BDSM In A Long Distance Relationship

Feel The Power Of BDSM In A Long Distance Relationship

My Dom lives in a land far, far away, his kingdom the centre of the world, locked away in a fortress defended by the castle guards of travel restrictions. Physicallitalty is such a large part of most relationships, and when that is removed, for whatever reason, it allows an opportunity to connect in an intellectual way. Necessity as they say is the mother of all invention, here are some of the things we do to keep stay connected while we wait out the return to normal

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Statements of Devotion

My first text message of the day is always a statement of my devotion and appreciation of my Dom. It lets him know I am awake and about to start my day. For me it acts as a form of quiet meditation, and gratitude for our relationship. Sometimes it will be a quick couple of lines, thanking him for something he might have done for me, or I might tell him something I find alluring and attractive about him, physically or otherwise. Sometimes I might send him a promise, “I promise to run my fingers through your hair, until it sends shivers down your body.”

If I am feeling particularly submissive, or loved up they become almost prayer like, “For all that You give to me I will promise to love and cherish Your needs above my own. I will honor Your requests and relish them as my own.”

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Dress Up

My Dom loves costumes and lingerie as much as I do. I know what he likes, so I try to find cute and sexy things to wear, and send him snaps. Costumes are a great way to introduce a fantasy, or build on a role play we are currently exploring. A slutty maid, or slave girl waiting to be rescued. It’s also a great way to communicate my mood.

If I’m feeling little and vulnerable, I might send a photo in dinosaur pjs. If I’m out and feeling playful, I like to send pics from the store dressing room, in Italian lace, or kinky latex. Sometimes I’ll send a choice of lingerie sets for him to choose what I wear for the day. If I’m feeling romantic, I might send a soft pic from bed in ribbon and lace, or if I’m feeling sexy I’ll send something in one of his favourite outfits, knowing it will please him.

Once I teased him saying if he could guess what color underwear I was wearing I would send him a pic of me in it. I was being a bit bratty, as I wasn’t wearing any, and I don’t know how he did it – but that’s what he guessed. Brat lesson number one, don’t try and out smart your Dom!

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Virtual Meetings

Skype, Hangouts, FaceTime, whatever you choose to use, video calls are about the closest thing to real flesh on flesh sex you can find. If you are shy about parading around in the buff, the bathtub is a good idea. You can hide under the bubbles, with free access to all parts of your body. A laptop propped on a stool works perfectly, just make sure to charge the battery beforehand, and never have anything plugged into the wall near water.

A strip tease is always fun, or strip poker. Play the game of who’s in charge, where you take turns in directing, or one person is only allowed to watch, no touching.

Where to point the camera? You can just go for the upshot, all double chin and nostrils, and if you are that confident Gonzo recording artist, I commend you! The most flattering angles tend to be from up high, invest in a camera stand and light, these are cheap, but work a treat with flattering results.

Remember revenge porn is a thing, it’s your body, and always your choice what you show. You can do no face, just your hands moving across your body, your moans and breathing are a sexy tell of where you are in the moment. You can also do just your face, sharing the intimacy of watching your partner climax, wondering what their hands are doing.

Remote Sex Play

Apart from the video calls, we play with toys and props. Remote vibes are so fun. He might send me out to the grocery store wearing a toy he is controlling. There is something very sensual about knowing we are connected in a non-verbal way.

Withholding/Edge play is another way to play together without having to constantly be in communication. The dominant may issue instructions to edge for a certain period of time, or to wear a device, such as a butt plug or nipple clamps, for a set time. Having instructions to touch and play without climazing, at set intervals during the day, or days if they are feeling particularly sadistic! When it comes time to be allowed release, you can share this with each other, either live or recorded.

Unexpected on demand instructions are another fun way to play. If my Dom knows I have a meeting, he may instruct me to come right before it, knowing I will be flushed for the zoom call.

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Body Writing

This is a mild and largely versatile way to enjoy kink. The basis around this is humiliation and objectification. But I think it can be dialled back to ownership if that’s not your thing. A simple “Daddy’s girl” somewhere hidden, close to the heart is a nice reminder of connection, all the way up to “insert cum here ➡️” for the more adventurous. We tend to land somewhere in the middle. “Daddy’s whore” gives me that reminder of ownership. It’s also that shared secret that only the two of us know about. It’s also fun to send a pic of the writing, capturing the cute lingerie I’m wearing for the day.

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Audio Recordings

There is something so sensual about hearing our partner’s voice. When I hear my Dom rumble through my headphones, “Good Morning Little One, it’s me, Daddy,”

I am done for. It’s like he is right there with me in that moment. We have a time difference to contend with as well, so typically one of us has downtime, when the other is racing between meetings and errands. A recorded note is something to look forward to, at the end of the day, or to wake up to first thing in the morning.

Audio recordings can take many different forms.

A quick note, just to say “hi, miss you, this is what’s happening in my day”. Or a role play, or sharing of a fantasy. Maybe recollecting a time you were together. “Remember that time we went to Wyoming? I’m thinking about that now. How the fire was roaring. You walked over to me, handing me a glass of champagne, and you looked so handsome in the plaid shirt you were wearing.”

Upping the dirty talk level can get a bit awkward at the start. If describing a full on fantasy makes you want to duck under the covers and hide, an easy cheat is to watch a favourite porn clip, and describe what is happening. I like to use first person, as I find it more enveloping for the listener, “You are walking over to me with a mean look on your face,” but third person works just as well.

Of course we don’t always need to use words in audios. An audio that begins with a moan, or a gasp, or just heaving breathing, speaks its own message. And sometimes it’s just hard to think of what to say, especially the more carried away in the moment you get.

If you are going to describe a fantasy, or a role play, it’s a good idea to go over the scene a few times in your mind first. Or you might want to write a script and read from it. Just be careful not to sound too much like you are reading text, if you are going for this angle, maybe reading erotica might work better for a first try.

Whenever I ask my friends who make audios for public consumption for their tips, the main one is always enjoy what you are doing! It comes through and translates. Also, hold the mic away from you, too much breathing can be distracting and distorting.

I like audio recordings I find they are a lot more relaxed than if I were recording a video. I can find acting for only the camera a bit flat, and distracting, “are my hips really that wide?” With audio, I press record, and go about my own thing, somethings that might even be listening to one of my Doms audios, and recording my reactions- and the cycle continues!

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Meditation

My Dom instructs me to pause at the same time each day, to kneel somewhere quiet, imagining him standing over me. I take this time to reconnect, to explore the feelings of protection, guidance and his dominance. Just to sit within that submissive space each day, as a reminder of our roles, a stopgap to the normally busy unconscious pace of everyday life.
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Sub Journal

A journal is a submissive’s safe place to write down whatever they want. For me I treat it like a diary, where I write my thoughts, how something has made me feel. This works well for long form writing. As well as my thoughts and pondering that don’t require an answer.

I might write that I was feeling disconnected because I was waiting for a reply for too long, but then when we spoke there was a reason for that. It’s almost a barometer for how the relationship is going. Just another avenue to check in with one another.

I also find it a helpful tool when I am feeling a certain way, to go back to a time this happened in the past, for example feelings of insecurity, and see what the triggers were, and correlate that to the current situation.

It also allows me to speak freely, without fear of punishment, or reaction.

Some ideas of where to start with this are:

  • what I like most about being submissive
  • what feelings being submissive evokes
  • what I struggle with in being submissive
  • triggers that make me the most submissive
  • fantasies I would like to try
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Schedule

As our dynamic is a more formal one, I send my Dom each morning what my day holds. This allows him to set me tasks around where I will be, at certain times. Calendar sharing is another way to achieve this.

The Daddy in him will then check in with me, have I left for my appointment? What did the doctor say?

It’s just a way for us to be present with each other, without constantly sending mundane texts as a play by play. It allows me to go about my day knowing my Dom is with me.

Although the last year and a bit has been like nothing we have known before, it’s been such a journey of discovery in our relationship, a lesson in grace for all we are able to do, and as a result has led to a deeper connection I feel. And as we wait for the world to return to normal, there is always the doctor-patient role play to keep us busy!

ILLANA MAIDMENT

By Illana Maidment

is an author, contributing journalist, and screenwriter, a sub, a little and a slave.   In a previous life she stalked the halls of the most powerful boardrooms as an Institutional Banker. Since hanging up the Louboutins she has fallen in love with writing about love. She is know for her often dark, uniquely paced, contemporary fiction. You can find her on Instagram @illana_maidment_writes

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