force time to stop for us. This is our moment together. Apart from the craziness and pain and challenge of the world. This moment is ours, and I like to stretch that out as much as possible.

All of this is happening with the submissive in the center of the room, and me usually sitting somewhere. I like to create the distance, to show the submissive that I can control her with my voice alone, and to juxtapose how close we will be in a moment. I want her to feel the distance between us. I want her to feel exposed, and submissive, and alone in her servitude.

Let shit breathe for a moment. Let that sink in for both of you. It’s important (to me) to create that distance and let the submissive be alone and silent with her thoughts.

Submissives tend to have a lot of internal dialog going on. In fact, many submissives specifically chase being submissive to combat that internal dialog. They want a break from all the voices, and worry, and conflict in their heads.

Whether they have a running dialog, or they are not used to silence, and being observed, it serves a purpose to let those precious moments breathe. Let that submissive have the time to process things.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned since I was a baby dom is to foster and appreciate moments of silence.

The next thing I’ll do is get up and move toward the submissive and do an inspection of her slave position. I might make a verbal correction, or I might move her into place. I don’t ever kick her feet to get them further apart though (I worry about damaging knees or something else). It’s much more fun to tell her to spread her legs further anyway.

It’s unlikely that I’ll touch her at this point either. I tend to wait as long as I can to touch her the first time. She might get a quick slap on the ass if she looks at me, or if she’s not in position correctly.

Then it’s usually time to start asking the submissive to get naked for me. I don’t usually do that all at once. It depends on what she’s wearing. Again, I like to stretch this moment out as much as possible.

Sometimes the submissive will dress up for me in lingerie, or another outfit before we even begin. But I really like when I can have her remove her work clothes for me. There’s something delicious about literally stripping away her real world outer appearance.

I often will start with having her take off her top. I like to have her do it so it’s a submissive act—her doing what I tell her, and it’s sexy to have her strip slowly according to my desires. I’ll have her fold the clothes neatly and put them in a pile. I learned early on that this both makes the submissive think consciously about being orderly, and it sure makes it easier to find your stuff when the scene ends, especially if it has to end suddenly or unexpectedly!

Once the clothes start coming off I’ll typically touch the submissive for the first time. I’ll run my hands over the exposed skin she has provided for me. Feel how soft and warm she is. Maybe I’ll kiss her. Maybe not. If she gets out of order I’ll pop her ass or pinch a nipple so she gets back in line.

Having someone present themselves to be touched intimately puts me firmly in the right state of mind. And for the submissive, being touched, without being able to touch back, is also good for that submissive mindset.

Remove Their Panties Domination Submission Acts

This is a thing just for me. I don’t know where this comes from, but I like to be the one who removes the panties of my partner. So, I’ll have her remove everything but that. I wish I knew where that came from, but it’s something that I really enjoy, and I like the symbolism of being the person who is in charge of that task. There are times when we are far into a scene before I remove her panties, and times when I’ll get them off of her immediately. But I like being in charge of doing that.

I’m an exceptionally tactile person, so I will touch my submissive a lot at this point. I’ll touch her everywhere and I will be both gentle and not. I want her to feel like she is there to please me, and I want her to be used to, and comfortable with me touching her. It’s important to me that she understands that her body is there for me to use as I see fit (and, of course, within the parameters that we have decided beforehand).

It’s at this point that I’ll start laying out the tools that I’ll need for the scene. I often have a rough plan hours, if not days, before we play. I don’t keep to a ridged plan though. Sometimes things take longer than I expected, and sometimes they are more taxing on the submissive than I planned. You have to be flexible with this sort of thing.

I like laying those things out while my submissive is naked, at attention, waiting on me. It forces that stretch of time again. It makes the submissive dial in on the sounds of me choosing the equipment, and it makes them highly aware of how vulnerable they are at that time.

Often, I’ll go sit down again. Maybe drink a bit of whatever I had her prepare for me. And I’ll take in the vista before me. I look at the beautiful woman in front of me. I appreciate the fortune that has brought us together. And I prepare myself for the battle to come. This is still the calm before the storm. It’s one of my favorite moments in a scene.

Don’t get me wrong, I love it all, but honestly, it’s the moments before a scene, and after a scene that are my favorites. I know that sounds weird, and that’s okay. But I seek BDSM for the connection it brings, and those two moments are when I feel the most connected.

If I’m going to need her to be in a collar, or cuffs, I’ll put her in those. That will close the beginning of the scene. The next thing I’ll do will be based on whatever I have planned for scene.

 
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Putting It All Together

I gave you a detailed version of the beginning of my scenes to show you where I am right now. But that will continue to change over time, based on my own experiences, but more so, based on the submissive that I play with.

Even if you like the way I start a scene, realize that this is what works for me. I’m the type of person who uses BDSM scenes to relax and get into another state of mind. Maybe you and your partner have a contentious dynamic, like it’s primal, or the submissive is a brat. Much of my process won’t fit with that.

Maybe you like to catch your submissive off-guard and shake things up from the beginning. That’s going to be a very different start too.

If your scenes are all about foot worship, or whipping, then maybe all of this slow foreplay stuff won’t work for you. It might be way too slow and methodical.

That’s okay. My scene is not supposed to be a template for you or anyone else. It’s what works for me, and it’s something that has evolved over time.

The trick is for you to evaluate what helps put you both in the right state of mind the best, taking into account how to safely shut out the outside world, what your dynamic is like, and what your level of intimacy is.

Communication at the beginning of your relationship, and constantly checking in with your partner throughout the relationship, will make the beginning of the scene special for you too.
The most important thing is to make it unique for the two of you (or more), because that’s what strengthens the bond between you.

Dirk Hooper

By Dirk Hooper

Dirk Hooper is a professional writer who has done work for many high-profile online magazines, has won the Top Writer Award at Quora for three years, and a Moore Award for copywriting in 2017. He published his first erotic BDSM book under a pen name in 2018. Hooper’s articles have been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently writing an erotic novel, a kinky comic book project, and a non-fiction book about social networking. Dirk Hooper has been a proud member of the BDSM community for over two decades and has been a BDSM mentor for over ten years.

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