Domme Question:
I am new and I love your emails on how to.
My friend has introduced me to BDSM and he is the submissive one.
This really gets me going. I get hot just thinking about it.
My prob. with being the Dome is that I am a pleaser and I am way too gentle.
I like to relax him before I take it any further but this only leads to me taking care of him.
Do you have any suggestions for me?
How do I get what it is I want first without feeling like I am robbing him of his fantasy?
He loves being down grated and I have no idea why but it seems to work.
What steps should I take to become more Dome than here I am to gently take care of you?
Do you have any suggestions on how I can get my own mind set on giving orders rather than pampering?
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Mistress Brianne’s Opinion
First of all, I’m glad that you’re finding the emails helpful. Everyone needs some help in the beginning of any new endeavor, and asking for help is never a bad thing.
Here’s what you need to know right now that you might not understand yet – there is no wrong way to be a Domme or a submissive. While you might see a lot of descriptions of what these folks ‘should’ do, that doesn’t mean that every relationship looks like the one in movies or in porn films. Hardly.
What you need to remember is this motto: if it works for you, then it works for you. So long as everyone is staying safe in the relationship, there’s really no reason to change it.
Now, if you’re unhappy or your partner is unhappy with what’s happening, then you do need to change things up. In this letter, it sounds like you’re the one that’s unhappy with the way that you’re dominating him. But I would encourage you to look at this in another way.
When you’re gentle with him and you want to relax him before the experience, you are making him take his guard down. This can work to your advantage. While you might think you need to be a hard ass all the time, when you aren’t, it’s actually MORE effective when you turn on the degradation.
Since your sub will never know what to expect from you, they’re going to be on their toes and trying to please you, which is what you want, isn’t it? Instead of focusing so much on having to be ‘Domme’ all the time, think about how you can become more comfortable as the Domme you want to be.
There are plenty of dominatrixes and Dommes out there who are soft and sweet and gentle…until they’re not. And that’s what works for them. This can work for you too.
If your submissive is telling you that you’re robbing him of his experience, then yes, you need to play a little bit more hardball when you’re in the bedroom. But this is YOUR experience too, so you can start with your gentleness, and then move into the humiliation and all of the other things that your submissive might want you to do to them and for them.
Stop and talk with your submissive about what they want and then tell them what you want. Somewhere in that conversation, you will begin to realize that there’s room for both of you. And you’ll both get off from the experience when you’re both happy.
Forcing something that you’re not isn’t going to work. But if you really want to become the hard ass Domme, then you’ll just have to keep working at it until it becomes more natural. Trust me, you can do it.
To learn more about unleashing your inner Dominant check out Dominant Training Techniques
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Regards,
Mistress Brianne
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I’d say the answer depends on to what extent you are a people pleaser. Is this something that troubles you in all areas of life, or is it something that pops up only when you try to be a hard ass?
If this is a problem you have in all areas of life, you might want to consider some kind of counseling, or at least reading books about assertiveness and practicing more assertive habits.
People often compulsively please others for the reassurance that comes from the other person’s pleased reaction. You could think of being a domme as a way to practice more self assured behavior. Like Mrs. Brianne said, there isn’t really a right or wrong way to do it, so you should feel free to try different things and adapt in light of the results without being anxious or worried. It’s all in good fun, right?
If this is only an issue when you try to be a hard ass, it’s probably just the usual uncertainties that go along with doing anything new. In anything you set out to do, you have to explore what works and what doesn’t and then respond accordingly. Like Mrs. Brianne said, talking about how things are going with your sub will point you in the right direction.