My girlfriend and I are new to the lifestyle. I know I am submissive and I would like my girlfriend to Dominate me more. She says she likes being dominant and enjoys how I serve her. I have talked to her about being nervous when dominating me and she says the problem is she just doesn’t know what to ask for.
As the submissive, how can I help her come out of her shell and become more comfortable asking for what she desires?
Master Bishop’s Opinion
Though it can sometimes seem like certain Masters and Mistresses have been dominant their whole lives, this is not the case for everyone. We all start in the same place when first learning about BDSM, whether you are Dominant or submissive. While its a commonly held belief that an inexperienced sub will just generally learn from their Dominant. For a Dominant, it can be hard to learn how they need to embrace their role. Many people believe that it can be difficult for a Dominant to learn from their submissive while maintaining your position as the Dominant.
For some submissives who yearn to be controlled, their Dominants are still figuring things out. This might not be the most popular piece of advice to give, but it might be necessary in some situations: submissives, you can help to teach their partner how to be Dominant. In fact, I believe your best education as a Dominant will come from your submissive. Dominants don’t be afraid to be open to learn from your sub and submissives don’t be afraid to give your Dominant the support and help they need to learn about being Dominant.
Measure their Dominant desires – Whether you know their background or not, a wise place to begin is to decide if they’re actually a Dominant or if they’re submissive and just haven’t admitted it to themselves. You can test this by asking what they like in the bedroom or what they might like to do with you. If they answer in a submissive way, you need to find someone else…or you need to be willing to do a little training.
Remember we often live to serve – What most of us don’t realize is that we’re conditioned to serve others in our lives, i.e. managers, parents, etc. Though we might not think of this as being submissive, it is something that we naturally do, so your partner might be stuck in that mindset. By keeping this in mind, you can remember this is the natural state of being, but that you can help them get past this limited thinking. Help to show them that the moment they arrive home that everything outside that door no longer matters. That it doesn’t matter who they are during the day because at home they are the BOSS!
You might have to take the lead – The submissive usually doesn’t lead the way, but you may have if your partner is unsure of what they should do. This might include sharing your fantasies with them or ‘accidentally’ putting on a BDSM video while they’re in the room. See how they respond, and they may warm up more than you think.
Hint at what they need to do – You can give them a hint at what it might be like for them to take you from behind, spank you with a paddle, tie you down and have their way with you. Give some subtle hints about their role in your fantasy and they may begin to take that fantasy further in their own mind…which may then lead to more fun for you.
Go Online– For many people discussing or asking for a new sexual fantasy or idea can be very intimidating and potentially embarrassing. We have all experienced a moment where we asked for something we truly craved only to be met with a look of shock and disgust. That fear can hold back many new Dominants when they are first starting out. One way to get past this is to take your relationship online, when the two of you are away from each other. Try talking via text message, yahoo messenger, or skype, etc. You might have to start out by describing your fantasies, what you would love to have them do to you and what it is about their Domination that you enjoy so much. Once they see how free and open you are they will be able to relax and feel more free to be open to you. Being online allows them to be removed from the fear of seeing that look of disgust that can be so painful to witness.
Make a commitment – Once you’ve brought up the idea of power exchange, writing out a contract about what you will do and what your Dominant will do can help you both understand how the relationship will work. Having things laid out also makes each person’s role seem all the more important.
Get out of the way – But once you have signed this contract or you’ve made arrangements in some way for the Dominant to take over, you need to let them do it. You need to get out of their way and simply do what they want you to do this will help your Dom feel more confident. It’s never helpful to have someone point out all of the things you’re doing wrong, after all. Instead set a time once or twice a week where the both of you come together and sit down outside of the Dom/sub dynamic and discuss how both of you are meeting your agreed upon roles and conditions.
Trust what happens– Sure, there might be a learning curve if your Dom hasn’t done this before, but you can still trust in what’s happening. You never know what they might have in their brain; it might be even better than you think it will be, and you may begin to encounter training sessions you did not imagine.
Go with their decisions (even the small ones)– If the power exchange is still a little nerve-wracking for the new Dom, it might be helpful to have them take over smaller decisions. For example, you might ask them if you should wear a certain shirt (even one you don’t like) and if they say yes, follow through. Give them more and more responsibility for what your life looks like.
Ask for permission – When you want to show how your Dom is in charge, you can also ask for permission to do anything. This might include going out for errands, heading to the bathroom, etc. The more permission you ‘have’ to get from your Dom, the more they will become used to being in control of your everyday movements.
Be accountable to your Dominant – If you have made a mistake, you need to be accountable to your Dom for it. Even though they may not have noticed it, you still need to show you are going to be honest when you don’t uphold your part of your contract. This will also help a new Dom see how they need to watch out for your behaviors and missteps.
Make the Dom responsible – One of the things that can be complicated is seeing your Dom promise to do something and then fail. You don’t want to point this out and try to make him feel badly. Instead, try to make sure you’re supportive, but that the Dom also has space to figure out how to fix things without your help.
Speak up when the Dom’s not doing their job – Though the Dom is the one who will have the loudest voice in your relationship, if they’re not doing what they should be doing, you have a responsibility to say something. You need to let them know that they forgot X. This is not to make them feel bad, but when you’re accountable, they need to be too.
Serve – While you may not always know what to do in order to help your Dom succeed in their role, what you can do is make sure they know you cherish them and that you are eager to serve. By going to them at the end of the day, washed, body prepared and dressed in your best submissive uniform, crawling to them with leash in your mouth and rubbing their feet, you can let them know how much you missed them and how much you want to serve them.
Any person could get used to that and it could just be what they need to motivate their Dominant juices.
Do a bit of Show & Tell with Them– But when you do, do it in your most polite and respectful submissive manner.
As a submissive you have done everything above and your Dominant still has a hard time taking the lead. As you say, perhaps they want to be Dominant but they just don’t know what to do. This is a perfect opportunity for you as a submissive to serve. Breakout your journal and write out ideas of things you would like to do for your Dominant, things you think would help to make their life easier and things you think they would enjoy. Now with this list in your head you can begin to show your Dominant how you are capable of serving them and how they should be able to Dominate you.
For Example: Dress in your Dominant’s favorite submissive outfit, and kneel at the door with your collar and leash in hand as you wait for their arrival home. When they arrive, hold out your collar/leash and ask “Is there anything this submissive can do for you Dom/me?”
Chances are pretty good they will be caught completely by surprise, and they won’t have any idea of what they would need. They will see your collar extended out before you and will now know that you want to be Dominated. They will then place your collar and leash on you as you politely bow your head.
Once on, ask your Dominant “May this submissive remove your shoes and take your coat, so you can become more comfortable Dom/me?” When they have agreed, do as you have asked. In a very elegant manner, remove their shoes placing them nicely away and then help them slide their jacket off hanging it carefully.
Coming back to your knees, ask your Dominant “Would Dom/me like this submissive to prepare Them a drink?”
While your Dominant relaxes in their chair, ask Them “Can this submissive massage Your feet Dom/me? Or would you prefer this submissive to bring you some food first Dom/me?”
Or you might ask your Dominant while they are relaxing with their drink, “Can this submissive worship your body orally, while you tell this submissive about your day Dom/me?”
Essentially what you are doing is giving your Dominant examples of how they can take control of you and how you will respond to those kinds of requests. After doing a few sessions like this, your Dominant should have no problems thinking of ways to Dominate you because you have already set the ground work.
Just remember, building up the knowledge base and confidence as a Dominant takes time.
It’s hard enough trying to learn something for the first time, then to have to teach and train someone else while you are learning tends to make things far more complicated.
Normally we master a skill before ever choosing to teach that knowledge. By asking your partner to Dominate you, you are asking them to teach and train without any knowledge or experience.
Be patient and understanding as they learn. It’s a lot of new information that they have to learn in regards to safety for them and you, their responsibility as a Dominant, how to be Dominant and what they need to do to provide you with what they need as a submissive.
A new Dominant will need some time to figure out what their style of dominance is, but once they do, you’ll be the one who gets the training (and all of its benefits!).
By Master Bishop
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 19 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 14 years.
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