When I first found the kink world, I suppose what I was looking for was direction. As a submissive, little, and pet, having a guardian in the lifestyle and life was something that appealed to me. What I discovered after finding myself in lackluster partnerships, toxic pairings, and uncomfortable situations was that a part of me was looking for someone to lead me because I couldn’t lead myself. I met an interesting person in the lifestyle, quite by chance, and shortly after, we got into a Teacher/student dynamic. He is my Sensei in terms of language study, lifestyle, and life as a whole.
While lacking self-love didn’t seem surprising to me, I never really thought I should do anything about it. I wrote it off as “as long as I’m able to love others, things are okay”. However, he taught me that that way of thinking is detrimental to myself and my loved ones. As well, when you love yourself, the capacity for loving others grows exponentially — you have to fill your cup first.
There was a strange aversion to being alone with myself that I never really realized was there. I was afraid that if I would look into myself, I would find there was nothing underneath the surface. Or, that after looking, I would discover there was nothing of merit underneath my self-sacrificing tendencies and toxic positivity towards myself.
Before beginning my self-consideration with my Sensei I talked to him about it first. We had reached a point in our dynamic where things were becoming more serious and I wasn’t sure how He would feel if I claimed myself first. To my surprise, He was beyond supportive as He saw it as a great opportunity for me to cultivate self-love. He was considerate and kind enough to not only wait until after I’d claimed myself but also support me on the day of my collaring before proposing our official consideration.
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The Importance of Self Love Within the Lifestyle
After sharing these fears, my Sensei validated my feelings but encouraged me to exercise bravery and step forward into self discovery anyway. Even if there was nothing underneath, I could at least build from there — though he doubted I would find nothing of merit.
I started to think about all the things I wanted from a Dominant — safety, praise, assurance, validation, love, leadership, and support. Then I thought “do I provide these things for myself?” and realized I don’t. I had a small existential crisis because I considered the idea that maybe looking for a Dominant was a byproduct of those missing things as opposed to an organic desire.
While I have learned that is partially true about myself, cultivating self-love practices has greatly transformed the idea of having a Dominant as a “need” to a “want”. Self-love is what keeps me away from the realm of being “desperate for love” because I realize the times where I was desperate, albeit not conscious of it, I was not able to discern good matches from bad ones. I also was unable to stand up for myself in those periods of life and my tolerance for toxic behavior was much higher.
Self-love serves as my shield and sword as I navigate the world. In learning how to care for myself in a way that makes me feel happy and safe, I can distinguish between relationships and situations that do not serve me and those that enhance my life.
The 100 Day Consideration Period
After realizing that I don’t provide the things that I would like for partners, the next question was “how do I provide these things?”. Since loving myself was a foreign concept, I looked to my relationships.I considered the things my partners or friends did that I liked and took note of how they made me feel.
To go a step further, I decided to do a self-love challenge called the “100 Days of Excellence” which was designed for exploring my inner workings. It also served as an honest effort toward getting to know myself while learning to love and understand myself. It is what ultimately led to the self-collaring ceremony.
Besides, if the role of a Dominant is to guide you towards personal growth, how could I explain to a Dom or Daddy what I need and like if I didn’t know that myself?
The Collaring Ceremony
I incorporate spirituality into my kink and my self-collaring ceremony is no different. For me, kink helps me nourish my soul and mind. The ceremony took place on the day of a new moon because the new moon represents a time of beginnings. As the moon grows in size, as they say, so to does one’s goals. My ceremony was actually a day-long affair consisting of a variety of solitary activities and activities with loved ones. I wanted to go all out because spending quality time with myself had previously been a non-essential luxury.
Body Scrub Spell
I began the day with a nice, energizing shower. I imagined myself scrubbing away any lingering negative thoughts, leaving only good vibes and joy behind. I took extra time to verbally remind myself how beautiful and loved I am and imagined all my past misdeeds towards myself going down the drain. Afterwards, I made sure to adorn my body with an oil blend I made consisting mostly of coconut oil and gave myself a nice massage.
Meditation, Collaring & Personal Mantra
Following my shower, I dressed in the prettiest dress I could find — a white dress with red roses on it. Because I initially had some mental hangups with having things around my neck, I used earrings and a bracelet for my “collar” instead. The earrings had the tree of life on them and the bracelet had a special-colored bead for each chakra point. I had worked on a mantra for my collaring:Cleaning
During my 100 Days a lot of things changed. I ended a long term nesting relationship that was not fruitful and damaging to my psyche. I spent two weeks cleaning and decluttering my space. The aforementioned partner made me believe I was an unkempt person but during this time of self-discovery, I found that to be untrue. I love having a tidy space and my headspace is so much better when I’m allowed to clean how I like.
On my self-collaring day, I cleaned up the apartment and sang as I did so. Filling the room with good vibes all around.
Meal with a Platonic Loved One
Since my nesting partner left, the friendship between my roommate and I flourished. Once we got the apartment sorted out we started having Best Friend Brunches and my collaring day fell on our brunch day. I made us pancake sandwiches and we watched What We Do In The Shadows. Good food, great company, and laughter was a great boost for my spirit.
Purification Ritual
I told my roommate the importance of the day. Although she’s not particularly spiritual and is a vanilla person, she gave me time to do my rituals. I wanted to purify the house of any lingering bad energy from the past.
Time with a Romantic Loved One
My Sensei made a guest appearance to help me with my ceremony. We spent time talking and played games and I shared some of my hopes and fears about this journey of self discovery. He gave me lots of praise and pets. Knowing that taking care of myself made him proud activated my praise kink and made the day that much more sweet.
Decompress
I took time to change into another beloved, yet comfortable dress so I could relax and reflect on my love style. I love others so intensely and with such vigor, I visualized how my life would improve if I directed that same level of intensity towards myself.
Time with a Familial Loved One
I am a big proponent of the “blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” phrase. Chosen family has a special place in my heart and my younger sister is only one blood-relative that is both literal and chosen family to me. We played video games and talked about life stuff until nightfall, which was healing in its own way.
New Moon Spell
Rituals meant for growth are best done under the new moon to help them come to fruition. I wrote down what I imagined my highest self to be on some paper and burned it outside. When performing fire-related spells, the way in which the paper burns is important to the outcome of the spell. My paper burned so quickly, and with such intensity I had to drop it into my cauldron before it reached my fingers. It was a fantastic omen and, as of the date of this writing, everything I wrote has either come to pass or in the midst of coming to pass.
Bath Time
I ended my day with a nice relaxing bath. I added epsom salts, special oils and bubbles (of course). I listened to nice music and let my mind rest as my super relaxing bath worked its magic. I verbalized some nice words to myself and reiterated that not only did I make my Sensei proud, I was proud of myself too. I’ve claimed myself. I will forever own me and I’m committed to the weight of that responsibility. To be there for myself during the dark, successful, and confusing times. To never give up on myself even if the world does.
Post-Collaring
As of this writing, it’s been a year since I collared myself and since I was collared by my Sensei. We work together to cultivate self-growth and lean into my submission along the way. During this second phase of self-discovery, I was able to learn what femininity means to me and have also learned to tap into my ability to create. Spending time teaching myself to bake and being more intentional with my cooking has been a wonderful learning experience.
In terms of my submission, I’ve learned that headspace is everything and in order to have the headspace for fun, mind-blowing, transformative play, I have to do my part in maintaining my health and wellness. While some may find this side of things lackluster compared to being tied up, spanked, and the like — I find this aspect of my kink essential.
When I care for myself by taking breaks when I need to, staying active throughout my day, allowing myself to relax, and fueling my body appropriately, I am able to be more present with my Sensei and tap into my slut, puppy, or middle space more easily.
Through exploration, I’ve created systems that foster self-love so that I can be a better submissive, love more deeply, and experience more stress-free pleasure. I don’t’ want kink to be an escape from a down-trodden reality, I want it to bring a zesty flair to my life and I can only do that through this work.
By Scarlette Hemsworth
Scarlette is a polyamorous kinkster, freelance writer, sex worker, and indie author based out of California. She was introduced to the kink world in 2018 and identifies as a 24/7 little, sub, and ABDL. Scarlette enjoys watching anime, playing video games, and building terrariums in her spare time.
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