My boyfriend and I just recently started dating though we’ve been best friends for almost four years. He loves being dominated and is a masochist. He knows a lot about BDSM and loves the sub aspect of it. I’m very new to being dom and would love to know a few things. Talking to him about the things he likes has been helping but it’s things like: Riding Crops, Whips, Paddle, etc. that I would really like help with. I hurt him last time we ventured (not in the good way) I would like to not do it again. If you have any tips for me I would greatly appreciate them.
Master Bishop’s Opinion
The beginnings of any new BDSM relationship can be tricky, especially when you’re both new to this type of interaction. While reading about tips and watching videos can be helpful, often, it’s what happens in your bedroom that will give you the most training, so to speak.
When you’re in the role of being the Dominant, you have a responsibility for the safety and well-being of your submissive. Though you may have gone into this situation with the idea that the other person wants to be hurt, they may not have had this experience yet, so their idea of what this means may not be fully formed.
This is where you can come in and help train them.
Having all of the toys in the world is a start, but learning how to use them is the next part of the process. What I suggest you do is take the toys your boyfriend wants you to use and try them out on your own body. Take the paddle or the whip and try hitting your upper thigh to see how things feel. Find out what harder feels like, and what a soft blow might feel like.
Of course, your boyfriend will have another reaction to these sensations, as no one’s pain tolerance and threshold are the same. But when you start out by seeing what things feel like on yourself, you can begin to understand how the hits will feel on him too.
In the beginning, it’s best to start out with just your hand. If you really want to incorporate an implement than a crop is a relatively good and easy starting point. You will find it fairly easy to control, which will make it easier for you to be accurate with your strikes. Since a crop is very light weight it won’t have the intense impact of a paddle and with a wider impact tip it will not be as stingy as a cane.
Find places on his body where this will be best tolerated, i.e. his buttocks usually has the most cushion for impact. Start there and slowly warming up the skin and the nerves to the sensation. You don’t have to hit hard at first, as you want your boyfriend to tell you when it’s too much or when he wants to try to take more pain.
One thing I always incorporate with someone new that I’m training is have them tell Me how hard they want to hit. Ask your sub on a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being the lightest and 10 being the hardest) what is the hardest you want to be spanked, cropped, flogged, whipped, etc. You should ask for each type of impact toy as each have different levels of intensity and varying sensations. A sub may be able to handle a level 8 in spanking but only a level 4 with a cane.
Once they have given you a level they believe they can handle, you will spank them with your hand or the implement and have them gauge the level of intensity they believe that impact was. Lets say the most intense spanking your sub wants to receive is a 5. Now you will proceed to spank them once with this level 5 in mind. After they receive this spank, ask your sub what level of intensity they thought that spank was on. This is the important part, because here is where you are going to match your ideas of intensity together.
While I may believe the spank I just gave them was a five, how they feel the spank to be is what matters. They may think that that spank I just gave them was a 3 at which point I need to try again with another spank that is just a little harder. If they believe the spank was a 6, then I need to try again with a spank that is a little lighter. Keep trying until the sub agrees that the intensity matches the level they are comfortable with. You will find that most times it is fairly quick to match up the intensity levels between yourself and a sub.
With that said, this does not mean that you only spank, whip, flog or cane at that level. This is just showing the absolute hardest impact that your sub is capable of receiving at this time. When it comes to dishing out an impact session you will cycle through many different intensity levels, speeds, and styles. Again start slow and light, slowly work your way to more intense (like a 3 or 4) for just a few seconds, come back down for a minute, work your way back up to a 4 and stay there for a minute. Stop all together and run your fingernails over their red bottom which should start becoming more sensitive to touch. Start slow again and after each impact hold the impact toy onto the place of impact, then try hitting and removing the impact toy immediately away. Those just those two different strokes can produce very different sensations. After each impact try caressing the area with your hand…etc. The point is that they are many ways in which you can switch up your striking to create different sensations for your sub.
Don’t just try to hit your sub as hard are you can for as long as you can. In fact at first, you may not be able to hit his pain threshold, nor should you. In the beginning, you both need to learn what he can tolerate, and you need to be ready to stop IMMEDIATELY if he asks you to stop or uses a safe word.
Speaking of that, you need a safe word that will allow your partner to know they are in control of the pain they feel. This is especially important when you’re first starting out. They need to know they can stop things at any time and that you can be trusted to help them as they learn what works for them.
When the safe word is used, you need to stop. You can’t push past this point or else you will hurt them. At the same time, your boyfriend needs to be willing to take care of himself so that he isn’t hurt as well.
Remember, it’s not a contest to see how much pain you can inflict, but rather this is an exchange of power. He has given you permission to start to inflict pain, and you need to give him permission to tell you when it’s too much.
If you are still unsure about whether or not you might hurt your sub, try applying these techniques:
1) Accuracy is key to ensuring you don’t hurt your submissive when you play. Many injuries occur because a Dominant ends up hitting the wrong area. Instead of waiting to practice on your sub, get out a pillow and mark the pillowcase with an ‘x’ Now practice getting used to the how the tool moves in your hand and make sure you can consistently land the implement exactly where you want too.
2) With each smack of your implement have your submissive scream the level of intensity they believe that impact to have been. This way you can make sure that you are staying within their comfort and intensity level. Also this allows you to see more clearly how your submissive is holding up under each impact. What they might have thought was a 3 in the beginning could become a 7 or 8 as the session progresses. Even though you are swinging with the same force this change in intensity can be an indicator that the submissive is becoming overwhelmed and you should look at stopping the session.
3) Check in while play. Some kinksters believe that checking in during a session can destroy the mood. I believe as a Dominant that it is My responsibility to look after My submissive. So while playing I make sure that My submissive is happy and wanting to continue with the scene.
4) Always sit down with your submissive and debrief what has just happened during your session. Get some honest feedback, see what they liked, what they didn’t like and find out if there was anything else you could have done to make the session more intense or more enjoyable for them.
5) Always start with just one toy. Once you have both learned how it works, what he can take, and what he can not, you can choose to increase the intensity (if that is desirable) or once you have mastered that impact tool you can choose to learn a new implement’s abilities.
It’s a hard lesson when you find out you have hurt your partner more than was intended or expected. But you are reaching out now to learn how you can do better. You have a difficult role as the Dominant, and great care needs to be taken at first and, actually, at all times. Much of this relationship is trust, and when you don’t do what you say you’re going to do, you may find your boyfriend is less than willing to stay in the relationship.
Start slowly, build up to more strikes, and then move to other parts of the body when your boyfriend is ready. You can’t become a super-intense Dominant in one session or even ten sessions together. Like anything, good things take time.
The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+
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