Submissive Question: Can You Serve And Love Your Dominant?

I received this question a number of times, so I thought I should answer it.  Many submissives find themselves serving a Dominant that they respect, admire, and appreciate.  Eventually there comes a time after loyally serving when a submissive may develop feelings for the Dominant.  The question you may ask is:

Is it ok to be in love with a Dominant?

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Master Bishop’s Response

Without a doubt, a submissive can love a Dominant and serve them at the same time.  In fact, I would find it difficult to believe that a submissive would not eventually fall in love with a Dominant that they served.  If as a submissive, you have been picky and selective about the Dominant you choose to serve then it should be very easy to fall in love.  This is a person who you hold in higher regard than everybody else in your life (with the exception of your parents and select other few).

• Your Dominant gives you everything you need and desire in life.
• A strong hand to keep you on path, a keen eye to notice your shortcomings
• A strict demeanor to ensure things are done properly
• While Giving you the soft gentle support you need when things become too tough
• A sensual passion to ensure you feel attractive at all times
• The trust to know that they will always be there

When you finally find someone that you trust and respect enough to submit too, you make yourself extremely vulnerable.  This helps to strengthen the bond between you and your Dom/me.  Developing strong feelings for your Dom/me and falling in love is inevitable.

Love also helps in your service to your Dom/me.  Instead of just doing what you are told because being submissive turns you on, you will do your absolute best to please your Dominant because you want to make the person you love happy.  Relationships can only be happy and complete, if both parties are committed to satisfying the others needs and desires. This is why Dominant and submissive relationships works so well, because both parties are doing just that.

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The Problem Is Not Being In Love With Your Dominant

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The reason I wanted to discuss this topic today is that because many submissives think there is a problem with falling in love or caring for their Dominant.  That is not the problem, where things become problematic is when:

1) The Dominant has no desire to reciprocate those same feelings.  Many Dominants are just looking for a submissive to serve their desires.  The sub is meant as a means to an end and nothing more.  The Dominant doesn’t invest any emotions into the interaction and has no desire to provide the submissive with what they need or desire within a relationship.

This becomes a problem because the relationship only goes one way.  The submissive invests everything emotionally, mentally and physically to the relationship. This is not a healthy relationship.  While its true there is an inequality in the power dynamic, there should always between an equal amount of give and take in meeting both partners (Dominant or submissive) needs and desires. It can emotionally crush a submissive to give everything and become so vulnerable to someone who will never view you as anything more than a pleasure device.

If you find yourself developing feelings to a Dominant that has none or has stated in your contract (or else where) that this interaction is purely physical, than you need to rethink about your desire to serve such a Dominant.

2) The feelings of love you have turn into obsession.  The point of a Dom/sub relationship is to develop a loving relationship that help the both of you to become better people.  While your focus should mainly be on your Dominant, this does not mean that you should be lost without your Dominant around.  You are still a human being, who needs to have a life, interests, perhaps work and hobbies outside of your service.  If you find you have:

* Anxiety/stress when your Dominant is not around. This is called a withdrawal symptom, this is not love that you are feeling, its a symptom of being away from what you are addicted too.
* You can not make a simple decision like what to have for lunch or which toothbrush to buy without your Dominant
* You can never stop thinking about your Dominant, causing you to focus on thoughts such as:

-An overwhelming fear of your Dom/me leaving you forever (abandonment)
-Feelings of mistrust developing, which cause you to feel depressed and resentful to your Dom/me
-Unfounded thoughts of your Dom/me cheating on you
-The need to be in constant contact with your Dom/me
-The feeling that your Dom/me should not have a need to talk with other people or have a life outside of your relationship

* Loss of self-esteem
* extreme feelings of self-blame and self-hatred
* Suicidal thoughts or feelings

This is not love and its not submission, this is obsession.  Obsession is when the obsessed person tries to control the person they are obsessed with and make them feel the way they want them to feel. They want to isolate and own their obsession.

Love is an emotion that helps to bind and strengthen a relationship.  Its about nurturing and helping the person you love to grow. It helps to bring out the best of both partners and leaves a trail of happy peaceful feelings in their wake.  However to share your love you must be coming from an emotionally healthy place first and foremost.  Lastly, you must choose someone who is capable of receiving that love wholeheartedly and be capable of giving you love in return.

I think the real question should be, why would you want to serve someone who you could never even see falling in love with?

Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings about serving with or without love by leaving a comment below.

Regards,

Master Bishop

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