While navigating the kink space, I’ve experienced many moments of vulnerability. Moments that shed light on some toxic traits that I wasn’t aware I possessed. A toxic trait, at least how I define it, is anything that is detrimental to yourself or another person in a relationship. Two of my toxic traits are obsessiveness and people-pleasing. While they never manifest from maliciousness, they do need to be addressed.
In the past, when I got into relationships, I would become so enamored with the person to the point where their needs, desires, and feelings became so much more important than mine. I learned later on that this was a trauma response and I didn’t know what to do about it.
All I knew is that these weren’t traits that I wanted to keep. For years I tried to suppress those aspects of myself but it just manifested in other ways and led to feelings of guilt and shame. So rather than try to rid myself of those things, I asked myself “How can I channel this into something positive?”
That’s not to say that I don’t do other protocols to keep myself accountable or that kink play can be used to incorporate every type of negative trait. That being said, in my self-discovery I found a way to actively mitigate my obsessive and people-pleasing nature through my kink play.
It is a controlled way to deal with a potentially toxic trait. Like working out your anger at the gym or letting out your sadness through artistic creation. I think compartmentalizing and recycling energy like that can lead to less frustration, guilt, shame and result in a positive experience if managed properly.
Sharing Is Caring
The Power of Self Analysis
One thing I was notorious for was throwing myself into relationships, whether that be kink or vanilla, and it was always to my detriment. As the relationship developed, I would toss my own desires and identity to the side and transform into the version of me that meshed best with that person.
After some digging, years later, I learned that this was a defense mechanism I’d developed due to traumatic relationships. However, that ability to blend in with others lead to me obsessing over the person to the point where I knew their wants, needs, and desires better than my own.
The longer the relationship would progress, the more frustrated and trapped I would feel. Those feelings permeated my relationships and made things challenging to say the least. While it was true that in many of my earlier relationships, I fell in with people who took advantage of my nature, it wasn’t the other person’s fault I became so enamored with them or that I was self-sacrificing—those were my own trauma responses.
I wholeheartedly believe that while I am not responsible for my trauma, I am responsible for my healing, and a part of that is holding myself accountable and mitigating my own feelings. While I actively pick apart my behaviors and look for areas of improvement, kink play allows me to process those feelings in a healthy way.
The Power of Kink
When I first found the lifestyle, I thought that obsessive nature was a requirement for D/s dynamics. However, as I learned more, I realized that moving through my day with only the other person in mind ultimately lands me in codependent relationships.
As a submissive, I can give reverence, honor, and consideration to my Dom but neither I nor my partners want me to lose myself in the attempt to submit. Learning to manage myself and set healthy boundaries is something I only learned after getting into the lifestyle. These lessons have translated very well into my vanilla relationships and they’ve become much healthier as a result.
One of the things I love about the kink world is that it requires a degree of self-awareness and self-analysis that you don’t typically see in vanilla settings. Due to the nature of my play, I’ve been made vulnerable and in doing so, come face-to-face with the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of myself.
This is admittedly scary but it’s also the best way to grow as a person as well as feel the euphoric highs that come with play. If I don’t know what lurks within my darkness, how can I manage it—and do so in the sexiest, most fun way possible?
On my journey of self-discovery and sexuality, I’ve discovered some fetishes can be both fun and functional.
Obsession
While I don’t consider myself to be a possessive person per se, I can become quite obsessed and territorial under the right conditions. This manifests as me hyper-focusing on the other person’s needs and desires. Oftentimes I would work very hard to anticipate the person’s needs to the point I would become very stressed if I displeased the other person. I learned that this was a trauma response due to the nature of my childhood.
On the surface, it may not sound bad but for me, it was very toxic because oftentimes that tendency would lead to a codependent relationship. It also put a lot of power in the other person’s hand and in my past vanilla relationships that power was not used responsibly.
Obsession To Cock Worship
Even though the people in my current life are much healthier for me, I still tend to find myself slipping into an obsessive tendency. I understand now that losing myself in another person isn’t healthy, but it’s so ingrained in me that sometimes I would struggle to keep that at bay. So, what I ended up doing was compartmentalizing that feeling into my cock worshipping fetish.
While I kneel in front of my partner, I can be as obsessed, possessive, and as territorial as I want to. It’s my time to shine and I can show them with my mouth just how much I want them which is quite pleasing to the recipient (I’m told).
It was hard to do at first but with practice, I was able to store those feelings for when I could release them in a safe space. I started taking note of whenever I’d feel that overwhelming desire to give more than was in my cup and told myself to “save it for the bedroom”.
Cock worshipping allows me to feel the full extent of giving myself and steep myself in that feeling so that by the time I’m not in the scene anymore, I can regulate that feeling much better. The feelings become less overwhelming because I have a dedicated space for them. Following heavy cock worshipping scenes, I make sure to ensure my needs are being taken care of and I’m not giving too much of myself to the other person.
Obsession To Scenes & Service
I’ve never considered myself a “service sub” and high protocol does not particularly resonate with me. However, another way for me to mitigate the obsessive feelings that bubble up is to channel them into acts of service to my Dominant. My Dominant not only makes me feel amazing during play but also good about myself in general and those good feelings are easy to get addicted to.
Rather than rely on only my Dominant to give me those good feelings, one essential part of the dynamic is to cultivate those good feelings for myself. However, taking strides towards that doesn’t eliminate the desire to focus all my time and energy on my Dominant. Those feelings still have to go somewhere so, rather than giving every once of energy and every moment of time to my Dominant, I compartmentalize those feelings to scenes and service. This not only allows me a healthy outlet for those feelings, but also it allows me to place boundaries for myself for safety.
Before scenes, I’ll take great effort to prepare things in a way I think will make things easier or more pleasing for my Dominant. I’ll make sure to clean my space and lay out towels or toys in convenient areas for him to grab during scenes. We include a tea service as part of our dynamic so I’ll prepare the water and tea leaves prior to his arrival. Sometimes I’ll prepare a snack and, as of this writing, I’m working on building a menu of homemade foods for him to choose from.
People Pleasing
Life has brought me many gifts. The ability to love deeply, passion for writing, wondrous gifts. With that came growing up in an environment where achievement, self-sacrifice, and complacency were rewarded, expected, and enforced. Being a “good girl” is something I strive for in both work and life. This is not necessarily a problem because I do genuinely love giving and doing good things. However, the issue with always wanting to be the good girl is a not-so-healthy people-pleasing tendency. If left unchecked, my desire to please leads to the deterioration of my personality.
At work, I’d overwork and inconvenience myself for the sake of trying to be a “good employee”. In relationships, I never had boundaries because I was taught boundaries, upset people. When I lack boundaries though, it can not only put a strain on relationships as a whole but also living for someone else is hardly living at all.
So it becomes very important to channel those people-pleasing tendencies in a safe and constructive way especially when navigating spaces dependent on boundaries.
People Pleasing To Impact
There have been so many scenes where I was put in a vulnerable headspace and in those moments, I realized that I needed boundaries. I have a pain threshold and it doesn’t matter how much I may want to be a good girl and take everything. I learned had to vocalize when things were too much or not enough and it was okay for me to say so.
What I took away from some of my more heavier scenes is that if I don’t tell someone what my boundaries are, they can’t act accordingly. I learned that saying “yes” when I mean “no” isn’t pleasing to a healthy person. Healthy people want my “yes” to be enthusiastic and I can do that by setting boundaries. Learning where my edges are and what I actually have space for allows me to always give an enthusiastic yes.
I have also changed my perspective on people-pleasing. When I dig beneath the surface, the healthy part of that trait is that I want others to be happy. I want my friends and family to be happy as often as possible. However, I’m learning that I can contribute best to that happiness by being authentic and being honest with them. Good girls communicate openly and honestly.
People Pleasing To Pet Play
Another way I mitigate this tendency is pet play. I’ve recently grown more comfortable with pet play because I realize it is a safe and constructive way to be a people pleaser. I identify as more of a puppy, but I do sometimes like kitten and bunny play. The bar for being a “good pup” is easily achieved with performance and obedience. It makes me feel so happy hearing my Handler tell me “Good girl” while petting my head.
Being so steeped in a scene where the “pleasing” is easy to do and has an immediate reward satisfies all the parts of my brain that seek to be the good girl. The benefit is that it is time-constrained and it isn’t to my detriment. Especially because I think pup play is very cute, arousing, and it’s something I have a legitimate interest in.
Detoxify With Kink
Sometimes when I’m feeling upset, I’ll go for a walk or hit the gym. Similarly, when I feel the urge to give to my detriment, I’ll use a scene to release that. I’m in a phase of my life where I am trying to love myself at every stage and use my energy purposefully. I think trying to suppress my less desirable traits only makes them manifest more, so instead, I’ve made space for those feelings in the form of play.
After scenes, I usually feel much more refreshed and I have less of a tendency to exhibit those traits. In addition to aftercare with my partner, I’ll do my own aftercare. I’ll double down on healthy behaviors to ensure that I’m not giving into those negative traits by doing more things for myself.
In addition to being incredibly fun, I truly believe the kink world has become a space for healing and growth for me. I have learned so many things and have much better models for behavior now because of it.
By Scarlette Hemsworth
Scarlette is a polyamorous kinkster, freelance writer, sex worker, and indie author based out of California. She was introduced to the kink world in 2018 and identifies as a 24/7 little, sub, and ABDL. Scarlette enjoys watching anime, playing video games, and building terrariums in her spare time.
Copyright 2008-2022 BDSMTrainingAcademy.com
By reading and accepting this article you agree to all of the following: You understand that this is simply a set of opinions, personal experience and anecdotal evidence (and not advice). You are responsible for any use of the information in this article, and hold BDSMTrainingAcademy.com and all members and affiliates harmless in any claim or event.
You must be 18+ years old to read this blog
How To Tell The Difference Between Fake And Real Dominants
Choosing the Dominant that you want to serve is a ...
The Alpha Dominant Enigma
In my last article, (Why Some Alphas Desire Submi...
Navigating BDSM After Abuse
It took me over a decade to stop blaming myself for choosing the man who would become my abuser. I had a million reasons in my mind for why my trauma was either my fault or illegitimate. Please learn from my experiences so you can better navigate BDSM after suffering abuse.
