The first time I heard the term “alpha submissive” it resonated with me immediately. It was described as the woman boss who doesn’t back down in the corporate world but once she’s behind closed doors, the pumps come off and the collar goes on. An independent woman who doesn’t need a man but always needs her Daddy.
Conceptually it made sense to me, but when I thought about it a little deeper, there are many layers to alpha submissives that work very well with servant leadership. Intertwining servant leadership with my submission has not only allowed me to submit more readily but also has led to levels of personal growth and accountability that I never realized were attainable.
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Submission Is Always Earned
An alpha submissive can be described as a sub (of any gender) who is submissive in their dynamic but otherwise very opinionated, competitive, independent, assertive, etc. The types of people who are Dominant amongst vanillas but submissive amongst kinksters. People like us may have difficulties finding someone worthy of their submission, but that doesn’t mean we should ever lower the bar for ourselves.
In my personal life, I am a leader. I have been the breadwinner in my last relationship, I am ambitious in my career field, and am a general go-getter—all without anyone telling me how. So, when it comes to submitting myself to another person, I can’t afford to submit under poor leadership whether that is within the vanilla or kink world. Furthermore, when I do submit, I want to feel safe enough to feel submissive and be in a headspace that allows me to give up total control—even for a moment.
When it comes to BDSM, the only type of Dominant I feel comfortable submitting to is one who not only has their vanilla life together but also one who’s intellect, emotional intelligence, and pursuit of self-growth matches or exceeds mine. The play becomes so much more fulfilling, arousing, and interesting when it’s with such a person.
What is Servant Leadership?
The problem I face is that I am naturally submissive, but my life has turned me into a dominant. So, things like “topping from the bottom” and bratty behavior pop up regularly for me. It isn’t that I don’t want to submit, it’s that I have problems trusting my Top with control because I’m so used to having to find every solution, do things myself, pull myself up by my bootstraps etc. So, letting go of control, even in small things, can be a challenge.
Being a servant leader affords me a much greater amount of control all while helping me for the better. A servant leader is one who focuses on the growth and well-being of those they lead. My current dynamic relies very heavily on accountability, self-growth, and personal development and a part of that is being a servant leader to myself. My growth pleases them and my well-being brings joy to them. My submission isn’t only about following directions, it’s about utilizing my Dominant’s structure, guidance, wisdom, and example to better lead myself. The products of my personal leadership are my service.
Understanding the Roles
As a 24/7 kinkster, my dynamic is not restricted to the bedroom. The kink that I partake in is both fun and functional. Yes, I do love to be tied up. Yes, breath play arouses me. But it is the context that really gets me off. A Dominant (as explained by my own) uses their experience and leadership style to help the submissive reach a goal.
The goal can be anything defined by the sub: wanting to get in shape, wanting to learn to manage emotions, or wanting to have space to let go. The Dominant provides the structure to help the sub reach their goal and develop themselves along the way. BDSM play can be used as rewards and punishments, but the goal is still in sight.
Therefore, it’s important for Dominants to develop their leadership skills and as a submissive, that means I have to keep that in mind during my vetting process. Corporal punishment doesn’t always work for me but having a reward system does. If I come across a Dominant who only believes in corporal punishment or tries to heavily guilt me into my goals, then there’s a compatibility issue.
Now that is not to say I couldn’t enjoy playing at an event with a random Dominant but in terms of an actual dynamic, there is a certain standard that needs to be met.
What Being a Service Leader Looks Like
One of my friends told me that for submissives our first Dominant should be ourselves. After some pontificating, research, and self-analysis, I took that to mean, I should learn how to lead myself so that I can find good partners who can lead me.
In the workforce, a servant leader is the type of manager that cares about you. They give you projects that align with your interests. They challenge you and help you develop your skills. They may also offer guidance outside of work. This is all because this personalized approach brings out the best version of you which not only benefits you but also benefits the team as a whole.
While finding a Dominant like that in the kink world is important, it’s also essential to be that for myself. Since the goal is to grow with the hope of bringing out the best version of myself, I must dedicate myself to growing in many areas of life.
1) Emotional
I’d often heard the phrase “manage your emotions” in the kink world but didn’t fully understand what that meant or looked like. It means being able to understand and cope with one’s own feelings.
Feelings are a temporary, fluid state. On one hand, they can alert us to important things and keep us safe. Feeling irritable because you haven’t eaten all day lets you know you need to eat. However, feelings can also be a trauma response and can lie.
I’ve suffered from depression for many years paired with some toxic relationships and while those feelings are all valid, they are not always truthful. I sometimes fear that telling others how I feel will elicit a negative reaction because that’s what I’m used to. Is that always true? No, it’s not. Sharing feelings with those who care about me is a good thing so I must do the work to ease myself into being comfortable with that.
In dynamics, I manage my own emotions by digging deep into what my triggers are and finding ways to cope with them in a healthy way. Aftercare helps me manage my emotions. My Dominant will do aftercare with me after a scene, but I also do aftercare for myself after we go our separate ways. I plan self-love activities geared towards helping me level myself out which helps immensely with sub drop. As a submissive, if I am having trouble, I look to my Dominant for suggestions.
2) Physical
Although people tend to shy away from conversations about physical wellness, I think it’s important to discuss in my dynamics. Being fit and flexible enough to be able to do kink play is important to me. Over the years I’ve learned that I can strive to want better for my body while at the same time, loving myself. I don’t have to have a deep seeded hatred for my body in order to change but I also refuse to glamorize my unhealthy behaviors to avoid feeling shame.
What I like about my leadership of myself, and my dynamic is that both encourage healthy eating habits, play (exercise), and wellness paired with self-love and body positivity. I tell myself daily that I love the body I’m in and as an expression of love, I take care of my body with enthusiastic movement.
A New Look on Service
Initially, I had a problem with the idea of service. My dominant side would scream “I bow to no man” from the recesses of my mind even though the larger part of me wanted to submit and craved submission.
Things like putting on my Dominant’s shoes or bowing seemed pointless to me but I always connected the act of service to submission. So, I changed my perspective on what service looks like for me. I don’t need to kiss someone’s feet or get them a cigar in order to do service. My service doesn’t look like that and that’s okay.
For example, one of the things my Dominant and I have in common is our love of tea. I love the look, taste, and overall preparation of loose-leaf tea. It makes me feel good to prepare it and sitting down to a cup of tea with someone has been a rare pleasantry. However, in my dynamic, we incorporated this tea service as part of our protocol. This does a few things for me.
- It allows me to provide service without feeling subservient.
- It intentionally gives me the opportunity to feel good on a consistent basis.
- There’s more context to this act—this is something we both benefit from, and it is not burdensome to either of us.
- It serves as a bonding activity between us which increases feelings of safety and trust.
It opens doors for other forms of protocol & service opportunities. I.e. incorporating my interest in cooking and hosting.
In order to provide better service, I must invest in my self-growth. Investing my time into developing my cooking skills will allow me to one day cook my Dominant’s favorite meal.
Growth Is Service
My dynamic values growth so when I do good it not only makes me a good girl, but it also pleases my Dominant, which makes me more motivated to do it. For example, keeping my finances in order will allow me to purchase toys for BDSM play or present my Dominant with gifts. Learning how to communicate effectively leads to a better play experience and a dynamic. Challenging my negative beliefs allows me to keep insecurities at bay which may inhibit my ability to get into subspace.
Growing as a person IS my service. Leading myself effectively, allows me to be in alignment with my best self is what my Dominant desires for me and it’s my duty to do so.
By Scarlette Hemsworth
Scarlette is a polyamorous kinkster, freelance writer, sex worker, and indie author based out of California. She was introduced to the kink world in 2018 and identifies as a 24/7 little, sub, and ABDL. Scarlette enjoys watching anime, playing video games, and building terrariums in her spare time.
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