Understanding the Why Of Submission

Submissive Question: Why Does My Commitment To My Dominant Fade

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Master Bishop’s Opinion

First know that this is a common feeling among submissives, so you are not the only one experiencing this. Most people kinky and vanilla struggle with prolonged commitment to a variety of desires in their lives. funny thing is, it has nothing to do with willpower or a lack of desire on your part.

In O/our everyday lives the majority of people live within a continuous personal loop. W/we all have one, where W/we are the center of the universe, W/we focus on O/our own desires, what W/we enjoy and what feels good. W/we avoid things that make U/us look bad, cause U/us to fail or will reveal O/our weaknesses. Its a state W/we tend to continue to want to repeat over and over.More importantly W/we tend to avoid asking O/ourselves why W/we do what W/we do.

Let’s take serving a new Dominant as an example of this.

Like many submissives you have found a Dominant and they have given you instructions to perform. At first the instructions are exactly what you want, they fulfill your desires, they feel good to receive and feel exciting to perform at first but things change.  Shortly after your Dominant leaves you find your excitement decreasing, it becomes harder to continue performing these duties, and after some time your commitment to continue to obey fades away. Or perhaps you worry that you will fail and instead of having to report your failure to your Dominant it is best to just not start the task in the first place and say you did it instead.

The reason for the internal struggle is because you don’t understand why you want to be submissive and why you want to serve a Dominant and more specifically why you want to serve this particular Dominant. Knowing and understanding your ‘WHY’ is what will give you the motivation and desire to fully commit to living and enjoying the life you want to live.

He who has a why can endure any how. — Frederick Nietzsche

Understanding Your Why…

will reveal to you your purpose and it is your purpose that will motivate you to fulfill your dreams. If you don’t understand why you are submissive or why you are serving your Dominant, of course you will find your motivation wearing thin over time. In essence you are depending on external factors to be your motivation, ie your Dominant and when your Dominant is gone so is your motivation. For example; some people are highly motivated to serve because the idea arouses them but when the arousal wears off so goes their motivation.

There is nothing wrong with arousal being the reason why you serve, however, if you truly want to commit and serve when times get tough being turned on is not a strong enough motivator. Not to mention, you can easily avoid difficult situations and still satisfy your arousal. Arousal is not a purpose, and if you are looking for your motivation to commit then you have to dig deeper into your ‘why’ to be able to understand your purpose. To discover your purpose you must understand your purpose in life is something more than O/ourselves.

If you truly want to commit and stop yourself from falling short in your service, your ‘why’ must be greater than what it is you are doing (ie performing the tasks requested of you). Your desire to serve (why you want to submit) must be greater than what you are being requested to do by your Dominant. (Within your predefined limits, of course)

Let’s look at three different submissives and their motivations:

  1. submissive one says they serve because it turns them on
  2. submissive two enjoys the sensations experienced when submissive
  3. submissive three thrives in adverse situations to help others in their life

Which submissive do you think is more likely to commit when things become difficult or when a task takes longer than expected?

submissive one will likely find their motivation fading once they are no longer aroused

submissive two has a goal in mind and once that is achieved their motivation will likely decrease as well.

submissive three understands their purpose and is driven to put that into action, which is the internal motivation they need commit over time. Now that isn’t to say that submissive three isn’t also motivated by arousal and submissive experiences, but the true empowering motivator is the purpose they thrive on.

Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Even Fewer In Pursuit Of Their Purpose

Motivation, commitment and purpose comes from within not from without.

If you are looking to your Dominant to provide it for you, you are looking in the wrong place. Your Dominant just provides you the safe environment so you can freely live the life you desire. However, the motivation to live that life should come from within you and to understand that you must learn your unique reason ‘WHY’. Everyone will have a different ‘why’ that will allow them to be their natural best, where they will be able to thrive in the things they were always meant to do and avoid the things that conflict with who they are. It is through your awareness and understanding of your why that will best connect you with your Dominant and others in your life.

Now this is definitely something you and your Dominant should work on together. While most of the answers will come from within you, working with your Dominant on finding out your why will help to create a stronger connection between the two of you. Thus making all future training together that much more intense and powerful.

To answer your question as to why your commitment fades over time is because you don’t understand why you are submissive and why it is you want to serve. If you have discovered your why and you still find yourself losing your desire to serve, then the problem is your reason for serving is not more powerful than what you are being asked to do. There is nothing wrong with that, unless you truly desire to be the committed submissive you talk about in your question. You will need to again dig deeper into uncovering your true unique ‘why’

While understanding your purpose in life may not be the hot and wild fantasy you dream about, it is empowering and will lead you to experiences and pleasures beyond what you could have imagined before.

When you’re powered by understanding your uniquely clear purpose (‘why’), there is little you cannot do.

To learn more about how you can figure out your ‘why’ go to BDSM Starts With You


What is your why? Why do you want to be submissive or Dominant? How did your life change when you figured out your why? Please share your in the comments section below.

W/we can all grow when W/we share what W/we know.

Master Bishop

The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 15 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 12 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+

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