What do I do when I feel neglected and instead of talking about it I let it build up until I have an emotional outburst and get released? 🙁
Or does it just mean I was neglected because I was unwanted…just like I felt like…
Master Bishop’s Response
First things first, BDSM is NOT a way to deal with emotional problems. Ask yourself, do you only feel neglect with your Master, or do you experience the feeling of neglect within most of your relationships (including friends, family and/or past relationship)? If this is a common feeling among many of your relationships, you may be dealing with something that is more psychologically based and you should seek out the attention of a qualified therapist. You can’t expect the play that you enjoy in the bedroom to cure you of any problems you might be facing internally.
If you don’t feel that you have an issue that requires more intensive therapy (or you get help for this first), then you can start looking at WHY you feel neglected in this relationship. First, think about what isn’t working, why it isn’t working (such as how it makes you feel) and what needs to change.
With that said, a Master doesn’t know how to be a better Master for you if they don’t hear about the problem. When you keep things to yourself, you’re not only doing a disservice to yourself, but also to him. And that’s not a good way to be a submissive.
While it might seem like a Master is or should be a mind reader, this is far from the case. They’re human, just like you. And like many humans, if they are not told what is wrong, they probably don’t know. Then when someone finally burst out in anger about the problems and its the first time a Dominant has heard about the problem, they will give a knee jerk reaction to the shocking news that they have received. Which means they will respond with their emotions to counter your emotional outburst. Which is a lose-lose situation for the both of you.
You need to make room in your relationship to talk about the things that are bothering you and give your Dominant an opportunity to talk about the things that are bothering him. And this begins with looking at yourself and your behaviors first. Please understand, I’m not blaming you in this situation, but its important that whenever you face any problem that you look at yourself first and what you may have done to create this situation.
Did you ask your Master to neglect you or to have him treat you like less of a human? Many submissives enjoy this type of treatment and you may have suggested to him that this is what you wanted. If so, then obviously you don’t like it and that is ok, at least you know that now.
What isn’t clear in your question is whether you enjoy the feelings of neglect from time to time. These can often be something that some submissives (and you may not be one of them) enjoy because it makes them feel less powerful and more controlled emotionally. Essentially, it makes them feel submissive to their Dominant.
Once you understand your feelings and the part you have played in bringing the relationship to this point (remember there are two people in every relationship), you can then sit down and talk with your Master in a calm and respectful manner. Let him know you are suffering in your relationship, you feel neglected and that it makes you feel bad as a person and as a submissive. Sit down with him and be honest about your own part in the matter. You haven’t spoken up, and that’s problematic.
If the neglect is coming from Dominant, it might just be his style of Domination. He may just think that all submissives want to be neglected because that is what he has always experienced. There might be something in his personal life that is weighing him down and is translating to neglect of you. The point is he might not see that he is hurting you, so unless you tell him, he may never know. If he never knows, he will never be able to correct it.
Or he might just be a dick and he gets off treating people badly. Especially people who he is close with because it makes him feel better. Whatever the case, you need to talk to him to find out. You can easily figure out what the problem is by how responsive and supportive he is to your calm respectful discussion with him.
If in your searching you find that the problem delves deeper then just neglect, but actually stems from the fact that you are having troubles trusting your Master with hearing your feelings, this is a deeper issue. Has your Master given you reasons to not trust him? Do you not trust yourself? In either case, things need to change.
I would recommend you start your relationship on a new page, beginning with working on open communication and trusting each other. Once you have reestablished communication and built trust again (via shorter training sessions, more responsibility on your part and on his to fulfill the needs of the partner, etc.), you will begin to see that you are being trained in a certain way for a certain reason.
But if you still find that you are having troubles with the trust concern, then this might simply be a sign that you’re not with the right partner. Not every BDSM relationship works itself out – and this is okay too. Just remember, there is no Dom/sub relationship without trust and open communication.
There is another Master out there for you, one that you can trust with your feelings and who will be more willing to give you the protection and care that you desire. Just because you have decided to be a submissive, it does not mean you have to accept every way a Dominant decides to treat you. When you find a Dominant that cares, then you’ll find the initial excitement you enjoyed – and you’ll be a better submissive for realizing this.
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