BDSM Protocols: Part 5 – Basic Protocols and Personal Protocols

There are so many reasons that I didn’t start with this list of ideas. The main reason is that I wanted to give you a broad overview of what goes into good protocols. The absolute last thing I wanted you to do is come here, grab a gob of these and march into a relationship disaster!

I wanted you to know what protocols, rules and rituals were, and understand how to modify them according to the levels: https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/bdsm-protocols-part-1-introduction/

Then I gave you something that is often overlooked, a way to do the work to create your own special relationship protocols: https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/bdsm-protocols-part-2-discovering-your-own-protocols/

Next I went over how to introduce protocols to your submissive:
https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/bdsm-protocols-part-3-implementing-protocols/

And finally, I talked about rewards and punishments:
https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/bdsm-protocols-part-4-vigilance-monitoring-rewards-punishment/

If this is the first protocol article that you’re reading, I highly recommend reading the first four parts of this series, because by the time you get to this article, you may already have more than enough quality ideas for personal, effective, fair, and wonderful protocols that speak to you both and make your relationship better and hotter!

If you care, please share!

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Basic Protocols, Rules and Rituals

This includes the package of Protocols, Rules and Rituals that I will set up with a new submissive. Realize that I would not load all of these on a new submissive at once, and these are not all appropriate for every submissive.

Always go back to my earlier articles to consider what type of relationship you have, what kind of submissive you’re dealing with, and how much you want to monitor. It’s always better to start with a handful and then add to them over time.

Also, keep in mind that many of these will not be in effect all the time. If you live apart many of these will be impractical all the time, or if you have kids, or you have a job away from home. I talked about how to moderate levels of protocols in an earlier article, but I’ll mention it many times in the following suggestions.

Unless you’re brand new to BDSM, many of these things will be well-known to a submissive. Even if I’m just playing with a submissive for the first time, I’ll put some of these in place just because it’s helpful to put the submissive in the right state of mind or it’s helpful to keep the submissive safer.

Honorifics

This is just what you call the dominant. When I’m in charge I’ve used Sir and Master. There are literally hundreds of honorifics out there and each dominant should choose what fits the best. I’ve changed my honorific based on the dynamic with a submissive. Also, keep in mind when it’s appropriate to use the honorific. I’d never ask a submissive to call me “Master” at work, or at Thanksgiving dinner with her parents. But, you do you.

Eye Contact Restrictions

This is super-basic BDSM 101 stuff here. It’s one of the first protocols I set up. You can simply tell a submissive not to look you in the eyes, or you can go further and say that they can only look down, or forward. It’s very unnatural to not look someone in the eyes, so it does a great job of making you feel like a slave. It’s immediate and it’s constant. You could also switch this up and say that the submissive should always look at your eyes or someplace else, like your ass.

Slave Positions

I could do an entire article on slave positions (and I might). There is no set, agreed upon, official slave positions that you have to use. Please don’t let anyone tell you that you’re “not doing it right” or whatever.

My advice is to do a little research about what’s out there and then have a few positions that quickly get a submissive into a place where you want them. Now, if you have a submissive that is really into learning positions, or you really dig it, then maybe some more research is required. If you set up a way to kneel up and kneel down, how to stand at attention, where to put their hands, and my favorite… “present your ass,” then you’ll have a lot covered.

The protocols surrounding slave positions will dictate where a submissive is supposed to be, what they will do in certain situations, and how you will “park” them at particular times. Slave positions are also wonderful for inspection. Think about how a Drill Sergeant will correct soldiers as they line up. Like much of BDSM, you can go far down this rabbit hole and come up with special names for positions, or numbers, or even hand signals to control your submissive.

Entering or Leaving

This is another good example of a protocol to help put a your submissive in the right state of mind. You can have them ask before they enter or leave a room you’re in (or alternatively, any room). You’re taking away free will from the submissive and that’s always a mind bender. This is also a protocol that can be just as much of a burden for the dominant as the submissive, so be aware that doing this with some restrictions is a good idea.

Speech Restrictions

This protocol is as wide as an ocean. There are millions of different variations of this ranging from silence to only speaking when spoken to, or only speaking in a low respectful voice. You can put another protocols on what to say and when to say it.

I used the Drill Sergeant example earlier, and one thing they do is require you to say “Sir” at the beginning of every single sentence you say. “Sir, yes Sir!”

Of course, you can have speech restrictions only when you’re playing, or only when they are at a BDSM event. The possibilities are endless. One other potential speech restriction is to not allow the submissive to ever say “no” to the dominant. Instead they would say, “Only if it’s pleases you,” instead.

Staying Below the Height of the Dominant

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is mostly for male slaves, but I suppose if you have a tall submissive woman you could have her hunch or bow to be shorter. I’ve dated plenty of women who were taller than me and I always have them wear high heels because I like the look, so just like everything else, do it your own way. There are play parties where none of the submissives can be taller than the dominants, which effectively mean a lot of bowing, kneeling, or crawling all night long.

Kneeling

I’m not sure if kneeling deserves to have its own section, but this is a basic protocol that almost every slave will experience. It’s somewhat related to the idea of being lower than the dominant at all times. It puts the slave in a disadvantaged position and is great for setting state of mind. Variations include kneeling up, or kneeling down, sitting cross-legged, laying prone, and many other positions. With this protocol it’s a good idea to know what the limits are on your submissive and what the environment is like. Kneeling for long periods on concrete is very different from kneeling on a large pillow.

How a Submissive Refers to Themselves and Others

I’m sure that most people have seen this protocol in effect if they have read about BDSM or looked at posts from submissives. The general idea is that when a submissive refers to themselves in text they must use lower case, and their dominant is capitalized.

So, the submissive becomes “i” and the dominant becomes “You.” Further if you refer to both people it might be “O/our” or some other variation. Additionally, some people require their submissive to refer to themselves as “it” or “Your submissive.”

Depending on your relationship and dynamic all of these sorts of protocols can be tweaked to emphasize one thing or another. Be careful not to get too carried away or it runs the risk of being more confusing than fun.

Permission to Go to the Bathroom

Give this one a lot of thought and talk it over with your submissive before you start it. There’s no doubt that having your submissive ask for permission to go to the bathroom is a great mind fuck, and it has endless opportunities to play with or torture your submissive, but it’s another protocol that’s going to become omnipresent quickly, and you’re going to have to work out all the situations where the dominant is not available, or awake, or whatever, because partners are just not together all the time. This is a wonderful protocol for a special weekend or an event. A regular day-in and day-out practice has the potential to wear you both out.

How to Follow the Dominant

With this protocol, when you’re both on the move, the submissive has a special way to move with you. For example, the submissive might be required to walk one step behind you and one step to the right. As a submissive, I had one dominant who started walking very quickly in a mall and then stopped abruptly and I breezed past her. That’s one way to force a protocol violation! You can also dictate how a submissive is supposed to stand, and where, when you’re at rest. I saw one Domme who had her submissive lay prone and kiss her feet while she was talking to people at a party. That’s a great way of enforcing state of mind.

Furniture Restrictions

Many dominants set up a rule that their submissives can’t use furniture at all. They must sit or kneel on the floor. This might extend to the bedroom where the submissive must sleep on the floor instead of in bed. I’ve never done this with a submissive because I like having her next to me, particularly in bed, but even if you don’t use this protocol, it makes a great punishment to take the privilege of using furniture away.

Arrival Rituals

When the dominant comes home from work, or if you don’t live together, when you see each other again, there’s nothing quite like a simple protocol or ritual to dictate what the submissive must do when they see you again. It could be anything from approaching you and bowing, to kneeling and kissing the dominant’s feet, to much more elaborate scenarios.

Again, this is going to depend on what your dynamic is like, whether you’re alone, and many other factors, but this one is special to me and one that I look forward to, whatever my role is.

Dressing and Undressing

I know I’m not alone in liking my submissive to be naked as often as possible. Given the work/life balance, that’s never as much as I’d prefer, but it is a favorite. Other variations are to have your submissive wear certain clothes or uniforms at certain times, or to not wear things like undergarments at times you would expect to.

Reporting Errors

This protocol is a wonderfully simple but very effective one. You have your submissive report any protocol infractions to you. That will sometimes help with the monitoring of protocols, depending on the makeup of your submissive. A good girl or boy will report every violation to you. If they don’t… then they are both in trouble for whatever they did wrong AND for not reporting it to you. Delicious.

Personal Protocols, Rules and Rituals

The following set of protocols, rules and rituals are personal to the submissive. These are the sorts of things that can range from no big deal to something catastrophic, depending on the individual. In this series I’ve spoken many times about communication between the submissive and the dominant before implementation of protocols, but I want to make a more impassioned plea on this set.

Things like how you groom yourself or what you wear are fundamental to who you are, so changing it or modifying it should happen after a serious discussion about it. Yes, the dominant wants these things because they are positive, or it’s part of the dynamic, or it’s something the dominant finds sexy.

Those are all good reasons. But the submissive may have some very serious reasons why they don’t want to change these things. They may go all the way back to when they were a kid, or because of a traumatic experience, or something much deeper than what’s on the surface.

Talk to each other and figure out if resistance to these protocols is just being resistant to change, or if there’s some practical or psychological reason the submissive doesn’t want to do them. Some submissives will do ANYTHING to please the dominant, but that’s also not always the right path.

I’ve been on both ends of these sorts of protocols and they can be both wonderful and scary. Take your dynamic into account, your submissive’s job, family and obligations, and why both of you want, or don’t want, to implement these sorts of protocols before pulling the trigger.

I can tell you as a dominant, that having your submissive change these things to please you, or as a positive change for the submissive is spectacular. But forcing something that causes constant stress on the submissive is bad for both of you.

Body Hair

There are wildly different views on whether body hair is attractive or desired and everyone has their own valid opinions. Most of the submissive women who served me shaved everything, but that’s not my preference. I like everything shaved on my submissive, but I prefer them to leave a trimmed bush. Many had never done that before and fought it, then ended up liking it. I know there are a lot of dominants that like it all shaved. But I’m also sure that there are some that might like more body hair. Part of the protocol is to determine how much to remove and how often. And of course, inspection is always a fun endeavor for the dominant.

Hair and Beards

Okay look, if you think people are fired up about their body hair, then wait until you get to the hair on their head or beards. Your hair style is probably one of the biggest things that determine your “look,” and that’s going to make any protocols on this subject a hot topic.

Protocols around hair and beards will include how long, how it’s styled, how often you get a cut, when to put into a ponytail, when to wear down, what color it should be, and much more.

I talked with one submissive who had an elaborate scene where she was bound and had her head shaved and then wanted it to be kept that way as a protocol. She also wanted a more extreme experience as a slave, and that’s unquestionably one way to do it. I’ve had submissives who wanted to keep her hair exactly the way I preferred it and that’s pretty wonderful, but that’s not the norm.

How to Dress

Do you want to be greeted by a submissive in a maid’s uniform when you come home? How about sexy lingerie? What about choosing what your submissive will wear when you go out? All these things and much more will fall into the How to Dress protocols.

Again, keep in mind that as much as you like your submissive to wear certain things, they will likely have work requirements for their outfits, or be bound by common sense when they are in family or school environments.

But when you’re at home, alone, or at BDSM events, then the possibilities are endless. This also includes having a submissive man wear panties to work or a submissive woman not wear panties, which is a way to be kinky at work without anyone really knowing. Things you should consider is when these protocols take effect, for how long, obviously what they should wear, whether it requires permission or inspection from the dominant, and many other factors.

Makeup or Nail Preferences

All of my guy friends like a subtle or non-existent makeup on women.

I love the goth look and I’m a professional photographer, so I love insane full-on glamour makeup. My point is that this is another protocol where preferences are going to vary a lot.

Additionally, most submissives who wear makeup have a style already and are probably going to fight changing their routines. One solution to this is to only have makeup protocols in effect when you’re alone or going out to a club or something.

Then again, a submissive who wants to please the dominant will be anxious to do what pleases the most. Keep in mind all the trouble areas like school, work, family gatherings, etc. These protocols can also include things like what lotions or perfumes they can wear, and at what times. Often, I’ve picked a perfume they wear that I like the best, and have my submissive wear that all the time.

Sleep Schedule

If your submissive needs some structure to their sleep then a protocol can help with that. Usually this includes a wakeup and a sleep time and might change a bit during the weekend. If you don’t live together, then monitoring this is something you must consider.

Physical Protocols

BDSM can be a great motivator for positive physical protocols like requiring your submissive to eat right, workout regularly, take vitamins, stay hydrated, or anything else that may be a challenge, or something you agree to have them work on. If you’re going to have someone lose weight or gain weight, then be highly aware of wading into some tricky waters that might be traumatic or stressful, even if you think this is for the best.

Mental Protocols

What fits into this category is requiring your submissive to meditate, do affirmations, not to talk negatively about themselves, or find times to take mental health breaks.

Of course, depending on your dynamic, this sort of thing can be flipped, but be very careful how you do this. I prefer to do humiliation or degradation in a scene and make sure that the submissive knows that it was only play, during aftercare.

Making humiliation and degradation a protocol is only for exceptionally experienced players who are both fully on board, understand the pitfalls, and establish numerous safety measures to make sure that no harm is done. That would be my advice for anything regarding humiliation and degradation though.

Upgrade a Skill

You can make taking a class, learning a language, how to cook, or any other skill upgrade, a protocol. Part of the protocol would be when to learn the new skill, when to study, and what the expected result should be. This could be expanded to help a submissive through college courses or learning a new vocation.

Writing On Body

One final unusual protocol I’ve heard about is to practice writing the dominant’s name or some other phrase somewhere on the submissive’s body each day, or some other regular period. The concept is to remind the submissive of their place and to further the connection between the submissive and the dominant. A good way to keep track of the writing is to either subject a household submissive to inspection or to have a submissive who lives elsewhere to send a photograph each day.

In Conclusion

In this article, we have explored a variety of BDSM protocols, ranging from fundamental rules like honorifics and eye contact restrictions to more intricate personal rituals such as grooming expectations and speech regulations. Each of these elements plays a crucial role in shaping the dynamic between a dominant and a submissive, creating an environment that fosters both structure and intimacy.

The key takeaway is that protocols should be implemented thoughtfully, tailored to fit the unique needs of the relationship, and adjusted over time based on communication and mutual consent. By understanding the different levels of protocols and their purpose, dominants and submissives can craft a dynamic that is fulfilling, effective, and sustainable.

In the next article I’m going to look at Service Protocols, Relationship Protocols, and everyone’s favorite, Sex and Playtime Protocols. If you have questions about protocols or would like for me to cover something I haven’t please contact us here or comment below and I’ll either respond directly or answer in an article. Please share these articles and give thanks to the BDSM Training Academy for making them possible!

By Dirk Hooper

Dirk Hooper is a professional writer who has done work for many high-profile online magazines, has won the Top Writer Award at Quora for three years, and a Moore Award for copywriting in 2017. He published his first erotic BDSM book under a pen name in 2018. Hooper’s articles have been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently writing an erotic novel, a kinky comic book project, and a non-fiction book about social networking. Dirk Hooper has been a proud member of the BDSM community for over two decades and has been a BDSM mentor for over ten years.

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