How To Take Proper Care Of Your Dom

Dominant/submissive bad daysIf this is not the top concern I hear from submissives, then it’s at least in the top three.  your Dominant spends a lot of time, and energy protecting and caring for you.  How does a submissive go about doing the same in return?

Svana took the time to really express how she feels about taking care of her Dom.  It is beautifully written and expressed and I think every submissive should read it, if not memorize it.  I hope it helps with your Dom/sub relationship.

Thanks again to Svana for creating such an amazing article.

Master Bishop

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Recently I had a new friend ask me, in a frustrated moment, “How do you take care of a Dom?!?” I took a moment an asked him what was wrong. He filled me in that he was in the loving throes of a brand new D/s dynamic…his first of it’s kind. We talked for a long while and I gave him my knee jerk reaction. I’ve been captivated by the topic ever since. I wanted to create a guideline for myself on how to take care of a Dominant. I consider those I submit to to be extraordinary. These are singular men. I want to make sure that they know that I know that I’ve found something rare and precious in him.

I was struck by the question. I realized right then and there that this was an excellent query, worth more than a moment’s consideration. There are many posts on taking proper care of your sub, aftercare, taking feelings into account during play…and I realized there were far fewer on how we, as submissives, should care for our Dominants. Let’s consider who we’re talking about. Whether we’re talking about Male or Female Dominants we are talking about people. Full-fledged every day folk who have bad days, good days, up and down days, and every other kind of day that you have as a submissive…person.

Dominants are expected to be strong. We hope they’re strong enough to guide us/ care for us on our journey…such trust there is in a D/s relationship! In power exchange I get to slowly hand over the power I have over myself and my decisions to him. Why? Because he’s worth it. Because I trust him enough to give everything I have/am to him. I watch him, please him, love him…what pressure our loving Masters must be under!! I realized that having someone watch me lead by example and hand their body to me for safekeeping…would eventually feel like pressure. The pressure to never fail, never have a bad moment, and often we hold them to superhuman standards. Most days they succeed in being our Supermen. Most days we get to adore them and give ourselves over completely to their (our) most delicious secrets/ desire/ needs…but what about the bad days?

What about the day Daddy comes home from work after getting laid off? Maybe just a writeup or a speeding ticket? Something human…just a bad day. On that day how do we care for them? How do we show them that we care about their feelings too? The first is to remember they are human and have feelings and that BDSM is work. We choose to live in an intense world full of intense dynamics.

Why? It’s worth it.

For the Dominant side…they make the decisions. Decisions are hard work. Remember when I said “get to” give away decisions…some days i don’t want to decide squat. They put work into scene ideas, often they buy/make/carry all the toys and use you. They also have a vested interest in who you are and your personal well being. It seems like caring for a very rare, very fun, very high maintenance pet. Sometimes they need a breather. I can completely understand why. Has anyone ever owned a large cat? They take hours of care a day. They eat more than you can imagine. They can eat you. I still think they’re a lot less maintenance than a full time submissive. We need to, as submissives, be aware of how much work goes into BDSM – emotionally and physically – for both sides. We’re not the only ones baring our souls here.

I realized it’s so simple and elegant…and Dominants are often easier than vanilla guys to care for. Why? Because most of the time they’ll tell you what they want. Simplicity…for the sake of the post I’m speaking of male Dominants. What are they? Men. People. Take care of them in special ways specific to your dynamic…and then do something else. Take into consideration that these men may just want to cuddle and lie on the couch. Do his laundry for him or make a special meal. Cut him some slack to be human. Be there for him…that’s what we get to do to thank them for what they do for us. Act like a particularly subbie girlfriend…remember when we fawned over and woo’ed our men?

Be open and honest in your communication. If you don’t tell him what you need he will not know intrinsically. You must be willing to be brave and emotionally vulnerable to truly care for your Dominant and to honestly expect him to take care of you. If you are available in every way then you will learn what he needs even on the days when he doesn’t feel so Domly. Sometimes a gentle hug or a sweet kiss…no lusty overtones…just a kiss to say “I empathize…I’m sorry you’re having a bad day…I’m here for you if you need me for anything.”

Allow him to talk to you…and be interested. We get the lion’s share of the attention in this dynamic. When he’s emotionally drained or just kinda mentally beat up then we should help to recharge him. If he needs to talk, allow him the space to vent. Even if it’s about you. Sometimes it’s as simple as giving him time to play his video games or something fun and mundane like getting out of town with friends. We live in an intense world full of intense interactions and intense protocol…and once in awhile everyone needs a break.

If he’s tired/drained/done with this day…don’t pressure him to play. How would you feel if your cat died and he came home and dominated you? I would feel bad about it…on top of which my freaking cat died…worse day. I hate feeling pressured…constricted…micromanaged. If I hate it odds are good he does too.

Don’t nag or pressure. Don’t act out for attention because you want it when he doesn’t have the emotional energy to give it to you. Give him a break. let the man eat a cheeseburger and watch a ballgame without having to put on his superhero cape. If you’re good to him and help his heart heal maybe he’ll put his cape back on tomorrow. Today, love this human being who is such a rare and precious find.

Live in your moment. Remember that you never get this time back. You get the future. Enjoy it. Enjoy him. Enjoy every bit of intimacy you explore. Remember that if he has a bad day and you treat him with respect, empathy, kindness…he’s likely to do the same for you when you let your best friend cut your hair and you end up with a mullet. Bad days happen for us all. If we’re really lucky we have someone’s support to help us through. This is universal and applies to both sides of the slash.

  • Recognize he’s human.
  • Recognize that BDSM is intense and it is work.
  • Be empathetic, kind, and available.
  • Remember that you’re _getting to_ give your decisions away…just like your submission is a gift – as is his Dominance.

Live in this moment and recognize it’s a fleeting thing. This moment never comes around again. How you behave will shape your future. Remember that every action has an opposite reaction. Ripples in a pond.

Svana

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5 thoughts on “How To Take Proper Care Of Your Dom”

  1. Exceptional writing, Thank you for sharing. i could not agree more.
    Being attentive to my Master’s emotional needs is a responsibility i take extremely seriously. Providing Him with downtime or cuddle time or just venting time is healthy and healing for Him and it provides me the perfect opportunity to show Him how grateful and appreciative i am for Him and all He does to care for me. Everyone needs to decompress and recharge and our Masters/Dominants as Magnificent and Superhuman as they may seem are no different…i’ve found an unexpected massage before bed has some amazing healing powers…

  2. My Master sent this link to me to read.
    There really isn’t a way to express to someone “how to take care of a Dom”. You just do. It’s different with each Dom/man.
    You have to know your Dom and know what he desires, what makes him happy, and what he needs. Each person is different.

    The way it was broke down was simple enough..
    -Recognize he’s human.
    -Recognize that BDSM is intense and it is work.
    -Be empathetic, kind, and available.
    -Remember that you’re _getting to_ give your decisions away…just like your submission is a gift – as is his Dominance

    First. Recognize he’s human.
    That right there is simple enough to put forth common sense. How would you take care of anyone you love? Subs try to make this so much harder then it really is and understand how we do that. Doms aren’t some computer generated perfect robot or superhero. They are human and make human mistakes, decisions, and choices. Daily life is human nature. subs love to put Doms to a higher standard, as they should. But we must also realize, human nature is still there.

    Second. BDSM is intense and is hard work. Realizing that will save a submissive lot of grief. We are so needy, as we should be, but we also need to remember.. Being a Dom is just as much a job as their day job. If not more. That can be overwhelming if his day job has drained him or pushed him to the limit. The last thing he’s going to want, or need,is to come home and deal with a needy wanting sub. That’s when we have to put on our big girl panties and step up our care to serve his needs. If there is something we needed from our Dom, today is not the day. Knowing your Dom is the upmost important thing so you know by how he’s talking or acting, Sir needs or is going to need “blank”.

    Third. Be empathetic, kind and available. Explains itself. 🙂

    Forth. Remember that you’re _getting to_ give your decisions away…just like your submission is a gift – as is his Dominance
    Just realizing each side has given a major gift to the other, although different, equally important, will help you tremendously. You have to respect and nurture that gift. It’s not something that is given lightly. It sometimes takes months or years to be at the point of giving that gift. It’s the upmost importance to respect what you have been given and strive beyond your best to show gratitude for what you’ve been given.

    I want to Thank you for posting this. It has been very thought provoking. I’ve enjoyed digging deep within myself to find my own explanation to this question. (As if I was asked) I don’t think any submissive can tell you how to care for their Dom.
    There is a personal depth that makes each dynamic different. One can only give guidelines and advice. Being able to do it comes from your own personal connection with your Dom.

    Again, I am greatly appreciative for this thought provoking post.

    -this response coming from a submissive, owned by one Master. I do not serve any other. Advice or explanation may differ from someone who serves many and owned by none.

  3. Thank you so much for this. My Master seems super-human so frequently that I often forget there are days when His Superman cape is a burden. I wish I had read this post earlier, but better late than never. . .

  4. Beautifully written article! Thank you SO much for this.
    I’m fairly new to the scene, but I was so, so lucky to find (and to be found) by an extraordinary, caring, loving man, who I can call Master now. He’s been so patient and so respectful of my well-being during these training weekends, that I knew He deserves something back from me, and not only my submission.
    One day, He said he loved the way I was taking care of Him. That I was sweet, gentle, loving, devoted, and that He was able to feel all of that even in my tone of voice. That He loves to cuddle with me, or just to watch a movie and feel my hand playing with His. That He has had some really difficult times at work within these weeks, and that I always knew what He needed even when He didn’t ask for it. That He was proud of me, and that I was the apple of His eye. And yes… I melted, haha.
    So, being as new as I am to all of this, I just felt it in my heart. There was a point in where I felt SO grateful, that I just wanted to show my appreciation for everything He’s done, by taking care of Him and make Him feel my gratitude and affection.
    So I wasn’t that lost or wrong by thinking He needed this too. 🙂
    Thank you for reinforcing this in me! I want to be what He expects me to be. I want to please and serve Him the way He deserves and ask for.

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