Something that I appreciate about the kink world is that there is space to explore myself to the fullest extent. I get to define my own meaning, discover hidden layers through play, and choose how I express myself in a non-judgmental community. Throughout my kink journey, I’ve come to understand what femininity looks like for me as well as found space to relish and lean into that femininity. In my vanilla life, up to this point, I did not have the opportunity to be as feminine as I would have liked to be so BDSM has offered me the space to reclaim the person I feel like I am.
Now, that is not to say that “feminine” and “masculine” are mutually exclusive with gender, gender expression, or sexuality. I believe we each possess feminine and masculine energy within us, and each has its place and purpose.
Sharing is Sexy, make sure you share with your friends you sexy thing
Masculine and Feminine
The way that I view the masculine and feminine for myself is something that has developed over the course of my life. Not only through research but also from what I’ve resonated with by observing the behaviors of others. One thing that I love about my experiences within the kink community specifically is that everyone can have a personalized experience. My definition doesn’t have to match everyone else’s and vice versa and there is a general acceptance for defining things for yourself.
When I’m tapping into that masculine energy, I’m in a more Dominant state and my goal is to use that energy to get things done, make tough decisions, and push through the diversity that life brings. When I’m tapping into my feminine energy, I’m much more submissive and I use that energy to be more vulnerable and creative, as well as growth and healing-centric.
While both are important, in my personal life there has been an imbalance of these energies. For years I didn’t have the knowledge to realize what the problem was. Exploring BDSM and kink has provided additional context for framing how I express myself. I found a lot of pleasure and comfort in being in a more feminine role and realized kink was an avenue to create that balance.
Similar to how I might experience littlespace or subspace, I feel like tapping into my masculine and feminine energy is the same but something I had done up to this point on a less intentional level. After being exposed to the lifestyle, I can now tap into those energies intentionally which has not only improved the quality of my life but also has made me feel more authentic.
Intertwining My Feminine Energy Into Kink
Tapping into my femininity or being in a feminine headspace has its own place and time for me—like being little for example. While I am a 24/7 little, there are particular times and places where I can fully get into that headspace. In my personal life, there have been either no spaces or extraordinarily few spaces for me to be feminine. BDSM has not only shown me that I enjoy being in the feminine but also it provides many more opportunities for me to operate within and explore that side of myself.
When I first learned about the “feminization” kink for example, I became interested immediately. At first, I wasn’t sure what drew me to it, but after picking it apart, what appeals to me is that the bottom is either forced to be in the feminine or gently regressed into a feminine state. Even though it is traditionally intended for men and seems to be in the context of using femininity to degrade rather than uplift, I realized I wanted that for myself—to be made more feminine.
Expression Through Actions
Similar to how I express my littleness, I do tie certain behaviors and garments to my femininity. That is not to say that there should be some over-arching standard of what femininity should look like. I tend to cherry-pick from both a traditional and modern view of what feminine energy looks and behaves like. In my current dynamic, my Dominant helps me explore safely what definitions resonate the most with me.
For example, I consider cigar service to be incredibly feminine but it’s not something I’m interested in partaking in. On the other hand, I find the color pink to be very feminine and I love it. My definition has evolved quite a bit but being able to discover what I like and don’t like has been incredibly empowering.
Dressing Up
Something that I always considered a feminine thing to do is dressing up—to make oneself as pretty or sensual as possible. I noticed a lot of the clothing associated with feminization and 50’s household kink is dresses and that appealed to me. In combination with how I was socialized, I find myself feeling much more feminine while wearing dresses and that’s something I told my Dom I wanted to incorporate into our dynamic.
So for a scene, I’ll usually choose a dress or anything that compliments my body. I’ll choose fabrics that hug me in just the right places and accentuate my feminine features. Certain tasks like cleaning involve more feminine clothing and I appreciate that. I also have a special apron for cooking, cleaning, and gardening.
Creation
I’ve always associated femininity with creation, but I never felt like it was limited to only the little human-making kind. That deep-seated need to create comes out in different forms. Through my stories, poems, artwork, music, gardening, and cooking. I feel much more aligned with my feminine side when I do activities that involve creation but before finding BDSM it wasn’t as easy to incorporate those things into my day-to-day life.
However, all the things I associate with femininity have seeped their way into our protocols and scenes. With cooking, for example, my Dominant and I had been exploring tea service for some time and with permission, I began incorporating my cooking skills into that service. Every so often I will serve a small snack that I’ve made alongside the tea. I’ll even wear a pretty apron and put some music on while doing so. It has become a fun submissive act for me.
Vulnerability
To be vulnerable is to lay yourself in the open and show yourself or others the real you. While it’s not exclusive to gender by any means, traditionally vulnerability is considered a feminine or submissive quality and I feel much more feminine when being vulnerable.
Dynamics provide (or they should provide) a safe space to practice vulnerability. As a submissive, I open myself up to receive what my Dominant provides—whether that be knowledge, punishment, or care, and these are intentionally designed to help me improve the quality of my life. My submission, in turn, is intentionally designed to allow for such transformation.
Growth-Centric
In the same vein as creation, growth is something I’ve also tied to my femininity and submission. Growth requires a solid foundation, nutrients, and positive conditions. In a dynamic sense, while I may hold the power to grow into something amazing, my Dominant provides the foundation through structure, the nutrients through care, and positive conditions through discipline and accountability.
Working towards my growth by not only following along with the structure my dynamic provides but also cultivating practices outside of the dynamic to help me in other areas of life.
Providing Space
“Submission is a gift” is something I heard pretty early on in my kink journey. While I do agree that the submissive does hold a lot of the power, saying that it is a “gift” invites the idea that the recipient is not expected to do anything in return. This is not true for power dynamics, as the top is expected to take action in exchange for submission —whether that be praise, impact, structure, etc.
My Dominant explained that the submissive has another important role. They provide the space for the Dominant to practice their leadership. A dynamic is a safe space for both the Dom and sub to explore who they are, what they like, and test out things together.
For me, I took a deeper meaning from that concept. Feminine energy feels very safe to me— to be feminine is to be a provider of safe space. I try to cultivate that space not just within myself but also outside myself by making my home a safe space as well. I take a lot of joy in keeping my space clean, bright, and welcoming. I buy fresh flowers every month, I am very intentional about my home decor, and when hosting events, I make things comfortable for my guests. Within my dynamic, that’s taken the form of chores. Which not only helps with my feminine headspace but also my littlespace as well (which I enjoy immensely).
Femininity in Vanilla World
The idea of what is “feminine” has evolved a lot over the years and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Carl Jung says, “Do not play the expected gender role but rather, create the one that suits you” and I think for me, my role is rooted in my creation, healing, and vulnerability. What I do think is harmful is trying to suppress that side of myself or intentionally rejecting what resonates with me because I may fear rejection.
I haven’t been in the lifestyle very long, but I do feel much more in tune with my feminine side than ever before. One of the laws of nature that Robert Green writes about is “The Law of Gender Rigidity” and it speaks on reconnecting to the masculine and feminine within you. “Do not be afraid to bring out the more sensitive or ambitious sides to your character. These repressed parts of you are yearning to be let out”.
For me, my feminine was repressed for many years. At some point, after I discovered I’m more comfortable operating in the feminine, I started exploring cultivating more femininity in my daily life. I started cooking more meals, baking, and intentionally dressing cute. I allow myself to be more vulnerable and open. Through my dynamic, I’ve also learned to be more selective of who I share that side of myself with.
By Scarlette Hemsworth
Scarlette is a polyamorous kinkster, freelance writer, sex worker, and indie author based out of California. She was introduced to the kink world in 2018 and identifies as a 24/7 little, sub, and ABDL. Scarlette enjoys watching anime, playing video games, and building terrariums in her spare time.
Copyright 2008-2023 BDSMTrainingAcademy.com
By reading and accepting this article you agree to all of the following: You understand that this is simply a set of opinions, personal experience and anecdotal evidence (and not advice). You are responsible for any use of the information in this article, and hold BDSMTrainingAcademy.com and all members and affiliates harmless in any claim or event.
You must be 18+ years old to read this blog
BDSM Protocols: Part 1 – Introduction
I feel like the least-likely guy on the Earth to w...
How to Embrace Submission in Your Vanilla Life
The vanilla world is one realm where Dominants can...
Submissive And Empowered
Accepting yourself for who you are and having the ...
