Imagine your most erotic or deepest fantasy of Dominance and submission (D/s). What does it look like? How much control does the Dominant have over their submissive? What does the submissive allow or accept? Are the scenarios extremely rough or more playful? Are limits and boundaries stretched to the edge or is all play safe within your limits?
For many kinksters, the picture they have in their mind of D/s is often the most erotic and extreme version of a power exchange. But the question is can it be like this?
Sure, if that’s what you both want, negotiate, and consent to. But a good D/s relationship also requires serious teamwork.
Whether you’re working toward the kinkiest or most sexual version of your relationship or you’re simply trying to get through the day with your partner, you need to work as a team.
Be Apart Of The Team Help Share
You Each Have a Part to Play
Some submissives want to give up all control and let their Dominant tell them what to do. Some Dominants want to have full say and control over their submissive, able to get exactly what they want with the lift of an eyebrow or a flick of the fingers. And, as always, some kinksters don’t want quite that much control in their power exchange.
To get what you want — at any level — you’ve got to do your part. Whatever you negotiate between you, you then have to meet those agreements. When you can’t or don’t want to anymore, you have to communicate with your partner. Talking and listening to each other on a consistent basis helps prevent most problems you’ll face together.
Even if your submissive fantasy is to jump when your Dominant commands it, you have to talk about what that means to you. In the beginning when you negotiate your D/s and throughout the relationship.
Follow the link to figure out exactly what you need in a D/s relationship so you can better communicate it to your partner.
Working Together in D/s
What does it mean to work together in your D/s relationship?
- Asking questions when you’re uncertain.
- Doing what you agreed to do without reminders.
- Being thankful for reminders when you need them -- instead of resentful.
- Treating each other with respect. Dominants might “command” respect but they have to earn it first.
- Being honest with each other about problems and concerns.
- Remembering that both of you have needs that deserve to be fulfilled whenever possible.
- Thinking about what your common goal is -- in a kinky scene or in a long-term relationship.
Basically, you have to actively participate in your power exchange for it to work. None of that sounds very sexy, does it? The sexy part comes when you’re both working together for mutual pleasure, but in order to achieve it, you’ve got to get good at the mechanics of teamwork.
What is Your D/s Goal?
The most effective way to work together as Dom and sub is to know what you’re working toward — your D/s goal(s). In each interaction there should be a goal, whether it’s a moment of kinky pleasure or simply to feel your most Dominant or submissive self. And your relationship should have a common purpose whether you’re infrequent play partners or a long-term loving relationship.
These goals shouldn’t add pressure to the moment. A “goal” can be as simple as “having a mutually good time in a BDSM scene.”
Your goals in D/s exist on a spectrum and have to fit your dynamic. But without goals, it’s difficult to work together. What that means is unique to you, and it doesn’t have to be easily understood by outsiders.
- Brats might seem difficult, but to the Dominants who enjoy it, both are getting exactly what they want.
- Submissives who assert their opinions are a joy to the right Dominant who enjoys that part of their personality.
- Dominants who ask, tease, and coax the submission of their partner are tapping into the needs of their submissive and themselves.
You might not call what you’re trying to achieve a “goal” and that’s okay. Think about what you want to achieve together. Are you exploring kinks together? Are you building a life and raising a family together? Is this one power exchange in a hierarchy of others? Ask yourself what the entire point of the endeavor is and how you want to get there together. Once you know that answer, you’ll be able to find ways to work together toward a common purpose.
Two Parts of a Whole
As a Dom or sub, you should complement each other in some way. No, that doesn’t mean you’re supposed to meet every single need your partner may have. But it does mean there’s a give and take between you both.
For some the fantasy of Dominance and submission means that the Dominant gives and the submissive takes. Others might say that the submissive gives and the Dominant takes. (It depends on how you look at it.) But both are incomplete on their own. You each give something of yourself and receive something, too.
The slash in D/s doesn’t divide you. When done right — by working together towards your common goal — you make a whole unit. When you see the other struggling, you help lift them up. If one of you needs help, you reach out a hand. Sometimes that’s as simple as reminding them that you need something. But it can also be as complicated as holding their hand through serious life decisions — work, health, family.
If you’re ever in a moment where your D/s relationship feels off, look at whether you’re working together as a team. Do you have a common purpose or have your forgotten what you’re trying to achieve? Sitting down together to figure this out and talk about what you both want can set you both on the path to the kind of power exchange and relationship you really want — or it can help you make difficult decisions to find the person who wants to be on your team. Because if you’re not on the same team, what’s the point?
Here Is To Living The Life You Desire,
Kayla Lords
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