Can you give me any direction in becoming a better dominant in my relationship? My wife and I for years have talked about a D/s relationship, but have been unsuccessful. She has come out and told me that she wants to be submissive, however, she is a very strong willed, dominant person herself. Can I learn to be more dominant and how do I go about it? I feel she is slipping away from me because I am not dominant enough. Any suggestions?
Master Bishop’s Opinion
First of all, realize that not everyone is born with the natural ability to dominate another person. It’s not always something you just know how to do; most people have to learn. This is especially true when you’re in a monogamous and long-term relationship. You already have an established way that you treat each other, and it can be difficult to break out of this pattern.
That said, yes, you could learn how to be more dominant. But this also means you need to have a willing slave. I always advise new Master and slave relationships to begin with a conversation about what the ideal BDSM relationship looks like to each of them. You could begin with creating a list of all of the things you want and have your wife create a list too. From there, you can then see what is overlapping, what you don’t want to do, etc.
You need to have a clear idea of what your wife wants and whether you’re able (and willing) to give it to her. My guess is that since you’re writing in about this very situation, you’re more than willing to try to be more dominant and controlling. So, how do you begin to do this?
Assuming that you’ve already come up with a list of things you will do and that you won’t do (for you and your wife) and your wife has agreed to be a slave to you, it’s time to start.
Once your wife has agreed to hand over control to you and obey your commands within your agreed upon limits, then you are free to take control, so you need to act like it. First, You need to have a plan about what you might do during a session with your slave (review your common interests). Remember as long as you’re following your agreed upon limits, you are the one who will have the final say in what happens or until she calls out her safeword.
To make sure your wife understands this, ask her “Why she wants to be submissive and why she wants to serve you?” Then ask her if she trusts you enough to obey your desires. This is a great way to establish your control of the scene, receive her confirmation to be Dominated and get her into the submissive head space that you desire.
Make sure that you stick to your plan and that you enforce all of the rules that you set up for your slave. You might begin with having your slave call you ‘Master,’ for example. Teach her how you want her to present her body to you when she is serving you. Tell her what kind of uniforms you would like her to wear for you for training…etc. Continue to repeat that this is what will happen when you are in a session with each other.
If your wife decides not to follow the rules, you might choose to punish her with a spanking or some other physical discipline (that you have both agreed upon previously). Or you might have her sit in the corner like a child until she behaves better and worst case you might choose to stop Dominating her until she is willing to serve which is what she asked for.
Let’s face it, if you have a slave that’s trying to be the dominant one, they’re not willing to really be a slave. If she does try to take control of the scene, then ask her again why she wants to be submissive. Stop all playing until she can answer that truthfully. If that doesn’t snap her out of her usually Dominant manner switch to one of the previously mentioned punishments.
A more effective means of keeping your wife in a submissive space might not be by punishing too often. Punishments can cause her Dominant personality to jump out unexpectedly, as a protection mechanism. Instead you might want to offer her a reward for her good submissive behavior. Let her know you will give her that spanking, flogging, oral sex, or one of her favorite activities but only if she pleases you by obeying you or behaving properly. Reward her but show her it is you that decides when she will be rewarded not her.
Other things you can do to be more in control include blindfolding your slave to make sure they are helpless. You can also tie them up so they can’t move, as that will also limit their ability to cause troubles for you. Or you might want to create a long list of rules that they have to follow before you will pleasure them sexually.
Yes, being a Master is a lot of work, if that’s what you’re thinking. But once you begin to show that you’re in control, your slave will start to be submissive. And that is what you both want. Go here to learn more about how to start a BDSM Scene
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