If the pandemic has taught us anything, nothing is ever black or white. The same can be said for our sexual identities. So, what do we do when we find ourselves out of sync with our partners? When we want to deepen our submission, or switch from a top to a bottom and our partners are not on the same page?
Being dominated is one of the most common fantasies, especially in people who identify as woman. The most common themes of sexual submission include bondage, spanking and consensual non-consent role plays. So, what happens when you decide you want these fantasies played out in real life?
While you can’t force the desire to dominate in another person, you can highlight how powerful they will feel by taking on that mantle so that they can make demands of and perform erotic activities with you. Here are some ideas of how to get started.
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A frank, open, clear conversion is the best place to start. This is what I want. These are my fantasies. These are my turn-ons. Don’t lead with I’m bored in bed, keep it light and positive. “When you smacked my butt in the grocery store car park last week, I really liked that.”
Talking sex can be awkward AF, so figure out the best way to tackle this conversation. Drop in some dirty talk to an intimate moment. Write a letter. Choose some porn to watch together with the themes you are interested in. “She seems to be enjoying that, I think I might like that too.” Browse the internet for fetish gear and toys together or buy some things yourself and pull them out the next time things are getting spicy. Spreader bar and nipple clamps anyone?
A natural way to bring out the dominance in our partners is for us to act in a submissive way. If you want them to be dominant, you need to be submissive. Certain positions are more acquiescent, such as kneeling. In this way we can take a quiet moment to appreciate our partner. To look up at our partners with an open expression. An alternative to bondage if your partner is not ready for that, can be to lie back in surrender, with your hands behind your head, as if tied.
Outside of the bedroom, bring submissive foreplay to the everyday. Put aside those outdated feminist ideals and kneel at their side while they watch Netflix. Serve them dinner, always their plate before yours. Ask them to order for you at a restaurant. Give foot massages. Find ways to serve.
Following on from acting submissive, are the ways we are sexual with each other. Blow jobs are the most common way to experience power exchange. If you are reading this, you are probably proficient at giving head. Being submissive when giving oral sex is all about relinquishing control. Letting them set the pace, the depth, the tempo.
Allow them the space to take charge. Whether that be by thrusting into your mouth or letting them move your head up and down their cock. Don’t be afraid to gag or get sloppy. Your mouth will naturally salivate when a cock is moving around up in there, learn how to not swallow and let it flow free. Here’s a secret tip, the more you gag the wetter your mouth will be, so if you feel like you need to bring on the wet, push his cock a little deeper to the back of your throat.
Doggy style is a natural position of deference, which can be enhanced by dropping your forehead lower, and bringing your hands behind your back. The next level up from this would be incorporating hair pulling, and spanking.
Against the wall position relies on the partner being held up being dependent on the dominant for support.
Missionary position can be enhanced by raising the bottoms ankles to the shoulder of the top.
Back to front missionary can be a little more submissive by raising the hips, using pillows helps. Holding the bottoms hands behind their back is a more dominant expression of this position.
Reverse cowgirl can transform to a submission position by the person on top, leaning as far forward as they can and stretching out. If you find yourself in this position, doing this can be a transition to the submissive.
Anal sex, perhaps it’s the taboo. Maybe it’s the vulnerability. Anal sex alone is not for most a way to reach orgasm, so it may be the act of doing something solely for another’s pleasure. Most positions for anal sex are typically submissive in nature, with the top in control. This control can be expanded into power exchange dynamics with the use of butt plugs, collars, and pet play etc.
- “I surrender myself to you.”
- “I am yours to play with.”
- “Use me anyway you like tonight.”
- “Can you fuck me out of this mood I am in?”
- “I want to taste you.”
- “I’m cumming.”
- “You own me.”
- “I am yours to use.”
- “I am your fuckdoll, my sole purpose is to be a cum dump for you Sir.”
- “Punish me, I have been a bad girl and I need a spanking.”
- “Please Daddy?”
- “I need your come.”
- “Please may I come?”
- “I’m your slave Master.”
This can go either one or two ways – but it will be fun either way. Stir the Dom out with the tease. Instead of the go-to Tuesday night vanilla missionary, get feisty. Jump on top, pin them down. Tease and grind and put on a show. Bite a little. If they have some Dominant in them, this may trigger them to take back control, flip you off and take the lead. To level this up, fight back. Consent here please! But a wiggle and a shove and a “make me” can really bring out a deep level of dominance.
Domination can be shrouded in the fear of being disrespectful to our partners. You may also find that your partner is interested in trying on the dominant role but is worried about hurting you. This is a major stumbling block for some couples. Begging is a way to not only trigger the dominant in our partners, but to show clear want and desire for certain acts on our part. Fear of disrespect can be removed when our partners understand we truly want the things we are asking for.
When safe words are introduced, we have a framework to communicate our temperatures, especially when trying new things. The traffic light system is great for this, Green for good, keep going, Orange, this is intense, but I like it, please proceed with caution, Red for immediate stop.
These are very different places, but I am lumping them together in this article for the purpose of exploiting the mental state of submission in general. The experience of these places is different for everyone, common descriptions are feeling of being small, floaty, light, mushy, for me subspace is almost a rush, a feeling of falling, tunnel vision, a kind of fade to black. Little space for me is cuddles and warmth and safety.
The fun thing is it can manifest in different physicality’s, giggling, eyes glazed over, trancelike, or daydreamy, primal or nonverbal. If you are struggling to go into this place with your partner, it might be something to explore on your own. This is going to be a different path for everyone, for me reading old texts or listening to old voice memos from my Dom can trigger my subspace, or at least let me start to sink. For little space, a stuffie cuddle, a bubble bath or coloring, bring me into this. Taking time to mentally prep before you start a session, will put you in more of a submissive place, and may allow your partner to expand into the void.
A way to create a d/s dynamic can begin outside of the bedroom. Daily acts of submission can begin to introduce this dynamic before play starts. This may resonate with Alpha submissive, who may be in control in their normal lives. Incorporating submissive acts such as foot massage, back rub can begin to shift the power.
Acts of service can create a power surge to trigger dominance. Making their favourite drink, having their clothes laid out and ready for them, giving a manicure, having dinner ready for them when they get home. Cleaning – acting as the butler or maid. All things we do for our partners without being asked. Going above and beyond the call of duty is the key here. Seeking ways to serve in the everyday. Running out to get milk, refilling their glass, making them a coffee first thing in the morning, having a hot water bottle ready in bed.
These flow on from acts of service, they might be going to bed together every night. Buying the paper each morning, showering together. One of my favourite rituals is a note of devotion or appreciation. Something like “thank you for taking care of me last night, I felt so cared for.” Or “I’m proud to be your partner.”
Remember with all this sub drop and dom drop are real and can trigger intense emotions post play sessions. Look after one another with good after care, these discussions are just as important as the ones you have around D/S dynamics.
In summary, don’t be afraid to mentor someone less experienced than you. My kinks are not your kinks. Your partner might be into everything you bring to the table, or none of it. It might take them a minute to get their heads around what you are asking.
Sex should be fun, and our partners should be safe places we can explore with. Take this as an opportunity to spice things up and see what sticks. Don’t be afraid to raise safety concerns. Don’t be afraid to share your interests and limits.
Remember to act submissive, rather than topping from the bottom. Give your partner the tools and information, then let them decide how best to put it to use. You’ll be stirring those dominant urges in no time. And most importantly have fun exploring together!
By Illana Maidment
is an author, contributing journalist, and screenwriter, a sub, a little and a slave. In a previous life she stalked the halls of the most powerful boardrooms as an Institutional Banker. Since hanging up the Louboutins she has fallen in love with writing about love. She is know for her often dark, uniquely paced, contemporary fiction. You can find her on Instagram @illana_maidment_writes
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