During your time as a submissive, you will experience great highs and great lows. While you might have performed exceptionally at one point, you may have an off day and then feel like a failure. Or you might simply have a day when you feel as though you can’t please your Dominant, no matter how hard you try. Though these feelings are normal, they can be debilitating if you don’t work through them. Those who simply turn a day of failure into a label of ‘failure’ may never be able to pick themselves up again, and that signals the end of being a successful submissive and relationship.
You’ve Made A Mistake…Now What?
First, just because you failed in your duty, failed in a task or made a mistake, you must understand that does not make you a failure. Even if you’re a submissive in a committed relationship with a Dominant, you are still human. You are still apt to make mistakes and to falter in your duties. This is going to happen, and even the best Dominant can’t stop mistakes from occurring. I’m positive even your Dominant has made mistakes as well, W/we all do.
The best starting point after a misstep is to remember that there’s nothing you can do to reverse what has happened. It happened, it’s what you do after it happens that defines who you are and determines your life moving forward.
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Apologize
If you are truly sorry for your failure or mistake apologize and ask for forgiveness. Not just to your Dominant or those involved but to yourself as well. Don’t beat yourself up and spiral into negative thoughts of how it should never of happened. None of these thoughts will help to rectify the situation.
Ask your Dominant if you can talk about the situation and what you feel the mistake was, if they haven’t already pointed out what the mistake was during the scene. From there, you can start to work together to see if there are other issues that popped up along the way
Figure Out What Happened
Just like a crime scene investigation, you and your Dominant can look back over the scene to see what happened before the point of the mistake. This might happen immediately during the scene, or you might want to talk about it later. Often, it’s better to talk about it later when you have both cooled down and gotten some distance from the situation.
- When did it happen? – Track back in the scene when the mistake happened so you can begin to see how the events played out. Try to figure out the exact moment or moments that something went wrong.
- What exactly happened? – Describe what you feel went wrong at that moment and then have your Dominant describe what they felt went wrong. You might find that you both have different ideas about the mistake, and that one of you might not have considered it problematic.
- What might have caused the mistake to happen? – If you do agree that something went wrong, or even if just one of you does, try to think about your frame of mind at that moment. What happened? Did something distract you? Did something hurt? Did something out of the ordinary happen? Where were your thoughts in the moment?
The more you can review the process and the problem, the more you will be able to understand the issue – and then take steps to avoid this in the future.
Challenging Your Emotions
No matter what happens in any relationship, you are going to have emotions about it. And handling those emotions effectively will help you move past points of failure more rapidly.
You can then challenge your emotions by understanding them. Instead of calling them good or bad, you can notice them, see how they are impacting your life, and then try to let them go.
Consider what it would be like to NOT be angry or sad about what happened. Consider what you might tell a friend if they were in your situation. Would you tell them to be angry at themselves? Probably not. So, why are you telling yourself to be angry at yourself?
Giving Yourself Permission to Make Mistakes
Even if your job is to be perfect for your Dominant, you are going to make mistakes. Sit down with your Dominant to talk about what happens when things don’t go as planned. What do they expect from you? What can you do to make repairs, if needed?
Some submissives find it helpful to hear from their Dominant that they can make mistakes. Ask your Dominant if that is something they might do. Even if you still need to make up for the mistake, knowing that your Master or Mistress won’t think less of you can help you release that feeling of being a failure.
Learn, Learn, Learn
In the end, the most we can do with our mistakes is to learn from them. When we can take something away from the experience and make it an opportunity to grow, mistakes are helpful – and not harmful.
- Remind yourself – That pain, frustration, mistakes, failures and challenges are what allow U/us all to grow as people and as kinksters.
- Try being in the situation again – Whatever situation you were in that led to the mistake before, try being in that situation again. Show yourself that you can succeed and you won’t be stuck in the story of failure.
- Practice Makes Perfect – If you didn’t know how to do something or you didn’t do it as well as you wanted to, try practicing the move on your own, for example. The more you can practice, the less likely you are to screw up.
- Assess your own performance – You need to care about your performance and your actions all the time. Ask yourself how you can improve in each scene, and you’ll start to look at missteps as further ways to grow in your role.
- Move on – No matter what happens, mistakes will occur. If you can move on quickly, they won’t weigh you down.
You can have emotions and you’re allowed to make mistakes. Just don’t let either stop you from being the amazing submissive you already are.
It is not the blaming or the self doubt that show who we really are. It is the action we take when things become difficult that show who we are. In that action is where we will find happiness and joy in life and in service. Submission is not meant to be easy, if it were more people would want to be submissive. Submission is about facing your challenges and see them as opportunities to grow. Allowing you to shine even in the most difficult of circumstances and thereby showing the world how amazing you truly are.
To Your Continued Growth,
Master Bishop
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 14 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+
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