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How To Tell The Difference Between Fake And Real Dominants

Choosing the Dominant that you want to serve is a serious decision. One that is taken far too lightly but in fact should not be. Making yourself mentally and physically vulnerable to the wrong person can have terrible repercussions. A genuine Dominant can produce a supportive relationship that will allow a submissive to feel safe enough to be their true self thus allowing for more intense experiences.

With that said, it only takes a submissive a very short period of time searching for a Dominant or weeding through the hundreds of horny email requests to realize of the many people claiming to be Dominant only a few truly are. Depending on who you speak with or what survey has been completed, the numbers can range between 1 real Dominant for every 10 – 1000 submissives. The numbers can also vary depending upon gender, orientation and BDSM interests. This means that you are going to come across more fakers than real Dominants in your search. Before you become frustrated and give up, here are some differences to watch for when you have just met someone claiming to be Dominant to help distinguish between the fakers and the real Deal.

Fake Vs Real Dominants Infographic

Dominant Tests

Ask Questions: Ask questions about things you don’t know about BDSM and things you do know about BDSM. A good Dominant will be more than happy to answer any questions you may have. A bad or fake Dominant will refuse to answer questions, or explain that they shouldn’t have to answer questions. This also goes for asking questions about the Dominant’s personal life.

Just Say No: When you are speaking with a new Dominant online, on the phone or over coffee in a public space, most will make a request at some point. This could be to have a play scene, attend a fetish event together, to collar you, etc. As best as you can, kindly turn down the offer.

“Thank you, but I would prefer to get to know you better before playing.”

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel comfortable going to public events yet.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have an interest in that kind of kink”

A real Dominant has no problems with rejection and will handle it with grace. They will understand you decision and respect it.

For many fake Dominants a switch will be flicked and their whole demeanor will change. They will become angry, argumentative and incensed. Better to see this childish overly demanding threatening behavior now rather than later.

How Do They Treat Others: Want to know how this future Dominant is going to treat you, see how they treat others around them. Do they treat people in customer service/waiting staff with respect? How do they treat their friends? How do they treat your friends? What kind of relationship do they have with their family and how do they treat them?

If you can’t answer these fairly straight forward questions you probably don’t know enough about this person to be locked in a room with them.

Will recognizing these traits and using these tests ensure 100% that a Dominant is real? Of course not, nothing in this life is guaranteed all we can do is everything in our power to ensure we are safe while learning as much as we can about another person before ever deciding to engage with them.

I wish you all the best in your search for the Dominant of your dreams.

Do you have any traits you look for in determining if a Dominant is fake or real? Do you have any tests you use? Or if you just have a horror story about a nightmare of a Dominant please leave a comment below.


Master Bishop

The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 14 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+


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  • My sub was with ,, I wouldn’t say a “fake” dom just a bad dom. I have spent the last year having her find herself so she can become a more complete submissive

  • The Isolator-

    I have a nightmare story that cost me dearly. Bill got to me when I was vulnerable, it was 6 years before I was finally able to get him out of my life. Sadly the damage was permanent- over $20,000 in debts, 2 children placed for adoption- ( he claimed they weren’t his and proof that I had cheated). He also killed my cat- whom I shared a very strong emotional bond.

    The warning here is to beware of the Isolator.

    He is a man who likes to things his way. To achieve this he will separate his target from family and friends. Often this includes mental games and emotional manipulation to convince his target that it’s best to sever ties. One key part is constantly moving locations, after convincing me that it’d be a great idea to live together with the Isolator in my life maneuvered us to many different addresses. Each one would be farther from my friends and family than the previous.

    Once this is done, the slave mentality sets in- he will do nothing and complain if nothing gets done or if things are dirty. With mine, I was expected to do all of the housework, pay the bills, etc while he lounged on the couch watching his TV programs and movies.

    With regards to personal attachments and other friendships and relationships, the Isolator may have many of them but allows his target none. He will deprive his slave of contact with others. This may include pets. As I mentioned, mine killed my cat. Once he had me so far away from them that my family and friends refused to make the drive to visit- he poisoned my cat.

    All I had left was him and he didn’t care about my pain, my heartbreak, or misery- I was expected to clean house and perform for him in bed. If I refused, there were fights, arguments, and accusations of seeing someone else. In the mean time – he would spend his money foolishly, go out when he wanted, and spend time with other people- leaving me isolated and alone with no means to reach out to anyone for help.

    It’s only to the thanks of another person who saw what was going on and offered to help that I was able to break free of this animal.

    After Bill, I buried the submissive in me, denying this part of me because I related ‘her’ to my experience with Bill.

    It’s now 2017, 21 years since he was evicted from my life. My only regrets from this experience are the death of my cat Pita and abandoning my other cats Wizard and Stormy. I miss them more than I can express.

    With regards to the BDSM- he claimed he was a Dom, that it’s what he wanted. I overheard him once tell a friend about me- “she’s a Libra, that makes her perfect to be a submissive”

    – okay yes, I am a Libra, but that has nothing- zero, zilch, to do with being submissive. There is no legitimate connection to justify this claim.

    I digress- With him there was no negotiation, no agreements, it was “I want to try this, we’re going to do it.” And often his wants left marks on my body for more than a week. The very first thing he tried- tying me to the bed- I lost the circulation in my hands and feet. The rope impressions stayed for days. Why did I let this happen some have asked- my answer is that he had broken me, And his mental games kept me down.

    Fast forward to today. I met Ed on April 30th. I had no idea what I was in for with him. What I did know was that he flirted, made me laugh, and made me feel comfortable in his presence. Within a month, I was in his arms and the way he treated me was like a 180* from Bill. Like I said- he made me laugh, he flirted, time with him was fun. And it continues to be. Our first time together, he did something I never thought would happen. Just from the way he treated me, and I don’t mean the touching, (although the cuddling is awesome) he made me want to submit- to surrender. He woke up this part of me that I had denied for so long.

    Another example of the difference- is the collar. Bill wanted to slap a strip if anything around my neck- rope, metal, whatever. Ed has been taking his time and painstakingly searching for just the right one.

    It’s going on 3 months now and I feel damned lucky to have met Ed and to have him in my life. I feel spoiled by the simplest things like being with me, flirting, making me laugh. He also teaches me, helping me to learn and understand what this really is and what it’s about. He also inspires and challenges me- which is something that’s just as important as any form of attention.

    Yeah, I’m spoiled and it has nothing to do with spending money. You could say that it’s because he woke me up and helped me to reconnect with this part od who I am without fear, intimidation, or mind games.

    Even though I didn’t know about this part of him that night- I have thanked him for being the one who was there when I was finally ready to meet someone new ( in general). It could have been another Bill at that dance party- but I lucked out this time. And I’m thankful that it was Ed.

  • Thank you very much. I understand the basics of Dom searching, it is very frustrating. Your information is wonderful and quite welcome! I would like to respectfully request permission to use the pic above to post on my page. Thank you again for your wisdom.

  • What if you were accidentally a pretender… You hurt your sub emotionally. Are you forever locked in that fate or is it possible through open communication and guidance of some one experienced and therapy that I can makes sure to never be a pretender again? He says he is scare I cant fix how I did this and after everything I see online it looks like I will forever be abusive. I dont want that please help me. I dont want to hurt the ones I love unless they really want me to.

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