Dominant Question: My Submissive Lashes Out Afterwards

Submissive training actually caused more of an issue between my wife and I see she is a brat also for most of her life she was in full control and never had anyone to share with. So the issue we are having is that we are both dominant.  And she wants me to be her MASTER but once play is over her dom side comes out even worse because I just made her feel…well I don’t know why she lashes out after sex and play.



Master Bishops Opinion

Here’s what I’m interpreting from your question: you and your wife tried to have some BDSM play interactions. While you tried to be dominant, she rebelled and played the brat role, even though she wants you to be the Master role. After all was over, she reacted by being even more controlling and lashed out at you.

This sounds like a situation of messy expectations and unclear desires.

I want to tell anyone who is facing this situation to stop and reassess what you want. Did you have a clear conversation about the expectations you both had? If so, why aren’t you both meeting these expectations? Do the expectations need to change?

If you didn’t have a conversation, then it’s time to have one NOW, before you step foot into any new BDSM scene.
The conversation needs to look like this:

  • What do you want? – I encourage couples to go off to separate areas for a bit and write down all of the things that they want from their BDSM interactions. These can include everything from what you want to do to what you want to have done to you, how you want to feel, etc. Be completely honest and be detailed in this description. When you’re done, come back to each other and show your partner what you came up with.
  • What does your partner want? – Now that you know what you want, stop and read the description from your partner. Ask questions if you’re not clear what something means. Rewrite things to make sure everyone understands EXACTLY what the other person wants.
  • Combine Your Lists –  Find the activities and interests that you both have in common or are willing to do for your partner and combine those interests into one list. Make sure you keep this list handy so you can easily refer back to it when you need too.
  • What is off Limits? – You will also want to talk about what is a complete and absolute ‘we’re not going to do that.’ This list is the list that should be followed perfectly every single time you’re in the dungeon. You both have to agree to these terms, and if you can not, then you can’t proceed. The goal of this list is to establish trust. If you can’t trust your partner to not go over the lines you don’t want crossed, then you shouldn’t be playing with them in a dungeon.Normally, I would make a hard limits and soft limits list.  Hard limits are activities that you have absolutely no interest in and a soft limit are activities that you potentially might want to try in the future but as of now they are off limits.  If your partner is lashing out after play scenes together, I would make everything a hard limit and avoid everything on that list so you don’t exacerbate the issue. Now is not the time to try and push soft limits.
  • What happens when people don’t respect the boundaries? – Talk about what happens when someone crosses a boundary. In my opinion, play should stop immediately and the agreement needs to be reread and reassessed. The person who violated the agreement needs to explain what they did, apologize, and agree to never do it again. Then they need to make sure they never breach trust again. If they do, it isn’t a good BDSM arrangement.
  • Make An Agreement – Write out a contract/agreement outlining how you will each take part in this new relationship you are developing.  Things to include: What will be expected of each of you, how you will treat each other, the activities that you will include and what is off limits.

If you have troubles coming up with an agreement you both like and feel as though you would enjoy, stop and think about whether you are the right partners for BDSM play. Even though you might be married or in a committed relationship, this doesn’t always mean that you’re going to make a good Master and slave.

And you can’t ‘make’ anyone do things they don’t want to do. It’s illegal and it’s unethical, and it’s just wrong. I encourage couples especially to write everything down so it’s crystal clear what is agreed upon, and what is not. When you write things down, and even sign the sheet together, this way there is no room for debate.  Your wife has said she wants to be submissive, she has told you what she wants, she agreed that she wants to be submissive to you and even signed the contract.  If you have given her what she asked for in accordance to the contract, but she still lashes out, a debate or an argument does come up, then you stop what you’re doing and go back to the agreement.  Show her what she agreed to and what you have done to give that which she has asked for.

If the agreement continues to be ignored…

Then you have a problem. That problem is that you both have different wants than you’re admitting to having. It’s completely normal, especially if you’re new to BDSM. It’s also hard to figure out the  subtleties of BDSM from watching a few kinky porn videos. Some media will show a slave who is being bratty and then getting a punishment in return. If this is a way your wife likes to play, and you agree to it, then play out that fantasy.

If you haven’t agreed to this sort of play, then you need to have a direct talk with your wife about what’s happening. Doing something that she has not agreed too could definitely be a reason for her lashing out after a scene.  Just because you saw people do something in a video does not mean that every submissive will enjoy that kind of play.  This is why coming up with that list of agreed upon activities and sticking to those activities is so important.

At this point, it probably feels like there’s more talking than you realized – and it’s true. Most people don’t realize that when a person is agreeing to be in a dominant or submissive role, they are opening up to things they may not have experienced before. They don’t always realize just how much of an impact things can have on them physically and psychologically.

There are times when a person will have strong desires to be submissive, but after the excitement from the moment subsides, physical and mental exhaustion can set in.  When mentally and physically exhausted it is very easy for negative feelings to become stirred up and cause feelings of shame for what a person has allowed to happen.  For a strong, confident and independent individual it can be embarrassing to realize what they have just done.  It can make them feel weak and extremely vulnerable, which is exactly what they have fought their entire life to avoid. This is why aftercare is so important after every scene you do together.

I’m sure you have heard the saying “Everything that goes up, must come down.” Well the same can be said for a BDSM scene, after an intense high from a scene, your can quickly come crashing down when it’s all done. It is crucial that the Dominant take the time to support their partner as they come down from a scene.  Make sure there is lots of water and food readily available to quickly pick up their energy. Get them their favorite blanket, allow them to get comfortable and give them a chance to just relax and slowly come down from their scene. Let them know how happy you are and how proud you are of what they accomplished in the scene.  By giving them the aftercare they need you can stop a potential crash and the negative feelings that can come with it.

If the lashing out continues

You need to really sit down with your wife and have a serious conversation about that behavior specifically.  Let her know, how that behavior makes you feel.  “When you lash out at me after a scene, it makes me feel like…”

  • I’m a terrible person for doing what you have asked me to do
  • That you don’t really like the activities that we do together
  • It makes me not want to do any of these activities again

Don’t blame her for her behavior or get upset at her, as there may be a very painful reason for her to lash out like this and the last thing you want to do is cause her to pull away from you. Instead focus on letting her know how her behavior afterwards makes you feel.

If she is extremely upset, give her a few days to calm down before you have your debriefing discussion with her about your scene (which should be conducted after every scene).  During this debriefing session, bring out your contract and show her how you have stuck within your agreed upon boundaries.  That you are confused as to why she would become upset when you only performed activities that you both agreed too. Express that her behavior after a scene suggests to you that she truly does not want to be submissive and does not enjoy what you do.  Then ask her if she truly wants to be submissive and if she really wants to participate in the activities she has agreed too.

  • If the answer is no, than you have your answer and you need to stop everything you are doing.
  • If the answer is yes, than why does she continue to behave this way after a scene.

Other topics you will need to discuss to get better clarification and improve your Master/slave relationship:

  • What does her being a slave mean to you.  What does being a slave mean to her.
  • What does being a Master mean to you.  What does you being a Master mean to her.
  • What does controlling her mean to you. What does being controlled mean to her.
  • Why does she want to be submissive  Why do you want to be Dominant

The main point I’m trying to focus on is the importance of communication. You need to be willing to communicate until you both are 100% clear about what the other person wants. You need to ask if something is okay, and you need to stop when you hear something is not – and that is the advice a Master and a slave should take.

In these conversations, you will begin to see what will work for you – and what will not work at all. It’s a lot of talking, but it’s worth it. Miscommunication is what makes BDSM messy and harmful. The more you talk, the more fun you can both have – and hopefully less (undesired) lashing out.



Master Bishop

The founder of the BDSM Training Academy. Master Bishop has been involved in the Dominant/submissive lifestyle for over 12 years. With a love for education both learning and teaching, Master Bishop has passed on his knowledge and experience to others entering into the BDSM lifestyle for over 8 years. Join Master Bishop on Google+

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